Chris, the Movie Business, and "Dating Education"

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The Tape Collector

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So we all know Chris is a virgin right? As in, never having to actually approach a girl and make the actual move on her. Make her feel special, treat her to a drink or so. See, he was like the usual autistic, he just doesn't know how to "open" when he's a master (or rapist) at "closing."

In 1999, he seemed to clamor for "Dating Eduction" seeming to think it was the State's responsibility for him to lose his virginity before High School's end (and trust me, we ALL wished we could have lost our virginity before High School's end). Well, obviously he never got his "Dating Education."

The thing the fat fuck never realized was Dating Eduction actually does exist. It's called Movies! Movies teach us a lot of valuable life lessons, and you really should apply them to your life. Here are a couple I think Chris should watch, maybe he'll understand a thing or two about how you treat a girl.

- American Pie. Yes, yes. He fucked a pie. But this movie is actually a good story, and teaches a lot of good morales in how girls actually feels about things, and how you should never do things to offend her. And despite everything that seems otherwise, girls ARE interested in just fucking a guy too. Just don't depend solely on that. It's also not recommended you keep her waiting, but she will eventually just say "Lets fuck" if she starts getting bored. (thats not good)

- Flashdance. So yeah. This is a movie you really should watch if you've never actually done it at all. The premise is its a girl who works two jobs. A Welder by day, and an exotic dancer by night. She starts a relationship with her boss (who discovered her great dance performance a night on the town, he didn't know she was his Welder) and meanwhile tries to get into a prestigious dance academy. This movie is significant for the Sexy dance scenes, sexy workouts, sexy music, and just downright sexy sexyness. The female lead also learns an important lesson about being grateful for when others want to help you because they care. Sure wish ME MYSELF could do so.

- Streets of Fire. Diane Lane plays the most sexiest woman ever alive in this Action packed movie about an Idol Singer who gets kidnapped and its up to an ex-mercenary to rescue her. This movie just rocks because of Diane Lane being the sexiest woman alive, and the enchanting songs she sings. Plus the movie looks like it takes place in a cross between the 50s and the 80s, so rockin.

So in a nutshell, maybe Chris should start watching more "Dating Education" Movies. Maybe he'll learn about how to treat girls. He could just get these off Netflix you know. He can spend the $8 from the Tugboat, cant he?
 

Mr. 0

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The Tape Collector said:
The thing the fat fuck never realized was Dating Eduction actually does exist. It's called Movies! Movies teach us a lot of valuable life lessons, and you really should apply them to your life. Here are a couple I think Chris should watch, maybe he'll understand a thing or two about how you treat a girl.

He did, they don't, you shouldn't, and he can't fucking interpret that crap past face value, if correctly at all.
 

The Tape Collector

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Mr. 0 said:
The Tape Collector said:
The thing the fat fuck never realized was Dating Eduction actually does exist. It's called Movies! Movies teach us a lot of valuable life lessons, and you really should apply them to your life. Here are a couple I think Chris should watch, maybe he'll understand a thing or two about how you treat a girl.

He did, they don't, you shouldn't, and he can't fucking interpret that crap past face value, if correctly at all.

Sir Crocodile! Sir! Forgive me for I simply didn't know it was you.
 

GFYS

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Perhaps he's calling him a virgin in the figurative sense, that he's never experienced a mutual relationship that became physical?

When I tried to be more normal, I watched a lot of romantic comedies, and I thought they would be of limited service due to all the stupid tropes and plot contrivances used to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Still, I guess it does promote a few common sense elements. Yet, we all know Chris never walks away from a story or real life incident with any lesson that might help him. He wouldn't be where he is today, if he ever learned lessons about being noble, generous, kind, brave, logical, etc.

I'm fairly certain if there was some way young Chris could watch movies of his pitiful future, and be shown EXACTLY what he can do to prevent it, he'd still turn out the same as he is today. The only thing he learns is what bad habit or excuse he can make to do the same thing over and over and over, so he never leaves his lazy comfort zone.
 

Alec Benson Leary

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GFYS said:
Perhaps he's calling him a virgin in the figurative sense, that he's never experienced a mutual relationship that became physical?
Oh hell no. We're not starting up that "cultural virgin" shit again.
 

Surtur

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Alec Benson Leary said:
GFYS said:
Perhaps he's calling him a virgin in the figurative sense, that he's never experienced a mutual relationship that became physical?
Oh hell no. We're not starting up that "cultural virgin" shit again.
This. Chris is a mook for having to give it up to a hooker, but it still counts as a v-card punching.
 

Batman VS Tony Danza

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Don't use romance movies as guides. Those acts to demonstrate unrelenting love in the movies would be considered creepy in the real world. Ever see those montages where the guy tries all sorts of wacky things in an attempt to woo the girl of his dreams? It's called stalking and harassment.

Imagine Chris trying to reinact any popular scene from a romance but in a Chris fashion. Most of those sceraios would end with Chris getting tackled by the cops and possibly charged with arson or vehicular manslaughter. Luckily the women of Ruckersville are safe since Chris is too lazy to be bothered with things like grand romantic gestures or knowing how to maintain an acceptable level of eye contact with the opposite sex... Mmmyeah.
 

Picklemonster

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Outside of some very vague, general ideas anybody that isn't a psychopath can tell you (be kind, loyal, dependable, supportive, etc.), romance fiction is a terrible way to learn about relationships. The very structure of fiction revolving around dramatic tension and distilling stories down to events that further the plot make it completely unlike real life. They portray love as some panacea to all of life's problems and glorify creepy desperation as acts of "true love". They promote emotional and sometimes physical abuse by using it as a cheap source of tension. They never show any kind of convincing awkwardness or uncertainty (furthering the idea that wonderful things just happen) and they don't discuss all the minor changes both people have to make to advance their relationship. On top of all that, most romance fiction is based around sexist ideas that are not only offensive to most modern women, but also not financially sustainable to all that many people these days (and certainly not a lazy, depressed homebody).

If anything, Chris watching too much romance is exactly why he's so maladjusted towards dating.
 

The Tape Collector

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I didn't say DO everything the guy does to wind up with the girl. Of course you don't stalk anyone. But once they do have their relationship, something snags it, and they have to overcome their problem. THAT is the lesson for you to learn.
 

Bgheff

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The thing the fat fuck never realized was Dating Eduction actually does exist. It's called Movies! Movies teach us a lot of valuable life lessons, and you really should apply them to your life. Here are a couple I think Chris should watch, maybe he'll understand a thing or two about how you treat a girl.

For my own sanity, i'll assume you are being sarcastic. At any rate, Chris already uses movies and tv as dating advice. All your post did was tell him to do what he already does. As you can see, it's been working really swell for him.
 

renomakicwc

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Chris used to watch Romantic flicks.. Didn't do him any good.

Also, all the movies you suggested are shit.
 

cypocraphy

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renomakicwc said:
Chris used to watch Romantic flicks.. Didn't do him any good.

Yet he rarely seems to learn from his mistakes.
 

Zap Rowsdower

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Didn't he try to lean in and kiss Emily on their date? That seemed like something he might have picked up from a romance movie. And we all know how that worked out?
 

spaps

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How are any of these movies supposed to help him get a sweetheart? Romantic comedies aren't for learning how to date, they're to watch for shits and giggles. Nothing about dating is those movies is realistic (okay, that's an over-exaggeration). We want him to come back to reality, not drive him away any further!
 

ChurchOfGodBear

He's just this guy, you know?
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BatmanVSTonyDanza said:
Don't use romance movies as guides.

Judging your love life by the standards of romantic comedies is as dumb as judging your sex life by the standards of porn.
 

Alec Benson Leary

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Picklemonster said:
If anything, Chris watching too much romance is exactly why he's so maladjusted towards dating.
Yeah, this. One of the chief defining characteristics of Chris that has been known for a very long time is that he grew up basing his life expectations on what he sees on TV and in video games, and romance comedies are no exception. You'd have to have spent the past few years in a tobacky-insulated cave on the moon to not realize this.
 
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