He was gonna do it already, that's the mindset he was in when he first contacted Null. This was a way to convince himself he made one last ditch effort with his life and to justify his death.
The part that really bothers me is the screencap where he said he was unhappy because all he had was programming. You don't just start out good at things, he was only good at programming because he spent so much time on it for so many years. Even if you have a knack for something, the initial lack of knowledge is a real hurdle and you can't get discouraged because you aren't a master at something after a week of barely working on it and watching one basic tutorial. But if you don't know that you might just assume you're worthless, you're nothing. No matter how much positive reinforcement you get from strangers for what you're good at, all you'll think about is what you can't do yet because the good things "don't matter", and the tiny fraction of people scattered across the internet who think you're cringey but probably still respect your work anyways. Then you spend years not doing anything because trying seems like a waste of time making it harder to convince yourself to start, and afterwards assume it's all over because you didn't try. Completely forgetting that you have so many more years left. 70 year olds can learn to paint beautifully and reconnect with their long estranged family, yet so many people in their twenties and thirties just give up. Isolation and self doubt is deadly. Running away to Japan surely made the former worse which in turn exacerbated the latter. I've seen it before (except the Japan thing people usually just flee to another state thinking things will get better).
I can't possibly respect a man who threatens someone with suicide, that's peak cowardice whether he was in a lucid state of mind or not, but I still hope it turns out he faked this like other internet cowards. I hope he learns something positive from it and starts to take himself and his life seriously. You can't be helped unless you're willing to help yourself, which does NOT involve DIY hormones and running away from your life.
The part that really bothers me is the screencap where he said he was unhappy because all he had was programming. You don't just start out good at things, he was only good at programming because he spent so much time on it for so many years. Even if you have a knack for something, the initial lack of knowledge is a real hurdle and you can't get discouraged because you aren't a master at something after a week of barely working on it and watching one basic tutorial. But if you don't know that you might just assume you're worthless, you're nothing. No matter how much positive reinforcement you get from strangers for what you're good at, all you'll think about is what you can't do yet because the good things "don't matter", and the tiny fraction of people scattered across the internet who think you're cringey but probably still respect your work anyways. Then you spend years not doing anything because trying seems like a waste of time making it harder to convince yourself to start, and afterwards assume it's all over because you didn't try. Completely forgetting that you have so many more years left. 70 year olds can learn to paint beautifully and reconnect with their long estranged family, yet so many people in their twenties and thirties just give up. Isolation and self doubt is deadly. Running away to Japan surely made the former worse which in turn exacerbated the latter. I've seen it before (except the Japan thing people usually just flee to another state thinking things will get better).
I can't possibly respect a man who threatens someone with suicide, that's peak cowardice whether he was in a lucid state of mind or not, but I still hope it turns out he faked this like other internet cowards. I hope he learns something positive from it and starts to take himself and his life seriously. You can't be helped unless you're willing to help yourself, which does NOT involve DIY hormones and running away from your life.
