The handsome tard
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  • Why do you want to kill the vault hunters when you run a company that brings them back to life.
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Thats a question that gets brought up a lot and you see, I have the answer, bandit.
    I dont want the vault hunters to DIE DIE...I want them to feel the crushing feel of defeat, THEN followed by "DEATH", then followed by the company that killed them bringing them back at a cost. And we have been doing this for a long time.
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Pandora is perfect for New-U stations because the bandits die, we bring them back at a cost and then they buy a Hyperion gun and go kill some more, hence and lovely repeat.
    They are cattle to me, literal lambs to the slaughter, except the lambs come back to life and will just want to return to the slaughter house.
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    We hold the keys of life and death.
    And to the scrub hunters, there is no way they could ever truly defeat me, sure, the warrior didnt work and Timothy was killed in my place but Im still in the top and they are off to die in some mediocre adventure set after the events of my much superior one. Got that, bandit?
    I recently had a problem with one of your New-U stations. When I got respawned from a "glow in the dark work related accident", it glitched out and created multiple copies of me. What do I do?
    • Thunk-Provoking
    Reactions: The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Humm, this is the "real" one talking, right? If so, grab the nearest sharp object or gun and solve that issue. Oh and we will remove that New-U Station, the last thing I need is cloned bandits.
    Thanks for reporting the glitch and for using Hyperion.
    Like you ever had a fucking choice :feels:
    Who do you like more? Wainwright Jakobs or Katagawa Jr.?
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    You are asking me which I like more, shit or puke.
    Sure, one can have a preference...but if you had the option "none of the above", you would pick it, right?
    Thankfully, Im not just "one", I am THE "one" with the "shoot them both until they aint moving anymore" option.
    ...So I respectfully devalue with question with my insults thought with the upmost care, bandit.
    Buy Hyperion.
    You hiring bro?
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Depends. It usually requires 3 things
    *Clean throat*
    1- A high level of education, cant have morons running my company, Im sure you understand
    2- A deep righteous homicidal hatred for bandits and criminals of all kinds
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    3- An understanding that you may hold something at high level of worth, be it God or just yourself (egostical much?), but that me, Handsome Jack, will always be above that. Love yourself, your God, whatever, but love me more.

    Besides that, aw, I think you are settled for life. Welcome to Hyperion, kiddo, where not only we are the heroes but also the right side of history.
    What is your opinion on Torgue and Maliwan?
    • Thunk-Provoking
    Reactions: The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Are they Hyperion? No?
    Then there is your answer, bandit.
    But to Torgue, well, good luck when your explosives dont hit jackshit.
    And to Maliwan, making your bullets all glowy and give a little burn or shock doesnt change a thing when your lead doesnt do jackshit to the enemy.
    With Hyperion, you aim, you hit, you kill.
    Buy Hyperion, fag!
    Floop
    Floop
    Hyperion sniper rifles sucked in borderlands 2
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Whats bette than accuracy? MORE accuracy per shot.
    Its just your underdevelopted brain cant see the greatness behind that logic, bandit. Thats why you are the bandits, without good pre- actually no...these pretzels suck.
    To anyone who thinks Borderlands 3 sucked like the pretzels I ate before, well, remember.
    Without Handsome Jack, it aint worth jack.
    Handsome Jack is still the best villain in all of Borderlands.
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Why, yes! Yes I am, bandit.
    Its good that the newer generation of bandits do not forget that they are all my bitch and that Im the greatest that there is.
    So you get a discount of 1% for your next "New-U Station" visit, which, knowing you bandits, wont take a while.
    Buy Hyperion
    Borderlands 3 is pretty cool.
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Gearbox didnt invite me since, you know, there is this dumbass rumor that Im dead (of course, thats a lie). And I heard something about some Epic Store? Anyway, I disagree completely with that and I honestly think any that share the same sentiment should be strangled with my chain watch.
    You're cool tho. :like: (For now)

    Edit: Forgot to call you a bandit.........bandit.
    • Like
    Reactions: Floop
    Floop
    Floop
    Oh man it’s so fun. mwah mwah mwah look I’m kissing my computer right now. Oh right you can’t see me. And now there’s smudges all over my monitor. Fuck.
    F
    Fuck you Jack we shot you in the face.

    Well at least I did.
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    That was Timothy, bandit. Guess he wont have to worry about the loans anymore. Hyperion sent flowers and his browser history to his family.
    F
    FH 721
    Please explain to me how is it you're the president of a massively powerful and rich corporation with your own diamond pony that shits guns but you can't afford some decent pretzels.
    The handsome tard
    The handsome tard
    Well, bandit, you see...pretzels production was at an alltime high before I murdered worked my way up to the top of Hyperion. That was all thanks to the Claptraps being surprisingly good at producing decent pretzels.....
    And well, too bad they annoyed me enough for me to press the kill switch on them...Its their fault really.
    • Like
    Reactions: FH 721
    Hey there, handsome tard here! I just wanted to wish you a great day because I know that I will always be having one better than you bandits.
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