Sonichu Cole and Chris: At the Movies -

[LordCustos3]

Hello, fellow Christorians....
Would you like to play a game?

I wish him and Cole had a show like Ebert and Roper. I was gonna start a thread, "Write a negative review of a movie you like, written in the Cole Smithey style." But I don't know if people would feel like it of not.

Lets do this!

ahem.

• The Girl Who Leapt Through Time
  if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands
  
  Coleslaw: Alright, we have a girl who discovers how to travel through time. The patriarchal oppressors who wrote this screenplay portray her as a nitwit who can only misuse this ability, therefore they hate women.
  Chris'tard: Mmmn. Yeah. Jerks. De jerks made d-de girl act dopey like her he- like her head was an empty sock. Mnnn.
  Coleslaw: They spent two much time having the protagonist waffle between two MALE secondary characters.
  Chris'tard: Jerks. Hate 'um. They keep trying to take Mokoto away from me, leaving me with no Mokoto to claim as my own. My duck is bigger now and no longer ben--
  Coleslaw: I'm sure there is some hidden connection to The Military Industrial Complex or Bush or my Mother -- damn her eyes -- in this movie, but I was so filled with impotent rage, I couldn't spot it.
  Chris'tard: No Mokoto. Why can't -- why can't I get a Mokoto of muh-my own. I mean (*stress sigh*) Sonichu has a heartsweet. Why cun-can't I have a heartsweet? Why must the world--
  Coleslaw: Grrrrrr. It's animated. Animated movies remind of Toy Story 3. (*swipes spittlefroth off chin*) Fuck Toy Story 3.
  Chris'tard: So lonely. (*pouts*)
  

Okay.
Your turn.

 

[LordCustos3]

...But I don't know if people would feel like it of not.

Hmmm. I guess this is undeniable, empirical evidence that they didn't like it.

 

[BALLZ-BROKEN]

I'll give it a try:


It's A Wonderful Life

Coleslaw: This movie is about a corrupt banker who seduces the town moll by using his ties with the local police and the cabbie union. Marx couldn't have wrote a better example of the relationship between the bourgeois and proletariat.
Chris'tard: Hmm yeah. He, uh, he fell thru dat lake, too. George Bailey is weaker dan water.
Coleslaw: Although there is an uplifting scene in this movie, where George stands up to the Military-Industrial Complex by refusing a deal with plane canopy manufacturer.
Chris'tard: Hmm yeah. Da best part is when he al- almost shoots his eye out wit dat BB gun, den the Bumpus' dogs eat da turkey.
Coleslaw: Uh, Chirs, that was actually different...
Chris'tard: Hmm?
Coleslaw: That was from "A Christmas Story"
Chris'tard: Your opinion has been full- fully inputed.
Coleslaw:

 

[Totally Awesome]

These are hilarious. Feel free to keep making these.

 

[LordCustos3]

Chris'tard: Hmm yeah. He, uh, he fell thru dat lake, too. George Bailey is weaker dan water.

Oh, Wow! Hahahahaha!
Finally, someone uses that cwcism in a way that make coherent sense!

 

[pickleniggo]

This thread has some serious potential.

 

[BillRiley]

Midnight Cowboy

Coleslaw: Director John Schlessinger's subversive Oscar winning film really stands the test of time in it's portrayal of two iconic American hustlers.
Chris'tard: I like...I liked da song dat was...was sung by...da sing...singer...and such.
Coleslaw: Er, yes. Well, Dustin Hoffman's character "Ratzo Rizzo" is a brilliant characterization of the classic capitalist bourgeoisie attempting the exploit Jon Voight's character "Joe Buck", who represents the simple, hard-working, though sexually confused proletariat who...
Chris'tard: But den...but den da movie had a dang dirty HOMO AND I DID NOT APPRECIATE DAT!
Coleslaw: Chris, I really don't think...
Chris'tard: I CAN NOT BE CHANGED BY DAT HOMOSESSUAL IN DA BROWN SHIRT! DOWN WITH HIM! I AM STRAIGHT! I HAVE A SUBSCRIPTION TO PLAYBOY!

 

[LordCustos3]

Dune

• Dune (1984)
  if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands if you are reading this part you have way too much time on your hands
  Coleslaw: Here we have a film about how the huddled masses of the proletariat overthrow the status quo. But the leader of the huddled masses is actually one of the Filthy Aristos that needed overthrowing.
  Chris'tard: I didn't like the spiky haired man in the metal underwear. I think he's a HOH-MOW!
  Coleslaw: Ah, but even more homoerotic is the bloated Baron Harkonen. He probably represents the Uncle Tom-style complicity with the Military Industrial Complex. Or Something. He disturbed me. I kept picturing a female version of him with a thick redneck accent floating around, being bossy and fruity.
  Chris'tard: Yeah. He had holey pus-boils on his face, like Mama has on her tuchus.
  Coleslaw: Oh god. OH GOD. My mother is The Baron Harkonen! AGH! (*begins having flashback*)
  Chris'tard: Yeah. The Princess was really pretty. I want to comb her hair.
  Coleslaw: (*wigging out*) No unka Jerry...I don't want to wear the cocktail dress again...no...please stop!...
  Chris'tard: Den dere were the worms. Ick. They...they looked like....(*stress sigh*)
  Coleslaw: (*still wigging out*) Gaaaah. Not the lime jello, Unka Jerry! It sticky in my butt and makes me sad!
  Chris'tard: ....it looks like....a 'duck'....a big brown duck....that opens up....
  Coleslaw: (*flashback fades and Coleslaw begins regaining composure*) gasp gasp gasp...oh, I'm so glad thats over....anyhow...where was I? Um...oh, yes. The costumes in the 1984 version are much better than the absolute dross from the Sci-Fi channel remake, and the acting -- while inconsistent -- is also an improvement.
  Chris'tard: ...big brown duck...
  Coleslaw: One of the take-it-or-leave-it aspects of the film is David Lynch's surreal vision. Full of errie atmosphere and leading the actors to enact bizarre scenarios......GAHK (*begins having another flashback*)
  Chris'tard: ...and then they get ON the big brown duck....and den dey ride it....

 

[MysticMisty]

An American Tail
This was my favorite childhood movie shutup and yes I did the dates wrong on purpose.
Cole: Steven Spielberg has been corrupting cinema since Jaws was released in 1971. Likewise, Disney-
Chris: I like Marry Poppins.
Cole:-has been corrupting our youth and hearts since 1920. And now Spielberg has teamed up with Don Bluth, a former Disney animator who probably wasn't good enough for them to make An American Tail.
Chris: Da title is a pun. I noticed when Cole proof read-when I looked over my notes.
Cole: The entire movie is symbolism for Spielberg's desire to overthrow good hardworking Christians to further his Jewish agenda.
Chris: Snyder is a dirty JEW!
Cole: If you think that's inappropriate for children, the images are guaranteed to give them nightmares for weeks. Months! And the movie openly acknowledges death! Do you tell your children when Gill the Goldfish dies? Of course not, you go out and buy an identical replacement before they come home from school! But this garbage features gunshots, fires, gambling, a highly disturbing wave creature, dead mice, and the main character's parents don't even care their child is missing! I could not believe anything I saw on the screen.
Chris: Dis movie gave me prickly wricklies and was hard to follow. I do not like to feel sad or worried or scared. The Adventures of the American Rabbit is a much better mov-much better American movie because of the good Christians instead of JEWS who are mea-who wrongfully Kick the Autistic and turn your best friend on you! And I can understa-follow along and never worry about da characters be in danger.
Cole: Would you take your children to see Jaws, or Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Of course not! And you shouldn't take them to see this either if you really care about their well being. Zero stars.
Chris: I saw jokes on Family Guy about Jaws and Indiana Jones.

 

[Smutley]

Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom

Coleslaw: Salo, the last film directed by subversive director Pier Paolo Pasolini, has grown an unfortunate cult following due to it's extreme depictions of fascist ideals through the lens of gore and filth.
Chris'tard: Da' cover has a, a, a uhm, naked la- naked lady on it, and she's wearin' high heels! Da Womens can wear whatever dey want, cause of da [cwc="http://sonichu.com/cwcki/Women%27s_right"]women's rights.[/cwc]
Coleslaw: Christian, I... Christian -- this film is the antithesis of everything we should stand for, a film that glorifies the objectification of girls, and the sissification of young, taut, nubile men...
Chris'tard: da ladies all sit around with nothin' on, but the GUYS do too and dats just WRONG! If ya tape some paper onto da TV screen dere, you can stay safe an stay straight. Hmmn. Dat way you do- you don't have to look at anything 'sept the fun hanky panky with all dem gal pals enjoyin' demselves. They're all just havin' some girlish fun.
Coleslaw: The events in Salo begin as standard fair -- Men in power taking advantage, emotionally and sexually, of the youth who would rise up to ultimately crush them. But even you would have to agree that things begin take a darker turn as-
Chris'tard: <interrupting> I just see dem all havin' fun, just playin around wit' eachudder! I
Coleslaw: You're not reading the subtitles, are you.
Chris'tard: I'm watchin' a MOVIE, Cole Smithey! Not readin' a got dang goosebumps book! Uhhh. Uhhmmm. Wait. What's dat lady-
Coleslaw: And thus begins the total defilement of an entire generation by the very people who should be protecting them.
Chris'tard: OH NO, why's dat old man poopin' on da flooooorrrrr!!

An exciting excerpt from the next installment of "Cole and Christian at the Movies"!

 

[Hyperion]

Milk

Cole: Today we'll be reviewing the film Milk, an inspiring story based on Harvey Milk's later life...
Chris: Mnnnf.... fnnnn... homos?
Cole: Yes Chris, Harvey Milk was a homosexual...
Chris:
Cole: Christian did you just shit in your pants?
Chris: hmmmm yeah

 

[Hasharin]

Wait, Cole's an socialist? As far as I know, he's just a typical pro-Obama liberal (liberal in American sense of the word as well as the correct one).

 

[LM 697]

Irréversible

Chris: Mmmmm, yeah, you ta - you take that like a good - BAD girl! Mmmm.

 

[BALLZ-BROKEN]

Wait, Cole's an socialist? As far as I know, he's just a typical pro-Obama liberal (liberal in American sense of the word as well as the correct one).

It's parodying Cole being a pompous, left leaning pseudo-intellectual.

 

[Zero Gun: Fenrir]

Brokeback Mountain
Coleslaw: Brokeback Mountain is a film about the forbidden love of two male sheep herders in the 60's which goes on until-
Chris'tarder was a part in a car where da cowboy sticks his pickle in his wife's china, and-
Coleslaw:The ambiguous death of one of the herders, Jack Twist, while he was-
Chris'tard: an den, der was dis one part where one of the sh-sh-cowboys climbs on da other, and they start breaving real h-h-hard-
Coleslaw: *Cole is now visibly angry at Chris, but manages to go on* "fixing a flat tire." Jack's partner suspects murder, and is probably right-
Chris'tard: Dey were homos? Those dirty dis-dis-dis-revolting. I AM STRAIGHT, I SUBSCRIBE TO PLAYBOY! BOOBIES AND VAGINAS GIVE ME MY ERECTIONS, NOT GODDAMN PICKLES. WOMEN ARE AWESOME-
Coleslaw:Godammit. *Cole tries to get a word in, but is drowned out by Chris's ranting about the homos, and how he's straight.* All you need to know is that the cowbo-SHEEP HERDERS are gay, and that society would reject them, or kill them if they revealed it.
Chris'tard: *Chris has now started screaming and running around the room like Mermaid Man* HOOOOOOOOOOOMOOOOOOOOOOOS, HOMOS, HOMOS, HOMOS EVERYWHERE! I AM STRAIGHT! STRAIGHT I TELL YOU! SSSSTTTTTTTRRRRRRAAAAAIIIIGGGHHTTT!!!! I LIKE WOMEN!!!
*Cole goes to his happy place, and thinks really dirty thoughts about what he'd like to do to Jack Twist. This happy place is promptly violated and turned into the unhappy place, as the thought of the orgy in which he was conceived invades his mind. He also thinks of the math problem his mom gave him. "If I had an orgy with 6 men, and 6 more join in, how many potential fathers do you have?" Oh, god, he has 12 potential fathers, but he thinks his mother is lying, and that he actually has 18 potential fathers. He quickly pushes this out of his mind, and goes back to thinking about the munchable ass on Jack Twist.*

 

[Golly]

I wouldn't dream of doing the entire thing since I know how many of you hold this subject near and dear to your hearts, but...

The Room

Coleslaw: Tommy Wiseau's chef d'oeuvre. This is an exercise in the beauty of ineptitude, how when one manages to achieve utter failure in every area, it can still captivate the mind.
Chris'tard: Mmmm yeah. D-dat dere, Lisa, dat YOUNG LADY had uh, da boobies out dere.
Coleslaw: Indeed, Chris. Also worthy of note was the location of Tommy Wiseau's, star, producer, writer, and director, point of entry on Juliette Daniels. It would seem that Lisa's va-
Chris'tard: CHINA!
Coleslaw: Uh, yes. Lisa's vagina may be taken to appear on her stomach, considering how Wiseau handles his sex scenes.
Chris'tard: Whaddyou mean, Cole? Dat's where, dat's where, my Kimmi has her China. Officer Nasty, too...Mmmm.

 

[BALLZ-BROKEN]

I wouldn't dream of doing the entire thing since I know how many of you hold this subject near and dear to your hearts, but...

I'm inspired to do another review...

The Big Lebowski

Coleslaw: The Coen Brothers hit one out of the park in their cult classic tale of a mistaken identity.
Chris'tard: Mmmm yeah. I didn't like Dan Conno being a DAMN DIRTY JEW!
Coleslaw: That actor's name is John Goodman. Dan Conner is a role he played on the TV series Ros...
Chris'tard: I wanna see more of the china ceiling lady.
Coleslaw: Julianne Moore steals the stage as the estranged daughter of the Old man. I can understand her motives, I've know many Republican Korean War veterans like that cur.
Chris'tard: I wanna see her China artwork... mmm... yeah. I did not like how she stripped for women's rights for dad old hippy looking dude.
Coleslaw: The Dude! You remembered his name!
Chris'tard:Wait... what? Anywaze, I also did not like when that that strange lookin' dude with the nails-on-a-record-platter voice fucked that golden-haired hooker, and den he shot at dat lady cop.
Coleslaw: Wait, you've seen "Fargo?"
Chris'tard: OH COME ON! I am not a FARGO! I AM STRONG!
Coleslaw: Fargo is the name of a city in Nor...
Chris'tard: Yew crossed da line by calling me a fargo... by calling me dat werd...
Coleslaw: ... Fuck it, there's a Stone City IPA with my name on it... *knocks over chair"
...
...
Chris'tard: Mmm, yeah. Why did that hippy lookin' dude worry so much about a rug? My mother has several rugs...

 

[MysticMisty]

Silence of the Lambs
Cole: Filth. Pure filth.
Chris: Yeah!
Cole: Silence of the Lambs is a disgusting, vulgar movie that glorifies criminals, anti-feminism, and extreme conservatives.
Chris: Dere are no lambs in this movie so there's no quiet-no silencing of them. Da title lied!
Cole: This movie was made only to pander to psychotic teenagers and young adults with gore and murder while pretending to be "deep".
Chris: Dis scene involved a man getting bit-getting his face bitten off! I cried until Cole convinced-until I remembered it's just Hollywood Magic.
Cole: There is nothing charming at all about the character called Hannibal, who is barely in the movie.
Chris: Hannibal rhymes with cannibal. And he was so nice to da lady jerkop, I do not know why she didn't like him. He even drew her pitcher, though not as good as I could do it.
Cole: ...........................................
Chris: Yup.
Cole: Uh, right. This movie is also deeply offensive to the LGBT community due to the villain, Buffalo Bill.
Chris: Dat-dat dirty HOMO! He tried to make me a homo by dancing naked! I thank God and Jesus dat JERK he hid his pickle so nobody would have to see it!
Cole: Like I already said at the beginning: pure filth. Zero stars.
Chris: I do not understand why Hannibal da Cannibal said he was going to have dinner with the jerkop at the end. I thought he hated him, but he called the jerkop his friend.

 

[CatParty]

Troll 2

Cole: Today we will be reviewing "Troll 2". Perhaps known best for its cult following and considered one of the "best worst movies".

Chris: t-t-t troll?

Cole: I'm done.

 

[mst3kluv]

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Cole: Ah, here we have a movie based on 1984 where a young man rises up against the government he has been trained to follow.

Chris: S-Snape was a JEW, JUST LIKE DAT SNYDER!! I DID NOT CARE FOR 'DAT!!

Cole: Severus Snape is a very complex character. He was a double agent for two governments: Fascism and Fascism disguised as Capitalism.

Chris: I bet dat Snape wanted to be d-da headmaster so he could k-kick the GOOD AUTISTIC children out of Hog-Hogwarts!

Cole: But eventually, the stress and misery of defeating Voldemort regresses Harry back into loving Big Brother.

Chris: Voldemort looked like da, uh, villain from the...hmm...Goosebumps book...Yeah.

Cole: How can J.K. Rowling WRITE this shit! Didn't she know how many died in this movie alone due to governments!!!

Chris: Da d-deaths made me uncomfortable and shattered muh heart level to zero, but I don't get why da, er, char-char-characters were so up-upset. I mean, it was jus' a bit of da movie magic.