Careercow Bob "MovieBob" Chipman - Obese Fascist Eugenics-Loving Elitist Consooming Pop Culture Critic with a Mario & MCU Fetish Leading us to a Superior Future!

  • Order for the new server will be going in ASAP. Performance will be rocky until then (rip).

How will Bob spend the rest of the year?

  • Getting roasted by other lefties due to his genocidal insanity

  • Learning to code

  • Learning Mandarin Chinese

  • Poisoning himself with his cooking

  • Getting fired from The Escapist

  • Losing his legs to diabetes

  • Registering an account on Kiwi Farms

  • Your choice (Please describe in detail)


Results are only viewable after voting.

BScCollateral

kiwifarms.net
Spoilered because it is almost off topic, but I don't think it is.

In the 1970s there was a Japanese TV series about a guy in a rubber suit pretending to be a robot who fought evil. This particular show was called Kikaider, and one of his archenemies was his evil counterpart, the Hakaider.

In 1994, a gritty reboot was made about the adventures of the Hakaider, with the hilarious title Mechanical Violator Hakaider which sounds like a Red Letter Media character.

It is an SF post-apocalypse superhero retelling of Paradise Lost., complete with God played like Michael Jackson. I shit you not.

I have no idea if the Hakaider in the original series is true to its personality in the film, but Honi soit qui mal y pense.
 

Karl_der_Grosse

GG Allin once threw his poop at me.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
All of this, and an absolute zero percent chance Bob has ever actually read the original Paradise Lost. Maybe some bowdlerized class notes version, but I doubt even that. The language and concepts would have been far beyond his comprehension. It would frustrate and bore him. Whatever he thinks he knows about it is whatever scraps of pop knowledge are out there floating in the ether.
 

Mola Ram

Self Righteous Ego Bastard Asshole
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
So Carol is Bob's self-insert in this fic, right?
Nah, the self-insert is clearly Grumpy Bear. "World-weary," likes technology, a loner, sick of everyone else's positive attitudes. Total Bob. I guess he really is a bear.

I could also see him planning to have a cameo as the Bill Hicks-ish standup comedian who of course totally belongs in a theoretical Care Bears movie. Oh God, did Bob try to be a standup comic once upon a time? I can totally picture it.

All of this, and an absolute zero percent chance Bob has ever actually read the original Paradise Lost. Maybe some bowdlerized class notes version, but I doubt even that. The language and concepts would have been far beyond his comprehension. It would frustrate and bore him. Whatever he thinks he knows about it is whatever scraps of pop knowledge are out there floating in the ether.
Cliff's Notes or Wikipedia at best. Maybe he was taught it senior year in high school, but that suggests he was in an honors or AP class, and I kind of doubt that. Either way, his most in depth experience with it was probably the Star Trek episode "Space Seed."

Casting Grumpy Bear in the role of Satan is truly exceptional, though.
 

Judge Dredd

Senior Layout Artist
kiwifarms.net
Not sure if Bob knows the difference between a good movie or spank bank. I'm thinking he only likes the Harley Quinn movie because he feverishly knuckle slams his slug dumpling to Margot Robbie.
He does, but he made the argument that seeing a film because it's got a hot scene is no different than seeing a film for a good action scene.

It's a fair point, you know what they say about broken clocks. Films like Basic Instinct and American Pie show there's something to that. I'll defend Bob more and say that it's okay that Bob likes femdom Nazi movies.

Like most of Bob's beliefs, it falls apart when it goes from love to hate. I remember Bob called the woman in Transformers movies (I think it was Megan Fox) a talentless walking real doll. It's okay for Bob to fap to Black Swan, Sucker Punch, She Wolf of the SS, or whatever Mario fanfiction is on his hard drive because they push his buttons, but don't you dare get a boner watching Megan Fox lean over in tight jeans in Transformers or play Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 to watch giant tits flopping about or you're a bad person.

If Bob really wants a "Cars shrunken down and confused for Hot Wheels" movie, he could have the cars be highly technologically advanced spacecar weapons that get shrunken down by a group of evil spies who burst into the laboratory where they were developed with the intent to steal them and smuggle them out of the country. A few of the scientists who worked on the space cars get shrunken down by accident, and they hop in the now shrunken spacecars and drive them away, escaping the evil spies. Once out on the street, the shrunken supercars run into a small boy who mistakes them for Hot Wheels, scoops them up and takes them home. It's up to the teeny scientists to escape from the boy, find more fuel to power their supercars (they had to use it all up in their escape attempt,) and find a way to get the cars to the authorities and restored to their regular size before the evil spies track them down. There. You now have a premise for a throwaway kids movie based on a toy franchise. The whole thing could be 3-D animated by Illumination for a song. Yer welcome. I want ten percent of the take from the toy sales in exchange for this idea.
You inspired me to make my own.
Don't make a movie.
 
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The Littlest Shitlord

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I could also see him planning to have a cameo as the Bill Hicks-ish standup comedian who of course totally belongs in a theoretical Care Bears movie. Oh God, did Bob try to be a standup comic once upon a time? I can totally picture it.
That would end... badly. "What do you get when cross a diabetic genius movie critic with a society that is run by obsolete mayonnaise ghouls and steals his Superior Future? I'll tell you what you get, friendo. You get what you fucking deserve!"
 

Jack Awful

Laughs at Tards
kiwifarms.net
Robert loves advertising
View attachment 1142200
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Epic games store lost a customer
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Globohomo will defeat DEATH ITSELF
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Products/media that really push the fact they're progressive in marketing usually suck.

Not because of the progressive content, but because the marketing department knows they have a stinker and are preemptively doing damage control. They try to make people buy their product out of political obligation because it's not good and no one would otherwise.
 

Lensherr

kiwifarms.net
Globohomo will defeat DEATH ITSELF
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Remember Bob’s tweet about the Mayonnaise Ghouls stealing the future he “earned” where he talked about how if it wasn’t for them, he’d be uploading his immortal conscience into a robot body? Well the way he mentions overcoming death in this one reminds me of that, and lends credence to the theory that I and others have postulated on here that at least part of Bob’s desire for a Star Trek-style utopia stems from the belief that such a future will alleviate him of any health issues that he’s facing. Which begs the question, at what point did Bob’s Superior Future sperging really take off, because he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2015 IIRC and it wouldn’t surprise me if there was a connection there.
 

Benisbro

kiwifarms.net
No coherent thoughts, huh?


God damn I love the “Care-adise Lost” script, so quintissentially Robert. The big sperg orgasm of “epic marvel moments,” enlightened atheism, cringy self-inserts.
And of course, completely misunderstanding the pop culture he’s frankensteining togther. Being too exceptional and forward-thinking to get the fucking Care Bears
 

Pokemonquistador2

Electric Boogaloo
kiwifarms.net
He does, but he made the argument that seeing a film because it's got a hot scene is no different than seeing a film for a good action scene.

It's a fair point, you know what they say about broken clocks. Films like Basic Instinct and American Pie show there's something to that. I'll defend Bob more and say that it's okay that Bob likes femdom Nazi movies.

Like most of Bob's beliefs, it falls apart when it goes from love to hate. I remember Bob called the woman in Transformers movies (I think it was Megan Fox) a talentless walking real doll. It's okay for Bob to fap to Black Swan, Sucker Punch, She Wolf of the SS, or whatever Mario fanfiction is on his hard drive because they push his buttons, but don't you dare get a boner watching Megan Fox lean over in tight jeans in Transformers or play Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 to watch giant tits flopping about or you're a bad person.


You inspired me to make my own.
Don't make a movie.
You know they will eventually, because every vintage kids franchise has to be milked in an age when every studio wants to bank on IPs with a built in audience. The point is, even souless cashgrabs like this will have more thought put into them by their studio writers, than Bob puts into his own creations. Even that awful Battleship movie, that slime molds could see was a horrible mistake just by looking at the trailer alone, had a better story than whatever Bob could have come up with. He'd probably would have had the Battleship fleet be filled with MAGA loving redneck soldiers who'd purposefully shoot down a saucer full of big-eyed alien immigrant children, and the surviving alien children would have to band together to take out the evil military fleet. The ending battle would occur onboard an aircraft carrier where Donald Trump was giving a big "Mission Accomplished" speech complete with banner that would be destroyed in slow motion by a band of aliens dressed like Antifa members. The aliens would win and use their technology to create a borderless world where men like Bob could teleport to chintzy, overpriced urban steakhouses located thousands of miles away from their Manhattanized, moon-wheat growing home towns.
 

A Random

All aboard the Loco Express!
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Spoilered because it is almost off topic, but I don't think it is.

In the 1970s there was a Japanese TV series about a guy in a rubber suit pretending to be a robot who fought evil. This particular show was called Kikaider, and one of his archenemies was his evil counterpart, the Hakaider.

In 1994, a gritty reboot was made about the adventures of the Hakaider, with the hilarious title Mechanical Violator Hakaider which sounds like a Red Letter Media character.

It is an SF post-apocalypse superhero retelling of Paradise Lost., complete with God played like Michael Jackson. I shit you not.

I have no idea if the Hakaider in the original series is true to its personality in the film, but Honi soit qui mal y pense.
Hakaider is originally the brain of Kikaider's creator put in a robot by the badguy who wanted to make Kikaider unable to kill him, and later became the badguy's robot body for a sequel series. He was always edgy.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
kiwifarms.net
All this talk of Hot Wheels: The Movie tickled something in the back of my brain. Didn't they try to cash in on a movie before? Or was that back in the Berenstein timeline?

Thankfully I wasn't losing my mind, they did try a (series!) of hotwheels movies and they were all trash.

To be fair, a racing movie set in a massive, heavily urbanized sci-fi world could be an interesting popcorn flick. The problem would be dissociating it from the Hot Wheels brand. Hot Wheels has brand recognition, but utilizing it would make the movie seem like more of a soulless cash grab and/or a 90 minute toy advertisement, instead of a fun summer flick.
Then again, I'm probably reading too much into this.
But what makes this funny to me is we're coming up with these wild movie ideas that are head and shoulders above Bob's. The reason they are is because we're not being pretentious. We're not pretending these silly movie ideas are anything other than that: silly. We don't try to make them seem like something more than what they are.
Robert Chipman, He of the Moving Pictures, on the other hand, takes his asinine ideas and actually presents them seriously, and if you don't get it it's because you're a small-brained, inbred mayonnaise wasteland ghoul. He tries to present his autistic vomit as something deep and insightful. To go back to the original idea that started it all: I agree, he likely hasn't read Paradise Lost. He references it because it makes him seem smarter than he really is, while any casual glance at the media he chooses for consooming tells the real story.
I think Bob has some self-awareness. I think he does know he's an uneducated, ignorant nobody, and is just presenting an illusion to convince people otherwise.
(Edited for clarity)
 

mandatorylurk

kiwifarms.net
It is getting harder to read Bob's tweets. Not in the SJW moonwheat sense, but how grammatically shit they are. It's a common thing for lefties to rattle on with buzzwords and make it seem like "more words means more evidence that I'm right," but when you mix that with Bob's autistic need to one up everyone and EMPHASIZE words I feel like I'm having a stroke looking at his tweets.
 

Drifting Panzer

Coomers are the plauge of the internet
kiwifarms.net
I like that Bob's brain only perceives and creates things based around existing brands.

He's like Chris Chan.
Those two have a lot in common, atleast on a surface level. They both are incredibly narcissistic, insert themselves everywhere and have a fantasy where they are important (Chris is a goddess in a alternate dimension that will merge with ours and Bob will travel the galaxy with his brain downloaded in a robot body). Also, they are both afraid of exercise and eating healthy.