User Sub 2014-Dec-19 Catie's Story -

Alan Pardew

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(Note: Original post by skyraider91)

The following is a direct quote from "Catie" that she has asked me to release:

I approached the first date with Chris like most people approach online dating, you just set up some lunch or coffee date or some shit and see if you can tolerate one another without the computer screen. Except that I knew I was going to have to hand-wave and tolerate an awful lot of crazy shit, most of the early Catie interactions online were a lot like any budding online friendship via a dating site.

When I started out, it was entirely on my own with no involvement from Christorical figures and trolls. I didn't expect to get anywhere. Most would-be trolls don't. So there was no plan for an irl meeting since I'm too chicken to go it alone. When I got advice/help from other Christorians, that's when we put the idea together for a date.

I think I did refer to it as a "lunch date" or something like that, but it was the same routine I've gone though from online dating before. I tried to keep the Catie interactions as normal as possible, as weird as that probably sounds. Chris wanted to spend an entire day together, go bra-shopping at Target with him, wanted me to spend the night and watch movies with him, even asked me what I like for breakfast so he could buy it. It would have been kind of nice behaviour if it weren't the first time he was going to meet this woman. I told him a few times that I wasn't going to spend the night with him, but he persisted in believing I would.

It took place the last weekend in August because it took a while to coordinate. By then, Chris had been chatting with "Catie" for about four weeks. My "Cousin Al" came with me so I wouldn't be alone with Chris at Applebee's. It was set for like 2pm or something but Chris told me he always likes to be half an hour early for dates (all two of the ones he's had in his life?), so WE had to be there early so we could get there first. This is a rundown of the date itself from right after:

12:45pm: Arrived in Charlottesville. We knew Chris would be early since he said he was "always early for dates" though he's had all of like three dates in his life including this one. Took a few mins to adjust before going in and getting a seat. Faced the door so wE could see him coming.

1.10pm: VISUAL CONTACT ESTABLISHED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Al spotted him first in the car park, said, "It's either Chris or an ugly old woman." He looked right at us and I waved, and he sorta waved back, but got seated separately because autism. He was two booths down. I bit the bullet and went over. He wanted me to use some shitty-ass stupid pickup line, "What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?" But I just asked if he was Christian. He all but leaped up and squawked, "CATHERINE! YOU'RE HERE!" Then he side hugged me before I could employ evasive tactics and I led him to our table. The look on the waitress's face was priceless. She may need serious therapy after this.

Chris was wearing a red T-shirt and grey undershirt, his "kilt" (really some old lady style plaid skirt to the calf) with turquoise tights, and grotty sneakers. I hoped he would wear high heels, since he said he likes wearing them. His hair looked like straw, probably from the bleach he used to use, and he had a silver hairband and green earrings. He had on blue eyeshadow and purple eyeliner and red lipstick that appear to have been applied by someone with advanced Parkinson's. He smelled very strongly of what we later found out was that Brittany Spears purfume. He shook Al's hand and used hand sanitizer. He seemed genuinely amazed I was even there.

1.30 - 3.30pm: The date went really well. Chris had some trouble with volume control when we talked about Jerkops and we asked a lot about his conspiracy theories. He thinks Snyder bribed the police to beat him up and ran into their car himself and there are still trolls making it impossible for him to get work. We pressed him for details on his corruption conspiracies because we wanted to see how depraved they were, under the pretense that he could sue for millions. But after he couldnt come up with good answers he stress sighed, and we changed the subject.

We asked after Barb's teeth. She has really bad cavities apparently.

The rental is secured through November, according to Chris.

Chris expects Catie to move into 14BC with him and Barb. He had previously expressed willingness to move to [another town in Virginia] with Catie, but he's either changed his mind or forgotten or both. Chris thinks Barb could handle little kids in the house too, when Al asked how he would have a family living with his mother. Chris thinks Barb would be a great babysitter and caretaker, so I guess there goes Chris's plans to be a House Husband.

He kept trying to hold my hand so I negotiated lunch like a t-Rex with strumpy little arms. Then he tried footsie under the table. And he stared at my tits a lot. I kept hoping Cousin Al would say something but he never did. In retrospect I should've called him out on it.

Barb's family apparently also think Barb is a useless drunken whore too. (Note: a few days after the meeting, Chris told me that when Barb was young, she aggressively went after her sister's husband or fiance. I think it might have been Cousin Harriet's husband, Tom. Anyway, the family concluded that Barb is a shitty person and pretty much wrote her off, except Aunt Corina for some reason. Tom and Harriet still occasionally exchange pleasantries with Barb, but won't let her visit or even tell her their address.)

Chris now tips 15%; I gave the waitress all my singles and wrote "I am so sorry you had to see that, you're a trooper!" on the check.

3.30pm: We were going to escape to the "mechanic" where Catie's car was, but Chrissy wanted to follow us. When he offered to show us 14BC, we took him upon it. We followed him even though Al knew where we were going. Chris seriously drives like my demented old grandma who doesn't have a license anymore because she kept going the wrong way up one way streets.

Chris said, "This isn't how I imagined bringing a girl home!"

The place is.... Bad. Much smaller than I thought it would be, too. Its overgrown and there is broken glass everywhere. Everywhere you look there's STUFF, all garbage. Bob's old workshop is full of rubbish. His greenhouse is doing slightly better but not much. There's an early 90s Cadillac in the yard covered in plant growth that hasn't been moved since the fire, they want to sell it and expect $2000 - $5000 for it.

Al expressed interest in buying some of Bob's records and chris was pretty happy about that. More Lego money!!

4pm: We go to the rental. It is literally stacked to the ceiling with stuff in places, no exaggeration. Chris occupies both upstairs rooms, one is full of Lego (including melted, warped fire damaged Lego, a lot of it), and the other has his same grotty bedding from the old house. He keeps a pic of Catie on his nightstand and practices kisses on it. I should have told him that was creepy as hell but at the time I was just way too stunned that he even had it there. He introduced me to Bob via an old picture. He kept putting his arm around me and getting creepy too close so I kept moving around and fake sneezing. I thought it was because he's creepy, Al thinks it's his autism, but it's likely both. Funnily enough he mentioned earlier that his experiences with Megan taught him NOT to do that touchy creepy thing. He was bragging about it.

We looked at his yearbooks. Physically handled them. He has two from his Seinor Year. They smell smoke damaged but aren't too bad. I never found out why he has two yearbooks, I think he said Barb gave him an order form and Bob also did. Nobody signed either, Chris seemed surprised at the suggestion that people sign yearbooks at all.

Barb was actually very pleasant. But I know abusive people: the mask of normalcy is their cover. She said I was very pretty and we chatted about family history and Cole nearly dying of a sinus infection when he was nineteen. Barb thinks the insurance agent hates her because she is "too smart" for them and too shrewd, rather than being a cantankerous old harpy.

The Chandler's pets pee and shit in the house on newspaper because they're too lazy to take them for walkies. The dogs are untrained, hate strangers, and are at least twenty pounds overweight. Their bellies all but drag on the floor. One nearly bit me when I offered to let it smell me.

When we made our escape, Chris said, "You asked what a girl like me was doing in a place like this?" (No Chris!!) "Well I'm waiting for the sweetest most honest woman in my life!" And put his arm around me to kiss me so I sneezed again to get him to back off. I waved at him when we got into the car and he still thinks I blew him a kiss.

He gave me a goodie bag of shit, mostly My Little Pony related. There were the two pictures he drew of me, and the CD. There was an MLP iPhone case because he also wanted to take me shopping for an iPhone to put on his plan so he could call me as much as he wanted. I turned him down but he said I could regift it. No clue what happened to it at this point.


That's for the first date. If you want information on subsequent planned meetings I can relay it through Thetan or Skyraider.
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