tl;dr - Why aren't you giving me money?! 
http://diosa-latina-de-misandria.tu...onest-feeling-right-now-and-i-am-not-going-to (Archive)
http://diosa-latina-de-misandria.tu...onest-feeling-right-now-and-i-am-not-going-to (Archive)
Honest feeling right now, and I am not going to censor myself. I frankly do not care about how many get offended by this post, cuz guess what? It is needed.
So content note, Death wish, suicide, ableism, Transmisogyny, organized cyberbullying and cyberstalking
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RANT
I honestly hope I die on that surgery table a year from now. I am tried of suffering, and most of that suffering alone. I suffered 5 years and 8 months of houselessness with very limited access to social capital and financial capital.
I have struggled with trying to rebuild from houselessness in the space of only 8 months (and falling short of set goals, and still short of the things I need) and I have people who are shitting on my efforts to rebuild, or to self-care, or to self-regulate.
I have people who believe in the lies Kiwi Farms stalkers have put out about me. They pretend to be my friends but really believe in Kiwi Farms lies, they only keep me around on their Facebook friends list because if they outright abandon me, I will of course notice.
These same people are the ones that probably question the validity of my gender identity, my Latinx identity, and whether or not I have a legitimate claim to one, the other, or either.
Guess what? I know you are doing this. I know that you are treating me like shit at every opportunity possible…
A lot of people here are guilty of this. I think a lot of people here who claim to be my friends, are secretly harboring the vision of ‘if only Isabel disappeared’ or 'she is so needy’ or 'get a job’ or some other transmisogynist or ableist bullshit too numerous in multitude to list in this single rant.
So what if I am not up on the latest spicy Discourse™ on X, Y and Z or Fidget Spinners, Fidget cubes or Whatever Media or videogame is out everyone is going on about? I have been trying to only push ahead with trying to rebuild from houselessness, and mostly alone and most of the time, without enough outside help or intervention. And with the backdrop of constant threat by Kiwi Farms stalkers and cyberbullying transmisogynists I have lived with for the nearly 9 years now.
9 years of cyberbullying and cyberstalking have completely damaged me beyond repair; hell, of course put me on a permanent course of overall radicalization.
Today I almost quit the budding efforts of trying to put together a tabletop game amongst a few trusted mostly Trans femme friends - Why? Because I am frustrated. Because I am feep down too angry and upset and poor to engage in geekdom and because I have the trauma from when I was involved with a transmisogynist anime club when I was attending community college in New Jersey. My college years are years I regret, and regard as a mistake and should have simply bolted West to Portland at the first opportunity presented to me back in 2005 or 2006.
I simply don’t have the will or the wherewithal to be live these days. All I have ever seen or known has been abuse since birth.
Don’t comment on here and pretend that you care - You cannot fathom what I have been through. It would be a serious insult to me if you even tried.
It’s impossible for me to trust anyone. It’s impossible for me to feel like I am loved or cared for. I really believe that it is too late for someone like me.
When, not if, I decide to go through with ending it. I don’t want to be talked out of it. I don’t know if I have anything to live for anymore.
Isabel.
I am just going to cry myself to sleep or more hurt after writing this.
So content note, Death wish, suicide, ableism, Transmisogyny, organized cyberbullying and cyberstalking
.
.
.
.
.
RANT
I honestly hope I die on that surgery table a year from now. I am tried of suffering, and most of that suffering alone. I suffered 5 years and 8 months of houselessness with very limited access to social capital and financial capital.
I have struggled with trying to rebuild from houselessness in the space of only 8 months (and falling short of set goals, and still short of the things I need) and I have people who are shitting on my efforts to rebuild, or to self-care, or to self-regulate.
I have people who believe in the lies Kiwi Farms stalkers have put out about me. They pretend to be my friends but really believe in Kiwi Farms lies, they only keep me around on their Facebook friends list because if they outright abandon me, I will of course notice.
These same people are the ones that probably question the validity of my gender identity, my Latinx identity, and whether or not I have a legitimate claim to one, the other, or either.
Guess what? I know you are doing this. I know that you are treating me like shit at every opportunity possible…
A lot of people here are guilty of this. I think a lot of people here who claim to be my friends, are secretly harboring the vision of ‘if only Isabel disappeared’ or 'she is so needy’ or 'get a job’ or some other transmisogynist or ableist bullshit too numerous in multitude to list in this single rant.
So what if I am not up on the latest spicy Discourse™ on X, Y and Z or Fidget Spinners, Fidget cubes or Whatever Media or videogame is out everyone is going on about? I have been trying to only push ahead with trying to rebuild from houselessness, and mostly alone and most of the time, without enough outside help or intervention. And with the backdrop of constant threat by Kiwi Farms stalkers and cyberbullying transmisogynists I have lived with for the nearly 9 years now.
9 years of cyberbullying and cyberstalking have completely damaged me beyond repair; hell, of course put me on a permanent course of overall radicalization.
Today I almost quit the budding efforts of trying to put together a tabletop game amongst a few trusted mostly Trans femme friends - Why? Because I am frustrated. Because I am feep down too angry and upset and poor to engage in geekdom and because I have the trauma from when I was involved with a transmisogynist anime club when I was attending community college in New Jersey. My college years are years I regret, and regard as a mistake and should have simply bolted West to Portland at the first opportunity presented to me back in 2005 or 2006.
I simply don’t have the will or the wherewithal to be live these days. All I have ever seen or known has been abuse since birth.
Don’t comment on here and pretend that you care - You cannot fathom what I have been through. It would be a serious insult to me if you even tried.
It’s impossible for me to trust anyone. It’s impossible for me to feel like I am loved or cared for. I really believe that it is too late for someone like me.
When, not if, I decide to go through with ending it. I don’t want to be talked out of it. I don’t know if I have anything to live for anymore.
Isabel.
I am just going to cry myself to sleep or more hurt after writing this.
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