Orbiter [5 Mar 2019] FRIENDSHIP IMPLOSION! - Slingblade tells his side of the story (and by "story" I mean lie).


Beating my meat like everyone's watching.
True & Honest Fan
Does anyone know what "dietary restrictions" Torren is alluding to?
Chances are Phil eats the 'non-vegan' food when his supply of shit starts running low. Remember that Papa Murphy's receipt? The one with two giant pizzas and four salads? Phil was also begging last month about how he needed 300$ for groceries so there's a strong chance Slingblade buys overpriced specialty foods. We've all seen how Phil, with limited funds, will spend sixteen dollars on 'natural figs' and a wedge of cheese instead of a weeks worth of groceries.


Asocial distancing, please.
True & Honest Fan
Supplementry reading material: Slingblade's "headmates" as of 11 Jan 2019 (less than 2 months ago)

You see there were only 5 headmates (including the "main", Slingblade), and none is listed as very suicidal.
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Angry New Ager

Farting for God soon
True & Honest Fan
So we have two troons: one an alcoholic grifter with a nasty temper who claims to have DID; the other a cowardly, hygienically-challenged, autistic child-man who spends much of his days wallowing in cartoonish authoritarian fantasies.

Oh yeah, this roommate sitcom was going to last. Honestly, I'm amazed they've managed to live together for as long as they have.

If Jon actually wanted to kill himself, he'd fucking do it, gun or no gun. Does Jon follow Richard on Twitter? Because that melted trash bag has made a pretty much identical claim--that he suffers greatly from suicidal ideation, but would only do the deed if he ever had access to a firearm. Apparently, the overwhelming desire to end the pain of one's worthless existence can be mollified by the lack of the right dramatic, gory (and, dare I say, phallocentric?) means to do it.

Which is such obvious fucking horseshit, especially to anybody who has actually attempted suicide, or done a "test run" to see if the easiest, surest method at their disposal might actually work. Horse. Fucking. Shit. His suicidal ideation is as real as his alleged DID.

So Jon's forthcoming move has nothing to do with Phil acquiring a firearm, or at least not with Jon being terrified of its existence in the apartment lest he find it and his suicidal/homicidal alter kills him with it.

My theory: For the last year, Phil's been getting even more wrapped up in Antifa, and more paranoid and radicalized, with more talk of actually committing violent acts. At the same time, some Antifa shithead or other has actually taken him out and attempted to teach him to handle and shoot firearms--which has only further enflamed Phil's posturing as someone capable of doing violence. Also, getting his manhole installed has not done anything to make Phil a happier, more docile spud; if anything, I think the disappointing results, unpleasant ongoing maintenance requirements, and subsequent pain and smelly discharge have proven to be a huge downer for him. But since he has no worthwhile coping mechanisms to speak of, getting further into Antifa/ancom shit while waving his phantom dick around and proclaiming what a badass he is has to suffice.

And all of that has got to make Phil--who was candidate for Most Disgusting Roommate Ever, even at the very beginning--even harder to live with. He's got to be absolutely fucking impossible, at this point.

Even a year ago, Phil was largely content to play in his fantasy world of Australatina, drawing maps and roadsigns, and coming up with new adventures for his imaginary friend Xochi. Sure, violence, especially of the jackbooted authoritarian kind, has always been a big part of Phil's fantasy life. But going back, say, a year and a half ago, and watching him sperg over bikes and his imaginary third-world dictatorship and his next shitty tattoo--it seems almost innocent by comparison to where he's at now.

I still maintain that Phil could easily be manipulated by the wrong far-left "comrades," and be used as a patsy for some violent act. He's stupid and a coward, and thus utterly worthless in an actual fight or mob action. But he's not too cowardly to be the guy sent to place a package bomb on a target's doorstep, for example, especially if doing so would get him asspats from his "comrades," and assurances that he's the Antifa "supersoldier" he longs to be. It wouldn't take a genius to manipulate him into doing something with potentially deadly consequences; just somebody willing to tolerate his presence and treat him as an asset, as somebody who belonged.

So if Jon's moving out is all due to Phil owning an actual gun, it's because holy shit, yes, get away from this impulsive, increasingly radicalized exceptional individual before he inevitably does something regrettable with it. And with Phil, that could take all kinds of forms. After three years of living in the squalor and stench of that shitty apartment, there are apparently realities no amount of vodka can blot out, and one is that Phil is even less mentally stable and more violence-obsessed than ever. So it's better to leave while the getting is good, because if Phil runs afoul of the law, or does something that garners widespread attention, Jon's going to get splattered by that--and probably end up homeless again as a result.

Oh, and vodka is probably cheaper and easier to buy in the Midwest than it is in Oregon, because Oregon taxes the shit out of liquor, and has state-owned liquor stores that are only open for limited hours. It's 8:00 PM and you've already drained that handle you bought? Well, you're shit out of luck until late the following morning. For such a "progressive" state that has legalized weed, Oregon has got some of the most absurdly regressive liquor laws anywhere. How is a drunk to live, under such circumstances?

The Dude

Bro, don't even bro, bro.
True & Honest Fan
Torn on this one. Either Toren is lying on Phil’s behalf to convince “fash” he is actually packing heat, or Phil has done a convincing job convincing the ogre that he actually is...

Slingblade won't do anything helpful to benefit Phil. He wouldn't even perpetuate Phil's lie about getting GRS. No, Slingblade is only lying about Phil getting a gun to benefit himself alone. If he can convince rubes that he's "a victim at risk" then he might stand a better chance of mooching some cash out of them. That's all.

Does anyone know what "dietary restrictions" Torren is alluding to? Is he lactose intolerant? Does he need gluten-free human bones to grind up into his bread?

Yeah, Slingblade has "restricted" himself from ever dieting. It's just more bullshit to look like more of a victim to the rubes.

Pepito The Cat

My power is maximum
True & Honest Fan
Supplementry reading material: Slingblade's "headmates" as of 11 Jan 2019 (less than 2 months ago)
View attachment 685819
You see there were only 5 headmates (including the "main", Slingblade), and none is listed as very suicidal.

You know, it's hard to call on someone's bullshit when said shit is so paper thin. "legally disabled" my ass. He's not even original in his predictment; these self diagnosed multi-ststem DIDs are a dime a dozen on Tumblr, what makes this drunken hobo any special? Good luck with your next mark, Toren. You're gonna need it in the land of the "boys will be boys".

Replicant Sasquatch

Do Lolcows Dream of Electric Hedgehog Pokemon?
Does Hogwarts have a special-ed program?

More importantly... are there 'tard wizards? I would definitely read a book about exceptional wizards.
All of Hufflepuff House. Their common area is even in the basement, to prepare them for moving back in with their parents and continuing to be complete disappointments to everyone.

Dr. Boe Jangles Esq.

Original Prick
True & Honest Fan
Maybe I give Toren too much credit, but I'm inclined to believe a pretty mundane account of things here:

-No, Phil does not have a gun. Even a beat-to-shit Hi-Point with the grip taped on will eat $200 from your wallet, and that is money Phil does not and will never have to burn, and he's unlikely to find anyone willing to sell it to him if he did. He has an airsoft pistol, and Toren knows it.

-No, Toren is not suicidal, nor does he have DID or any other fictitious aliment. He's a chronically unemployed drunk with an inflated sense of self.

-I will spare the reader an attempt to rehash the already well-covered points of why Phil is not pleasant company to live with, but what then? Toren cannot, under any circumstances, say that Phil is a dirty layabout with no boundaries and he's sick of dealing with a hangover while his roommate screams about the fash into a phone camera.

This reads like Toren realizing he cannot, in his chosen circles, state the true reason he's leaving. He desires free housing with no commitments or rules, but feels that living with an unwashed degenerate is beneath him. He has therefore constructed a series of fictions as to why he has to leave that paints him in the best possible light.

Toren has always been more of the Greta type than the Phil type of Rat King. He's not insane or deluded, just lazy and self-important. This is an attempt to look for better options, nothing more.

The really interesting part is if this is going to work or not. Toren may not be able to find other options for housing, and the previous "moving out" saga indicates to me that this is the second attempt. There is a decent chance that they both will be forced to stay where they are for lack of other options.
The Rat King version of "The Odd Couple" ain't over yet, folks.

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Why can't they leave this fucking franchise just rest in peace?