- Highlight
- #1
I present to you, fellow Kiwis, a satire, "The Negro Problem".
Late into the nighttime within a secret log cabin in the fields deep in the middle of southern Mississippi laid the Grand Wizard of one of the few remaining chapters of the KKK spoke to the eight members of the group across a long wooden table. With food and beverages spread around and all members engaged, The Grand Wizard stands up and bellows a prideful, but desperate speech:
“My fellow brothers of the Ku Klux Klan, we have been reluctant to point out the elephant in the room for a long time, but it is now that it needs to be pointed out. That elephant is the nigger, the very entity that we have been fighting against since our ancestors created the first Klan movement. Back in the olden days, when that damn nigger-loving Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, we were allowed to exist. The nigger was weak without the chains of his slave master. They had nothing to work for and nothing to live for. They were the equivalent of homeless whites. This commonly offered fun for the meetings. Every night, our ancestors would group up and dress in these white hoods, have a little party with a few drinks, pray to God, and then they’d just go out and lynch a nigger. Any nigger on the street. It didn’t matter what that nigger thought or how that nigger was as a person, a nigger was always a nigger. We treated all niggers the same. It was fun, morally correct, and most importantly, it was accepted. However, my brothers, it feels as if the niggers have won the war. Ever since they got their damn rights, the niggers have taken over our turf. Nowadays, you can’t go around lynching no nigger randomly as someone will always be out there to criticize you for it and arrest you. They call it a goddamn hate crime and we all know that it’s not that I hate niggers, it’s just that they fucking exist. Inferiority has no right to stand on the same ground as the white man. Somebody’s gotta do the damn job to take out the nigger trash, but no one was willing to do it except us. For over a century and a half, we bullied niggers, we lynched niggers, we raped their ugly wives if we wanted to, but that time is now over. Now everyone loves niggers. If you say that you hate niggers, they’ll come at ya. You can’t even be honest about it with your wife and your children about your beliefs, because they teach in those schools how we’re bad racist men and all of that hooey. Our culture is now infested with the nigger’s culture. The days of the white man are now over. I can’t go anywhere without seeing the goddamn nigger culture. Why, I remember stumbling upon my daughter’s bedroom and she was shucking and jiving to one of those nigger rap tunes. I just about cringed. Winced, even. The nigger has consumed my child, Lord Jesus. You could also blame it on the media Jew’s distribution of the nigger culture, but the nigger culture was all started by the nigger in the first place. Jews later, niggers first, I always say. Gentlemen, we have a nigger problem, It’s not just a problem either, it’s a fucking crisis. A crisis bigger than any of us can see and fight against. We used to have numbers of our people walking right in front of the White House. Now, everyone looks at us like we’re some kind of fucking joke and no one even fucking cares about us anymore. Rarely do any ancestors of ours decide to teach their children about the plights of our group and pass it along. In the future, there will be no legacy of the KKK. It will be barren. Gentlemen, it is my duty as Grand Wizard, that we must analyze and discuss solutions to solve the nigger problem. Do ANY of you have any solutions for the nigger problem? Any at all?” The Grand Wizard pressed his hands on the table, waiting for an answer. The room was clouded with silence, as the Grand Wizard stood waiting for an answer. The room didn’t react until a small, meek man with glasses in the traditional Klan clothing stood up:
“I think that it is uh...best to admit that, the uh, that, um, the nigger is bigger than us. Way, uh bigger. The biggest kind of bigger, but the stupidest kind in the form of the nigger. Now I say that to say that ummm...well, I don’t think we’re really being honest with ourselves here. We just haven’t really been comforted...with ummm, well, uh, saying this, but I think that ummm, it needs to be said. It’s that white culture is simply outdated. I, well, I think that white culture has been placed out in favor of the nigger’s. Nigger culture is dumber than white culture and I uh, think that’s because white culture favors uh, the valuing of life, uh, liberty, and uh freedoms, as well as uh, merit and ability while the uh, nigger’s, um, usually grapples with the concept of the uh, degeneracy and wanting more and more and more, and lack of humility. So since cultures and mindsets, um, evolve over time, I, I think it’s natural that we somehow morph the white culture in-into the same form as um, the-the nigger culture. I mean, it only makes sense that white culture takes the form of the nigger culture and not only that, but uhhhh, it becomes the new counterculture as the nigger culture once was to the white culture. Thus the white culture will soon become the dominant culture again even if it uh, has y’know, taken the form of the nigger’s culture. I think this is the uh, correct, uh, solution, so y’know, that’s where I would go with this. Yeah.” Silence takes the room again as the short man with the glasses finishes speaking. All look impressed and nod in agreement except for The Grand Wizard himself who questions the small man’s methods:
“So, you want to take our bread and blood and transform it into a similar derivative of nigger culture?”
“I guess so.”
“You guess so? So you want to lose all of the subtleties of white culture in exchange to degenerate into that of the nigger’s?”
“Well, I mean…”
“GET OUT OF HERE!” The short man with the glasses mopes out of the room with his head hanging down as he crept towards the front door of the cabin and walked outside.
“But I thin-,” and the member sitting closest to the front door immediately shut the door.
“Gentlemen, we cannot lose our dignity in this matter. This damn nigger problem is of utmost importance. If we’re going to solve the nigger problem, we must do it the white way. If we do it the nigger’s way, what would we even have left to live for? Anyone else has any bright ideas on how to deal with the nigger problem?” Silence clouded the room yet again until a skinny man with blonde hair that sat to the right of the Grand Wizard, diagonally, stood up holding a rolled-up blueprint.
“Gentlemen, I think this is a perfect time for me to speak my views on the nigger problem with a pitch of a new idea. An invention, perhaps. This is an idea that I’ve had for months, maybe even years. I remember thinking to myself one day at home on my couch: ‘Dang, isn’t there an easier, faster, and more foolproof way to lynch niggers?’ Well, it turns out there IS. I have the blueprint right here,” the skinny man, a fast-talking one as well, explained as he rolled out a large blueprint onto the table for others to see: “I introduce to you all to the Nigger-Lyncher 5000. That’s right. This surefire machine will lynch niggers like you’ve never seen before. No more would you have to worry about finding them, ambushing them, getting the rope on their neck, hanging them on the tree, no, no, no, no. That takes a lot of time and we don’t have a lot of time as it is. With this mechanical rope, you throw it on someone’s neck from a far distance, press the button, and WHAM! It chokes the nigger just like that. You don’t even need to lynch ‘em. You just choke ‘em. Simple, effective, and it kills ‘em just like that. All I ask for in return for this creation would be a combined investment from my peers. Say around, eh, five million dollars.”
“FIVE MILLION DOLLARS?!” yelled the Grand Wizard.
“I’m sure that’s a bit much, but I think that it’s an attain-” and the Grand Wizard grabbed the blueprint and ripped it into many pieces.
“GET OUT!” With that yell from the Grand Wizard, the skinny man ran out of the front door. The Grand Wizard then sat down on his throne and grabbed his red forehead and nodded disapprovingly: “I can’t believe that this chapter is reeking of such idiocy. I thought you were all smarter than this when it comes to important matters such as these. Shame on all of you. God help us, do any of you guys have any good ideas whatsoever?” The Grand Wizard spoke to the remaining 6 members. Yet again, no one stood with a proper answer, until a tall man, in fact, the tallest man in the room stood up.
“Actually, I have a great solution to the nigger problem. I think this solution is the most intelligent of them all and it’s proven to have worked for other occasions in the past. It’s simple, yet it doesn’t take too long. It’s effective, and I don’t think it requires any change to the execution of our ideas or any sort of gadgets,” the tall man stated in a calm manner. The tall man then sat down and reached his hand into his pocket under his hood pants and he took out a handgun. He then holds the gun near his head and he shoots himself with the singular bullet placed within and he swiftly lands onto the table, bleeding profusely.
