Let me help some of you inspiring summoners / tech mages out about monsters. You see, after a while you get to have an appreciation for the more intelligent monsters, the ones that respond to you and do what you will. You reward them. You get to- treasure them, and don't want to see them die by some loud ass level 15 fighter with a badge and a blue shield. FFS.
So having them around you put an investment in them, and you find ways to improve them on the regular, those that deserve it. The problem is that intelligent monsters tend to have... a soul, and things get weird after a while. So here's 13 ways laundry day becomes more interesting with your summoned monsters. These are things they never tell you about in the summoning books. Why 13? Because jews hate Jesus and His disciples, so there. [Angry tongue sticking out mage emoticon in black and red]
1. Succubi, kobolds and oddly creeping coins love fresh laundry straight out of the drier. I didn't even know coins had nerve endings.
2. Bubbling slimes loves freshly dried towels too, but this is dangerous. Get one on a towel and the towel is useless. (Worse than removing magic tech powered Velcro.)
3. Don't let the succs trick you with the warm clothes to cuddle. one things leads to another and... yeah. FOOL ME FOURTEEN TIMES, SUCCS, BUT NOT AGAIN!
4. If you have really big washing machines, always go item by item as you put them in the washer. Sometimes you find roaming fox girls stuck in the laundry for some reason. (Odd they never seem to drown even after the spin cycle. Always left with 1 HP. I think someone's cheating the system. At least the wet fox fur smells better with all the detergent.)
5. Same as 4, check your laundry for bubbling slimes and creeping coins. The coins will bang loudly against the side of the washer and if they're big enough damage the thing. Bubbling slimes tend to get washed away in the spin cycle and there goes your pipes. They are never going to tell you this, but a bubbling slime stuck in your pipes when winter comes along freezes, and pipes burst. Not fun.
6. If you find your socks going missing, always check your succs first. On more than one occasion they will try to bargain disgusting things like holding hands in public or whatever if they "find" your socks. Always have a hamper with your socks secured. Succs aren't good lock pickers. However they might make a deal with gremlins if they pay well enough.
7. Make a big deal about taking your kobold's stuffed animals and washing them with care, even to staying in the laundry room with them and watching them get clean. They get attached to the things rather quickly. This is true for dog kobolds, not so much the reptilian kind. And always use a second dose of fabric softener just for them. I know it's weird, but sometimes they will sneak one out when they go battle, and there is nothing like a group of "heroes" smelling a lilac bouquet moments before they become splattered across all four walls of the dungeon. Free turn of confusion by smell!
8. Ninjas must be constantly reminded to wear not only clean underwear, but to wear any underwear. They find it binding. Because of their athletic endeavors sometimes they have lots of close calls and take heavy damage, so whatever you do, don't humiliate them if you find brown or green or blue streaks in their draws. (The brown and green I understand, but I still can't track down what they're eating to make blue streaks. Are they eating jewish satanic national flags or smurfs or something?)
9. If you have a creeping coin that has done exceptionally well, don't feel bad in giving them a tiny little cape to help their evasion stat. Wash that cape just like everything else. It's odd, but you can inspire killer money to work for you harder. It takes money to make money. [Wraith emoticon sticking his tongue out at you]
10. Now this next one I actually learned years ago from Donald Trump of all people, before he become president. Some people try to sell used cars, but they don't give it a thorough once over and wash it and make it look as presentable as possible. Your resale value can really go up if something looks really well taken care of, even if it has a lot of miles on it.
So my suggestion is when you get a lot of cloth based equipment with splattered blood and guts from heroes on them, wash them thoroughly, several times if you have to. You might find it a chore, but you also have summons to help, those intelligent enough to handle laundry. When you resell that stock armor for a higher cost and are able to buy more fig bars, garlic bread and energy drinks with it, you'll thank me then.
11. Using water elementals for the washer isn't a good idea. Sure they can help in the shower, and even in some careful ways washing the dishes, but they can get dizzy too. And having a water elemental throwing up for half an hour because of a rough washing session isn't fun for anybody.
12. What do you do if your washer or drier breaks down? My suggestion isn't repairs right away. Determine through your gremlins if the repairs are easy and cheap. If they aren't, you're a summoner. What way to torment female heroes than having roaming bands of washers, driers and even dish washers in groups chasing after them in the dungeon corridors. It's hilarious as well. I'll bet that brand new cheap 25 gold long sword of yours with your female STR stat is really going to do a lot of HP damage against that metal, especially when you drape it in left over metal armor to boot. [Insert b-grade horror movie ideas here]
You can really get creative with this one.
13. It's a really good idea to plan to lock up your dungeon and disguise it after you do blanket washing day so no one bothers you all. With all those warm blankets and also sheets, you'll have scores of monsters that just want to cuddle up and sleep or watch funny cat videos or videos of heroes getting chopped to pieces on Mage Tube or something. Bake some cookies on those days. (Yes, you have to make some for the creeping coins too. They don't eat them. they just don't want to be left out.) Bring out the beverages of your choices and just enjoy the warm moments in winter. Maybe, really late at night, you'll hear your more disposable monsters just outside down in level 3 relieving your enemies of that nasty breathing problem they're trying to kick. You can tighten your warm blankie around yourself, and have a nice night for once gripping a hot cup of hot chocolate.
So having them around you put an investment in them, and you find ways to improve them on the regular, those that deserve it. The problem is that intelligent monsters tend to have... a soul, and things get weird after a while. So here's 13 ways laundry day becomes more interesting with your summoned monsters. These are things they never tell you about in the summoning books. Why 13? Because jews hate Jesus and His disciples, so there. [Angry tongue sticking out mage emoticon in black and red]
1. Succubi, kobolds and oddly creeping coins love fresh laundry straight out of the drier. I didn't even know coins had nerve endings.
2. Bubbling slimes loves freshly dried towels too, but this is dangerous. Get one on a towel and the towel is useless. (Worse than removing magic tech powered Velcro.)
3. Don't let the succs trick you with the warm clothes to cuddle. one things leads to another and... yeah. FOOL ME FOURTEEN TIMES, SUCCS, BUT NOT AGAIN!
4. If you have really big washing machines, always go item by item as you put them in the washer. Sometimes you find roaming fox girls stuck in the laundry for some reason. (Odd they never seem to drown even after the spin cycle. Always left with 1 HP. I think someone's cheating the system. At least the wet fox fur smells better with all the detergent.)
5. Same as 4, check your laundry for bubbling slimes and creeping coins. The coins will bang loudly against the side of the washer and if they're big enough damage the thing. Bubbling slimes tend to get washed away in the spin cycle and there goes your pipes. They are never going to tell you this, but a bubbling slime stuck in your pipes when winter comes along freezes, and pipes burst. Not fun.
6. If you find your socks going missing, always check your succs first. On more than one occasion they will try to bargain disgusting things like holding hands in public or whatever if they "find" your socks. Always have a hamper with your socks secured. Succs aren't good lock pickers. However they might make a deal with gremlins if they pay well enough.
7. Make a big deal about taking your kobold's stuffed animals and washing them with care, even to staying in the laundry room with them and watching them get clean. They get attached to the things rather quickly. This is true for dog kobolds, not so much the reptilian kind. And always use a second dose of fabric softener just for them. I know it's weird, but sometimes they will sneak one out when they go battle, and there is nothing like a group of "heroes" smelling a lilac bouquet moments before they become splattered across all four walls of the dungeon. Free turn of confusion by smell!
8. Ninjas must be constantly reminded to wear not only clean underwear, but to wear any underwear. They find it binding. Because of their athletic endeavors sometimes they have lots of close calls and take heavy damage, so whatever you do, don't humiliate them if you find brown or green or blue streaks in their draws. (The brown and green I understand, but I still can't track down what they're eating to make blue streaks. Are they eating jewish satanic national flags or smurfs or something?)
9. If you have a creeping coin that has done exceptionally well, don't feel bad in giving them a tiny little cape to help their evasion stat. Wash that cape just like everything else. It's odd, but you can inspire killer money to work for you harder. It takes money to make money. [Wraith emoticon sticking his tongue out at you]
10. Now this next one I actually learned years ago from Donald Trump of all people, before he become president. Some people try to sell used cars, but they don't give it a thorough once over and wash it and make it look as presentable as possible. Your resale value can really go up if something looks really well taken care of, even if it has a lot of miles on it.
So my suggestion is when you get a lot of cloth based equipment with splattered blood and guts from heroes on them, wash them thoroughly, several times if you have to. You might find it a chore, but you also have summons to help, those intelligent enough to handle laundry. When you resell that stock armor for a higher cost and are able to buy more fig bars, garlic bread and energy drinks with it, you'll thank me then.
11. Using water elementals for the washer isn't a good idea. Sure they can help in the shower, and even in some careful ways washing the dishes, but they can get dizzy too. And having a water elemental throwing up for half an hour because of a rough washing session isn't fun for anybody.
12. What do you do if your washer or drier breaks down? My suggestion isn't repairs right away. Determine through your gremlins if the repairs are easy and cheap. If they aren't, you're a summoner. What way to torment female heroes than having roaming bands of washers, driers and even dish washers in groups chasing after them in the dungeon corridors. It's hilarious as well. I'll bet that brand new cheap 25 gold long sword of yours with your female STR stat is really going to do a lot of HP damage against that metal, especially when you drape it in left over metal armor to boot. [Insert b-grade horror movie ideas here]
You can really get creative with this one.
13. It's a really good idea to plan to lock up your dungeon and disguise it after you do blanket washing day so no one bothers you all. With all those warm blankets and also sheets, you'll have scores of monsters that just want to cuddle up and sleep or watch funny cat videos or videos of heroes getting chopped to pieces on Mage Tube or something. Bake some cookies on those days. (Yes, you have to make some for the creeping coins too. They don't eat them. they just don't want to be left out.) Bring out the beverages of your choices and just enjoy the warm moments in winter. Maybe, really late at night, you'll hear your more disposable monsters just outside down in level 3 relieving your enemies of that nasty breathing problem they're trying to kick. You can tighten your warm blankie around yourself, and have a nice night for once gripping a hot cup of hot chocolate.
