Kiwi Farms

Let’s start with a status update on some of our more endangered cows or cow relatives.

Ashley Isaacs? Not dead yet. She continues to survive on a diet of nothing but the souls of other girls with anorexia.

Tammy Slaton? She okay.

Luna Slater? Her inevitable death by overdose has yet to happen.

Papa Wilcher? Hasn’t had another heart attack yet, but when he does, there will be funeral selfies.

The Hartley meat puppets? Gone to the great puppetry in the sky.

Jahi McMath? Graduated to Full-Dead.

Lainey? Hasn’t committed suicide yet, but when she does, expect Onision to use that shit to get more YouTube views.

ALR has cancer. Her death could happen sooner rather than later.

Chantal has the beetus and needs a walker. We may get at least an amputation out of her before she shuffles off this mortal coil. Or rolls, anyway.