Autism you witnessed IRL - share your stories


Genderfear - Thee/Thine
Back in high school there was this super Catholic chick who legitimately believed she was a messenger of God and friends with Archangel Michael or some shit. Not sure if she was autistic but I had some suspicion since she looked and sounded like my 50-year-old Mormon aunt despite being only like fifteen; at the very least she was brainwashed as fuck. She was always very nice to me in a manner that I now suspect might've been an attempt to convert me; she talked a lot about trying to get me to go with her to church with her but I never really had any interest Abrahamic religions so didn't bother.

One day she got into an argument with a Christian girl who was almost as zealous (and I think was later diagnosed with borderline if I'm remembering right) who I also hung out with sometimes, because Catholic chick told her she was going to hell for not being Catholic and they had me mediate for as a "neutral party" because I hadn't been raised religious at all.

I should clarify that I knew almost nothing about either religious faction and they both equated as more or less the same thing in my mind, so getting quoted scripture by two people clearly reading very different messages from it was an incredibly bizarre experience. I had absolutely zero context for what any of the shit they were talking about was supposed to mean and I suspect now that I look back on it that they might've just been trying to see which one I would play favorites for. I was a couple years younger than them as well so why the hell they thought I was in any way qualified to make judgments on theological debate is beyond me.

I don't remember how it resolved; I think Christian girl got upset and left the room crying but I don't remember coming to any specific conclusion, and just being very confused during the entire experience. I don't think I talked to Catholic autistic chick after that either; Christian chick and I hung out more after that and she really seemed to mellow her religious interests after a while.

Orange Rhymer
When I was in HS, I knew this girl who was three years my junior, and I think that she was and undiagnosed autistic. She spoke in monotone, she was completely ignorant about social clues, she moved in repetitive patterns and she had a brand of weird that made all the people who met her be like "huh?" when they talked to her. She was boy crazy, but her weirdness chased away all the boys her age.

I remember that one day we went hiking, and she saw a phone number written on a rock, near a male name and the line "I'm looking for a girlfriend! Call me!" and she wrote it down with the full intention to call. She ended pregnant when she was still very young (18, if I'm not mistaken) and apparently she didn't even realize she was expecting until it started to show and her mother understood that her daughter's clothes weren't tight because she was putting up weight, but because she would become a grandma in a few months. I have to say that her parents weren't exactly... normal, they behaved and spoke more or less like her. Seeing them together was a surreal experience.

Then, when I volunteered as a babysitter at my town community center, I met her younger brother. Since the family was so particular, I remember I was happy to see that he was a sensible boy, with a quick wit and interesting hobbies. Then... things changed. During the three years he attended the community center, he slowly became more similar to his sister and when he was beginning high school he behaved exacly like she did, except for the boy-craziness. I remeber that I discussed this with other volunteers and they confirmed that the boy... deteriorated, in those three years. Sometimes, I still wonder about it.
I have witnessed similar. A 'normal' happy, responsive, well-adjusted girl turning into a stumbling, slurring autist in a period of 3 months.
Haunts me. I want to know what treatment or chemical was administered to her, so I can religiously avoid it.

The Un-Clit

After the Dimensional Merge, pussy eats YOU!
True & Honest Fan
My sisters kids are actually autistic. Seriously.

They run around all day and scream at the top of there lungs unless you play Disney movies all day. Not the whole movies tho. Just the first 20 minutes over and over again.
When my wife at the time and I were young and poor we lived in a townhouse complex with alot of single moms and the (highly religious) mother of a girl about the same age as ours had befriended my wife who was taking care of our kid while I worked. So I didn't see them often except weekends so it took me a bit longer to understand that her daughter wasn't just a bit developmentally behind ours, she was seriously autistic.

Maybe not quite low functioning, but no where near high functional either. Only had a few words at the age of 3 and if anything fucked up her routine she would start screaming and punching herself in the head, screaming harder and harder each time but not stopping either action until she keeled over from loss of oxygen.

It upset my daughter to see her playtime friend doing this shit too, and it turns out religious mom had already burned through most of the moms in that complex eventually judgeing all of them to be satanic and secretly harming her baby. Eventually my wife started getting some of that same suspicion directed towards her by this woman, and she finally kicked the woman and her kid out of our lives before it could happen to her too.

Of course that now ment we were tools of Satan and my daughter not allowed to play with hers anymore. I think my kid got the best of that deal. Forgot about her pretty quickly too.

John Andrews Stan

Superior futurist
Speaking of kids with autism, I recently gave my friends’ daughter a bar of handmade pink watermelon soap. She immediately started happily playing with the soap like it was another child, putting it on her seesaw, sliding it down her plastic mini slide, etc. Her mom said, “That soap is her new best friend!” and we both laughed our asses off — as inconspicuously as possible, because the little girl has screaming meltdowns over everything, including people laughing without her. I love her to bits but the meltdowns make me worry she might have a vaccine injury.

Boris Blank's glass eye

Ring the bell, Roll down the street
She visited today, again, and basically asked for "the money the gubmint owes her". She was all "Yeah hi, so I was uuuuhhhh wondering if you could arrange for a lump sum payment maybe? I'm out of cash and I'd love to do some shopping." Took some time to convince her it really doesn't work that way.

And she isn't eligible anyway, never worked a single day in her life.

My agency doesn't pay anyone - we notify the branch of the state treasury responsible for handing out the gibs, and lucky clients get monthly payments. There are regularly scheduled revisions and reassessments though, so no cheating. That brings me to...
Or trying to game it. There's no way getting around the basic conditions of eligibility. However, "being out of a job" has some leeway in the form of a single day of unpaid leave. This is a case of having your cake and eating it, too - have your employer grant you a single day off, then you can both work and get these sweet sweet gibs, too.

There's a catch to this though, which most people don't ask about, and if a case handler feels particularly dickish... a grantee's total wages can't exceed an arbitrary (100+) percent of the minimum wage for a period of time (a couple of months). One could earn billions for N-1 months and then slip beneath this arbitrary threshold for the Nth month, and he's/she's fine. Exceed it for the Nth month too, and then the whole amount will be distrained. The lawful way would be to notify the agency, and have the disability payment terminated. This is always explained to the clients, but they don't really listen if we don't put extra emphasis on the whole thing.

There's also a way to game this: request termination every N months, and submit an application with a grant of unpaid leave for the same day.
I mean dumb in the sense of "why the fuck would you do this". The exact amount of gibs depends on the average monthly wages of the applicant for the previous year, but there's a hard roof depending on their "disability rating". The least severely disabled people can get around €150 tops, which is a pittance. I suspect the gov't wanted to get a simple message through: "you're differently abled and not disabled, please try to make yourself useful", which I can actually agree with. Lazy fucks shouldn't be paid to be lazy fucks.
So, clients get a certificate of disability with their exact rating at the end of a successfully completed procedure, whether it's a rejection or a grant.

Many people apply when they're still working, in hopes of getting a high enough rating and then quitting to get their gibs. Sadly, not many of them know exactly what their rating means, and they're hidden in obscure and long statutes and acts, none of which are interesting to the general public. A much easier way to do their due diligence would be calling us, but bitching is always easier.

Bobby B. gets a shitty rating, quits his job, then starts whining he can't live off €150. Of course you can't, you idiot, find another job, that's the point! The gov't recognizes your condition means financial hardships, so here's some free cash, but you're not meant to be able to live off it, that's for people unable to work. However, there are always people who keep working even with the second most severe rating, so it's a matter of attitude.

One particular case comes to mind. There was this woman, making more than enough to live comfortably Then she decided she was tired of work, so she applied for gibs. Got her rating and rejection spelling out "you're working, so you're not eligible". Next week she applied again, and handed in her terminated contract.

Sheeeeeit ma'am, you're a real winner. Barely differently abled, so €150, and she was up to her neck in debt. Five distinct cases of distraint - utility bills, failing to pay the last 3 installments of her new 4K OLED TV, that kind of thing.

My country doesn't have a process for personal bankruptcy.
Guy with mild retardation submits a messed-up application. Barely legible, unclear on several points, wasn't clear if he'd be taking care of his elderly mother for some extra cash or his mother'd be taking care of him as he was apparently born all wrong. Case was assigned to a colleague, so she called the guy. "Pleeez make eeeet fast eye'm off to werk". "Uh, sir, are you aware you need to be out of work to be eligible?" "Suuuure but eye'll jus lie."
This is more the parent's fault I'd say, as she had to be the one to incite her mildly retarded son.
There was a trucker who applied and sent in a wild tale as grounds for his disability. No, he wasn't diagnosed with anything major, no sir.

He, however, was beaten within an inch of his life in Egypt. Then he somehow saved a dog and kept him in his (semi) truck. They went on to Iraq to drop some industrial supplies and smuggle some gold out of there, but the border guard started shooting at his truck, but the dog, being an unclean animal, scared them off... or something. Then he smuggled vodka into Saudi Arabia, and he was beaten within an inch of his life again, and his truck was impounded and his cargo confiscated and they shot his dog too, and the Russkies sent the Spetsnaz and the Mossad to break him out, which they obviously did. Then he became some kind of secret agent but was poisoned by the CIA and was forced to apply for gibs, the end.

I suspect the only real-life vodka involved were the untold liters that went down his throat.
Guy submits a very bare-bones application. Nothing aside from his personal identification data and a phone number.
"-Hello, this is Boris Blank's glass eye from the gibs agency, and you submitted this very bare-bones application. I'm going to...
-Did I?
-...uh, yes, you definitely did. Wouldn't know your phone number otherwise.
-Well I can't remember, and I don't want to do anything with you, either.
-So you don't want gibs?
-No, keep your filthy money, you Judeo Bolshevik scum-suckers! Fuck you and fuck Soros!
-K bye."

Case dismissed.


World's Okay-est Proctologist
True & Honest Fan
I remember back in my kiddo days going to summer camp, there was a girl with a distinctive and somewhat odd name (this comes into play later) that really, really, want to hang out with my friend group but was too annoying for us to want to deal with her shit. I don't remember what her deal was exactly or why we didn't have the patience for her since that wasn't what made her stand out in my memory. If she didn't get her way she would crawl into a tiny corner of the room and cry silently while repetedly banging her head on the wall. Counselors would try to get her to stop but gave up after she refused figuring that they didn't get paid enough for this shit. Keep in mind this was not a super little kid, she was maybe 9 or 10?

Years later in high school, I encountered a girl with the exact same name who dressed exactly like a dude right down to the sagging pants exposing boxer briefs. This was a bit before trans-trending started to be a thing so I don't know if that's what she was doing or what. Don't let your kids bang their heads against the wall for an hour or they'll troon out.

What's really funny about that summer camp session, is that one of the counselors was actually my mom's personal lolcow from high school. I don't know about his past history as a retro 80's lolcow but I have found his photo in my parent's old yearbook and he somehow managed to look like a middle-aged sex offender even as a teen. The head of the summer camp program was a school friend of my parents who hired the guy becasue she figured he couldn't possibly still be a lolcow after all this time, what's the worst that could happen? Well he argued with kids about legos, broke a few minor rules and threw a fit when he'd get caught, and finally ended up getting fired for an incident involving the boy's bathroom. It was a long time ago so I don't remember very well, but there was something about how he was seen hovering around the entrance and standing in the doorway watching the kids inside as they you know, had their junk out and were trying to pee with this weird 35 year old man watching them. I don't remember him lasting very long, he fucked up pretty damn quick.


Assistant Mana-Jerk @ Mal-Wart
2) Ron once called me up at home to tell me what he and his cousin were up to that night. Ron was a huge fan of FFVII and was in love with Aerith, so much so that he and his cousin spent an evening restarting FFVII over and over and kissing the TV whenever this scene appeared. Apparently it was necessary that I knew about it.
If he was that autistic to kiss his TV screen then I wonder how he chimped out when Aerith died.

The Un-Clit

After the Dimensional Merge, pussy eats YOU!
True & Honest Fan
If he was that autistic to kiss his TV screen then I wonder how he chimped out when Aerith died.
He would probably be one of the people who followed all of those "Secret path to saving Aeris in FFVII discovered!" bullshit posts that would show up on GameFAQs and eventually YouTube videos that did some clever (or not) shooping of the dialog and FMV that would say you need to complete X near impossible thing like collect 99 of every materia or do the Condor Fort battles losing and winning in a specific sequence all the way to letting Sephiroth kill you in the final battle without attacking him made him resurrect Aeris out of guilt etc. etc.

That shit was driving aspies like this out of their minds even worse then the actual death scene itself when all that bullshit failed to do anything.

Clown Baby

True & Honest Fan
A while back I worked with a guy who was obviously autistic, or had aspergers. He was short and slim, wore glasses, average looking, except he always wore a band aid over the bridge of his nose. Definitely high-functioning, but the social aspects of work life were clearly a struggle for him because he ruined the vibe of any room he came into. I avoided him like the plague, used curt/professional greetings with him and actively prayed he wouldn't come try to talk to me. I have a very low tolerance for cringe.

Obviously my prayers didn't work. He would come up behind my desk all the time and stand there mouthbreathing over my shoulder until I acknowledged him. One time when he did this, I was super annoyed by having him creeping behind me and said something like "dude, what? can I help you?" He decided this was a good time to go into this whole long thing about sleep apnea, and told me he slept with a mask on. The mask cut into his nose, and that's why he wore a band aid all the time. I don't remember what I said to him. It was something to just get him away from me, like "Oh man, that sucks. 'Kay, see ya! Lotta work to do yanno" and then when he left, my cube mate appeared over the partition like a rising phoenix with eyes bigger than the moon. "Girl, did he really just say--" "Yep." "And you didn't even ask him--" "Nope."

Some time later he ended up being disciplined by our manager for some silly thing and had a full-blown crying tantrum in front of everyone. I don't remember what he did wrong, but it was something that a normal person would have listened to, taken in, and moved forward from. He seriously resigned that same day by writing a long emotional note on a piece of printer paper and walking out. My whole department laughed about that shit for weeks. There's a copy of his resignation letter somewhere in my attic.

Boris Blank's glass eye

Ring the bell, Roll down the street
Three stories from today.
So there's this retard who applied for gibs. Gave us a regular address, a mailing address, and the personal ID data of his appointed guardian. This last detail is very important since we have to know if a client is even legally allowed to apply for anything. The gov't wants to protect people who'd be taken advantage of and all that. Who wasn't his legal guardian but his domestic partner,

What he failed to mention is he had changed names mid-procedure.

And that he moved mid-procedure.


So there was this tard-raging fucknugget harassing practically anyone he could reach via phone he didn't get his gibs yet.
And he didn't pick up his fucking phone when I called him back. To tell him his application was rejected because - you (probably) guessed it - he never worked a single fucking day his whole life.

Maybe he should get a legal guardian after all.
This one needs some explanation.
About 15 years ago, the then-ruling party decided to introduce a new tax scheme for self-employed people. Proof of this decision being an uncharacteristically good one is this tax scheme has stayed the same ever since.
It's a special tax form for self-employed people in a nutshell. They have to file their taxes on a very simple form:
  1. Were you financially active or not?
  2. Select your income bracket.
  3. Please state the nature of your activity.
The second and third are the more important: the third because there are some occupations which need a permit or a licence, for example, installing and maintaining AC units, any healthcare occupation, and any legal occupation like a notary. The second is basically "were your earnings under or above €400?". Both brackets have a set amount of tax.

Basically, file your taxes via this form, and the revenue service won't care what you make as long as you pay your damn taxes. Work and fire safety departments, customs agents, etc. are still going to make your life harder, but the revenue service won't. Self-employed people have health insurance, their taxes pay into their state retirement funds, and they're entitled to these sweet sweet gibs as well.

The catch? The exact amount of gibs an applicant can receive is computed from their average earnings in the last fiscal year. Apply in 2020, and your monthly gibs will be ×% of your average 2019 monthly earnings. This tax scheme, however, doesn't really give a fuck about how much the self-employed person in question made, it assigns them either the high or the low income bracket. Flat earnings for flat taxes. And this is where we witness the beauty.

A middle-aged lady applied for gibs. She was a proper, med school type dentist for something like 30 years, and was filing her taxes under this scheme ever since it was introduced. Then she got cancer and couldn't work any longer, and decided to apply.

I have no idea how much she made, but the welfare she's going to receive will be a very minuscule fraction of that.
Same goes for retirement.

This tax scheme is perfect for people who want to work part-time without much hassle in taxes. Elmer, the electrician, who's doing contract work on the weekends after working for a building company from monday to friday. Helen the hairdresser who's a stay-at-home wife, but wants to make some money. That kind of thing. A dentist making tens of thousands and forgot to invest her money? Great in the short term, but can be devastating when the time of retirement comes.
This was a call I took.
"-Hello, this is Boris Blank's glass eye, how can I help you?
-Well I'm looking for (colleague) but maybe you can help me?
-Sure, that's what I just asked. His office is on a different floor, but it doesn't really make a difference.
-So I'm near retirement age, and I've heard old people don't have to go through medical reassessement.
-Yeah, generally, their conditions don't improve, so the big heads decided it wasn't necessary.
-Okay, I don't want to undergo psychiatric treatment any more either.
-Excuse me?
-I don't want to undergo psychiatric treatment any more. But I heard the po-pos arrest people and lock them up if they don't take their psych meds! They took my son too! Or... do they... lock them up in hospitals?
-I'm sure involuntary commitment is usually reserved for patients with violent tendencies...
-...right. And a judge has to order involuntary commitment after a proper judiciary process, anyway.
-So they can't take me?
-I don't think so. However, I'm not a psychiatrist or a judge, so I'm not 100% sure.
-Maybe I'm going to call (colleague) again.
-Uh sure, you do that.
-And he's going to help me so the po-pos can't take me away.
-I'm not so sure about that.
And then she hung up. Sadly, I can't recreate the voice, and recording any call is forbidden, but I hope the text conveys at least a quarter of this insanity.