Battle Brothers 2021 - Face it, you're already dead inside.

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Barbarus

VAE VICTIS!
kiwifarms.net
I have the video for this but as I said, we had a bit of an issue with recording.

We start this episode on the way south for easier targets, boost our friendship with the southern kingdoms and potentially make bank. but before that we introduce two new members of the company! @Hugbox Kommissar and @Barbarus (me for lols) This leaves us with 4 members of the shieldwall, which is fantastic, doubles our survivability in fights and makes things far far easier.

We pick up a quest to escort a caravan south to a certain town we have been to before. This is the perfect opportunity, you will understand in a second.

On the way south we are stopped by a group of men hanging some guy. Naturally I have to investigate what is going on, perhaps we can join in the beatings! Apparently the man being hung, fornicated with a dead horse, and the farmer was not too impressed, so got a group of his buddies, ran him down and we ended in this scenario. Being the proud and virtuous man that I am, I decide to investigate. Fucking a dead horse is a wild accusation.

Yeah, he fucked the dead horse, just comes out and says he did it because it was dead and no one would give a shit. THAT is when I make my presence known in the company. The group were whipping the man, but seeing as my job before I joined the company was FLAGGELENT, I was not too impressed at the fact that the whipping seemed superficial, so I walk over there, grab the whip and punish the horse fucker for a bonus of +1 Melee skill! Actual result for one of the funniest events I have seen.

We don't really have many more problems however we enter our first battle just near the objective. This is a fucking nails fight, 7 raiders which are far better geared than us. Its a fucking hard one.
Thank the Jewish gods, the fight is in our favour, we have high ground on our spawn so we can fuck some royal shit up. I move @BooWoo and @j666 forward, with our shieldy boyos infront, we have the higher ground making this fight miles better.

- J666 fires an amazing shot in line with BooWoo nailing down a poor defenseless pikeman charging his way over. I manage to take a mace to the face, Classic. But the man is surrounded and absolutely demolished by @Kane Lives from above, who removes another head.

- @Bumblino porks another man from behind the shieldwall, I bought him a 2 spacer so he can be a sneaky fucking wanker. Really good show from him

- Suddenly out of nowhere, the one hunter in the back, fucking snipes our new boy @Disc with a one shot. I was absolutely fucking shocked, look what they did to my boyyyyyyy! Kane Lives, absolutely devastated that his lover was sniped, goes into a frenzy and fucking SWINGS HIS AXE, KILLING TWO MORE PEOPLE (with help from the shieldwall who were witling them down)

- Not content with just 3 kills, Kane Lives goes mental and slices the head off another unit from behind. This leaves us as the victors of the fight, as the final lad runs off like a BITCH.

Absolutely heartbroken, my bad feelings eventually settle down when I see the loot. A fucking B-E-A-U-T of a nasal helm that has full durability and some other weapons and valuables to sell. Kane, after showing himself to be an absolute fucking bulldozer with buzzsaw blades attached rightfully gets the helmet. No question, he deserves it.

We reach the town, which funnily enough was where we started the game, I decide that perhaps we go pick up something nice for J666 for her PTSD. She needs a service dog to protect her and comfort her in cramped and packed places. It is then that we are reunited with a puppy by the name of Redtooth. Apparently he was just wounded and we left him for dead in the swamp.

The contracts around the area were fucking shockingly shit, so I move west and south for glory! There we find a town by the name of i can't remember, and we are set upon by 12 bandits! This is a pretty even fight.

I am a liar, it wasnt evenly matched one bit. It was in fact a massacre, It turns out luck was on our side. This battle ended in like 3 minutes to give you a time frame.

-J666 and BooWoo both kill 2 people in the opening volley, Not sure what the fuck is going on with these people ,they have been massively accurate the past fight.

- The shieldboys, @Bad Gateway @Barbarus and @Hugbox Kommissar all rip and tear three bandits. one per mercenary, This was an absolute bloodbath, with Hugbox removing a head.

-Dial M, then throws his anal bolos and fucking ruins a poor archer from the side. It was filthy.

- What happened to the rest you may ask? Well let me introduce you to Kane Lives, who immediately fucking rip and tears. Killing two people with a swinging arc leaving the rest of the people to run off crying.

As you have read we lost someone. However as this was not on video, I will do one final reincarnation. DO BETTER or else! We also have two things we need to discuss, Firstly, who is going to end up with our banner? We are currently on a quest to gain 2000 gold so we can have a pike with the Abortion Boat banner on. Secondly, we need some titles for some of you. Obviously The Blind was not 100% accurate, similar to the person titled.

BooWoo - 1
Kane Lives - 10 (5 decapitations)
J666 - 2
Dial M - 4
Barbarus - 1
Disc - 1
Bad Gateway - 4
Bumblino - 6
Hugbox Kommissar - 1
Looney Troons - 1
 
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Kane Lives

Peace through power
kiwifarms.net
As you have read we lost someone. However as this was not on video, I will do one final reincarnation. DO BETTER or else! We also have two things we need to discuss, Firstly, who is going to end up with our banner? We are currently on a quest to gain 2000 gold so we can have a pike with the Abortion Boat banner on. Secondly, we need some titles for some of you. Obviously The Blind was not 100% accurate, similar to the person titled.
Are we meta-gaming this or nah? If not, I nominate OP for banner duties. Flogging a horsefucker is metal, dude.
 

Barbarus

VAE VICTIS!
kiwifarms.net
Are we meta-gaming this or nah? If not, I nominate OP for banner duties. Flogging a horsefucker is metal, dude.
Not really, I came to the realisation that the extreme difficulty is not fit for this type of game-mode considering every pack of mobs are raiders who out gear and out damage us like mad or large amounts of mobs, outnumbering us. My character was just a fill in to make things a bit more survivable! So at the moment, rather than meta-gaming or playing as serious as I normally would. this round is basically a test playthrough to show you all what its about!

I will more than likely switch to two tile as they are going to be REALLY important in early game and the plan was to convert our skirms to heavily armoured peltasts so they can manouver around and join the shield wall if needed. It would probably be a decent idea for me to grab it, as it leaves the rest of you open to your chosen roles.

I am sad I did not get the event videoed, it was hilarious!
 

Disc

the crustiest of video games
kiwifarms.net
Well, who’s ready to continue fighting? I sure am!

1614287966037.jpeg

Edit: Also, I propose that, whenever we get new dogs, we name them redtooth and varg if we do not already have dogs named Redtooth and Varg.
 
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Tealeaf

ALTEATUDE
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Interested, preferences below

What you wish to do:
Skirmisher, Melee (damage dealers), Shieldboy, Backliner and Archer.

Your weapon of choice and specifically what. for example, 2 hand melee spear :
Thrown (javelin for skirm), 1h melee, 2h melee, crossbow, bow (for archer), multiple tile melee

whippy boi is Fine Too
 

Barbarus

VAE VICTIS!
kiwifarms.net
This will be my final post on this campaign unfortunately as you will see below, But do not fear! I have something in the works at the moment to transition.

After the unfortunate events of the last episode in which @Disc managed to lose his head, it turns out he actually either had it sewn back on somehow by a traveller and managed to get to the town we were going to, or we met up with his son. Immediately, that boy is recruited up to be sent into danger again. You can't put a good boy down. This one is actually better stat's too, I guess Disc did a bit of an anime thing where they come back better than they were before! Could this be the birth of a legend? In addition to this, I pick up a quest to boot some squatting niggas out of a farm so that the townspeople can continue to be the 1%. Its pretty simple, go to the place, tell em to fuck off, then escort a caravan down to the building. Its easy as shit and nets us a few sheks for the trouble of dealing with unwashed lower class.

We then set off to another place for two purposes. We need to find a land with a lot of towns and no keeps or castles so that we can get a lot of contracts which are not filled with monsters out the arse and we need to get our banner so we need fat money. I start moving us out to find this green and pleasant land that we can dominate and make a name for ourselves. We are immediately stopped short of the town by a hooker being beaten by her pimp. I love a good woman getting beaten, so we are given an option to defend her or the pimp. Naturally I choose the pimp. It was the wrong choice, as he was in fact a pussy ass nigga with no game. I am guessing this was his sister or something as no one with that little game can maintain a solid pimp organisation, fucking disgrace to the black community.

There is a vast unexplored area to the East, so thats where we are going to go! but it turns out all our roads lead to Sandfels. Here we find our first proper test. We need to clear some ruins of some spooky ghoul boys and our first fight of the day. I pick up some quick materials, like food and shit, check if there are any decent cheap weapon upgrades and grab Redtooth some armour as he will come in use for this.

- The Nachzherer charge in immediately, @BooWoo lands a prebby good shot on one of the back lads which is a promising start. followed by @j666 missing as usual. If you have not noticed, I picked her up a dunce hat too in the form of a potato sack for added effect. Not impressed that J666 shot her arrows into the sun, rather than the enemy, @Dial M for Misgender decides to show her how its done! only he doesn't and misses twice too. Result.

- Our Shieldwall prepares. @Hugbox Kommissar swings his mighty axe and cuts a nigga up, damaging the spooky boy but not yet killing him. Ill take the hit. Farmer @Bumblino then pokes a boy through the shieldwall. I am shocked that we have been as accurate as we have so far and actually landing hits. I am immediately proud of some of you. Some. Being the bloothirsty boy that I am, I try to finish off the boy that Bumblino had it out for, slapping him down to gravely wound him.

- J666 lands a nice hit, showing that she was probably just playing around and choosing not to hit what I targeted for her. Bumblino follows this by gravely wounding another boy, If he had a better weapon he would absolutely demolish this lowly spooky crew on his own probably. However I am not made of fucking money, so you are keeping that fucking pitchfork and you will like it farmer boy. Then it happens, our first kill goes to Dial M, who throws his anal bolos and smites down one of the heathens. It seems that our ranged were just warming up. Im not complaining as long as they continue to be good. But thats short-lived because BooWoo misses immediately after. Disc, with a need to impress, gravely wounds another boy. Nice to see that he is doing better than last time :story: Hugbox Kommissar and yours truly chop up some slags shortly after that pulling in our second and third kills. To top this off @Bad Gateway comes in swinging and bashes the shit out of TWO of them for the fourth and fifth kill. We have this now, there is no way we will lose.

- They are on the run, its time to clean up. BooWoo and @Looney Troons slap up a bitch, Looney troons striking the boy down after a well placed bolt by BooWoo. I release Redtooth to catch up and chew on the last remaining boy. We hunt him down and Looney Troons strikes him down, clearly still angry and wishing to prove himself after dying and coming back from the dead...

The Loot is great, lots of brains, teeth and horns, which we can use to make armour and other assorted shite. And in the worst case, we can sell them for a fair amount a pop. This was a great contract. We hand it in and head to the unexplored areas. Along the way, we are stopped by a group of lads asking where some thievy boys were. I snitch on them immediately as they had hidden right by us, which gains us another 50 gold. We continue our journey to the north to search for glory.

It is then that we begin our downfall. Many of you are aware of what has happened, but I will do a run down quickly, then explain a few things and what I plan to do. I speak in this video, mainly so that I can make note taking easier, but It also means that I can explain what's going on while im playing if you are that interested. Let me know if you want me to continue how I was or keep it silent and just stick to the write ups.

Heading north, we discover a camp of goblins. FUCK THAT. These aint your typical goblins, Overseers grant a leadership type effect to their gobbo sons. Ambushers snipe the fuck out of you and the rest of the group are literally just Dial M for Murder. My plan is to use the items we recieved from the last battle to make some new armour and shit if possible, unfortunately all we can make is white spirit out of fucking spooky horns. The town we went to is not all bad though, we find a nice little contract to take us back to Sandfels. where all our paths lead. I don't recognise it though and believe that the Sandfels I know is more than a days march away as the contract suggests. It is, I am right, fuck you. So I move to the unexplored area as I believe it must be there.

Now we get to the start of the fuck ups and bad luck. Traversing the mountains, you fucking mouthbreathing retards decide to have a punch up, injuring half the fucking team, GOOD FUCKING JOB. We spot some brigands shortly after and I go in to fucking murk the cunts and steal their shit. Only its in a fucking stupid swamp, again.

Its a swamp. I want to keep people out of the shitty bog water as I have talked about before, luckily there is a road in the centre of the map, so we can shield wall the shit out of it and wait for them to potentially get slowed and then just eat them up.

- Looney Troons lands the first hit, BooWoo snipes the second at a 37% hit chance, could this be the turning point for our famous Blind crossbow woman?

- Looney Troons then slaps the same boy he hit before, gravely wounding him and continues to make me a proud father. @Kane Lives then pulls out his first kill of the game (and first hit lmao) smiting a boy down with the strength of two trucks hitting a small infant at 80mph, allowing him to be free to circle round the back and cleave his way through the brigands that dare to walk in front of us. BooWoo then lands ANOTHER bolt, knocking a boy down to half health. Disc joins in the killing, removing a low health boy with his throwing spears. J666 targets BooWoos bitch and lands a very nice hit, gravely wounding him.


-BooWoo like the pimp she is, claims what she owes from her pet whore, That being the brigands soul. Pulling off a nice hit at a 40% chance, knocking down another boy. After a few misses and some shield blocking, its my turn to kill. I remove a boys head from his shoulders which I plan to use as a piss pot, or drinking vessel, or both. Aint really decided yet. But I think to myself... Why not get two so I dont have to choose? one of the brigands moves in to try his luck and gets chopped down by me. Unfortunately keeps his head. Disappointing.

- Redtooth is released, the goodest boy, the golden one, the chosen and our mascot charges in as the brigs are about to fuck off and try to escape the slaughter that is Kane pulling in from behind. Redtooth chomps down on a boy, followed by Bumble stabbing the cunt with his farmer equipment. Kane, now in range demolishes another boy who we were gangbanging as they were trying to get away from the fuck fest.

- Kane takes another kill on a retreating boy, its a shame he did not have this much luck with hits on people that were actually fighting back lmao. Our best and goodest boy Redtooth, then catches up to the last retreating brig as he is free to devour, chomps down on him and leaves him gravely wounded. Allowing Dial M with his own farmer utensil to pull in the final kill.


Coming up to the next town, it is then I realise that its SANDFEL we are going to, I am going the complete wrong way, fucking stupid contracts. So I fuck off down there. Nothing really of note happens on the journey. And by that I mean this happens.
Thinking I have more space than I do, we are caught between two groups of raiders. I opt for the smaller number group thinking we should be able to kill them, right? I am going to do this one a little differently for obvious reasons.

WRONG.

- J666 opens up immediately doming our first raider. Fucking B-E-EAUT of a shot. I move Bad Gateway into the trees so he can do a rendition of that one greek fight back in the medieval ages, Rorks Drift. I am fucking nervous as balls for this, But I have to play ballsy, we have got this right? I just fucking know someone is going to die. This is going to be fucking hard. Unfortunately this is the end.

- Bad Gateway, tanks for a long time but it is a losing battle, he is a hero of the battlefield but It is not enough. Bad Gateway is taken out. But he died a hero holding the line. F in chat boys

- Kane Lives, my golden MVP boy is taken down as well.

- J666 has her world ruined by a thrown weapon, I probably should have given her a non meme helmet. Lmao.

- Looney Troons, removes a head from a boy, my pheonix, my light, the angel of our team. Looney Troons survives, not willing to go back to the grave again.

- Redtooth is released on J666's death. Charges in like the best boy, but it chopped down and sent to doggy heaven. I don't think we will see him again any time soon.

- Dial M goes out in a very ironic way. How he killed many others before him, He is taken down by a thrown weapon. our second MVP is now fertiliser.

- BooWoo manages to kill three raiders! and survive the onslaught, BooWoo is the MVP of this disaster, killing the final raider allowing us to patch together what we have.

- Bumblino Survives. Farmer boy isnt that remarkable other than surviving, which is pretty remarkable lmao.

- Hugbox Kommissar manages to hold the lines, however dies to bloodloss. Rip, so close to the end too.

But hold on, what happened to myself and Disc? well funny you should ask. We fucking sprinted off into the sunset. We should have kept going, because myself outside of game, being the wrathful god that I am decided that I would rather see you do something useful. I bring them both back in. I don't particularly care about my character, I am killed, rightly so. Disc However makes up for his cowardice. He returns to hold off one of the boys, only to have his head removed. A shameful display.

BooWoo - 6
Kane Lives - 12 (5 decapitations)
J666 - 3
Dial M - 6
Barbarus - 4
Disc - 2
Bad Gateway - 6
Bumblino - 6
Hugbox Kommissar - 3
Looney Troons - 4

Now coming out of that disaster, Bumble is in absolute despair, seeing so many of his friends slain, knowing that his performance was so shockingly bad retreats into his mind. That is where he hears a voice in the depths who calls himself Davkul.....
 

Disc

the crustiest of video games
kiwifarms.net
After the unfortunate events of the last episode in which @Disc managed to lose his head...

Disc However makes up for his cowardice. He returns to hold off one of the boys, only to have his head removed.

1614441572287.png


Guess I'll need to use something stronger than staples next time.

In all seriousness, could we get something like a status update on the team's stats screen, or an explanation of what the stats are? I just sort of look at it and nod.
 

Barbarus

VAE VICTIS!
kiwifarms.net
In all seriousness, could we get something like a status update on the team's stats screen, or an explanation of what the stats are? I just sort of look at it and nod.
Yeah this time round I will get into more depth, it will be a bit slower on the updates in this thread, but I will do accuracy tallies for ranged, damage, injury and kill/death shit. Ill also get a few more Screenshots to add a bit of flair to the posts. Im gonna play seriously this time around too. Keeping the roles the same of course, Ill probably take more care in choosing who is who when it comes to stats and such.
 

Kane Lives

Peace through power
kiwifarms.net
View attachment 1954897

Guess I'll need to use something stronger than staples next time.

In all seriousness, could we get something like a status update on the team's stats screen, or an explanation of what the stats are? I just sort of look at it and nod.

Yeah this time round I will get into more depth, it will be a bit slower on the updates in this thread, but I will do accuracy tallies for ranged, damage, injury and kill/death shit. Ill also get a few more Screenshots to add a bit of flair to the posts. Im gonna play seriously this time around too. Keeping the roles the same of course, Ill probably take more care in choosing who is who when it comes to stats and such.
As long as OP pastes the stats somewhere convenient, I can also help explain what they all do.

A more serious game would likely be a slower one too, and I think it's a good idea to just summarise the uneventful battles. (Things like massacring a bunch of poor barb thralls past the early game are certainly not glamorous.)
 

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