Cook with me + what I ate today | down 75 pounds 04/27/20 -

Phalanx

Racist Cunt
kiwifarms.net
Oh you effing wait the second she hits 90lbs lost. Endgame time, we will get 20 videos of How to lose weight etc etc etc. Amber its easy for you to lose weight atm because your maitenance is 4200 calories, not the second it gets to 3000. She is done, Amber hates exercise and at the point you cannot succeed because she cannot go below 2000 calories a day.

Remember Amber is actually boring as fuck so the second she loses all that weight. Thats it because she lost anything to make her sub worthy.
 

Botched Tit Job

Rachet & Sad
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I have her notifications on and even in the middle of a pandemic, in a city with strict stay at home orders, where I'm bored out of my fucking mind, I cared to watch this one so little I swiped away and forgot she had even posted.

I know all the self-righteous haters like to pretend they'd watch her even if she was on track and losing weight and a skinny queen, but they're all fucking lying. This video isn't even worth 15 minutes of quarantined time.
 

Turd Fergusson

kiwifarms.net
Why is she $2 CPM my justification is her diminishing views and also the fact she has triggered alerts on Youtube a few times in the last year. Stuff like this ticks you down on the system. She can spam ads but ad blocker prevents revenue gain but also skipping the short ones. Also going down in the algorithm apparently affects your CPM and I personally believe this e.g. DSP.
Not sure if this should be moved to Amber's Finance.

As I wrote, with a $2 CPM, her pre-tax income is about $1,600 per month. This is not bad for someone who does not provide any quality content. If she spends, let's say, 5 hours a week on YT creation, it is therefore 20 hours a month for an income of $80 per hour. Not bad for a poorly done work. She should try to find a job paying that much in the real world.

However, I see her problem. If I look at her budget, she pays 66% of the rent and utilities, and the rent likely around $1,000 and utilities are probably $100, thus her portion is $726 per month. The mobile service for Becky and herself is probably not less than $100 per month with internet service at $25. Automobile expenses (petrol, insurance, maintenance, etc) can be at $100/month. I am not sure how much she pays for a gym membership but let's assume $0. Therefore, her monthly expenses are between $950 and $1,000. This leaves less than $600 per month for personal care, entertainment and food and taxes. Becky's income from selling her art is likely less than $0. No wonder she complains.
 

Wit Shoes

kiwifarms.net
Don't forget her Birchbox, Ipsy and other Trisha Paytas Trash subscriptions. Those have got to be like $100 a month, too!

And her Bath and Body Works addiction, as well! Dang it, she probably will *not* grace us with a BBW haul after the stores reopen and she can strut her bad self through the mall. Bummer. Was really looking forward to having her sniff candles and tell us they smell "so good, guuuuuiiiise!"
 

Honzou

tfw no more ranch
kiwifarms.net
Don't forget her Birchbox, Ipsy and other Trisha Paytas Trash subscriptions. Those have got to be like $100 a month, too!

And her Bath and Body Works addiction, as well! Dang it, she probably will *not* grace us with a BBW haul after the stores reopen and she can strut her bad self through the mall. Bummer. Was really looking forward to having her sniff candles and tell us they smell "so good, guuuuuiiiise!"
She's eating so healthy now she will turn into a BBW in front of our eyes.
 

Peetz's Bank Account

DUANE!!!
kiwifarms.net
Ohhh Amber (:_( I'd much rather see her stuffing her face with Wendy's and takeout than shoveling down horrendous amounts of sad-looking slop. I mean if you're gonna kill yourself with food at least do it right.. it's not like the nutritional value of a serving dish of dry, pathetic pasta is any more beneficial than a 20-piece McNugget. Amber is so fucking boring that I can't even waste energy on disliking her anymore. She's still an annoying cunt with no personality or intelligence (aside from her anomalous rodent cunning), but she's almost not even worth commenting on anymore. I suppose her greatest contribution to the Farms is not she herself but the prosperous cow pasture we all know as the Haydur Nation.
 

DefCon Dumb

Confronter of Cryptoid Cuntiness
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Her activities have always been dull; I can't even see a young teen finding her interesting. She became amusing when she was really feeling herself but even that turns into a yawner - without new material & she hasn't had anything new to say since... since... forever. Now she's aimlessly spinning her wheels, not even bothering to consult her inner script anymore.

Her views & income are going to continue dropping.
 

Smoovy Jay

kiwifarms.net
Don't forget her Birchbox, Ipsy and other Trisha Paytas Trash subscriptions. Those have got to be like $100 a month, too!

And her Bath and Body Works addiction, as well! Dang it, she probably will *not* grace us with a BBW haul after the stores reopen and she can strut her bad self through the mall. Bummer. Was really looking forward to having her sniff candles and tell us they smell "so good, guuuuuiiiise!"
She also pays the bills for Density and Fridge. And her Torrid sprees. And all the high dollar bill tips she leaves cuz she got Beyoncé money.

She’s the epitome of basic bitch. She obviously heard “meeting and marrying” on a cooking show and thinks that’s what she was doing with fucking sausage and broccoli. No bitch, that’s what happens when you are cooking a beautiful dish full of spice and aromatics, not your goddamn seeeeesuneeeengs of onion and garlic powder. I cook a lot and never use those because I use real garlic and onion. I wonder how she’d react to a beautiful home cooked meal.
 

Moonpie

Ride the Lightening
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Call me a negative bitch but I'm giddy her ratings and $$$ are dipping.
Couldnt happen to a better cow.
Even if she were a skinny legend she'd still be an egotistical asshole with no personality of her own.
Looking like a sumo wrestler makes it much richer tho.
 

Super Colon Blow

Sucks and blows at the same time!
kiwifarms.net
Thank you, Very Honest Content, for the basic rundown!

However, I wanted to see this for myself. Because I have no sanity remaining.

0:00 ‘Hey guise!’ Hey, AL. Wow, super happy now. Because food. And OMFG WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with her tongue?!‽ That thing’s practically blue!! The hell! Seriously! Let’s get a mediKiwi over here. I need answers!

0:10 She states she wanted to do a what I ate today, and we can decide if we want to watch this or not. Uh, no shit. That’s all of your videos. And given the rate at which you’re releasing new videos, more people are deciding ‘not’ and you’re panicking.

0:12 There’ll be eating, and if we don’t want to see her disgusting foodgasms and hear her groaning and lip smacking don’t watch. I can’t wait. </s>

0:44 She says she’s still losing weight, because she’s eating semi-like a normal person. And that it’s hard to grasp, but she has to fight with herself every night to not binge but she’s succeeding. Sure, Jan.

1:18 A bit of self-awareness as she uses air-quotes to say that she’s eating ‘like a normal person’.

1:46 First meal! Bagel (gorl should switch to bagel thins for max effectiveness - she has the full-blown Thomas’ plain bagels. Those puppies are 270 calories each - add 10% for packaging errors, and it’s 297 calories) with buffalo style chicken breast (60 calories per serving), chive and onion Philadelphia cream cheese (80 calories for 2 tbsp), and a little bag of Cheetos (150 calories). From personal experience weighing that shit, always add 10% to the calories in those single serving bags, so it’s actually closer to 165 calories.

2:08 Rambles on about how she loves the little bags because it shows how small a serving is, and if she had a big bag, she’d eat half of it or maybe the whole thing in a binge episode (boredom eating is not binging, you dumb hog). No shit, dipshit. That’s how you hit 600 lbs. Or close to, if we were to actually believe you.

2:32 Says it’s 8:52 AM for our reference. And she’s drinking Fiji water. Yes, there’s the fake foodgasms. Then she blathers on about how in high school, only Fiji water would pass her fat lips. Has another fake foodgasm about that water. It’d probably blow her mind to know that most waters (including Fiji) comes right out of the tap. She points out that it has natural electrolytes. That’s called sodium hypochlorite, and is used to treat drinking water.

4:08 Goes on some tangent where she talks about how she’s not really doing IF at the moment, but then talks about how she’s fixed her sleeping schedule because she woke up at 5AM and she then says she’s fasting a bit because she’s gone almost 4 hours (3.5, you dumb hefalump) without eating.

4:45 It’s 1:06PM. Now she’s going to have a chocolate dipped coconut Luna bar (190 calories - add 10% for safety as it’s prepackaged food, so 209 calories).

5:12 More faked foodgasms. Ugh.

5:20 Going to make pasta. I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR BINGE FOOD. Gah. Dipshit. Shows elbow macaroni (210 calories for 1/2 cup of dry. There are 8 servings in a box, so 1680 calories for that box. Add 10% as it’s prepackaged shit, and I’m sure she’d use the whole damned thing, so more like 1840 calories). Then blazin’ (actually blazing on the package, because Amber can’t speak) buffalo chicken sausage (140 calories per link - add 10% for weighing inaccuracies, so 154 calories per link). And then frozen broccoli (44 calories per cup), Tapitio (0 calories because the body doesn’t process it nor does it invoke an insulin response), minced garlic (she doesn’t show the label - generic minced garlic is 32 calories per tbsp)

6:13 Her pan looks like it has all 4 fucking links in it. Holy shit. One or two would’ve been enough. She added onion powder and pepper, too.

6:28 Shows her pasta. That’s WELL over 1/2 cup. If I had to estimate, that looks like a solid 1.5 cups dry, possibly closer to 2.

6:40 Well, she used less than a cup of broccoli. That’s like 1/2 cup at best. Savin’ those calories there, gorl.

6:46 ‘Marinating the sausage.’ I… I can’t. I can’t. My face has actually acquired semi-permanent Deforest Kelly at this point. Holy shit. More, and my brain will begin to actively melt.

6:53 Mixed it all together with some minced garlic. This looks shittier than what they serve on the mess decks of an aircraft carrier when it’s the final month of deployment and there hasn’t been an underway replenishment in two weeks. Congratulations, AL. My iron stomach has just said ‘nope.’ But now that I see it… I can safely state that she used about 1.5 cups of dry elbow macaroni. So less calories than suspected.

6:56 OH FUCK. NEVER MIND. She has her own bowl separated. That shit in her bowl is easily 1 cup itself. So yes, she used all 4 sausage links and 2.5 solid cups of dry elbow macaroni. So she used over HALF OF THE BOX of elbow macaroni, and is eating half of it right now. Holy shitbuckets, girl.

7:07 Our gorl is tired. She only got 5 hours of sleep last night, and 0 the night before so she could reset her sleeping schedule. Cry me a fucking river.

7:35 Shows off her disgusting bowl. Does the nodding and mmmmmm and fake foodgasms and shit. Ugh. Sings the praises of Tapatio. There is so much head jiggling and shit.

8:22 Promises she doesn’t go ‘mmmm’ when she eats in real life. Suuuuure. But hey, Rarity sighting!!

8:43 Says Foodie Beauty says some dumb shit about her cats and she says the same dumb shit and whatever, I barely am paying attention.

9:10 Discusses her seasoning and how there’s no middle ground in her comments - it’s all either over seasoned or not seasoned enough.

9:40 Says Eric was staring at her food when he went through the kitchen. Offered him a bowl. Rambles off about holding up her bowl. He turned it down ‘because he doesn’t do spice.’ No, gorl, he didn’t accept it and was staring at it because it looks like absolute ass.

10:28 Fuckadoodle, the possible parent in me wants to smack the back of her head for talking with her mouth full.

10:49 MOOK-BONG. I wish you’d pronounce it correctly. Shows how holding it close to the camera makes it look larger, and when she draws it back it’s not that much.

11:16 Calls it normal size. NO, that is a deep bowl that is heaping with noodles. That’s a solid 1 cup dry of noodles and you’re devouring it yourself. That is enough to feed two people if they ate at a slow, regulated pace.

12:00 Blathers on about how cooking broccoli on the stove makes it good.

12:18 Bitches about waking up at 5AM and how she’s hungry by now.

12:33 Oh, now she mentions she also added butter. (Which is 102 calories per tbsp)

12:42 Says it doesn’t matter how much she used to eat, but it’s hard for her to wrap her head around it. That she used to eat so much without even realizing it.

13:07 Says Becky’s taking a nap rather than actively avoiding her.

13:18 She’s putting the excess of her macaroni shit away because she’s full. Shows that she didn’t use the whole thing of macaroni. Says she used half, even though more than half of the box is gone. You used closer to 2/3, dingbat. So more like 2.5 cups of the 4 cups that’s in there. My eyeballing appears to have been fairly accurate.

14:00 Says that’s 2 more meals for her. Puts it in 2 containers.

14:28 Last thing she’s going to have is a Yasso chocolate chip cookie dough frozen greek yogurt bar (100 calories - add 10% for packaging errors, so 110 calories).

14:54 Says she used to eat those a lot back in the day. No you didn’t. You ate pints of Ben and Jerries.

15:16 Had a can of Caffeine Free Diet Coke. It’s 9:39 PM and gorl is exhausted. I am spazzing about the caffeine free variety of my favorite drink. Ugh. Eliminate the best part of Diet Coke, why don’t’cha. Also says she didn’t have more pasta.
Quick calorie count:
Bagel bullshit: 602 calories. This is assuming she didn’t use more than the single serving size of cream cheese or deli meat, so I’m being generous.
Bar bullshit: 209 calories
Macaroni bullshit: Assuming 2 tablespoons of minced garlic and 1 tablespoon of butter (yes, I know she likely used more, but work with me) her macaroni bullshit comes in at 1854 calories for the whole. She ate a solid half of it, so 927 calories.
Yogurt bullshit: 110 calories
Total bullshit: 1848 calories.

So I’m calling laaaahs, because as I’ve said before, she has a TDEE of 3,500 calories and a BMR of 2953, assuming 5’3” and 499 (LOL) pounds. She should be losing a pound every 2 days, so 6.5 pounds a week, or approximately 26 pounds a month (let’s round down to 25 just to be nice).

Bwahahahaha. Show what you /really/ eat, including your mindless snacks.

And while you’re at it,
View attachment 1257316
That was educational. Exact calories and accounting for 10% error in packaging as allowed by law.
Cannot decide if (I say this with no malice whatsoever): Medisperg, gymbunnysperg, or EDsperg.
 
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