Chef Amberlynn and her creations - Post about her food creations or recipes here!

SAVE TWINKIE!

Supervisor
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
After reading the OP I must admit I don't really understand the point of this thread, is it just about that one turkey chili she made? I think you should broaden your focus because it's a good idea to have a general thread to refer people to when they start sperging out and derailing other threads with food discussion, much of which is borderline powerleveling. The title of your thread does seem to reflect this concept, but in the actual OP it seems like you're telling people to just discuss the turkey chili(??), so I don't get it.
 

Moonpie

Ride the Lightening
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I think the only thing Hambeast cares about is quantity over quality.
Shoveling as much slop into that gaping maw as fast as she can to get full.
and to keep others from eating it.
foodagressionlynn.
 
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JambledUpWords

Y’all are attracted to me, lez be real here
True & Honest Fan
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There are so many great varieties of meat Al could use to cook with, but it’s always the same chicken/turkey meats. Just because you use chicken or turkey in a meal doesn’t mean it’s automatically healthier. Her “dieting” tips she has are so outdated.
 

Situation Type Deal Gorl

Fuck your feelings, nancypants
kiwifarms.net
She's too lazy to look up recipes and/or follow them. For someone who shoves everything down that hole in her face, she certainly is picky about food.

One other thing: she needs instant (or almost so) gratification. Her buying brown rice in a bag for the microwave, and saying she knows everyone is telling her to make her own rice, but "it takes time". What she wants people to believe is that it somehow takes her time to learn a "recipe" for cooking basic rice. What it really means is that she doesn't want to have to wait 25 minutes or so for white rice or (horrors) up to 45 minutes for brown rice to cook on the stove, even if she has to prep and cook other things, like that stir fry monstrosity and could get the rice going before doing those things. It's just laziness.
 

GargoyleGorl

Token SJW
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Is there a reason why you can't use the existing thread? https://kiwifarms.net/threads/chef-amberlynn-and-her-creations.40051/
After reading the OP I must admit I don't really understand the point of this thread, is it just about that one turkey chili she made? I think you should broaden your focus because it's a good idea to have a general thread to refer people to when they start sperging out and derailing other threads with food discussion, much of which is borderline powerleveling. The title of your thread does seem to reflect this concept, but in the actual OP it seems like you're telling people to just discuss the turkey chili(??), so I don't get it.
I think I fixed the OP. Thank you for the input (for real).
 

The Jokester

Beat me Daddy, I've been good.
kiwifarms.net
Her soup cooking today triggered me. No soup should look like this:
View attachment 1036741
She needs to learn how to add things in order and go easier on things like salt, onion powder, garlic salt, onions and garlic. For how much garlic she puts in her food, you’d think she was trying to ward off vampires.
To be fair, her blood must be like Mountain Dew for Vampires
 

Whatthefuck

kiwifarms.net
After reading the OP I must admit I don't really understand the point of this thread, is it just about that one turkey chili she made? I think you should broaden your focus because it's a good idea to have a general thread to refer people to when they start sperging out and derailing other threads with food discussion, much of which is borderline powerleveling. The title of your thread does seem to reflect this concept, but in the actual OP it seems like you're telling people to just discuss the turkey chili(??), so I don't get it.
Well if we had a mod we could have this one merged into the thread mentioned above so we could sperg out on the next noxious creation she presents us with.
 
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Stoneheart

kiwifarms.net
One other thing: she needs instant (or almost so) gratification. Her buying brown rice in a bag for the microwave, and saying she knows everyone is telling her to make her own rice, but "it takes time". What she wants people to believe is that it somehow takes her time to learn a "recipe" for cooking basic rice. What it really means is that she doesn't want to have to wait 25 minutes or so for white rice or (horrors) up to 45 minutes for brown rice to cook on the stove, even if she has to prep and cook other things, like that stir fry monstrosity and could get the rice going before doing those things. It's just laziness.
Ricecooker do that on their own....
 

Agoraphobic Bullshit

The Town Crier and Boozehound
kiwifarms.net
She's too lazy to look up recipes and/or follow them. For someone who shoves everything down that hole in her face, she certainly is picky about food.

One other thing: she needs instant (or almost so) gratification. Her buying brown rice in a bag for the microwave, and saying she knows everyone is telling her to make her own rice, but "it takes time". What she wants people to believe is that it somehow takes her time to learn a "recipe" for cooking basic rice. What it really means is that she doesn't want to have to wait 25 minutes or so for white rice or (horrors) up to 45 minutes for brown rice to cook on the stove, even if she has to prep and cook other things, like that stir fry monstrosity and could get the rice going before doing those things. It's just laziness.
Even Minute Rice would be an improvement since it isn't packed with sodium and other stuff like that bagged rice. But then she'd have to measure out rice and water and that's just too much work for food.
 

MaoBigDong

Pamela Swain Gave Me Ass Cancer
kiwifarms.net
Her soup cooking today triggered me. No soup should look like this:
View attachment 1036741
She needs to learn how to add things in order and go easier on things like salt, onion powder, garlic salt, onions and garlic. For how much garlic she puts in her food, you’d think she was trying to ward off vampires.
This “soup” made me fucking gag. Slight PL, but once upon a time I worked in a kitchen and at the end of the night this is what the bottom of the dish sink would look like after being drained. If any of AL’s dishes described her best it would be this fucking soup; chunky, bland, and loaded with sodium. It’s like she says“oh I want turkey today, but I also want potatoes, and I also want salsa... but I’m sick so I need soup” and then she has the bright idea to mash them all together in some unholy abomination.

I don’t think this woman has ever read a recipe in her life. I don’t think she’s aware that there are seasonings other than garlic powder and onion powder (mrs dash does not count as a seasoning). She complains about the sodium in a can of fucking green beans then dumps sodium in the form of a broth in her soup.

She could have easily made an actually decent “Hispanic style” baked potato with a little chili powder, salt, and lime on that bland ass turkey, sautéed green pepper and onions, made some fresh salsa with the diced tomato, some chopped onion, cilantro, and lime, all topped off with sour cream and tapatio so it’s ~spicy~. It would take just as much time as it took to prepare that horrid soup and it would look and probably taste better with little to no effort at all. Her cooking drives me insane.
:stress:
 

GargoyleGorl

Token SJW
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
If I were forced to cook with the ingredients for today's repulsive bowl of sadness, this is what I'd do:

Go ahead and microwave the potato, gorl. You know you wanna.

While that's happening, put a spoonful of oil in a pan. Cook the onions and peppers until they get soft. Add the chicken. Brown it up. Add a little salt (not the garlic variety).

Take that out of the pan with a slotted spoon. Add a bit more oil if necessary (probably won't be). Cut the potato into slices, or smash it up into a semi-mashed state. Crisp that up in the oil that's already got the flavors of the peppers and onions built right in.

If you must serve it in a bowl, put the chicken mixture on top of the potato, sprinkle with cheese, and add hot sauce. Don't microwave it again to melt the cheese -- or if you do, don't blast it until it's overcooked and miserable with clouds of steam pouring off the top.

If the layered bowl idea is actually optional, serve it on a plate (bonus points if you replace the mystery meat paste with actual chicken breasts you've pan-roasted with the onions and peppers). Or maybe try making a hash out of the potatoes and other stuff if you really can't be bothered with plating things separately. If you go that route, instead of cheese you could throw an ayg on top if you're not feeling too allergic today.

Voila. Edible food. Not gourmet by any stretch, but rendered edible with very very basic kitchen skills.
 

Situation Type Deal Gorl

Fuck your feelings, nancypants
kiwifarms.net
Iron Chef, Kiwi Edition

Can I be allowed a +1 ingredient? Does it matter? I'm gonna do what I want anyhow.

Taco Potato Souffle

1 large potato, boiled or (better) baked, peeled, and mashed
2 aaygs
2 tbs butter (for the ramekins)
1/2 medium onion, diced
1 fresh jalapeno or six slices of pickled jalapeno, minced either way
1 cup leftover taco chicken goop
1 cup grated fiesta or Mexican cheese mix
1 tbs butter, melted (for the soufflé)
4 tbs melk, at room temperature
1/4 tsp freshly ground pepper
Bread crumbs

Put an ungreased baking pan in the oven and preheat the oven to 450F
Bust out four ramekins. Butter them, then coat with breadcrumbs and set aside.

Separate the eggs. Add the cheese, egg yolks, chicken, and pepper to the mashed potatoes, then stir to combine. Add the melk and the butter to the mixture, and stir to combine again.

Beat the egg whites until they form stiff peaks. Gently fold the egg whites into the potato mixture.

Divide the mixture between the four ramekins, and put them in the oven on the baking pan.

Cook for about 15-18 minutes until they have puffed up and are GBD.

*Note, I have no idea if this will actually work, but I think it should, even with the additional heaviness of the chicken. If anyone is bold enough to try it, let us know how it goes.
 

Moonpie

Ride the Lightening
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Even Minute Rice would be an improvement since it isn't packed with sodium and other stuff like that bagged rice. But then she'd have to measure out rice and water and that's just too much work for food.
Minute Rice now has a Jasmine rice that is actually pretty good.
You're right. Measuring out the correct water and rice is too much work for her.
 

C3PBRO

YOUR AND IDIOT
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
It's Christmas time, a time for family and sharing. Today we'll be cooking a recipe steeped in familial tradition, and close to Hamber's heart, courtesy of her very own great grand-mama, passed down by her mama. She's got her own life going on. She's homeless. It's all part of her journey, y'know?

From the Reid family to yours, I present;

You will need;
  • She showed one box in the ingredients but she used two and nothing you say will convince me otherwise.
  • Bag o' scallions.
  • Iconic bacon ("already cooked, THANK GOD").
  • Light soy sauce.
  • Egg whites by the carton.
  • Traditional Portuguese seasoneens a pinch of boxed pepper.
  • A pot of boiling water and an ungreased frying pan, courtesy of Krystle's parents.


Method;
  1. Pour your pasta into the boiling water.
  2. Make sure your pasta is cooked by hurling it at the walls of your girlfriend's parents house.
  3. If the pasta is done, cook it some more anyway, then drain it and put it back on the warm stove to achieve a sticky, dry carb conglomerate.
  4. Fry your egg whites, making sure they don't stick to your pan. You can do this by scraping the fuck out of it with a metal spoon.
  5. Lump your dry as fuck noodle mass onto a festive paper plate.
  6. Dump your dry as fuck eggs onto your dry as fuck noodles.
  7. Sprinkle dry as fuck bacon bits generously onto your dry as fuck eggs and dry as fuck noodles.
  8. Drizzle soy sauce on top. "Not too much." Wouldn't want this meal to exit your body as anything short of an actual brick.
  9. And now for the esteemed Chef's favorite part; sprinkle your meal with the chopped, raw scallions, watching as the cylindrical toppings roll uselessly off the veritable mountain of food and down to the plate like tiny Amberlynns down patio steps.
As the Portuguese say, bom apetite!

Chef Amberlynn said:
For me, this is one of my favorite meals.
Krystle said:
Yeah... it's.... really good...
Now let's never mention it again.
 

DatBepisTho

Cryptid Farmer
kiwifarms.net
Dat latest sodium bomb pesto-feta pasta, tho.
-Thinking of doing something similar for dinner some night, but with chicken and spinach sauteed in the measured pesto before using it as a cream-based sauce for the pasta with a little parm sprinkled on it afterward.
 

Situation Type Deal Gorl

Fuck your feelings, nancypants
kiwifarms.net
It's Christmas time, a time for family and sharing. Today we'll be cooking a recipe steeped in familial tradition, and close to Hamber's heart, courtesy of her very own great grand-mama, passed down by her mama. She's got her own life going on. She's homeless. It's all part of her journey, y'know?

From the Reid family to yours, I present;

You will need;
  • She showed one box in the ingredients but she used two and nothing you say will convince me otherwise.
  • Bag o' scallions.
  • Iconic bacon ("already cooked, THANK GOD").
  • Light soy sauce.
  • Egg whites by the carton.
  • Traditional Portuguese seasoneens a pinch of boxed pepper.
  • A pot of boiling water and an ungreased frying pan, courtesy of Krystle's parents.


Method;
  1. Pour your pasta into the boiling water.
  2. Make sure your pasta is cooked by hurling it at the walls of your girlfriend's parents house.
  3. If the pasta is done, cook it some more anyway, then drain it and put it back on the warm stove to achieve a sticky, dry carb conglomerate.
  4. Fry your egg whites, making sure they don't stick to your pan. You can do this by scraping the fuck out of it with a metal spoon.
  5. Lump your dry as fuck noodle mass onto a festive paper plate.
  6. Dump your dry as fuck eggs onto your dry as fuck noodles.
  7. Sprinkle dry as fuck bacon bits generously onto your dry as fuck eggs and dry as fuck noodles.
  8. Drizzle soy sauce on top. "Not too much." Wouldn't want this meal to exit your body as anything short of an actual brick.
  9. And now for the esteemed Chef's favorite part; sprinkle your meal with the chopped, raw scallions, watching as the cylindrical toppings roll uselessly off the veritable mountain of food and down to the plate like tiny Amberlynns down patio steps.
As the Portuguese say, bom apetite!



Now let's never mention it again.
Another excellent reason for time travel, IMO - to go back and kick grandma's ass so she doesn't make this crime against humanity.
 
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DefCon Dumb

Confronter of Cryptoid Cuntiness
kiwifarms.net
Has AL ever done any holiday baking - gingerbread, shortbread or other festive favorites or does she just buy massive trays of baked goods? Watching her try a cookie or similar recipe would be funny. With 'cooking', you can get away with a lot of recipe adjustments but not so much in baking, if you want an edible result. Measurements are fairly precise for good reasons.
 

Situation Type Deal Gorl

Fuck your feelings, nancypants
kiwifarms.net
Has AL ever done any holiday baking - gingerbread, shortbread or other festive favorites or does she just buy massive trays of baked goods? Watching her try a cookie or similar recipe would be funny. With 'cooking', you can get away with a lot of recipe adjustments but not so much in baking, if you want an edible result. Measurements are fairly precise for good reasons.
I love to bake and would actually watch her try this - something simple, say sugar cookies - directly and without AdBlock. The hilarity factor would be off the charts.
 

a bootiful jung woman

Checkmate, I WHISPER
kiwifarms.net
It's Christmas time, a time for family and sharing. Today we'll be cooking a recipe steeped in familial tradition, and close to Hamber's heart, courtesy of her very own great grand-mama, passed down by her mama. She's got her own life going on. She's homeless. It's all part of her journey, y'know?

From the Reid family to yours, I present;

You will need;
  • She showed one box in the ingredients but she used two and nothing you say will convince me otherwise.
  • Bag o' scallions.
  • Iconic bacon ("already cooked, THANK GOD").
  • Light soy sauce.
  • Egg whites by the carton.
  • Traditional Portuguese seasoneens a pinch of boxed pepper.
  • A pot of boiling water and an ungreased frying pan, courtesy of Krystle's parents.


Method;
  1. Pour your pasta into the boiling water.
  2. Make sure your pasta is cooked by hurling it at the walls of your girlfriend's parents house.
  3. If the pasta is done, cook it some more anyway, then drain it and put it back on the warm stove to achieve a sticky, dry carb conglomerate.
  4. Fry your egg whites, making sure they don't stick to your pan. You can do this by scraping the fuck out of it with a metal spoon.
  5. Lump your dry as fuck noodle mass onto a festive paper plate.
  6. Dump your dry as fuck eggs onto your dry as fuck noodles.
  7. Sprinkle dry as fuck bacon bits generously onto your dry as fuck eggs and dry as fuck noodles.
  8. Drizzle soy sauce on top. "Not too much." Wouldn't want this meal to exit your body as anything short of an actual brick.
  9. And now for the esteemed Chef's favorite part; sprinkle your meal with the chopped, raw scallions, watching as the cylindrical toppings roll uselessly off the veritable mountain of food and down to the plate like tiny Amberlynns down patio steps.
As the Portuguese say, bom apetite!



Now let's never mention it again.
100% she doubled the pasta portion while 'shortening' it.
 
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