A Very Kiwi christmas! a story thread -

[The Joker]

Basically this is a thread for my beloved kiwis to help write a Christmas story one paragraph at a time.
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It was a cold Christmas eve at the cottage occupied by Jace Conners and his friend Eli. There was week old eggnog and a lovely tree set up amongst the chimeny, yet a problem arouse. Woult Santa be able to find them in such a remote location. "This gay" cried poor Jace. "How the hell is Santa gonna give Eki his xbox?"

 

[Surtur]

And as he sat there, stewing without cheer, how could he get him one in a way that was not queer? "I know what I will do!" he said with a glint in his eye. "I will go on the internet and get donations or die!"

 

[EI 903]

He wielded his Deagle, Lil' Cena, and a Dew. He Fact Zoned and gamed, ta-haad, and talked about game girls he'd screw. But the stream was invaded by Islams, Ivan, then the dastardly Ted the Jew. And ended most abruptly when with his mic he ran his monitor through. Who could help with hopes running so flat? So to his cell phone he ran and started screaming for Matt.

 

[Judge Holden]

As Jace bellowed into his phone, Eli stared at his captor's darkening face. He knew the foul designs his commander had on his body. He could sense the savage wolfkin lust coursing through the marine's soul. And he knew what his fate would be if he was unable to escape his bonds. He had known for many years jace's secret, forbidden lust for the quivering flesh of obese hairy stoners. It was a lust Jace himself refused to admit, but no matter how hard he tried to bury these urges, they would inevitably be unleashed the moment he sighted prey. Even now he cursed his own foolishness for falling asleep in the same room as jace. Shifting his weight on the chair he had been tied to, the coarse rope rubbing his naked body raw, he tried desperately to dislodge a hand so that he might untie himself, but alas, the ropes were tight enough to cut an inch into his flesh. But just as he begun to give up hope of ever escaping his torment, the door to the cottage burst open and in strode a man, or at least he thought it was a man. Even fatter than eli, and looking at least 20 years older, dressed in garish tie-died attire, his greasy long hair collected in two somehow obscene pigtails, and a dark red stain between his legs. As the figure's face turned to jace, it twisted in inhuman rage and the man shrieked the words "ILL BREAK YOU DEAD!!" and lunged at the commander....