Create a new religion to attract types of lolcows - Using already established religions is cheating

JambledUpWords

Orange chicken’s #1 fan
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Things to include:
  • Name of religion
  • Type of lolcows you want to attract (careercow, skitzcow, artcow, etc.)
    • Specific lolcows are welcomed as well​
    • Groups in community watch are allowed as well​
  • Methods of practice
    • Is there a sabbath or day of worship?​
    • Any specific activities that occur during worship?​
    • Any songs or genres of music you include in service?​
    • Is there prayer?​
    • Is there a deity? Multiple deities?​
  • Holy book/scripture or any other religious text
  • Religious holidays
  • Specific foods and drinks that are either encouraged or restricted
  • Are there rites of passage such as burial, baptism, marriage, etc,?
    • Are there certain specifics in these that matter for this religion?​
  • Is there any exclusivity?
    • Are there certain requirements to be met before becoming a member?​
    • Do you have to be born into this religion?​
Example:

Name: The Church of the Holy and Large Body

Cows of choice: fat lolcows such as Anna O’Brian, ALR, LifeByJen and Virgie Tovar

Day of worship: the first Friday of the month at sundown

Worship service: a large feast in a room full of pillows, blankets and candles. The alter is a cornucopia of food that the worshipers choose to eat. A prayer is said to the Venus of Waldorf for originating the sexiness of fat bodies. All worshipers are encouraged to wear as much or as little clothes as possible. The only rule is that the clothes have to make the wearer feel amazing and sexy. At the end of the feast, worshipers have ripped men give them fancy massages while saying how sexy they are. Everyone leaves with a new sex toy and a doggy bag for extra food.

Religious holidays: national food holidays for foods that particular worshipper enjoys . The holidays consist of eating that specific food on that day and making an offering to the Venus of Waldorf.

Religious texts: Eff Your Beauty Standards by Tess Holiday , Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon and The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

There are no food or drink restrictions. Gluttony is a virtue.

Exclusivity: nobody of a normal BMI is allowed. You must be in the overweight category to qualify. This religion is specifically for women as well. You cannot have any goals of losing weight. If you are a small fat, you must submit yourself to the deathfat and infinifat priestesses.

Organization: deathfat and infinifat priestesses for every town. These priestesses get to choose where worship is held and get first pick on what food is served. Everyone has to pay tribute to the Venus of Waldorf, but the priestesses have special connections to her that others do not. The priestesses monitor everyone and make sure that they are affirming of fat bodies at all times. Anyone who deviates is shunned until they repent by paying for the next feast or holiday celebration and publicly admitting their wrongdoing to everyone.
 

WutangLee

A simple Ramen merchant out to avenge his father
kiwifarms.net
A religion where I worship my own ass, and force my cultists to get into other people's business uninvited. I will also have 12 degrees of Religion being responsible for everything wrong with the world as our holy mass. I'll call it Atheism. And I'll use a theory of Evolution as my bible despite never having read it.
 

nonvir_1984

Never amount to anything! And they were right.
kiwifarms.net
Religions have to have virgins. I won't start a religion unless it has virgins. And where I am ATM, there aren't any. As it is, I think we are seeing a new religion emerging: that surrounding Tarrant. All these truly exceptional people worshiping him. It rites revolve round violence, extreme incompetence and sexual frustration.
 

Memeanon

kiwifarms.net
Maybe create a religion about an alien god or some shit to attract the schizocows. I think it'd work.
 

Anesthesia

Fuck Biased Mods
kiwifarms.net
Chris already beat us to it with the dimensional merge. He has true followers like Sockness and probably hundreds of others in the shadows that we don't even know about. It's name would probably just be the Great Merge like the Great Journey from halo with the Covenant. And probably would be genocidal against everyone who does not believe and other specific people. It would have it's own army and would go on a genocide crusade with the believe that when they die they go to C-197 and meet their waifu. Obviously this will attract skitzcows. Probably no real specific day, maybe October 26 or Feb 24. Would technically have deities but the followers would be instead just worshiping the merge itself and going to C-197. You do not have to be born into it. But you have to prove that you are an honest follower somehow.
 

Recoil

Tactical Autism Response Division
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
There was a pseudo religion on 4chan a few years back that was telling people to kill themselves & be reborn in a cyberpunk utopia/dystopia.
 
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ScamL Likely

IT'S! NOT! EVEN! HOT! OUT! SIDE~!
kiwifarms.net
Just repackage Heaven's Gate with pokemon or sanic or anime characters or something gay like that instead of aliens and I'm sure it'd work.
 
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SmallTalk201

kiwifarms.net
The first step is having the religion center around an idea which will back fire. The more it will back fire the better. Anti vaccine is a great example.of this
 

John Q Niggerfaggot

I was raped by Senior Detective John Michael
kiwifarms.net
Secular humanism - considering how absolutely idiotic that swaths of the world are, celebrating humanity is like aspiring to drive a '93 Ford Taurus
 
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Reactions: Slap47

Tragi-Chan

Godmaster Reverend
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
You need something with a complicated sci-fi mythos to attract the autists. Like Scientology except you don’t hide the alien stuff. Also you need a bunch of chicks with rude tittays who act like they might put out if you get enlightened enough.
 
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