05/15 - Phil Phights Ba... Wait, I swear I've done this before... - In which, yet again, Phil conphiscates another phucking phone

[auroraboreanaz]

Oh my. I mean, this is a pretty hefty cavalcade of bullshit, but the one detail that just strains credulity the absolute most is probably the idea of Phil running. And a few blocks! Wow! If it weren't total bullshit I'd bet it sounded like an old toolbox falling down stairs, only with a phuck of a lot more panting and wheezing.

 

[Postal Dude]

Something tells me this didn't happen. After all, he didn't smash the SD card before throwing the phone down a storm drain.

 

[Twrx]

Ass pat levels must be critical.

 

[ChurchOfGodBear]

Oh yes, this is totally the same guy who claims he's repeatedly overpowered by hobos wanting buttsex.

 

[auroraboreanaz]

He used his nimble fingers and savage dexterity to quickly delete them whilst the assailant was on the ground, obviously. Because in real life, much like movies, one hit to an attacker renders them an unconscious heap on the floor, ready and waiting for a fat Italian man to make a pithy rejoinder as he walks coolly away.

 

[HickoryDickory]

ADF can't even walk properly, let alone run.

It's annoying that he only has 2-3 versions of this same lie.

 

[Flame the Sunbird]

Man, he really lives in fantasy land. I'm surprised he didn't have Xochi give him a high-five at the end.

 

[ChurchOfGodBear]

He used his nimble fingers and savage dexterity to quickly delete them whilst the assailant was on the ground, obviously. Because in real life, much like movies, one hit to an attacker renders them an unconscious heap on the floor, ready and waiting for a fat Italian man to make a pithy rejoinder as he walks coolly away.

I actually can't even get past the idea that the phone wasn't locked during the supposed "chase". Either accidentally or on purpose, the phone should have gone into secure mode, rendering Phil unable to access its contents without the help of his photographer.

Of course, the rest of this story is equally ridiculous, but I can't even get to that without NOPEing out.

 

[admiral]

Lol as if he could run on those decomposing hamburger feet of his

 

[Doc Cassidy]

I believe him.

 

[Lesbian Sleepover]

"Yeees, hallo Portland Police? Yeeees, this is Izzy Hell mmhmm <click click> yes a man in a Kiwi farms T shirt, coffee mug and other fine items available at Redbubble.com was taking photographs of meeee, so I invoked a citizens phhhone aressst mhmm <click click>. Yeeessss, I can come down and file a report. Let me draw on my sympathetic eyebrowssss"

So first let us take into consideration exhibit A: Photos of Phil being taken
A1 Why on Earth would anyone be taking photos of him specifically? Perhaps a shiny building in the distance? Some land mark? Oh right didn't happen

Exhibit B: Multiple block chase
B1 the only chasing Phil does is his fake "CN ... " facebook post shots, chased with a Coca-Cola YOUCARING comment post
B2 in my head I can hear the panting and jungling as the tranny bat-belt swayeth side to side

Exhibit C: Phil is a cunt
C1 Phil is a cunt.

I'm on the NOPE Train on this one.

 

[Flame the Sunbird]

@auroraboreanaz - Was this on https://www.facebook.com/Izzy.Hell.en.Dosruedas? And is that down for you now? I wonder if someone reported him for inciting violence or something LOL.

 

[auroraboreanaz]

@auroraboreanaz - Was this on https://www.facebook.com/Izzy.Hell.en.Dosruedas? And is that down for you now? I wonder if someone reported him for inciting violence or something LOL.

View attachment 220018

Tango down over here as well. Fuck, that would be hilarious.

"Let me draw on my sympathetic eyebrowssss"

That is the single funniest fucking thing I've ever read on this site, holy shit.

 

[Darndirty]

"Your a fucking badass"


Things no one has said to Phil ever for 1000 alex.

 

[RI 360]

lol Phil made an applicable fat joke.

 

[Loxiozzz]

Was there an explosion in the background as he walked away?

 

[Tragi-Chan]

"This is what happens when you eat too many hot pockets?" What, you invent implausible lies?

Even by Phil's standards, this is a terrible lie. Firstly, he changes the story halfway through from "disastrous results for a camera" to "deleted his pics from his phone." Secondly, the fact that the whole sequence of events relies on the Kiwi tripping over and not moving while Phil waddles past him, picks the phone up and deletes the pictures. Thirdly, how did he know it was a Kiwi? Fourthly, why would we be taking photos of him when he shares every fucking thing he does on social media? And this is before we've got on to the fact that any attempt at running would result in his heart exploding.

"Your a fucking badass"


Things no one has said to Phil ever for 1000 alex.

I think he meant "your ass is fucking bad."

 

[ChurchOfGodBear]

Fourthly, why would we be taking photos of him when he shares every fucking thing he does on social media?

FWIW, there have been Phil sightings in the wild, caught on camera. However, first, he was always too stupid to know it was happening, and second, all evidence and I mean ALL MOTHERFUCKING EVIDENCE EVER suggests that Phil's natural reaction to seeing a Kiwi would be to curl up into a ball, shit himself, and run away, in no particular order.

 

[Hyperion]

FWIW, there have been Phil sightings in the wild, caught on camera. However, first, he was always too stupid to know it was happening, and second, all evidence and I mean ALL MOTHERFUCKING EVIDENCE EVER suggests that Phil's natural reaction to seeing a Kiwi would be to curl up into a ball, shit himself, and run away, in no particular order.

His first reaction to a kiwi over the phone is terrified blubbering so I can only imagine the incontinence that would result irl

 

[HickoryDickory]

The pic of him cheese shopping with an asspatter was taken by a kiwi.