idk the Message? Plain simple english. There's sets out there of Johnny Cash reading the entire NKJV New Testament. If its good enough for the man in black, good enough for anyone.
The NIV is what I'd recommend. Plain, simple English. The King James version has a poetic quality to it, but can be somewhat cumbersome if you're not in the right mood.
As for an audio version, I can't recommend J. Vernon McGee's Thru The Bible series high enough. He did a fantastic job going through all 66 books and applying a sort of simple, folksy interpretation.
With most things involving philosophy, religion, or politics, there is no one end all be all. Read the apocrypha and associated works, read different translations, read criticisms of both. Religion for Breakfast and Robert Sepehr's works are a decent place for entry level information in this regard. It should get the ol' almonds charged and primed for further exploration.
As long as it's not the Schofield, or however you spell it you won't go wrong. NIV is an easier way to start. Reading multiple is good to get more angles on the point being expressed.
You should choose a version (I think it's more accurate to say "version" than "translation" as many available versions of the Bible are based on English source material and are more re-phrasings than translations) of the Bible according to your purpose.
If you're interested in accurately understanding the text as it was written, no one source will do. The books we collectively call the Bible come from multiple authors and were originally written in multiple languages. What's accepted as the "best" or "most accurate" translation has changed over millennia. Ex: Look up the Septuagint or the Wikipedia article on the history of Bible translations. I recommend a version that includes annotations, such as the New Oxford Annotated Bible (NRSV); this version is considered good enough for intro-level religion courses.
If you're interested in literary merit and/or cultural understanding, you really must go with the King James Version. Instead of giving you my take I'll link you to a piece that puts it eloquently.
If you're interested in religious enlightenment, pick the trash of your choosing: NIV, NKJV, JST, etc.
Old and New King James. IIRC there's a dude named Strong or something that has a metric fudge-ton of references for reading them too in order to get more history on things. I think I heard Francis Weymouth (spell check) being a help as well. I'd have all of them just in case.
I'm a faggot and read the King James, but really, any versions that state the matters concisely are good. I own a KJ bible, but I also have a NKJ, NIV, and ESV- out of all these I'd probably say the New King James and English Standard Version are easiest to understand. I'm a big fan of study bibles, too- you shouldn't take their side notes and analyses as gospel, but they're great food for thought!