Are you a Lolcow? Take the quiz! -

Prophetic Spirit

Dumb of Dojima at its finest
kiwifarms.net
First Page: 33
Well, i skipped the 3rd question because i'm not interesed in fandom shit and i never will.
8th Page: 26
Git gud, lmao.
24th page: 47
Well, at least isn't worse.
 
Last edited:

Balion

kiwifarms.net
I think it could use some updating for 2018:

Kinder in some ways, crueller in others. I tried to make sure every category has a zero option as well.

EDIT: I made it a bit too easy- this should balance it out a bit

1. What is your age range?
-A: <16 (5)
-B: 17-23 (0)
-C: 24-30 (2)
-D: 31-35 (3)
-E: >35 (5)
-F: Depends who in our system is fronting (10)

2. What is your gender?
-A: Male (0)
-B: Female (0)
-C: Trans (5)
-D: YOU LITERALLY MURDER ME BY MISGENDERING ME, CIS SCUM (15)

3. What fandoms do you belong to? Add all that apply.
-Sonic the Hedgehog (15)
-Naruto (5)
-Superwholock (7)
-Final Fantasy (5)
-Pokemon (5)
-Homestuck (7)
-Avatar/Korra (5)
-Other anime (5)
-Star Trek (4)
-Star Wars (4)
-Undertale (15)
-Overwatch (5)
-Harry Potter (5)
-Other Sci-Fi (5)/ Video Game (5) / Comic (7, 14 if SJW comic like Assigned Male)
-Being really into something but not necessarily to "fandom" levels (trains, fantasy sports, audio equipment, etc)... add 2 for each one to a maximum of (10) total for this category

4. What is your sexuality?
-A: Heterosexual (0)
-B: Homosexual (0)
-C: Bisexual (0)
-D: Asexual (5)
-E: Pansexual (10)
-F: Anything that requires more than 1 word to describe (15)

5. What is your relationship status?
-A: Single (0)
-B: In an exclusive relationship (0)
-C: In an open/poly relationship (5)
-D: In a relationship in another fictive universe (10)
-E: Married (0)

6. Do you have any sexual fetishes?
- A: No, or if I did I wouldn't tell you (0)
- B: Yes, and I will tell them to you only if you ask (3)
- C: Yes, and I'm open about them (7)
- D: Yes, and I will tell you in excruciating detail... wait up, where are you going? I just want to suck your toes! (10)
-E: I live my fetish 24/7... brb Master is whistling for me (15)

7. What is your level of artistic skill?
-A: I don't do art. (0)
-B: Terrible, and I know it's terrible (3)
-C: Alright, always open to improvement (2 if it's fanart or fandom OCs)
-D: It's amazing but baka gaijins hate it cuz they're stupid (7)
-E: I'm always working to improve my craft- that award on Concept Art is a place to start, not finish (0)
-F: The way it looks isn't important, my art is a vehicle for social justice (10)


8. Are you outspoken in your religious beliefs (including atheism)?
-A: No, it's personal (0)
-B: I'm open about it, but I won't push it on others (2)
-C: Have you heard the good news? (5)
-D: My religion/philosophy is my guiding principle in life, and I do not consort with those outside of it (10)
-E: This question is ABSOLUTELY HARAM! ALLAHU AKBAR! (15)

9. Where are you on the political spectrum?
Double your score if you identify as a libertarian or socialist, triple if transhumanist or ancap, quadruple it if you identify as a neoreactionary or communist

-A: I don't give a shit. (2)
-B: I keep informed, I'm a liberal/centrist/conservative but I don't like discussing it all the time and in front of everybody (0)
-C: I'm a liberal/centrist/conservative and I'll engage in some debate, but I keep it civil (2)
-D: I'm a staunch liberal/centrist/conservative... and my feeds will show it (4)
-E: I'm a hardcore liberal/conservative and you will be blocked if your views are problematic/degenerate (7)
-F: I take to the streets. For God - Emperor Trump/ Good Night, Alt Right! (10)

10. Are you a furry?
-A: Yes (10)
-B: No (0)
-C: I like goofy anthro animals but not sexually nor do I own a fursuit (5)
-D: I create/consume furry porn and/or yiff (15)

11. Are you otherkin?
-A: Yes (10)
-B: No (0)

12. How anger prone are you?
-A: I have a hair trigger... THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! (10)
-B: I frustrate easily (6)
-C: I sometimes get annoyed (3)
-D: I'm fairly mellow (0)

13. Do you show this on the Internet?
-A: I try not to (-3)
-B: All the time! (0)

14. Do you use strong language?
-A: FUCKPISSSHITCUNTCOCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERTITS (10)
-B: Damn straight! (0)
-C: I try not to/ I don't (0)
-D: When you swear, Jesus cries (5)
-E: Mistah, you're not thupposed to thwear awound wittles! Imma tell Daddy! (15)

15. Are you a virgin?
-A: Yes (5)
-B: No (0)
-C: WITH RAGE (7)
-D: I'm an incel /MGTOW (automatic round up to lolcow or next category)


16. If you answered "Yes" to the above, why?
-A: Haven't found the right one (-3)
-B: Because Western women are all bitches and whores (10)
-C: Religious reasons (0)
-D: I answered no (0)

17. Are you autistic or do you have a diagnosed mental disorder?
-A: Yes, but I'm medically diagnosed and participating in treatment (0)
-B: Yes, but I'm medically diagnosed and not participating in treatment (3)
-C: No (0)
-D: I'm self diagnosed (7)
-E: Mental illness is a Jewish NWO conspiracy to silence freeze peach (10)


18. What is your housing situation?
-A: Living with parents (5) (0 if under 18, 10 if >30)
-B: Living with roommates (0 if in college, 2 if <30, 5 if >30)
-C: Living alone or with significant other/ family you started (0)
-D: Homeless and bumming off Wifi (5)
-E: I live in a collective/commune (7)
-F: I live with Eden Belmont (15)

19. What is your employment status?
-A: Unemployed and on a tugboat (10)
-B: Unemployed and looking/laid off (5)
-C: Part-time (1)
-D: Full-time (0)
-E: Student (1)

20. What is the highest level of education you completed?
Unaccredited post-secondary education gets (3) for each degree

-A: High school dropout (10)
-B: High school diploma (5)
-C: Community College/Associates' Degree (0)
-D: Bachelor's Degree (0)
-E: Master's degree or higher (0)

21: Do you have an article dedicated to you on Encyclopedia Dramatica?
-A: Yes (10)
-B: No (0)

22: How often do you use Tumblr?
Add (3) for every Tumblr account you have in addition to your first one
-A: Never (0)
-B: I use it for business, as in a legit one I file a tax return for (0)
-C: Rarely, just to keep up with and like my friends' stuff (2)
-D: Occasionally (3)
-E: Often (5)
-F: Tumblr is life (10)

23: Bro, do you even lift/exercise/play sports?
-A: Hell yeah! (0)
-B: Nah brah (3)
-C: Got a whole blog to show how swole I am (5)
-D: I believe in health at any size (7)

24: You had a really shitty day. Your first instinct is to:
-A: Keep it to yourself (0)
-B: Talk to your IRL friends in private (0)
-C: Talk to your friends in public (3)
-D: Blog/vlog about it (5)
-E: RP about it on Deviantart *glomps u uwu* (7)

25: How many plastic or plush trinkets have you acquired after the age of 12?
-A: None, or got them as gifts (0)
-B: 5 or fewer (2)
-C: 6-10(3)
-D: 11-20 (5)
-E: I lost count (7)

26: How many hours a week do you spend playing vidya:
Add (3) if you are on an esports team or double your score in this category if you are a speedrunner
-A: None (0)
-B: 1-5 (1)
-C: 6-10 (3)
-D: 11-24 (5)
-E: 25+ (7)

27: Rapid Fire Round 1: Venial Sins
You score (2) for each in this category

-Paid real money for a forum account
-Own a sword (0 if you're in the military and it's part of your uniform, 4 if it's a katana)
-Wrote/drew a fanfic
-Wrote /drew a self insert character into said fanfic
-Purchased and read YA fiction as an adult
-Turned down a social invite to binge on TV/vidya
-Have a Deviantart account

27: Rapid Fire Round 2: Mortal Sins
You score (5) for each in this category

-Have an account on a porn site
-Shared porn on social media
-Been arrested for public indecency
-Have an F-List account
-Own a MAGA hat or a pussy hat
-Donated to a lolcow or rat king on Patreon
-Have unironically posted SJW memes on social media
-Have had a cybersex RP session. (10 if you did so over the age of 20)
-Are on a paleo diet or some other one you can't shut up about
-Written shipping/slashfic
-Sued a celebrity

28: Rapid Fire Round 3: Redemption
Subtract 3 points for each of the following:

-You're a homeowner
- You have an article published in a scientific journal
-Your hobbies have made you legitimate income (through selling goods or services rather than e-begging)
-You have a registered patent
-If in 5 or more categories you would have scored points 2 years ago but would now score zero.

BONUS ROUND: Personal Hygiene
I bathe every:
-A: Day or twice a day if I need to (0)
-B: Once every 2-3 days (5)
-C: Once a week (10)
-D: Tommy Tooter thinks I smell bad (20)
-E: I bathe compulsively (3)



SCORING:
0-9: Bullshit. Take it again and be honest this time. If you were this normal, you wouldn't know what Kiwi Farms is.
10-25: NORP. Normal, ordinary, reasonable person. Decidedly NOT a lolcow.
26-39: Eccentric. Kind of an oddball, but okay in spite of (or maybe because of) your weirdness.
40-54: Decidedly weird. You probably overshare too. Still, there's hope for you yet.
55-70: Laughing stock. Not too noteworthy, but enjoyable to point and laugh at.
71-132: Lolcow. You will be mocked, and you will deserve it.
132+ : BITCH, ARE YOU FOR REAL?! Time for you to have a wiki dedicated to you!
1st page: 10
24th page: 9
 

Ch@nnel-Sh!ft

kiwifarms.net
I think it could use some updating for 2018:

Kinder in some ways, crueller in others. I tried to make sure every category has a zero option as well.

EDIT: I made it a bit too easy- this should balance it out a bit

1. What is your age range?
-A: <16 (5)
-B: 17-23 (0)
-C: 24-30 (2)
-D: 31-35 (3)
-E: >35 (5)
-F: Depends who in our system is fronting (10)

2. What is your gender?
-A: Male (0)
-B: Female (0)
-C: Trans (5)
-D: YOU LITERALLY MURDER ME BY MISGENDERING ME, CIS SCUM (15)

3. What fandoms do you belong to? Add all that apply.
-Sonic the Hedgehog (15)
-Naruto (5)
-Superwholock (7)
-Final Fantasy (5)
-Pokemon (5)
-Homestuck (7)
-Avatar/Korra (5)
-Other anime (5)
-Star Trek (4)
-Star Wars (4)
-Undertale (15)
-Overwatch (5)
-Harry Potter (5)
-Other Sci-Fi (5)/ Video Game (5) / Comic (7, 14 if SJW comic like Assigned Male)
-Being really into something but not necessarily to "fandom" levels (trains, fantasy sports, audio equipment, etc)... add 2 for each one to a maximum of (10) total for this category

4. What is your sexuality?
-A: Heterosexual (0)
-B: Homosexual (0)
-C: Bisexual (0)
-D: Asexual (5)
-E: Pansexual (10)
-F: Anything that requires more than 1 word to describe (15)

5. What is your relationship status?
-A: Single (0)
-B: In an exclusive relationship (0)
-C: In an open/poly relationship (5)
-D: In a relationship in another fictive universe (10)
-E: Married (0)

6. Do you have any sexual fetishes?
- A: No, or if I did I wouldn't tell you (0)
- B: Yes, and I will tell them to you only if you ask (3)
- C: Yes, and I'm open about them (7)
- D: Yes, and I will tell you in excruciating detail... wait up, where are you going? I just want to suck your toes! (10)
-E: I live my fetish 24/7... brb Master is whistling for me (15)

7. What is your level of artistic skill?
-A: I don't do art. (0)
-B: Terrible, and I know it's terrible (3)
-C: Alright, always open to improvement (2 if it's fanart or fandom OCs)
-D: It's amazing but baka gaijins hate it cuz they're stupid (7)
-E: I'm always working to improve my craft- that award on Concept Art is a place to start, not finish (0)
-F: The way it looks isn't important, my art is a vehicle for social justice (10)


8. Are you outspoken in your religious beliefs (including atheism)?
-A: No, it's personal (0)
-B: I'm open about it, but I won't push it on others (2)
-C: Have you heard the good news? (5)
-D: My religion/philosophy is my guiding principle in life, and I do not consort with those outside of it (10)
-E: This question is ABSOLUTELY HARAM! ALLAHU AKBAR! (15)

9. Where are you on the political spectrum?
Double your score if you identify as a libertarian or socialist, triple if transhumanist or ancap, quadruple it if you identify as a neoreactionary or communist

-A: I don't give a shit. (2)
-B: I keep informed, I'm a liberal/centrist/conservative but I don't like discussing it all the time and in front of everybody (0)
-C: I'm a liberal/centrist/conservative and I'll engage in some debate, but I keep it civil (2)
-D: I'm a staunch liberal/centrist/conservative... and my feeds will show it (4)
-E: I'm a hardcore liberal/conservative and you will be blocked if your views are problematic/degenerate (7)
-F: I take to the streets. For God - Emperor Trump/ Good Night, Alt Right! (10)

10. Are you a furry?
-A: Yes (10)
-B: No (0)
-C: I like goofy anthro animals but not sexually nor do I own a fursuit (5)
-D: I create/consume furry porn and/or yiff (15)

11. Are you otherkin?
-A: Yes (10)
-B: No (0)

12. How anger prone are you?
-A: I have a hair trigger... THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! (10)
-B: I frustrate easily (6)
-C: I sometimes get annoyed (3)
-D: I'm fairly mellow (0)

13. Do you show this on the Internet?
-A: I try not to (-3)
-B: All the time! (0)

14. Do you use strong language?
-A: FUCKPISSSHITCUNTCOCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERTITS (10)
-B: Damn straight! (0)
-C: I try not to/ I don't (0)
-D: When you swear, Jesus cries (5)
-E: Mistah, you're not thupposed to thwear awound wittles! Imma tell Daddy! (15)

15. Are you a virgin?
-A: Yes (5)
-B: No (0)
-C: WITH RAGE (7)
-D: I'm an incel /MGTOW (automatic round up to lolcow or next category)


16. If you answered "Yes" to the above, why?
-A: Haven't found the right one (-3)
-B: Because Western women are all bitches and whores (10)
-C: Religious reasons (0)
-D: I answered no (0)

17. Are you autistic or do you have a diagnosed mental disorder?
-A: Yes, but I'm medically diagnosed and participating in treatment (0)
-B: Yes, but I'm medically diagnosed and not participating in treatment (3)
-C: No (0)
-D: I'm self diagnosed (7)
-E: Mental illness is a Jewish NWO conspiracy to silence freeze peach (10)


18. What is your housing situation?
-A: Living with parents (5) (0 if under 18, 10 if >30)
-B: Living with roommates (0 if in college, 2 if <30, 5 if >30)
-C: Living alone or with significant other/ family you started (0)
-D: Homeless and bumming off Wifi (5)
-E: I live in a collective/commune (7)
-F: I live with Eden Belmont (15)

19. What is your employment status?
-A: Unemployed and on a tugboat (10)
-B: Unemployed and looking/laid off (5)
-C: Part-time (1)
-D: Full-time (0)
-E: Student (1)

20. What is the highest level of education you completed?
Unaccredited post-secondary education gets (3) for each degree

-A: High school dropout (10)
-B: High school diploma (5)
-C: Community College/Associates' Degree (0)
-D: Bachelor's Degree (0)
-E: Master's degree or higher (0)

21: Do you have an article dedicated to you on Encyclopedia Dramatica?
-A: Yes (10)
-B: No (0)

22: How often do you use Tumblr?
Add (3) for every Tumblr account you have in addition to your first one
-A: Never (0)
-B: I use it for business, as in a legit one I file a tax return for (0)
-C: Rarely, just to keep up with and like my friends' stuff (2)
-D: Occasionally (3)
-E: Often (5)
-F: Tumblr is life (10)

23: Bro, do you even lift/exercise/play sports?
-A: Hell yeah! (0)
-B: Nah brah (3)
-C: Got a whole blog to show how swole I am (5)
-D: I believe in health at any size (7)

24: You had a really shitty day. Your first instinct is to:
-A: Keep it to yourself (0)
-B: Talk to your IRL friends in private (0)
-C: Talk to your friends in public (3)
-D: Blog/vlog about it (5)
-E: RP about it on Deviantart *glomps u uwu* (7)

25: How many plastic or plush trinkets have you acquired after the age of 12?
-A: None, or got them as gifts (0)
-B: 5 or fewer (2)
-C: 6-10(3)
-D: 11-20 (5)
-E: I lost count (7)

26: How many hours a week do you spend playing vidya:
Add (3) if you are on an esports team or double your score in this category if you are a speedrunner
-A: None (0)
-B: 1-5 (1)
-C: 6-10 (3)
-D: 11-24 (5)
-E: 25+ (7)

27: Rapid Fire Round 1: Venial Sins
You score (2) for each in this category

-Paid real money for a forum account
-Own a sword (0 if you're in the military and it's part of your uniform, 4 if it's a katana)
-Wrote/drew a fanfic
-Wrote /drew a self insert character into said fanfic
-Purchased and read YA fiction as an adult
-Turned down a social invite to binge on TV/vidya
-Have a Deviantart account

27: Rapid Fire Round 2: Mortal Sins
You score (5) for each in this category

-Have an account on a porn site
-Shared porn on social media
-Been arrested for public indecency
-Have an F-List account
-Own a MAGA hat or a pussy hat
-Donated to a lolcow or rat king on Patreon
-Have unironically posted SJW memes on social media
-Have had a cybersex RP session. (10 if you did so over the age of 20)
-Are on a paleo diet or some other one you can't shut up about
-Written shipping/slashfic
-Sued a celebrity

28: Rapid Fire Round 3: Redemption
Subtract 3 points for each of the following:

-You're a homeowner
- You have an article published in a scientific journal
-Your hobbies have made you legitimate income (through selling goods or services rather than e-begging)
-You have a registered patent
-If in 5 or more categories you would have scored points 2 years ago but would now score zero.

BONUS ROUND: Personal Hygiene
I bathe every:
-A: Day or twice a day if I need to (0)
-B: Once every 2-3 days (5)
-C: Once a week (10)
-D: Tommy Tooter thinks I smell bad (20)
-E: I bathe compulsively (3)



SCORING:
0-9: Bullshit. Take it again and be honest this time. If you were this normal, you wouldn't know what Kiwi Farms is.
10-25: NORP. Normal, ordinary, reasonable person. Decidedly NOT a lolcow.
26-39: Eccentric. Kind of an oddball, but okay in spite of (or maybe because of) your weirdness.
40-54: Decidedly weird. You probably overshare too. Still, there's hope for you yet.
55-70: Laughing stock. Not too noteworthy, but enjoyable to point and laugh at.
71-132: Lolcow. You will be mocked, and you will deserve it.
132+ : BITCH, ARE YOU FOR REAL?! Time for you to have a wiki dedicated to you!
I scored 145 my dude. I mean, I always have been a lolcow to myself but I did NOT expect this.
Edit: I added all of them up and the maximum score you can get is 525. JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK IF YOU ACTUALLY SCORED THIS HIGH-
 
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