11/7/2015 - My Dinner With Watermelon

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Alec Benson Leary

Creator of Asperchu
Christorical Figure
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Feb 10, 2013
I consulted with Null to decide what the appropriate place to put this is. He said that while categorically, it would belong in the general lolcow section, its prime audience would be CWC followers so I should put it here. I agreed.

So recently in that there Silvana thread, Watermelon got threadbanned, because I don't know if any of you have ever tried to eat watermelon that has a lot of salt on it but it doesn't taste very good. He decided to continue the conversation with me via PM, which was fine with me; I figured it was a great opportunity to see inside his head a bit so I was happy to engage him as long as he wanted. Herein follows our conversation:

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VikingBoyBilly:
How can asperchu be trusted as an accurate parody when you won't even bother to read the source material?

Alec Benson Leary:
It's a parody of Chris's life views at large, not his comic.

VikingBoyBilly:
Would you write a parody of Stephenie Meyer without reading the Twilight saga?

That's why it's taking me so long to write my Ed Edd'n Eddy crossover fic; her drivel takes years to research.

Alec Benson Leary:
Are you really this dense? Sonichu is a tiny fraction of who Chris is. All the "research" I needed about his life was readily available in hundreds of videos, emails, and interactions that were catalogued on a wiki.

You keep trying to catch me in a logical fallacy, you've decided for yourself that sonichu was my end target and I somehow missed something crucial. In reality, my goal was to make people laugh by poking fun at Chris's shitty personality, and hundreds of people who actually understand that fact think I succeeded with flying colors.

You're not going to make yourself look smart by accusing me of failing a goal I never claimed in the first place.

VikingBoyBilly:
Woah there, princess, you made lotsa hostility for this picnic.

I don't need to have arguments about webcomics to look smart. I have this piece of paper called a transcript for that; and I assume you have one too, after your commendable work juggling aserchu, school, and a job, so we're on even footing; but that's just academics.

You're right about me: I'm dense; as in I have a thick skin to insults, which is why interacting with Christine Christian Christopher Ricardo Weston Chandler doesn't bother me.

As for Asperchu, I haven't actually read it yet, so I won't say it's bad. On the contrary, I have high expectations. Thing is, the one time I tried, it was NSFW right on the get-go, so I can only read it at night =(

When I first found out about CWC and Sonichu, the first thing I did was read the comic. No context from the cwcki articles and archives, just Sonichu on it's own. I was coming off of watching bad Sonic recolor videos like Bludshot, so when I read Sonichu... man, I knew it was the KING of recolors. Reading it was such a unique and surreal experience. Then I read the cwcki artiles to learn why Sonichu is the way it is.

Do you see why I'm dissapointed? You're one of the biggest figures of kiwifarms, and you haven't read most of it; and that entails Asperchu is going to be all about CWC, with little to no nods to the magically bewildering lines and scenes from Sonichu itself. I'm actually surprised by how many members I see here that say they haven't read much of it and say it's unreadable, usually relying on the audiobooks. I say it's confusing, but not unreadable.

Tell you what, if you play my parody, Sonichu in Maradonia, and write a critical review, I'll read the entirety of Apserchu and review that. Giving up because the puzzles are too hard doesn't count; I want you to see the hilarious ending.

We could be friends, Alec. We're both trolls, after all; but alas, due to Chris and Reality, our paths are starstruck. In his mind you're an evil monster, and I don't want to hurt Chris and Anna by being caught closely associating with you. So we can only be... minor forum acquaintances until some unforseeable future day when cwc confirms she doesn't hate you.

Do you want me to tell you my motive?

Alec Benson Leary:
Do you see why I'm dissapointed? You're one of the biggest figures of kiwifarms, and you haven't read most of it; and that entails Asperchu is going to be all about CWC, with little to no nods to the magically bewildering lines and scenes from Sonichu itself.
You don't need to infer that Asperchu is all about Chris, because I just explicitly told you it's all about Chris.

Tell you what, if you play my parody, Sonichu in Maradonia, and write a critical review, I'll read the entirety of Apserchu and review that. Giving up because the puzzles are too hard doesn't count; I want you to see the hilarious ending.
I'm not really interested in your Macedonia thing. And why would I care about getting your review? What would that possibly do for me? I stopped drawing the comic years ago and still to this day I have people praising me and telling me how much they love it, and they do so just because they want to say hi to someone they like, not because they think their opinion is a prestigious bargaining chip for which I'll trade anything. But if you want your thing to get attention, post it on the forum. There's probably plenty of people here who would honestly love to give it a shot. I'll read what they say about it.

I don't need to have arguments about webcomics to look smart. I have this piece of paper called a transcript for that; and I assume you have one too, after your commendable work juggling aserchu, school, and a job, so we're on even footing; but that's just academics.
This is the second time you've sarcastically brought up me working and going to school unprovoked, based on one line from one phone call I made five years ago. I said it to Chris because Chris never did shit with his life and I thought it'd be a funny way to make him jealous of the glorious life accomplishments of a manly figure he couldn't ever compete with. But guess what Waterman, a lot of adults work their way through school, it's not actually impressive to normal people - but the fact that you seem to be pretty stuck on it as if I was seriously boasting of some great personal strength says a lot more about your life achievements than it does about mine. I don't think that line trolled Chris nearly as effectively as it seems to have trolled you.

Do you want me to tell you my motive?
I don't think it matters if I want you to or not. You brought it up out of nowhere because you clearly want to tell me. So by all means, go ahead.

VikingBoyBilly:
Allow me to show you the hidden depths of my sarcasm (which is genius) (nobody can be as awesome at sarcasm as me) (I'm the greatest) (subtlety is my specialty)

Dox yourself to prove me wrong! =D

P.S. I'm not telling you my motive until you beg for it.

Alec Benson Leary:
Three times. Three times now you're getting worked up about the idea of someone having a job when you don't.

You must be really salty about that. Way more than Chris ever got.

VikingBoyBilly:
You think I don't have a job? Haven't you looked at my dox? I know kiwis doxed me at some point, sometime after I first came in contact with Chris.

You don't even have to look at old forum threads, it's right there on my facebook page. My joking demand for you to reveal your dox is my subltle way of screaming "DOX ME AND YOU'LL SEE I HAVE A JOB AND WAS WORKING THROUGH COLLEGE, YOU IDIOT"; but you didn't make the expected, intelligent response of retorting "lol you can't dox me, but I can dox you". Instead you make a stupid assumption, because you can't be arsed to do simple research.

I keep bringing up the job/school/asperchu thing because it's such an unfeasible claim. I had thought "yeah, it's unfeasable because he just wanted to play it up and exaggerate to make Chris feel worse," but now I'm thinking you really don't know what working through college or being in a work-study program is like. You're not likely to spend all hours of every day working or in classes. There are some days of the week you might not even have classes, and work is usually part-time. I know this because I was in a work-study program. There's no way you had an extreme 10-hour daily school/work regiment and still had time for daily asperchu uploads. You wouldn't have the time for such a frivolous comic. Only two of those at most is believable, and Asperchu isn't the false one. The school and work are the dubious assertions... unless you were drawing in class, but Asperchu is digital artwork. I might be willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you did have school and work, but just lied about it taking ten hours every day of the week.

How do you think I commissioned drawings from Chris and sponsored the first set of pages when he was setting up an etsy page for donations? With the income I get. From my job. I'm taking graduate classes while working to earn a Master's degree. What are you doing with yourself? Why is it that Null seems to be the head honcho here? You were probably Chris's biggest troll (besides himself), right? Is it because someone else is paying for Kiwifarms server space? Because you don't have a regular income?

What is with this accusation that I feel inadequate about my accomplishments in life—compared to you, of all people? Just last weekend I won a 5K race that's an annual benefit drive for a boy in my high school class who died two years ago in a car crash. I practiced jogging all year for it to be my best, because he deserves the best. I ran 3.1 miles in under 25 minutes. That's a far cry from Sonichu's edge. You're telling me that's meaningless and I'm inferior to you taking classes, working, and drawing asperchu at the same time? Fucl you, you s'phtty garg. That's just one thing I've done with my life. There are pictures of the winners with me in it. I can verify this claim.

I learned a lot about human nature from looking at fanfiction. Suethors pour themselves into their writing, consciously and unconsciously, so their stories reveal their true nature; and I see a lot of the same things. You think Chris is this unique oddity, but the truth is he is the apex of typical. Everyone believes the entire world should exist for them. Everyone expects instant, true, eternal love and villifies everyone that doesn't gratify their wishes. They write to live unhinged in their own fantasy world, and you can only see the full scope of their worldview from analyzing their fiction. Tommy Wiseau is Chris with money; Stephenie Meyer is non-trans female Chris with a marketable audience; Gloria Tesch is a vapid teenage female Chris; L.Ron Hubbard was Chris that started a literal cult following; 90% of fanfiction.net is typical Chris mary sue fanfiction. Everyone is Chris. Yet they're all so unique. Fanfiction is a window into the most honest common human desires inside a medley of alien planets that is the way they see the world.

I dedicated years to studying the human psyche through critique of bad fiction. Take it from me: if you haven't read Sonichu, you don't know Chris. It's the biggest part of who he is.

I wonder what I would learn about you by reading asperchu. (I'll take an experienced guess that I'll learn you're yet another Chris)

I'll tell you a few things I already learned just from directly conversing with you:
  • You've been very presumptuous, assuming things like I'm trying to make myself look smart with an honest complaint and I don't have a job because I draw attention to one line you said mentioning you worked. You uncritically believe your assumptions and are unaware of your arrogance.
  • You're defensive about Asperchu, quick to blurt out that hundreds of fans are telling you how great it is. I thought Asperchu was just this thing you made to troll Chris, but it seems like you're attached to it and are proud of how much praise it gets. That is the attitude suethors have with their work. Seriously? I don't care about how many people say they like Asperchu. I don't care whether or not you or anyone else praise Sonichu in Maradonia. I actually hope anyone that plays it will want to kill me for creating such a monstrosity, but I create art to make a good product for others to experience, not for popularity or self-aggrandizing; I also want critique and experience to improve.
  • You're a veteran kiwi who doesn't know what Maradonia is.
  • I have repeatedly all-but-outright flatly announced I'm trolling (It's a rule that a troll never says they're a troll, so I can't actually say it), and you keep replying to me.
  • You continue throwing insults my way after I told you that won't make me angry, because as I've said in the past, I have this thing called humility.
  • You're reluctant to share information about yourself, entirely evading my request for dox proving your claims. I told you I have a transcript. Show me yours, and I'll show you mine. Somehow I doubt I'm going to see your transcript, and I don't think it's because you're wary of handing out a record of your education; I think it's because you don't have one at all. I'll freely use my IRL identity and let you google my dox because I have nothing to be ashamed of, but you seem to be hiding everything about your IRL life. (Is your name really Alec Benson Leary?)
  • I express a slight interest in extending my hand for friendship, and you slap it away to embrace belittling me with something that's not even true and you took no time to verify.
  • You're cut from the same cloth as Ceilick, and you're just another typical American suethor.
I don't want to believe these things are reality. I want to believe you're really a good guy, and the truth is you're just sensitive. Your work as Jacklyn Romy is a brilliant execution of organized trolling; an admirable display of your talent for deception—Oh, wait, this is Chris we're talking about; it doesn't take a mastermind to troll him like that, but it does take the commitment of someone with too much time on their hands. You're using your time and talent frittering away on someone harmless like Chris.

I've been a true friend to Christine, helping her do something more fulfilling than TV and Vidya all day. This fulfilling thing happens to produce more Sonichu content for everyone on this forum to enjoy. I want to do what's best for everyone! I think you may need more help than she does now, and I'd be willing to be your friend; but only if you're willing to accept that. I want to help you, Al, but you have to wish for it. I think you'd find that I'm really not such a judgmental guy =)

Think about this: Chris trusts me, but unlike Anna, I'll listen to you, and unlike Kengle, I don't have brain damage.

If you reject my final offer of friendship, you don't need to reply to this conversation anymore. You've already revealed enough of your true character to me; I don't even need to see your dox. Or continue to feed the troll if you want. I don't care.

That was my version of Jackie Emails 23 directed at YOU!

I'm going to visit my dead high school friend's grave tomorrow. My love will be with him. I send my love to him when I meditate, and maybe sometimes I'll meditate some love your way when I have to do the "send your love to someone you dislike" part. I hope you'll open your heart to reason and stop being, as Jackie would say, "incredibly petty and vindictive."

VikingBoyBilly:
Oh, and the way you described Asperchu as a parody of Chris's life views sounds like it's a big ALogging comic.

Alec Benson Leary:
I thought about quoting a bunch of different points from your words so I could answer each individually. But I think I can sum things up by quoting just one piece:

What is with this accusation that I feel inadequate about my accomplishments in life—compared to you, of all people?

Because you think that Null "ruling" the forum instead of me actually matters to me at all, like we're all here engaged in some machiavellian power struggle. Because you live to be a troll, so you think everyone else has no higher concern in life either.

Because you think that my ignorance of this Maradonia thing proves my unworthiness as a "veteran troll", when in reality it proves Maradonia's failure to be interesting to a casual observer.

And because when I poke you, you wonderful devious troll, you feel the need to write an angry two-page essay proving how great and accomplished you are. And when you poke me, I don't feel any need to prove myself to you at all, because William Elliot Waterman can think I'm a loser and my day still goes on just fine.


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He makes it clear that when I slap away this final olive branch, there will be no more discourse but only terrible war between our two armies, so I figured this was as good a point as any to publicize it for everyone.
 
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Alec Benson Leary

Creator of Asperchu
Christorical Figure
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Feb 10, 2013
Here are the things I take away from all of this:

-He clearly believes that I'm still living and breathing Asperchu each day, even though I got fed up drawing it like four years ago. It seems difficult for him to conceive that I've moved on.

-He seems to follow the "Chris and negotiation" school of economics. He dangles his offer of a review for my comic in front of me like a valuable prize, when the reality is I wouldn't care if Frank Miller himself offered to review it because I've been done with it for like forever. Likewise, he dangles his offer of troll partnership in front of me, believing that A) I must be super interested in having a controlling position on all the troll schemes regarding Chris, and B) that even if I am, that his offer is worth anything when I could go talk to a hundred trolls that are smarter than he is.

-He is very, very salty about life accomplishments. I don't know if this masters program he claims is true or not, but what's telling is the first time he brags about it, he doesn't say "I have this thing called a job" or "I'm in this thing called a masters program". He says "I have this piece of paper called a transcript". That seems like a revealing choice of words, when for most people a transcript (meaning high school transcript I would guess, since a piece of paper from tertiary education would usually be called a diploma or certificate or something) is a stepping stone to actual accomplishment, not an end itself. Poking him about this subject obviously elicits a lot of anger. For a guy with such lofty goals and the means to attain them, he is comically quick to be drawn into yelling at a meanie on the internet. (Bonus points on this because he states he's already been doxxed and I could easily verify his claims, but I care so little that I won't even go looking.)

-Related to the subject of life accomplishments, he assumes an easy way to get under my skin is by teasing me that I'm not "leader" of the forum, that Null should be my enemy in the great power struggle of cutthroat politics and I curse him for stealing my throne from me. I also should have my grapes salted, apparently, because he jabs that I'm not knowledgeable on the story of every lolcow, which I guess is a pissing contest he's quite proud to be in. He may as well be teasing me for not knowing the names of all 800 pokemon for all that it matters. He can look at my posting history, one would think that my total lack of posts in lolcow threads other than Chris's might suggest I just haven't been interested.

-He has some kind of master troll plan; I'm not sure what it is because I skimmed a lot of his essay (but I would guess it involves renting an office and getting Chris a job there while we secretly film him). This part is the most intriguing to me because we've long wondered what the exact ratio of "stupid autist" to "stupid troll" is with him and now I think we at least have a marginally better idea. Of course he'll respond to this outing by saying it was all his master plan and he tricked me into believing what he wants me to believe because the phrase "it was all a grand experiment" is the only uninteresting soothe these kind of people ever have for their butthurt.

-Lastly, he is comically unaware of the world around him, perhaps rivaling Chris himself in this regard. He doesn't seem to understand at all that we trolls live lives outside of the cartoonish narrative we paint for viewers on the internet. He really seems dumbfounded and frustrated that I don't care to prove my worth as a person to some nobody on the internet, but when the tables turn he jumps on that same opportunity without a second thought, unaware that he's being led around by the nose. He refuses to believe that I don't care about some idiot troll plan. He really doesn't seem to understand that he's not a hotshot mystery man and that nobody actually finds his trolling conspiracy to be deliciously enticing. And he doesn't have any idea of what running a forum is like - the job is herding a thousand autistic cats, I respect Null for doing it but I wouldn't want the job if I was offered a million bucks to take it. On the contrary, Waterman seems to honestly believe we look like the 4-cent garbage building on the inside, a digital empire with a formal hierarchy and dramatic soap-opera style power struggles.

So there you have it. By the way Waterman, let me preemptively award you a hundred internets for pointing out how you tricked me into spending my time talking about you. There once was a time when we had a policy of not discussing you, but you knew better and got yourself your very own thread on a lolcow forum. Congratulations.
 
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Null

Custodian of Records
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Nov 14, 2012
That textwall rant is beautiful. Holy shit.

Why is it that Null seems to be the head honcho here?
Alec has never asked me for any responsibility on the board. He shows no interest in running a community. I'm the only dipshit on the face of the planet willing and able to host a website like this. Giving it over to Alec would be more of a blessing than a curse to him.

@VikingBoyBilly Asperchu is insignificant to Alec, to the forum, to the story and life of Christian Weston Chandler, and the world in general. You appear to intentionally embellish its importance because that entertains you more. It's delusion by choice. I'm pretty sure the only reason Alec even let you talk at him as long as he did was in hopes of having you chimp and write a 20 paragraph essay, complete with bullet points, critiquing a 5 year dead webcomic series.

You put this much effort into something that is all but forgotten. Right now, the person Asperchu means the most to is you.
 

CatParty

Boo
Forum Staff
⚡ Thunderdomer ⚡
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Feb 3, 2013
If there's a time to halal Watersperg, now is the time.

(is halal even the correct choice of terms though, considering he's been under watch even before he made an account here)

this is his third account. he has also previously tarded out trying to personal army his commander keen forums
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/my-demands.6918/
 

Boxy Brown

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Jul 7, 2015
I learned a lot about human nature from looking at fanfiction
Fucking awesome, you should have milked him more dude.
Thing is, the one time I tried, it was NSFW right on the get-go, so I can only read it at night =(
He probably uses his family's computer just like Chris
You think Chris is this unique oddity, but the truth is he is the apex of typical.
Anybody who thinks Chris is typical must be the apex of autistic.
 

BILLY MAYS

Donate to MATI: http://bit.ly/MadAtTheInternet
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Oct 17, 2015
this is his third account. he has also previously tarded out trying to personal army his commander keen forums
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/my-demands.6918/

too bad back then everyone julay'd out instead of actually milking watersperg

I have repeatedly all-but-outright flatly announced I'm trolling
LOL-I-TROLL-YOU.png
 
B

BT 075

Guest
kiwifarms.net
  1. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/501.jpg?1446393748 A moment agoHyperion:
    we should frame watermelon with a crime and then laugh when he gets raped and murdered in prison
  2. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/501.jpg?1446393748 A moment agoHyperion:
    ebin troling paln amirite
 

Alec Benson Leary

Creator of Asperchu
Christorical Figure
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Feb 10, 2013
Christ, just like Chris's ramblings it's impossible for me to sift through the 'tism in one read, so I didn't notice this part til I was editing a bit:

Watermelon said:
you didn't make the expected, intelligent response of retorting "lol you can't dox me, but I can dox you". Instead you make a stupid assumption, because you can't be arsed to do simple research.
So being goaded into a fight would be the intelligent response. "I can't be arsed" must mean I'm lazy and stupid, not that he hasn't given me any incentive to care. Jesus, is he deluded. He really must have nothing else going on.

Also Null, thanks for the achievement!
 
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