Christopher Francis McCarty aka "chris the kiwi" - A fat, violently autistic troglodyte, who spends his days living on government subsidies and threatening any women that gives him a modicum of attention

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Still thinks Deez nuts is funny

Christopher Francis McCarty is a 43 year old autistic poet and anti-Semite residing in Australia. Christopher first gained notoriety for his appearance on weekly podcast "The Dick Show" hosted by Dick Masterson when he called in to voice his relationship woes and ask for advice, regarding his relationship with a female prisoner from the USA he unsuccessfully attempted to marry. It was all downhill from here as Chris would frequently call into the show to announce a new disastrous love interest. As you can probably tell Chris suffers from severe autism and lives off government benefits in a public housing facility, he is not to be confused with another infamous Christopher though they do share some striking similarities.

A Bachelor's Woes:
Chris spilled the beans on his multiple attempts at courting women via inmate pen-pal programs (because people still do that in 2019). He was also open to express prior woes with trying to have sexual relations with his cousin
Chris was repeatedly warned that he could end up in prison himself if he tried doing so but Chris was adamant that since his cousin had only blocked him on one Facebook account that perhaps she was still DTF. When Chris was told not to pursue that avenue Chris provided them with his trademark rebuttal: "Well...that's just your opinion."

It's Catfish Season:

After Christopher's magnificent display of virginhood spergs took to the internet to try and take advantage of him via catfishing. One incredible instance of this was a Twitter account belonging to Christina Falso, whose profile picture was a Faceapp gender-swap of Christopher's Facebook profile picture. Even after this tweet proved Chris to be as gullible as he is horny Chris still attempted to confide in Dick that Christina was a real person and the Twitter account simply used her image in scorn.

No less than a week after the Christina Falso incident did Chris' heart (and penis) change direction towards a new love interest; this time in the form of a mysterious individual named Yume who called in to the Dick show to speak with Chris. Chris also submitted a lovely poem to the show titled The Mysterious Woman which was read-aloud on air.

Chris made a Twitter account in June 2019 where he posted often, averaging 13 times a day. When he wasn't spinning woeful paragraphs about Peach Saliva and Dr. Rachel he would share photos of churches, trains, and parks; as well as videos of himself singing. He has since been banned from Twitter. His Facebook activity has steadily dwindled since Summer 2019 and what little interaction he has with the community has been via Discord, though his appearances there are also fleeting.

2020 has seen a resurgence in Christopher's online activity. He has a new Twitter page which has nearly double the posts as his previous one, and he spends a significant amount of time on Discord. His Facebook escapes have remained sparse - he occasionally posts vague and inoffensive remarks to Facebook but he never comments or engages with the community in any other manner.

Chris' Poetry:

The Mysterious Woman:

"The mysterious woman is always on my mind

I think about her a lot

I give her a massage to get her exited and kiss her neck

And lick her snatch until she becomes very wet

She pleasures herself until she can't stand it anymore and begs for me to enter her

Her slippery tight snatch is not big enough to fit my testosterone filled load and the capacity of my balls

I keep her begging for more until there is no semen left

I cuddle her until we both asleep

Until the next morning when we do it all over again

Then the woman can't get enough of me and my attention towards her and she stays with me for days on end"


Due to Christopher's inhibiting autism he is unable to maintain a job, because of this Chris spends his days living on the dole and residing in government housing. In a pathetic attempt to secure funds Chris often turns to Dick or his fans for money. In an especially pathetic attempt for money Chris stared a GoFundMe for $500,000 dollars in an attempt to purchase himself a house. in total he only managed to get $80 dollars from a couple or retards $499,920 away from his goal of owning a house.

When Chris Isn't begging his followers for money he's begging Dick. Sick of appearing on 'The Dick Show' and making an ass out of himself for nothing, Christopher initially requested $500 per appearance on the show, which was quickly bumped up to $1000. these demands were not met.

Chris the kiwi vs Peach Saliva:

Peach Saliva made the mistake of being born a woman when she joined 'the dick show' community, because as soon as Christopher found out she was an attractive woman he immediately started berating her with a slew of rape and death threats, to go so far as to threaten suicide when Peach would not reply.

Peach retaliated by appearing on the final episode of Chris' podcast the 'Chris can't cast' where she proceeded to berate Chris for sending her 10 emails full of threatening and malicious language. Chris' rebutted this claim by saying peach wasn't "see things from [his] perspective". A perspective yet to be shared by anyone else.

Chris the kiwi vs Dr Nurse Rachel
Just like Peach Saliva, Dr Nurse Rachel also made the mistake of being a woman in the Dick show Facebook group. However she made matters worse when she believed she can use her medical knowledge for good and help Chris the Kiwi. what ensued was a feud so autistic it makes my local disability center look like a pre school. Initially everything stated off relatively normal, Chris would regularly chat with Dr Rachel about a slew of random shit no one cares about, at one point Chris obtained a "rare Breast pic" of nurse Rachel.
however the good times don't always last as Dr Nurse Rachel finally decided to cease contact with Christopher. He did not take this lightly. Chris began hurling any insult imaginable towards nurse Rachel (which started the ongoing cut off your finger and tits joke in the TDS community), going out of his way to message her on any social media he could find her on. Rachel and Chris would proceed to both call into The Dick show to grieve about one another. Rachel would reveal that she supposedly contacted the QLD police in order to look into his harassment and use of the internet (Chris denies these claims) as well as to complain about Chris attempt to contact her employers and medical board.

When it seemed like everything was said and done Chris sporadically appeared on TDS episode 156 to proclaim his love for Dr Nurse Rachel. He went on to describe his dream date with her and his plans to fly her out to Australia. when questioned on the feasibility of said plans Chris gave is trademark rebuttal of "that's just your opinion"

Chris the kiwi vs the Government:
Another downside to Chris' perpetual autism is his inability to control anything he says.
Chris has gotten into trouble with the law numerous times due to his frequent and violent threats and stalking.
The first known time Chris the kiwi got involved with the law was due to threatening numerous high school alumni years after Chris graduated. when asked for a reason as to why theses treats were made Chris gave vague responses saying they "bullied him" clearly trying to avoid the question.
Chris went to trial for these threats in the magistrates court in Queensland, he was found guilty of 10 charges including 7 for stalking and 5 with stalking and threats of violence. he was released on bail and ordered to remain off the internet (a court order he broke daily) and a temporary ban from leaving the country.

After this Chris has had 2 more known private interactions with the courts and law enforcement.


  • Chris is a recognized public threat in both his native and host countries of New Zealand and Australia. A Google-search of his phone number (which he has disclosed on multiple occasions) reveals a history of malicious behavior towards various strangers over the years.
  • Chris has multiple tells to indicate whether or not he's lying or if someone has caught him in a lie. Being autistic, Chris often makes small chirps and grunts when Dick or a guest starts to pressure him. He will also interrupt Dick with questions, interjections or non-sequiturs when faced with evidence against his claims of innocence. This usually ends with Chris announcing that he wants to change the subject in order to avoid facing up to his malice.
  • Chris frequently mentions his autism and regularly uses it as a crutch to gain sympathy. He also claims to be suicidal though this admonition is only brought up when a female is "being rude" to him
  • Dick has mentioned that Chris suffers from "a multitude" of mental illnesses possibly including but not limited to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Sociopathy, and Asperger's Syndrome.
  • Chris experiences vocal outbursts when he is amused or exited, some so unusual sounding that Sean the dick show co-host has asked Chris to stop masturbating on the call.
  • Chris hand wrote a letter to President Donald J. Trump in November 2019 asking for amnesty due to alleged mistreatment by the New Zealand and Australian governments.
  • On episode 200 of The Dick Show Chris declared that the COVID-19 pandemic was created by a multinational coalition spearheaded by Bill Gates and Israel to destroy the global economy and enforce global authoritarianism.


Still thinks Deez nuts is funny
Finally submitting this to Lolcow, because I believe this final rendition isn't complete dog shit thanks @Null for fixing some details.

This is at least the 3rd time I've seen you make this thread and one of them is still up with like 20 responses. What the fuck are you doing?
that's prospering grounds mate
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If spooky I must be...
True & Honest Fan
I've made images into thumbnails (not just resized full-size embeds) and removed random font and size changes. @ me when you want it moved out.
@Sped.Nihil you had explicit permission to @ Null. He doesn’t just let anyone do that.
Instead of making a billion threads he’d just move the other one out of PG and into here.


I've completed my analysis. You are a exceptional individual, Sir.
I feel after reading all this that I know Chris. The most disturbing thing for me in this entire post was this line from his poem:

"...And lick her snatch until she becomes very wet...".

I am trying to picture why anyone would lick a dry snatch to begin with, it seems like that would dry one's mouth out and seems like foreplay lacking foreplay. I am not sure if that being hung up on this line says more about me or about Chris.

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A fat, violently autistic troglodyte, who spends his days living on government subsidies and threatening any women that gives him a modicum of attention