Act like your avatar! - Aka the official RP

  • Despite what alcoholic retards are saying, there are no plans to shut down the Kiwi Farms.

Nauseated Courgi

It's an Ass-Fuck-Get-Fucked world out there
ADITLOW: - A day in the life of Wraith

Named one of my dog kobolds Denzel the other day. ... What? Can't a man in a black cloak mildly admire a man in a black cloak?
Anyway never name all your monsters, only the ones that you figure are going to be around for a while. You don't want 10,000 Denzels running around trying to act like the next big dungeonian kolboldian action star.
Gave the little dude some decent new armor and a weapon we scavenged off some dead "hero." Never just haphazardly give higher quality weapons to your troops too. Make them earn it. Trust me, it works. Anyway Denzel got all happy. You could see the smile on his face that he had something to cut things better with. Felt for him so I monogrammed his armor for him. "Big D." His eyed glowed with purpose and you could see the encouragement it brought to the other monsters in bin 4 that were ready to go out and slaughter the fools that try to take me down.
You even see piles of bubbling smile look encouraged? I have. That's how you live. You put yourself in the hearts of your monsters. You could even see an extra skip in the steps of the shambling zombies you toss out by the hundreds. When they use paralyze and poison attacks, they do it with vigor. They want that extra recognition too. God only knows how effective this would be if I allowed them online on kiwi with all the ratings. Don't ask me how creeping coins can use a computer. I've seen them do it. Took forever to get the search term, "Naked coin orgy" out of my browser.
Denzel? I met that guy at a bar once. How is he?
I fucking hate He-man
Now now, Skeletor not swearing. What would He-man think?


Made pure again from the hardest game on earth.
Denzel? I met that guy at a bar once. How is he?
You met a dog kobold in a bar named Denzel? ... Was he wearing glowing red Wraith brand underwear with no pants?

ADITLOW: - A day in the life of Wraith
I get asked about the day to day things a lot, living in a dungeon others created for me. One thing I get asked often is if I'm able to take a bath, a shower. Well, in some levels of the dungeon I have access to, there's no water to be found, only supplies you find off of dead 'heroes' and blood, lots and lots of blood. ... Don't get weird. I do not find the idea of bathing in the blood of my enemies attractive. Past that water canisters heroes bring with them is not enough for a full on bath or shower. So what do?
Ever heard of a Water Elemental?
I created a setup where there's a bathtub, and you dump three or four water elementals in one area and they just pour down all over you as you cleanse. Use a fire spell in the old days, or a fire elemental now and you have heated water. It works. Don't worry, I have soap. Level 3 in the dungeon is what it is with items shops, oddly, but they do sell various soaps. When you meet me, if I don't slay you in the dungeon, I'm usually as fresh a lilac bouquet.
Anyhow the water elementals go down into a catch and then are poured back up into their starting basin and repoured until I finish. Sometimes they don't like the soap and... day to day wear being washed off of me into their forms, but they take care of it.
Oh, and if you try this on your own, well, I only summon female elementals, both for the water and the fire to heat the water.
I have body wash, and shampoo, no less. ... Some of my monsters like it when I come out in my cloak and my hair smells like strawberries.
If you ever meet a female romanian gypsy that is really into strawberries and the manga Nana, be extremely careful and hold onto your wallet and your sanity. She's more evil than you can possibly think I am. Dangerous...
Anyhow when I bathe, I prefer a shower, but when I go in, *sighs* I have to take a rubber duck with me.
You see a while back while testing out random summons I made a party of Blank Stares and with them oddly I summoned a Wraith. No, it wasn't like looking into a mirror. Anyway I sent them out and they ended up in level 3. Pretty smart summons. They left the townspeople alone and went after groups of heroes in their safe environment. Only one of each groups came back together alive. They had loot, yes, but they seemed rather concerned about me. The Wraith got really close and just produced this rubber duck from its cloak. He wouldn't speak, but one of my other monsters told me, I forget who, that supposedly a magic rubber duckie keeps you from drowning. You can go swimming anywhere in the world to the deepest levels and not drown. I was impressed. I have spend months trying to find a way to upgrade or reward those two survivors, but to no avail.
With that every time I go shower, the Blank Stare is just there, waiting for me, holding the duck, waiting for me to take it into the shower with me. For now, I oblige.

The other warning I have for you is never have water elementals, especially female ones, get too heated. They turn to steam and it takes forever for them to reform. They're pissy for days after that happens. You never want to see a water elemental, especially a female one, pissed at anything. Some days I know what it's like having a wife and kids living around here.

Nauseated Courgi

It's an Ass-Fuck-Get-Fucked world out there
You met a dog kobold in a bar named Denzel? ... Was he wearing glowing red Wraith brand underwear with no pants?
That's the one. Told me you treat nice over there... and then he stole some money off of me. Didn't even know I had a wallet.
  • Thunk-Provoking
Reactions: Wraith


i am One of the Famous International GoodBOYS
True & Honest Fan
I guess I’m a little weird. I like to talk to trees and animals. That’s okay though; I have more fun than most kiwifarmers.
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Reactions: Hal


I like me some nice big boobs
Grab me by the pussy and suck off my titties, you dirty Nigger. Come on shove that large cock inside my cunt and make me cooooooommmmmmmm.


Made pure again from the hardest game on earth.

*background sounds of a local tavern in dungeon level 3*
Reporter Carlos Samuel Foster (CSF): "So for the recording, you're fine with me recording this?"
Wraith ninja, identified as "Macho": "Yeah no prob. I'm a ninja. I'm mot going to to spill something that would make the samurais hunt me down and force me to play Farmville and other facebooks games. Not again."
CSF: "What?"
Macho: "Nothing. Whatcha got, reporter- wait, just to make sure, you're a reporter and not a journalist, right?"
CSF: "Ye-yes sir. That is the truth."
Macho: "Good. Wouldn't have to need to critical hit that neck of yours in an open tavern. Journalists are the scum of the earth, even wannabe journalists."
CSF: "Well I see Wraith's summons take after him. Are all his monsters with similar tastes to him?"
Macho: "That information 'ill cost you extra. Wait where's the money, the 600 gold pieces?"
CSF: "Oh yes, right here." *audio picks up sounds of a bag with coins in it among the background sounds of the tavern*
Macho: "That'll do. I can't believe I almost forgot the money, and I'm a ninja. One more time and I go back to the JRPG torture room."
CSF: "Wait, what's the JRPG torture room?"
Macho: "Sometimes we get 'visitors' we don't want, or monsters misbehave, right? Well Master Wraith has inventive ways to punish them. One is locking them in a room with old 8-bit and 16-bit video games and telling them to level grind."
CSF: "That sounds tough."
Macho: "With nothing else to do. That's terror."
CSF: "Whoa, you said that kind of forcefully. By the way, how did you get the name Macho?"
Macho: "You only get a name if you've proven yourself for a while. You can even be a high level monster or summon but if you haven't pulled your weight it's still, 'hey you.' I've been Wraith for a long ass time and am leader of the ninjas, at least as far as you know how many we are."
CSF: "Is your band here?"
Macho: "Mingling. If you do something obtuse and go all journalist on me and I don't reach you in time, every direction you got a head choppin' coming. Now my time is valuable and you paid for it. What do you want to know- within reason?"
CSF: "Well, uh, tell me about Wraith. What's a good example of his character as to why he's the most famous mage that every group of heroes wants to humiliate and take down but can't?"
Macho: "You don't know what he's like?" *guffaws* "Well I guess the press on him hasn't been to thorough about his past, but he wasn't always this way. I'm not going into that. You do your own research. Hmm, something that would... I think I can tell you something that would give you an edge on what he's like, how dangerous he is and what his motivations are."
CSF: "I'm appreciative you're willing to speak on this issue. Do tell."
Macho: "All right, this was actually not too long ago. He brings us out in groups, three groups. He grumbles a lot about not being able to do more, but with a maximum of nine guys in a group, then you add, him, you got a lot of guys walking in a group causing hell, right?"
CSF: "I heard when he appears it's a cloud of violence."
Macho: "Only if you're on the bad side, then you end up as a pile of green goo. That's a story for another time, but I'll give you this one." [Macho takes a drink of his beer] "All right, we're out on the town as it were in level three."
CSF; "Aren't we in level 3 right now?"
Macho: "Yeah, but don't interrupt me. We're wandering around a residential area trying to avoid the groups of heroes and authorities and all that."
CSF: "Avoid? Was he scared? Tired? Injured?"
Macho: "Let me tell the story. You told me you were laid back, but overly excited."
CSF: "You have my attention."
Macho: "Right. Anyway we get to this one intersection. We can go forward, right or back the way we came. Boss just stops in the middle of the street and starts looking around slowly. Everybody got tense. it was us ninjas, the kobolds and clerics this time. I ain't gonna lie, the clerics will cave your skull in, but I'd rather have the wandering lords group with us. Much tougher. Much more armored and can do the healing techniques the clerics and priests can."
CSF: "Sounds handy."
Macho: "And when they hit you, it's multiple times harder. Don't, mess, with, wandering lords. Anyway it's us, the dogs and clerics. We wait for about a minute and the few of us in front acting as a wall for boss notes his eyes, they got really angry. He then led us to the right."
CSF: "Did he sense heroes?"
Macho: "Let me tell the story, man. You're payin' for this, enjoy the ambiance. Hold on. Waitress! More of these Hot Dog Poppers, 'kay?"
*audio denotes waitress in the background assenting to the order*
Macho: "You know there's some green slime that can't have stuff like this? How do they live?"
CSF: "One day at a time, I suppose. Please continue."
Macho: "So we head down this area of the dungeon and he takes a right. We had traveled a while, so we're getting confused as to where we're heading. We go about a quarter mile and he makes another right, and after a while makes one more right."
CSF: "I complete square."
Macho: "Rectangle, square, squaresoft, who cares? Anyway we're in the area we were before, and we find ourselves at the intersection where boss was feelin' somethin' out. We asked him what's up. Are we gonna ambush somebody or something?"
CSF: "Was there anybody?"
Macho: "Not at first, but 'member this was a residential area and it was the middle of the day, and some people came out from moment to moment wanting to take care of stuff. Seeing us made them really scared and they hid back inside."
CSF: "I don't remember a report of activity like this in the news."
Macho: "You'll know why in a moment. Anyway we waiting at that same intersection for about five minutes, and boss went right again. Everyone is giving each other weird looks like something's up. It takes us a while, but he leads us in the same pattern again and we make it to the same intersection a third time."
CSF: "He was avoiding something."
Macho: "We didn't think so. This was the type of behavior you do when you're lookin' for trouble and wanting a fight so your boys get experience. And that's just what happened. I guess the residents of the area started calling for help, and soon groups of 'heroes' started showing up trying not-too-subtly to find a way to take us by surprise. It didn't happen. Combat, lots of it. But you ain't gonna believe what happened next."
CSF: "No clue. What?"
Macho: "Boss took us in the same direction again! And after bustin about 30-40 heroes in small groups, you could see all the walkin' and fightin' was taking a toll on him. His gait was off. Boss was injured and he wasn't askin' for healing techniques."
CSF: "Aren't they called spells? Also how badly was he hurt?"
Macho: "Boss will tell you he doesn't like the word spells and privately the word magic. Something about something... I don't know. So techs it is. And yes he was hurt. We just didn't know how bad. Anyway we keep going- hold on. ... hey babe, thanks for the food. Maybe a bit later I can show you why my nickname is Critical Hit. ... ... Hurmph."
CSF: "I have never seen a woman's face contort to that level of disbelief before. Maybe it's the hat."
Macho: "Hey, boss gave me this hat. Said it went with the name. Something about a good guy wrestler from years ago or something. Anyway you want me to continue? Sheesh, these are good. Who can't eat hot dogs? What kind of loser-?"
CSF: "Please finish the story."
Macho: "Your dime. Anyway we went around the same block a fourth time, then a fifth time. More heroes came out of the woodwork and the areas was starting to look like a charnel house. And boss was looking even worse for wear. Well during the sixth time nobody noticed, but one of the guys went missing, one of the dogs."
CSF: "Dogs, you mean those kobold things?"
Macho: "Don't call them things or you're gonna end up with your severed head in your lap." [Macho pounded his chest at this moment proudly] "Yeah they ain't ninja or samurai or lords and stuff, but they're boys, our boys and you don't mess with them. Got it?"
CSF: "Yes sir. I'm sorry, please continue."
Macho; "All right! So on our sixth trip boss was really movin' slow. I mean you can tell he was low on juice. We fought a few more heroes, but I guess word got out we were too pumped to be makin' an attempt at the old assassination today. That last trip was about twice as long minus the combat as the first one. So... so we get around the corner leading to that one intersection and there's our missing boy. It was Denzel."
CSF: "Who's Denzel?"
Macho: "Leader of the dogs. Good guy. Highest level dog kobold I've ever heard of. He maybe short, but he'll remove that breathing problem you got in a damn hurry. So... so he was just standing there, already waiting for us at the intersection. Boss slowed to a stop before getting there, then slowly approached. He looked down at the little guy and only a few of us saw Denzel motion with his head to this one house at the corner of the intersection. Boss and about five of us looked and there was this one window with plants in the window. Boss don't like plants too much."
CSF: "Is there a story behind that?"
Macho: "That's a purchase for another time. Anyway two hands pop up from the darkness, remove the plants and dropped something in the windowsill."
CSF: "What was it?"
Macho: "Cat."
CSF: "Cat monster?"
Macho: "House cat."
[audio is silent except for the background noise of the tavern for 8.53 seconds]
CSF: "A cat?"
Macho: "I don't stutter and I don't have Tourettes. It was a cat. Only three of us saw it, but those shining red eyes... softened."
CSF: "What kind of cat was it?"
Macho: "Gray. Don't know much about cats. I can say it didn't have one of those smushed in faces. It was just a gray cat."
CSF: "... Then what happened?"
Macho: "Saw him take a heavy breath, and then we went on... in direction we hadn't gone before. We were heading home."
CSF: "Really?"
Macho: "We get home, and you can tell boss is hurtin' with each step. Clerics, priests, lords followed him and tried to implore him to take a healing technique. He disappeared into his room for about an hour. ... He comes out. He finds Denzel and leads him to the dining room and motions for him to sit down. Now this part I'm telling you one of the lords saw, I wasn't there. Anyway Denzel sat down at boss's private dining room table looking a bit worried. Boss was still shambling a bit from pain. he went into one of the refrigerators and got out a container of ice cream."
CSF: "Ice cream? Wait, you have refrigeration down there?"
Macho: "Getting electricity was a bitch. I was there for that. On top of that do you know how hard it is to move appliances like that without the proper moving equipment? Not a fun day, but that's done. Anyway boss goes to one of the drawers, pulls out a spoon and places it on the table with the ice cream."
CSF: "Okay..."
Macho: "Mint chocolate chip too. He pat Denzel on the head and tussled his fur a bit and walked off. Little dog wouldn't even share any with us. That's it. There's your story."
[audio is silent for another 35.8 seconds]
CSF: "I think- I think this'll do."
Macho: "Worth the price of admission?"
CSF: "What do you think?"
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