Clearing up Christian Misconceptions -

[Smutley]

I'll admit that I spend way more time than I should on these forums. In doing so, I've seen a number of thoughts and beliefs pop up that are often disputed by the main players in this drama like Marvin, or Alec. As an example:

Chris doesn't really give a shit about China. Losing his virginity was just to prove he's STRAIGHT.

Which he got.... from a prostitute of all things. Somehow, virginity seems so much better than having to resort to paying someone to do it.

The real problem was he thought his life would be infinitely better if he got laid.

Spoiler

it didn't

From what I've been reading, Marvin has said a number of times that Chris did it so he wouldn't die a virgin during a hunger strike in prison, that he enjoyed it and that it lived up to expectations but not so much that he's willing to drop on it again. But still these ideas persist about growing up, or proving straightness, or that his life would get better, or he'd be a real man, etc, etc, etc.

The point of this thread is to hopefully have a place where common Christian misconceptions can be addressed and corrected so that there isn't so much wrong information floating about an already fucked up and very interesting subject.

 

[exball]

I thought this was about Christianity for a second.

 

[LordCustos3]

The problem with trying to "correct misconceptions" about Chris is that there is no Right Information.
The "facts" about what Chris may feel or think changes depending on which way the aether winds in his empty head happen to blow at any given moment.

 

[butt in trouble]

Chris never said "no Darkies"

 

[Smutley]

The problem with trying to "correct misconceptions" about Chris is that there is no Right Information.
The "facts" about what Chris may feel or think changes depending on which way the aether winds in his empty head happen to blow at any given moment.

To a degree that's true, but there's a difference between Chris's facts and the real worlds facts. There's also a difference between Chris saying Megan is the queen of trolls and that she was a manipulative bitch, and other people in the know saying "Nah, she was pulled in way above her head."

 

[CatParty]

The opposite of whatever Chris says or believes tends to be the truth.

 

[Stuff and Things]

The opposite of whatever Chris says or believes tends to be the truth.

Emmanuel God put him in a world were he's always wrong and he will never be right... he trapped christian in... the real world.

 

[MrTroll]

Sounds pretty subjective to me. Those other reasons may very well have played some part in Chris's decision to hire a prostitute. Maybe none of them did. Maybe he's so far gone he just wanted to impress Sonichu and the other cartoon characters that he believes he can talk to. None of us can know for certain what's going on in Chris's mind, even if he tells us. In his delusional state, he's an unreliable narrator at best.

 

[LordCustos3]

The opposite of whatever Chris says or believes tends to be the truth.

Emmanuel God put him in a world were he's always wrong and he will never be right... he trapped christian in... the real world.

It reminds me of "Howard the Duck"....the tagline of that series was "Trapped in a World He Never Made!"
which made no sense when talking about a trans-dimentional sentient duck-person....but makes perfect sense when you think about how Chris relates to CWCville (and DOESN'T relate to realityville.)

 

[Spork]

Actually, the fear of dying in prison wasn't his sole reason for sex. All of the "misconceptions" you listed played a part as well. Heck, if he hadn't thought that he could get sex for free from the Wallflower, he was almost certainly going to buy a hooker for his 28th birthday. And before all of that, he kept trying to get the number for the hookers that were sent to his house. Point is, Chris showed an interest in losing his virginity to a hooker long before October 28th, 2011. Compounding all of his usual reasons (be a man, prove straightness, play the game all the grown-ups play, get that thing I want, ect.) was his absolute disgust at being a 30+ year old virgin.

However, what pushed him over the edge was the court case. While we were thoroughly analyzing all potential sentences and learning about how courts actually work IRL, Chris assumed that they worked liked the do on TV. This led him to assume that if he lost, he'd somehow end up in prison and die while attempting a hunger strike. When it became obvious to him that Snyder was going to win, the voice in Chris's head saying "Oh no, I shouldn't buy a hooker, that's illegal!" was struck twice in the knees by the voice saying "FUCK THAT WE'RE GONNA DIE, BUY THE DAMN HOOKER SO YOU DON'T DIE A VIRGIN!".

However, Chris is two things: a cheapskate and a coward. He won't pay for things he can get for free, and he won't risk breaking the law unless he thinks he can get away with it.

 

[Holdek]

Chris did not intentionally hit Snyder with his car.

 

[The Dude]

Chris does not, in fact, talk to Sonichu, Rosechu, Megagi Le Skunk, etc. He is in fact talking to himself.

 

[exball]

Chris does not, in fact, talk to Sonichu, Rosechu, Megagi Le Skunk, etc. He is in fact talking to himself.

You gotta believe!

 

[Tubular Monkey]

Chris is not actually straight, and lives a gay lifestyle with his boyfriend, former N Sync member, Lance Bass.

 

[Coldgrip]

His duck is bigger than previously photographed and is no longer bent .

 

[The Dude]

When Chris went to the prostitute she asked "are you in yet?" Chris started crying because he WAS in. He couldn't finish and left. The Hooker kept the money.

 

[Kyoosand]

The opposite of whatever Chris says or believes tends to be the truth.

Emmanuel God put him in a world were he's always wrong and he will never be right... he trapped christian in... the real world.

It reminds me of "Howard the Duck"....the tagline of that series was "Trapped in a World He Never Made!"
which made no sense when talking about a trans-dimentional sentient duck-person....but makes perfect sense when you think about how Chris relates to CWCville (and DOESN'T relate to realityville.)

The line comes from a poem written by A. E. Housman.

The laws of God, the laws of man,
He may keep that will and can;
Not I: let God and man decree
Laws for themselves and not for me;
And if my ways are not as theirs
Let them mind their own affairs.
Their deeds I judge and much condemn,
Yet when did I make laws for them?
Please yourselves, say I, and they
Need only look the other way.
But no, they will not; they must still
Wrest their neighbour to their will,
And make me dance as they desire
With jail and gallows and hell-fire.
And how am I to face the odds
Of man's bedevilment and God's?
I, a stranger and afraid
In a world I never made.
They will be master, right or wrong;
Though both are foolish, both are strong.
And since, my soul, we cannot fly
To Saturn nor to Mercury,
Keep we must, if keep we can,
These foreign laws of God and man.

 

[BillRiley]

The problem with trying to "correct misconceptions" about Chris is that there is no Right Information.
The "facts" about what Chris may feel or think changes depending on which way the aether winds in his empty head happen to blow at any given moment.

Yes and no. Certain ideas can be tracked as they wind their way through Fat Dummy's muddled little head. His views on prostitution, for instance can dimly be apprehended. He starts out being as four-square against "the oldest profession" as any Baptist preacher:

Chris: And those- Those memories build towards the true love. And honest- in the honest emotions that have to occur during that relationship. Because without the emo- because without the true love and honest emotions, it's just about as meaningless as sex with a prostitute.

{and later...}

Chris: If I just wanted sex I would have hired a prostitute and gotten an STD years ago.
~6 February 2009

It's not just the STD's though! After all, Chris-Ch­an is a sensitive guy. After the Pickle Man whisked Emily out from under Chris's runny nose, he went home only to have three hookers show up on his doorstep. (Btw, does anyone have the audio for this?) After running to his room for a quick cry, he got a call from his bete noir:

Clyde: ...Anyway, I just wondered, like, uh… I was trying to help you with your virgin problem, and I sent over some fine ladies over to your house. How-how’d that work out for you?

Chris: Oh, so you were the one who sent them over, huh? Well, for your information, uh, my family, uh, was very uncomfortable with them being--being sent over, and, uh, they re—and they reported them to the police, and they got turned in, and, uh… Yeah, we did not appreciate that.

Clyde: Uh, Chris, you claim to be a virgin with rage all the time. I’m trying to help you, man.

Chris: Yeah, well, sending over prostitutes is not exactly the way of helping somebody find true love.

~March 19, 2009

Still, something must have clicked inside Chris-­Chan's autistic noggin, because his attitude began to soften. Maybe it's okay for thee, but not for me!

Are you kidding? Hiring a prostitute shows Lack of Emotional Meaning between me and her; I want my intercourse with TRUE LOVE Emotions Between me and her.
~Dec 30, 2009

You do NOT just wake up being a homo. But, in your desperate time, I suggest hiring a clean, female prostitute and have sex with her.
~Dec 30, 2009

Then his views continue to change. Maybe he's been presented with a question he's probably never thought of before. Maybe he's dimly gauged his fan's opinions on the matter and found them mostly positive. Whatever the case, the very next day...

I have read your question a few days ago, and I have considered it greatly with input from my trusted associates. Prostitution is legal in Cwcville, VA, with the Detail for that if the person requesting the service is a Virgin, then those individuals would be directed to the "pimp" and "madam" characters who would hook him/her up with a CLEAN Woman/Man, respectively. The pimp and madam would be held responsible for medical checks for their prostitutes before lending them to the person, and for the Virgins, their first-time fee is SET for Ten Dollars, period, for up to one whole hour. And beforehand, a short half-hour seminar on what to do for first-timers in positions, premature ejaculation preventions, full kissing and such bare introductory essentials. Knowledge is Power, after all.
~[img=http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/Mailbag_29]Dec 31, 2009[/img]

...suddenly prostitution is not only legal in Cwcville, it's dirt cheap! Especially for virgins! My goodness-gracious, what could this possible portend?

Also, another current topic, of which I Confide into you with full trust. I am thinking of setting aside $100 for a lady of Escort Service, or an S.T.D.-free Prostitute in other words, to have sexual intercourse with on my upcoming Birthday, February 24. I await your swift reply with your thoughts on the topic.
Jan 9, 2010

-*$100 Pocketed for the plans on the hooker/prostitute to give me my first intercourse on my birthday, as previously mentioned.* (This may or may not happen, depending on how the woman I am dating, talking and hanging out with feels about possible intercourse before or on my birthday. If I can swing it, it would make me feel a lot better.) ~Feb 11, 2010

Yes, within the space of a single year, Our Autistic Hero goes from staunchly anti-prostitution to potential customer. Of course, we know he's just using the prostitution angle to guilt the Wallflower into handing over the China. He doesn't have the guts to actually call Dial-a-Ho and make the arraignments himself. Unless, that is, he were to use a clever disguise!

Something else that has piqued my curiousity, from the Hooker incident, I'm wondering from which luscious company or group Bryan Bash the ladies came from, specifically the company name, their website, and from within Chris's crappy (434) A.C. Because if they were out-of-his-state, I may give them a call myself. >
--JenkinsJinkies 18:43, 11 July 2010

Of course, we all know how this sad little story ends. As his trial nears, the prospect of jail panics Fat Dummy. He starts begging for someone, anyone, to get him a hooker and, lo-and-behold, someone actually does. A nice gift basket later and Our Pet Manbaby has gone from never-with-a-hooker to Christian Weston "John" Chandler.

 

[Lefty's Revenge]

Did Chris really scream out "NOOOOOOO" in a target or something and get kicked out as a result? I always found that story hysterical but very hard to find.

 

[Pikonic]

Chris never said "no Darkies"

Chris on the N Word.
Chris also said "Niggo" once, used "nigger" once in anger, and multiple times after 'Lars' essentially gave him permission to.

I think it's still disputed if he's an actual racist, though I don't think he is.