- Joined
- May 21, 2014
- Highlight
- #1
tw: autism
its time to share your crazy experiences that have happened to you in multiplayer or complex singleplayer games. it could be griefing stories or glitch stories or whatever.
some of mine:
the Tale of White Kony (me)
Say what you will about garry's mod dark rp and chances are i will agree with you, but once in a while you will stumble upon a good server with no rules and therefore some great stories. the idea of the gamemode is too fucked up not to give you some laughs. 5 year old gangbangers, muslim extremists running fast food chains, smoking weed with hitler, etc. what i am about to tell you shares my experience with the dangers of child labor and corruption. its a tale of how a lowly pussy bartender started from the bottom, rose to the very top, and became an alpha who started a caliphate and smoked a shit ton of meth.
it all started when i decided to open up my bar, "the mayor's gay asshole". business wasn't exactly booming, but i had enough customers to keep the place open. we had a tv which was hooked up to an RT cam that some guy ran around with. it was the closest thing we had to news or even tv on the server. basically my bar kicked ass and it was the best one on the server (well technically it was the only one but that's beside the point). i enjoyed my little business for a little while.
this peace didn't last long, however. one of the local street gangs, the MLG Illuminati (yes i know i groaned too), wanted me to join their protection racket. they sent a guy in and explained how it was going to go. i refused because i needed every dollar i could make. the gangster was just like "fine have it your way" and then left.
a little while later a message came up in chat, "RAID". suddenly, a group of armed angry memers were speeding up in their car and tried to ram it into my bar. the only problem was the Source engine doesnt work like that so they really just awkwardly kind of collided into the corner of the doorway, which blocked it. they emerged from their glitched out gmod car and without a word immediately started spraying the shit out of everything in sight with bullets. i crouched behind the bar. all i could hear were gunshots, spergs screaming "WOW WHO THE FUCK KILLED ME NIGGER", and low quality dubstep micspam from the shooters. i was petrified. i didnt have anything to defend myself with, and even if i did i couldnt kill 4 guys with ak47s in the same room. i layed low, hoping that they would overlook the back of the bar during their rampage.
police sirens were wailing in the distance as the police tried to apprehend the shooters. actually, cop cars dont have sirens in this game it was literally a cop going "wee woo wee woo get on the ground FAGGOT". bullets were exchanged within seconds. one of the four shooters were gunned down and the second tried crouch-jumping behind the bar for cover, right where i was. i saw him jumping over and i was like "FUCK". he was facing the cops during the jump though, so he ended up landing right on top of my head without noticing me at first. this put the gunman's entire body within view of the police, since the bar is only half of a player's height. before he could think to go "wait what the fuck why am i floating in mid-air", one of the police shot him in the face twice.
this leaves only two gunmen left, who were winning the fight against what i remember to be three officers. i tried hopping out one of the side windows amidst the chaos, but one of the gunmen chased after me. he didn't shoot me, he wanted me alive. instead, he pulled out a tazer weapon and ragdolled my character. my screen went black and i couldnt see anything until the knock-out timer ran out.
when i came to and had control of my player again, i realized i was inside a giant metal box. i couldnt see shit because i was missing textures or something and most of the building's surfaces was that one purple and black checkerboard pattern. i could make out the two gunmen though, who obviously survived their shooting. they were talking to who i assume was their boss. i couldnt really tell because he was a giant red "ERROR" to me. they babbled in what i believe to be some kind of devolved meme language, and when i got their attention to ask why they wrecked my bar they just retorted with cryptic bullshit like "get rekt scrublord" and "u werent mlg enough, gg no re" (this was via mic so they actually spewed these words out of their face and not a keyboard). fucking christ.
so i sat there silently for a while because i dont speak autism and they probably didnt have anything meaningful to share if i could understand them anyway. they wouldn't stop talking and tortured me with their bottom-tier reddit garbage. from what i could understand, they captured me and are holding me for ransom. regular police periodically tried to attack the Illuminati's fort one or two at a time, but their leader was a surprisingly good shot (or hacking i dont know). No one could get to the gang from the front of the compound. these small firefights happened for like ten minutes. just as i had started to lose all hope of rescue, the back door, which led to the roof of the building, blew open. it was the cops. not just cops, but SWAT armed to the teeth. they somehow scaled the back of the building while low-ranking cannon fodder kept the gang busy from the front. everyone pulled rifles out of their ass and started unloading on each other. both gangbangers died instantly but the boss, i'll call him Memelord, killed a few swat before jumping out of a two story window to escape the chaos with his life. i was saved. after the squad leader cracked the keypad connected to my cell, an officer escorted me out of the compound while the rest hunted for money printers (which was what they were really after, they didnt care about me and in fact were surprised to find me still alive).
my business was ruined, i was pissed, and it was all memelord's fault. i wanted revenge, but it wasnt something just a hitman could fix. he had four other gang members usually with him at all times, one of which is their private gun dealer. i needed a gang of my own, but i cant just pull one out of thin air. it was then that i formulated a plan so genius, i would not only own my nemesis but also dominate the server. but first, i needed some cash.
i switched my job to a drug cook, who can spawn these cool cooking pots that you can cook meth with if you buy the ingredients. I went into an obscure corner of the map, and just started farming drugs. my setup was pretty cozy, and there was virtually no one around. when i had cooked enough meth, i would deal them to clients that called me on my cell (pmed me) with the meetup location. i wont lie it was a dangerous career, but boy did i rake in the green. meth in this server gave you a bunch of health and made you fast, so everyone, even cops, bought it before a fight which is pretty fucked up when you think about it but whatever. within like ten minutes i had accumulated enough money to put my plan into action.
i ran around town looking for bored or gullible looking little kids, and asked if they wanted a job. i said i would pay them a ton of money up front if they come with me. i chose kids because they will do pretty much anything you tell them to and they wont even give a shit as long as you give them enough digital dollars. you could tell them to propkill a server and get banned if you promise to buy them a sports car in-game and they'd do it dude, they're that crazy. basically children can be the perfect minions if you know how to steer them in the right direction. i recruited maybe four or five clueless kids all enthralled with their 80k checks (which isnt that much considering the economy was worse than zimbabwe). i took my posse into this abandoned hotel that no one used and that became our home base. everyone had a room and we used the extra rooms for storage, meeting rooms, training rooms, etc. the surrounding area was fenced off, and i always had someone on watch. after letting everyone settle in, i left for some errands. when i returned, i told everyone to gather into the top floor; the meeting room.
all the kids (i'm calling them Primites) got together and kept asking what was up. i decided to let my actions speak for me as i dumped crate after crate of IMI Galil full auto assault weapons onto the meeting room table. "everyone gets a gun, there's more than enough for everybody", i said. each primite was issued a galil for its low recoil and decent price, and a liberal 4 mags worth of rifle ammo. I wasnt done. i told everyone to report to the second-to-highest floor immediately after arming themselves. this was the training floor. i had shooting ranges set up, and outside we had an obstacle course in the yard. each kid was given a 10 minute crash course on how to shoot properly, and how to fight effectively as a group. our power was in our numbers. at six people, we were already the largest faction in the game. they werent going to win any counter strike tournaments, sure, but i made sure they all had the basics down just in case.
so how do you fund an army this large with just meth sales? the answer is more meth! we had an entire floor of our compound dedicated to meth making. each primite was instructed to spawn a meth lab, and two primites would handle all six workstations (i spawned one too). they would then send the processed product to the third primite, who would sell it on the street. when he returned, he would give me all of the money earned.
the other two guarded the compound perimeter. although no one had a paycheck, i would purchase anything my kids would ask for. that was my reward for working with me. you want a car? you got it. you want some exotic weapon for some reason? dont shoot it in the compound but here you go. im rolling in dough dude i am the money king at this point. there was nothing i couldnt buy.
after we established a steady income, i decided to take the fight to Memelord finally. i sent a scout over to find exactly where memelord's gang was holed up and what kind of defenses they had. he took a bunch of screenshots and sent them to me via steam. they werent very good ones but he was probably like 8 so i gave him a break. he got the important stuff in-frame at least. after i recieved the intel, i called all of my children to the meeting room. today was the day i would get my revenge. in a group conference call i shared our available intel and our strike plan. we would split into three teams. two primites (sniper team) would harass the Memers with sniper fire. while they flip their shit and figure out where the bullets are coming from, two of us (fireteam A) would attack from the side and the last two (fireteam B) would climb onto the roof from the back. Fireteam A had a good advantage because we were able to observe the memers inputting the keypad code for their side door. once both fireteams gain access to the compound we would destroy any props blocking the windows so Sniper Team can shoot inside. no one understood it so i just said "i'll explain it when we do it then". and so we headed off to wage war on the memers
everyone was still in the steam call so i could give orders. although no one knew what the fuck to do they at least knew which sniper/fireteam they were on (thank god). i told sniper team to get up into a building within view of the Memers' fort without being seen. they got in but they werent sneaky at all so right off the bat shots were fired by the memers. i frantically announced a raid in chat and was just like "fuck fuck sniper team start shooting". everyone else was on me. we had to circle around the buildings near the fort so we didn't just get shot in the middle of the street. when we had to cross an alley or a street, one team would fire to cover the other's movement. for a sperg and a bunch of kids we were doing great. no one died yet, but bullets were flying everywhere and some random guy bunny-hopped into our stray bullets. someone called 9/11 and some first-responders came. they didnt know who to shoot, so it became a three-way fight. eventually fireteam a was in position to enter the side of the fort. while they were doing that, me and the fireteam b primite built a prop ladder and scaled the building from the back. fireteam a made contact with another two of the memers. a primite died, but we had the jump on them and we took a shit ton of meth before the fight so we had a health advantage. they didnt have a chance, man.
it wasnt the memer henchman that i was worried about though, it was memelord. he was really fucking good at darkrp fighting. me and the other kid came down into the second floor of the fort from the roof the same time the survivor from fireteam a was coming up the stairs. it was a three-on-three fight, since the windows were still blocked. we got both henchman but even with the healing powers of meth both of my soldiers died at the hands of a giant flashing error sign holding an ak47.
its just me and him now, and i wouldnt have wanted it any other way. the extreme zoom-in of aiming down your sights made things cumbersome, and firing from the hip literally brought your accuracy to the edges of the screen if moving. we were both awkwardly shuffling left and right, with only around 40 degrees FOV, hoping our shots would connect with the head of the other. whenever one of us were at low health we would look away (strafing while we do this because we're still getting shot at), drop a drug from our inventory lightning fast, smoke it, and then start frantically shooting at each other again. despite us being only a few feet away this was one of the most intense firefights i have ever had in the game to date. the only problem was i had no idea where his head was because his model was broken. i hit him a few times, he hit me a few more but im on meth, and eventually i gun him down with bodyshots only. i have finally bested my nemesis, and empty the rest of my magazine into his body because i thought it would be cool. im hurt bad at this point and ran out of meth, so i cant heal. on top of that the meth effect is temporary so i would be at like 1 health very soon. the police were grouping up outside, ready to gun me down. my sniper team was picking them off, buying me time, while me and memelord were battling it out. sniper team eventually were snuffed out and shot down but they killed a surprising amount of cops. i didnt even have to tell them to do that! they actually cared about me enough to fend off waves of cops and die for me. I tossed a grenade down the staircase to the first floor as a distraction and hopped out of a window to escape.
and then my meth ticked out mid fall and i died from fall-damage.
after that whole thing i decided to play with my child army a little more and we founded a religion and ruled the map for a little while. then i got bored so i sold all of the kids to some pedo hobo character and then i quit the game to go watch futurama while stuffing my mouth with bagelbites. the end.
its time to share your crazy experiences that have happened to you in multiplayer or complex singleplayer games. it could be griefing stories or glitch stories or whatever.
some of mine:
the Tale of White Kony (me)
Say what you will about garry's mod dark rp and chances are i will agree with you, but once in a while you will stumble upon a good server with no rules and therefore some great stories. the idea of the gamemode is too fucked up not to give you some laughs. 5 year old gangbangers, muslim extremists running fast food chains, smoking weed with hitler, etc. what i am about to tell you shares my experience with the dangers of child labor and corruption. its a tale of how a lowly pussy bartender started from the bottom, rose to the very top, and became an alpha who started a caliphate and smoked a shit ton of meth.
it all started when i decided to open up my bar, "the mayor's gay asshole". business wasn't exactly booming, but i had enough customers to keep the place open. we had a tv which was hooked up to an RT cam that some guy ran around with. it was the closest thing we had to news or even tv on the server. basically my bar kicked ass and it was the best one on the server (well technically it was the only one but that's beside the point). i enjoyed my little business for a little while.
this peace didn't last long, however. one of the local street gangs, the MLG Illuminati (yes i know i groaned too), wanted me to join their protection racket. they sent a guy in and explained how it was going to go. i refused because i needed every dollar i could make. the gangster was just like "fine have it your way" and then left.
a little while later a message came up in chat, "RAID". suddenly, a group of armed angry memers were speeding up in their car and tried to ram it into my bar. the only problem was the Source engine doesnt work like that so they really just awkwardly kind of collided into the corner of the doorway, which blocked it. they emerged from their glitched out gmod car and without a word immediately started spraying the shit out of everything in sight with bullets. i crouched behind the bar. all i could hear were gunshots, spergs screaming "WOW WHO THE FUCK KILLED ME NIGGER", and low quality dubstep micspam from the shooters. i was petrified. i didnt have anything to defend myself with, and even if i did i couldnt kill 4 guys with ak47s in the same room. i layed low, hoping that they would overlook the back of the bar during their rampage.
police sirens were wailing in the distance as the police tried to apprehend the shooters. actually, cop cars dont have sirens in this game it was literally a cop going "wee woo wee woo get on the ground FAGGOT". bullets were exchanged within seconds. one of the four shooters were gunned down and the second tried crouch-jumping behind the bar for cover, right where i was. i saw him jumping over and i was like "FUCK". he was facing the cops during the jump though, so he ended up landing right on top of my head without noticing me at first. this put the gunman's entire body within view of the police, since the bar is only half of a player's height. before he could think to go "wait what the fuck why am i floating in mid-air", one of the police shot him in the face twice.
this leaves only two gunmen left, who were winning the fight against what i remember to be three officers. i tried hopping out one of the side windows amidst the chaos, but one of the gunmen chased after me. he didn't shoot me, he wanted me alive. instead, he pulled out a tazer weapon and ragdolled my character. my screen went black and i couldnt see anything until the knock-out timer ran out.
when i came to and had control of my player again, i realized i was inside a giant metal box. i couldnt see shit because i was missing textures or something and most of the building's surfaces was that one purple and black checkerboard pattern. i could make out the two gunmen though, who obviously survived their shooting. they were talking to who i assume was their boss. i couldnt really tell because he was a giant red "ERROR" to me. they babbled in what i believe to be some kind of devolved meme language, and when i got their attention to ask why they wrecked my bar they just retorted with cryptic bullshit like "get rekt scrublord" and "u werent mlg enough, gg no re" (this was via mic so they actually spewed these words out of their face and not a keyboard). fucking christ.
so i sat there silently for a while because i dont speak autism and they probably didnt have anything meaningful to share if i could understand them anyway. they wouldn't stop talking and tortured me with their bottom-tier reddit garbage. from what i could understand, they captured me and are holding me for ransom. regular police periodically tried to attack the Illuminati's fort one or two at a time, but their leader was a surprisingly good shot (or hacking i dont know). No one could get to the gang from the front of the compound. these small firefights happened for like ten minutes. just as i had started to lose all hope of rescue, the back door, which led to the roof of the building, blew open. it was the cops. not just cops, but SWAT armed to the teeth. they somehow scaled the back of the building while low-ranking cannon fodder kept the gang busy from the front. everyone pulled rifles out of their ass and started unloading on each other. both gangbangers died instantly but the boss, i'll call him Memelord, killed a few swat before jumping out of a two story window to escape the chaos with his life. i was saved. after the squad leader cracked the keypad connected to my cell, an officer escorted me out of the compound while the rest hunted for money printers (which was what they were really after, they didnt care about me and in fact were surprised to find me still alive).
my business was ruined, i was pissed, and it was all memelord's fault. i wanted revenge, but it wasnt something just a hitman could fix. he had four other gang members usually with him at all times, one of which is their private gun dealer. i needed a gang of my own, but i cant just pull one out of thin air. it was then that i formulated a plan so genius, i would not only own my nemesis but also dominate the server. but first, i needed some cash.
i switched my job to a drug cook, who can spawn these cool cooking pots that you can cook meth with if you buy the ingredients. I went into an obscure corner of the map, and just started farming drugs. my setup was pretty cozy, and there was virtually no one around. when i had cooked enough meth, i would deal them to clients that called me on my cell (pmed me) with the meetup location. i wont lie it was a dangerous career, but boy did i rake in the green. meth in this server gave you a bunch of health and made you fast, so everyone, even cops, bought it before a fight which is pretty fucked up when you think about it but whatever. within like ten minutes i had accumulated enough money to put my plan into action.
i ran around town looking for bored or gullible looking little kids, and asked if they wanted a job. i said i would pay them a ton of money up front if they come with me. i chose kids because they will do pretty much anything you tell them to and they wont even give a shit as long as you give them enough digital dollars. you could tell them to propkill a server and get banned if you promise to buy them a sports car in-game and they'd do it dude, they're that crazy. basically children can be the perfect minions if you know how to steer them in the right direction. i recruited maybe four or five clueless kids all enthralled with their 80k checks (which isnt that much considering the economy was worse than zimbabwe). i took my posse into this abandoned hotel that no one used and that became our home base. everyone had a room and we used the extra rooms for storage, meeting rooms, training rooms, etc. the surrounding area was fenced off, and i always had someone on watch. after letting everyone settle in, i left for some errands. when i returned, i told everyone to gather into the top floor; the meeting room.
all the kids (i'm calling them Primites) got together and kept asking what was up. i decided to let my actions speak for me as i dumped crate after crate of IMI Galil full auto assault weapons onto the meeting room table. "everyone gets a gun, there's more than enough for everybody", i said. each primite was issued a galil for its low recoil and decent price, and a liberal 4 mags worth of rifle ammo. I wasnt done. i told everyone to report to the second-to-highest floor immediately after arming themselves. this was the training floor. i had shooting ranges set up, and outside we had an obstacle course in the yard. each kid was given a 10 minute crash course on how to shoot properly, and how to fight effectively as a group. our power was in our numbers. at six people, we were already the largest faction in the game. they werent going to win any counter strike tournaments, sure, but i made sure they all had the basics down just in case.
so how do you fund an army this large with just meth sales? the answer is more meth! we had an entire floor of our compound dedicated to meth making. each primite was instructed to spawn a meth lab, and two primites would handle all six workstations (i spawned one too). they would then send the processed product to the third primite, who would sell it on the street. when he returned, he would give me all of the money earned.
after we established a steady income, i decided to take the fight to Memelord finally. i sent a scout over to find exactly where memelord's gang was holed up and what kind of defenses they had. he took a bunch of screenshots and sent them to me via steam. they werent very good ones but he was probably like 8 so i gave him a break. he got the important stuff in-frame at least. after i recieved the intel, i called all of my children to the meeting room. today was the day i would get my revenge. in a group conference call i shared our available intel and our strike plan. we would split into three teams. two primites (sniper team) would harass the Memers with sniper fire. while they flip their shit and figure out where the bullets are coming from, two of us (fireteam A) would attack from the side and the last two (fireteam B) would climb onto the roof from the back. Fireteam A had a good advantage because we were able to observe the memers inputting the keypad code for their side door. once both fireteams gain access to the compound we would destroy any props blocking the windows so Sniper Team can shoot inside. no one understood it so i just said "i'll explain it when we do it then". and so we headed off to wage war on the memers
everyone was still in the steam call so i could give orders. although no one knew what the fuck to do they at least knew which sniper/fireteam they were on (thank god). i told sniper team to get up into a building within view of the Memers' fort without being seen. they got in but they werent sneaky at all so right off the bat shots were fired by the memers. i frantically announced a raid in chat and was just like "fuck fuck sniper team start shooting". everyone else was on me. we had to circle around the buildings near the fort so we didn't just get shot in the middle of the street. when we had to cross an alley or a street, one team would fire to cover the other's movement. for a sperg and a bunch of kids we were doing great. no one died yet, but bullets were flying everywhere and some random guy bunny-hopped into our stray bullets. someone called 9/11 and some first-responders came. they didnt know who to shoot, so it became a three-way fight. eventually fireteam a was in position to enter the side of the fort. while they were doing that, me and the fireteam b primite built a prop ladder and scaled the building from the back. fireteam a made contact with another two of the memers. a primite died, but we had the jump on them and we took a shit ton of meth before the fight so we had a health advantage. they didnt have a chance, man.
it wasnt the memer henchman that i was worried about though, it was memelord. he was really fucking good at darkrp fighting. me and the other kid came down into the second floor of the fort from the roof the same time the survivor from fireteam a was coming up the stairs. it was a three-on-three fight, since the windows were still blocked. we got both henchman but even with the healing powers of meth both of my soldiers died at the hands of a giant flashing error sign holding an ak47.
its just me and him now, and i wouldnt have wanted it any other way. the extreme zoom-in of aiming down your sights made things cumbersome, and firing from the hip literally brought your accuracy to the edges of the screen if moving. we were both awkwardly shuffling left and right, with only around 40 degrees FOV, hoping our shots would connect with the head of the other. whenever one of us were at low health we would look away (strafing while we do this because we're still getting shot at), drop a drug from our inventory lightning fast, smoke it, and then start frantically shooting at each other again. despite us being only a few feet away this was one of the most intense firefights i have ever had in the game to date. the only problem was i had no idea where his head was because his model was broken. i hit him a few times, he hit me a few more but im on meth, and eventually i gun him down with bodyshots only. i have finally bested my nemesis, and empty the rest of my magazine into his body because i thought it would be cool. im hurt bad at this point and ran out of meth, so i cant heal. on top of that the meth effect is temporary so i would be at like 1 health very soon. the police were grouping up outside, ready to gun me down. my sniper team was picking them off, buying me time, while me and memelord were battling it out. sniper team eventually were snuffed out and shot down but they killed a surprising amount of cops. i didnt even have to tell them to do that! they actually cared about me enough to fend off waves of cops and die for me. I tossed a grenade down the staircase to the first floor as a distraction and hopped out of a window to escape.
and then my meth ticked out mid fall and i died from fall-damage.
after that whole thing i decided to play with my child army a little more and we founded a religion and ruled the map for a little while. then i got bored so i sold all of the kids to some pedo hobo character and then i quit the game to go watch futurama while stuffing my mouth with bagelbites. the end.
Last edited:
