Bad Writing Advice -

eternal dog mongler

kiwifarms.net
If you want a cool character, just add on as many quirks and powers as you can imagine! Just make sure she's a regular normal girl for relateability, but she... gasp! Has to choose between TWO superficial hot guys!

This is just every romance novel.

First off let's create our female protagonist. She's a little bit quirky and weird. Good.

She's friends with a high-powered executive woman and she's a bitch so we hate her. That creates tension.

Also she has a gay friend. Every romance novel protagonist needs a non-threatening gay guy.

Now let's get into the love interests. The first one is a vampire werewolf rapist that drives an 84 bone white vette. That's how you know he's cool. The other one is, fuck, I don't know, a werelion that plays hockey. You don't really have to develop them that much.

And this is how we write a romance novel in 2020.
 

Overcast

Employee of the Year
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
If you want an epic battle, just throw shit tons of stuff everywhere. You got all this budget for special effects, you might as well spend it.

Don’t worry if the battles make no sense from a strategic and logical standpoint. Most people don’t actually know enough about that kind of thing to care.
 

Pixy Misa

.
kiwifarms.net
The Bechdel test is the single best tool to know if you are writing strong female characters. If two women aren't talking about something that isn't men, you fail at writing women.

Ignore the fact that a boring story having two women talking about each other clothes's would pass the test 100% despite being a dumb stereotype; whereas an epic movie about a badass mother trying to escape from a zombie-infested city, alone, with a baby boy in her back, would fail the test miserably.
 
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Fascist Ferret

reporting for duty
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Use fifty cent words even when five cent words will do. Never use "said", only use descriptive and exaggerstive verbs. Always use adverbs and adjectives.

"What an immeasurable travesty!" The boisterous scandalmonger ejaculated provocatively.
"Restrain yourself," the tyrannical tyrant unsympathetically mocked the desperate plebeian with an inconsiderate chortle, cruelly.
"Guards, fetter this firebrand immediately!"
 

Broseph Stalin

Smoke a Fed for St. Herkster
kiwifarms.net
Well well well, Kiwis. Y'all needing some advice on how to be the next JRR Tolkien or Truman fuckin' Capote? Well look no further! Papa Broseph is here to learn you some advice on how to be the next shit hot novelist!

- Writing military fiction or military science fiction? Well shit, if you're a former service member just go into a page in a half on how to kill a terrorist from a mile away with a Mk 12 Special Purpose rifle with a 10 lb mass, 18 icn (457.2 mm) barrel length, 37.5 inch (952.5 mm) overall length, chambered for 5.56x45mm NATO rounds with an effective range of 700 meters and still capable of headshotting your target with a wind speed of 10 mph from the northwest!
What's THAT?!? NONE OF THAT MADE SENSE TO YOU!?!?! And it's BOGGING DOWN THE STORY!?!? Well, you're just a civilian scrub that doesn't know how the military REALLY works! Never mind writing a fictitious story about the horrors of war or the possibility of soldiers or a mercenary entering a warzone with the same mindset of an American draftee going into Vietnam and having no clue what the fuck they're doing there in the first place and only trying to survive the shit. Just show your reader you know more than they do about guns and military tactics and totally not admit that this is just a way to compensate for the fact you chose a MOS that didn't do jack shit for you in the civilian world or didn't witness any action at all!
And also, ALWAYS write about conflicts taking place in the current year that totally won't be dated as shit when the next hockaloogie sounding terrorist group in the Middle East rises up and kicks off another forever war! Nobody wants to read about gay ass shit like The Korean War or that time the Russians fought the fuckin' Japanese during World War 2! (Ok no seriously, that last part? That shit really happened, look it up)

- Speaking of science fiction, is it REALLY science fiction you're writing? Got a PhD in quantum physics that didn't get you a real job or tenure at your alma mater? Well, just pump out a HARD science fiction novel with pages and pages of quantum physics that are basically just copy/pasted vocabulary words from various chapters of your old college text books! Show everyone that you can science harder than the so-called "Science" fiction authors that care more about story over actual science!
Don't even fuckin' think of trying to pique people's interest in the more complex sciences with some very basic entry level shit to whet their appetite and maybe get them interested in an otherwise obscure field of study, OR make a compelling story for that matter! If those fuckers sink in the deep end of this bitch and brought your book to a Half-Price Books because they didn't enjoy it, they deserved to drown!

- Hey, who doesn't love sex and violence? If your story is full of action, make it as BLOODY, GORY, and OVER THE TOP as possible! Make it the fuckin' novelization of the lovechild of Postal 2 and DOOM! Wait, what's that you say, conveniently inquisitive strawman? You think that the level of violence could possibly be used to enhance the story without making it a splatterhouse gorefest for edgy teens?
Well...I guess you're right when you say you could write a story told through the eyes of a young or sheltered character who witnesses sheer terror and horror in a situation like a brutal war, ethnic cleansing, crime infested area prone to gang warfare or homicides, or even a fantasy battle or massive science fiction war, and show a perspective from another character's point-of-view who is so desensitized to the violence that they aren't phased by the brutality and misery of the situation, leading to tense scenes that are surprisingly devoid of descriptive violence and gore to reflect how shockingly unphased the character is to it without having to give them edgy dialogue or make them a Hollywood nihilist. LOL NAW FUCK THAT SHIT, that'll drag down the action! And are you really gonna trust your readers to notice that sort of contrast???

- Speaking of characters, you know that story you're writing about the grizzled old bounty hunter in space? You know, the one where he contemplates where life got him to this point and is a more introspective story about a man nearing the end of his prime and wonders if he can stop the younger generations from making the same mistakes he did that got him to this point in his life while also trying to connect with a younger character to show differing perspectives and how while these two have differences, they also find common ground and possibly change as a result of their interactions together throughout the story?
WELL FUCK THAT NOISE, MY NIGGA!!! Nobody wants to read a story about SUPER OLD and NOT COOL old people! Naw, you gotta have ONLY totally tubular YOUNG main characters! Make them young but experienced with no flaws or skills that need to be developed! Oh, wait! Some ADULTS are telling you that you gotta give your characters FLAWS?! Just give the story some authority figure with the personality and charm of a butched out lesbian high school principal on her period to basically tell the reader that the main character is a reckless hotheaded rebel, because that's basically a flaw right there amirite!? And if it sounds like they're actually making a point, just have the main character prove them wrong no matter how deus ex machina shit gets! The kids always save the day, are always right, and adults just need to shut up and listen after all!

- Man, wouldn't it be SCARY if HITLER or STALIN had actually TAKEN OVER THE WORLD?! If Nazism or Communism reigned SUPREME?! Or if the Cold War went NUCLEAR?! Or if Dorgar Blumpf became literally Hitler and forced Mexicans to work the Taco Bell down the street from Drumpf Tower?!
Alternative History can be a great tool to showcase what history could have been like, and TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY what history could have been like with no ifs, ands, or buts about it! Oh well hello there, conveniently inquisitive strawman! What's that? You're saying that we can never really know what history could have been like if X had done Y and that it really can't be so clear cut due to a multitude of factors that could have led to a variety of outcomes that may be worth telling a story about? You're interested in writing about a world where Hitler's assassination during Operation Valkyrie resulted in a completely different future for Nazi Germany and a different post-war geopolitical structure? Or a Russia under Trotsky that led to a different outcome for the Soviet Union? Or an America where 9/11 never happened? Or maybe even an America that never experienced the Civil War but had more of a political battle fought in the halls of Congress rather than the fields of Gettysburg? NAW FUCK THAT SHIT!!! You gotta make your alternative history as fear mongering as possible and ALWAYS draw parallels to the current year and your perceived political enemies!

- Oh yeah, and history! Do you love history? Don't worry about writing a story that takes subtle notes from historic events or even periods of history to enhance your worldbuilding! Just ham fist that shit into the story for the reader so you can let them know you're writing a story about space Nazis or trying to do a rehash of The War of the Roses or some other obscure European war! Nevermind the social and politcal landscape or other factors affecting the period you're copy/pasting from. Just show people that you know history better than the other guy and you can write about European history BETTER than George R.R. Martin can! Never mind the fact that there are dragons and magic in his story, it's all about that historic accuracy! And space Nazis? Just make em one dimensional warmongering villains for your plucky young heroes to fight! Don't write about how economic and political instability or anything else could have led to millions of people to throw their lot behind an authoritarian empire that's only PURE EVIL because the main character was told so, or try to make the empire seem remotely different from the real Nazi Germany, Stalinist Russia, or Bush Era United States! That could paint it in a three-dimensional light and make you a ALT RIGHT ADJACENT NAZI APOLOGIST and fuck up the political message you're trying to get across! And you don't wanna get blacklisted, do you?

- One final piece of advice, boys and girls! You know what makes a story truly, undoubtedly, unequivocally...a success? A plot twist! But...were your readers blown away by that twist? Well clearly you're doing something right! Don't build upon the outcome of that twist and bring the story in a new and interesting direction! You gotta add MORE twists! Twists are what truly keep people engaged! Clearly you can tell your successful when you have twists that go nowhere but blow your readers minds or cater to the plethora of fan theories about your writing! And remember, the bigger the twist, the better! What's that? The story is suffering? Psh! Nah, it'll be fine! Do you really think people are interested in a compelling story that doesn't rely on twists at all? Or twists that add flavor to a story but don't blow the readers' minds? Of course not! Just throw in more twists to make the fans go full on gaping cuck face over! Besides, have you seen just how much money Game of Thrones, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and the new Star Wars movies have raked in? If that ain't success, I dunno what is!

Now go! Kiwis! Go, and WRITE TO THE EXTREME!
 

L50LasPak

Life on the outside ain't what it used to be.
kiwifarms.net
Make sure to maintain absolutely zero consistence between characters, and feel free to violate the rules of your own setting as much as you can. You're God, you make the rules. Nerds, especially other writers, will definitely not point this out at all and will be mesmerized by your three page description of the main character's tits or your two page description of the big space battle that makes no sense.
 

Fascist Ferret

reporting for duty
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Make sure to maintain absolutely zero consistence between characters, and feel free to violate the rules of your own setting as much as you can. You're God, you make the rules. Nerds, especially other writers, will definitely not point this out at all and will be mesmerized by your three page description of the main character's tits or your two page description of the big space battle that makes no sense.
Lol that reminds me of badly done anime fights that focus so much on, oh wow flashy lights and powers! That the movements and spatial placement make no comprehensive sense.
 

Neurotic Loser

Lurker who needs to Lurk MOAR
kiwifarms.net
When writing a sequel you got to up the stakes of the story. A BRILIANT way of doing this is to introduce a character and kill them off in the opening chapter. The sooner the better, as you don't want to slow down the story now.
Also make sure that the main characters from the previous book are the bestest of friends with this new character who was never mentioned before. This gives their death more meaning and totally doesn't bring the reader from the story do to a disconnect with the characters.
Finally, never mention it ever again. As you don't want to bog down the exciting story you created. An addendum to that is always mention the death if you are too scared to actually kill off important characters. You want it to seem tragic. It is not heavy handed to bludgeon your readers with a death of a character they don't give a shit about.
 

fat venus

we have been hurt and aboundoned in the past
kiwifarms.net
Guys, when you're writing a female character, remember that what defines her most is her being female first and her hotness a close second. Remember to remind the readers about her slim but curvaceous figure, her bouncy breasts, her perfectly toned but soft ass, her sexy long legs. Don't ruin that good fap material by giving her any actual role in the story, she's there to look pretty.

Also, give a number rating for every female character encountered in the story. Any female character below 6 is automatically an unpleasant bitch too, that's how it works in real life.
 

Rob_Mercury

🤡🌏
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Always remember that your audience is really ,really dumb. That's why you're the one making brilliant fiction and they're consooming it. To make sure their bug-brains don't miss on important information, have your characters expunge it in a encyclopedic manner. Preferably before very important, tense moments or better yet, halfway through those. But you can't make your character stare at the audience and tell them what they absolutely need to know. Have them do it in a conversation. To make it even more dramatic, have them talk with the villain while expunging this information. First and foremost, to subtlety humanize these monsters in a manner that only you and fellow intellectuals can appreciate while also fitting it neatly for the untermenschen to comprehend.

how many anime did I just describe?
 

AzuraAquafina

Retarded Galaxy Snek ;D
kiwifarms.net
Start every chapter describing the weather. Don't even bother incorporating it into any themes or whatever vocab you learned from your freshman English class. NEVER be creative or deviate from how you open the next chapter.

If you want to write a strong character, especially if they're a woman, make sure they're super stoic because having emotions is gay. Vulnerabilities towards loved ones? lol. Who needs that?
 

SheerHeartAttack

kiwifarms.net
When your creating a sequel for an established property and you're not the original author, be sure to shit all over what made the original franchise great. To show how big brained you are by subverting expectations. Also be sure to have all of the original characters die in a horribly humiliating fashion and replace them with new woke characters that are better in every way and do away with all of those problematic racist things like characterization and likability.
 
There's a whole Youtube channel for this!


His shtick got real old real quick, especially when it degenerated from general points on genres to "wow watch me dig, in my sarcastic voice, on popular things even if they're not cliches or even if they're not bad wa-hey"
 

AzuraAquafina

Retarded Galaxy Snek ;D
kiwifarms.net
His shtick got real old real quick, especially when it degenerated from general points on genres to "wow watch me dig, in my sarcastic voice, on popular things even if they're not cliches or even if they're not bad wa-hey"
It doesn't help that he shills pretty hard. Some Youtubers can make ads tolerable, but the way he shills makes me cringe.
 

Marco Fucko

I fantasized about this back in Chicago
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
His shtick got real old real quick, especially when it degenerated from general points on genres to "wow watch me dig, in my sarcastic voice, on popular things even if they're not cliches or even if they're not bad wa-hey"

I wonder if he's ever made anything and how it holds up, honestly. I always laugh when I see a critic fail to measure up to their own standards.
 
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