Change 3 Moments in Lolcow History -

[The Last Stand]

Chris Chan didn't troon out.

Yaniz was never born.

DSP and LTG agreed to the Street Fighter tournament and raged like typical.

 

[AMERICA]

1. Terry doesn't hurt his relationship with his parents and become homeless (and thus doesn't die; can continue making content from his home)
2. Fedsmoker doesn't die.
3. JustinRPG doesn't get bullied so hard, continues posting all of his content and not just the trickle we have access to now.

There. Now we will have an infinite wellspring of content from the more light-hearted lolcows.

Bonus: Snakething and the other zoosadists are spontaneously miscarried as fetuses

 

[Tim Buckley]

1) likeicare never GTFO of Kiwi Farms
2) m00t never became a cuck and sold 4chan to the feds/glowies
3) @autisticdragonkin never influenced half of the "Deep Thoughts" windowlickers.
3) @Null got a fulfilling job and a nice relationship with a supportive girlfriend.

 

[Emotional Prolapse]

1. Terry never dies. Saddest moment in lolcow history tbh.

2. Susan Schofield never gets pregnant.
(2.5 Gwen Hartley never gets pregnant with the girls/they're born without whatever the fuck it was they had.)

3. Salon lady agrees to wax Yaniv, tars and feathers his nethers instead, then he slips on a stolen tampon and breaks his neck as he attempts to flee the premises.

Listen, a girl can dream.

 

[Punished Benis]

1. Terry lived.
2. Robert Wayne Stiles came to the Farms to throw his bathsalt tantrums, not /cow/.
3. @Heretics on Holiday got halaled and showed bobs and vagene before she got v&.

 

[Leonard Helplessness]

1. Every fucking retard who ever tried to become a main character in a lolcow’s personal life wakes up in a giant cage, holding a rusty kitchen utensil.
2. A recorded announcement plays, informing the cage’s occupants that the last one alive is the one who will be released.
3. The lights go out.

 

[Old Man Mario]

1.) A young Ethan Ralph has positive role models and grows up to be a hard working middle class gentleman and a member of the local Elks club in good standing.
2.) Dax never meets Maddox. Dax eventually owns a sports bar in Iowa and Maddox fades into internet history.
3.) The Quartering never discovers MTG and instead collects pogs. He dies in a freak accident where a metal slammer bounces off a stack and hits him in the temple.

 

[Canine with Fangs]

1.Chris chan didn't fall in with the trannies
2.Cosmo didn't fall in with the trannies
3.Boogie shot frank castle right between the eyes on live stream

 

[death of chans]

help terry
help fedsmoker
kill nick bates

 

[Autisticats]

1) Kadeelyn Konstantino doesn’t OD on heroin from her drug dealer friend (rip my fave cow)

2) Bluespike wasn’t a fag

3) Luna’s mum kicks her and lurch to the curb

 

[JuanButNotForgotten]

I'll skip Terry, because, let's be honest, we all want it.

1) Ethan Ralph keeps his t-shirt tucked-in in Knoxville. Gunt meme doesn't appear and his thread is still readable to this day. He fucks somewhere else though.

2) Chloe Sagal doesn't burn herself and Null doesn't flee USA, which leads to...

3) Null says "fuck it" and drags @Bryan Dunn's ass to court for C&D violation, which results in a shitshow, that makes Greer and Onision trials look like an episode of "Law and Order". Bryan loses and then for years screams, that it was a set-up and judge was probably some z-eceleb, who had a problem with him.

4) Tonkasaw gets so high of oxy pills, that he actually visits Knoxville. The resulting MMA match is terrible, but the amount of memes is just incomprehensible. Whoever loses, we win.

5) Mister Metokur doesn't get cancer, even though he knew he will.

6) Chris doesn't try to run over Snyder and saves money that Bob left him. I don't know why, probably, because I wanna see how quickly he would've wasted it.

Yes, I'm a fraud, sorry.

 

[Troonos]

1) CWC never got talked into the whole tomgirl/tranny thing. Aside from the Blarms Crusade, his content has been so boring since all that started.

2) DSP never broke up with PandaLee. Khet might as well be imaginary. Leanna was way out of his age range, was publicly insane to a cringeworthy degree, and would've given us a much more visibly dysfunctional relationship to laugh at.

3) The train that hit Terry derailed before it ever reached him.

 

[Bookmark Cuck]

1: Sonics arms turn red instead of blue.
2: Captainzack Grooms DSP, Pig roach leaves Pandalee for boipussy
3: DIE NUL DIE

 

[Coleslaw]

I only have one thing I'd want to change.

Terry didn't die.

Why was he ever listed as a lolcow?

 

[TheImportantFart]

1. Trolls don't vandalise Campbell Morton's wiki and cause him to flee the internet.
2. Sargon actually gets elected to the EU Parliament as part of UKIP and we get to see him making a fool of himself trying to navigate IRL politics.
3. ABoatsABoat doesn't completely vanish off the face of the Earth (it was toss up between this and Alexander Gordon Jahans not DFEing, but at least most of Jahans's stuff is archived).

 

[Termina]

1. Yanderedev was never homeschooled.
2. Yanderedev never showed his code to Mike Z.
3. Yanderedev hired a prostitute instead of buying sex dolls.

 

[JuanButNotForgotten]

Why was he ever listed as a lolcow?

This is very strange question.

 

[Sage In All Fields]

1. Sargon becomes a video game analysis YouTuber after GamerGate
2. Milo never hears about GamerGate
3. Shoe0nHead starts a YouTube house with Boxxy

 

[RussianParasite]

1. Trump retweets something about Gamergate.

2. The dimensional merge was actually imminent.

3. Null moved to North Korea instead of Eastern Europe. Think Dennis Rodman but instead it's the internet and not basketball.

 

[Boris Blank's glass eye]

1. Tonka and KKK Grand Dragon Andy "Race"Warski do have their fight, which Andy wins. He leaves Youtube and starts a new career in MMA only to get his shit kicked in by either Michael Page or Jon Jones.

2. John Walker Flynt does get elected.

3. H3H3 never gain relevance.