Create the world’s tackiest wedding for your lolcow(s) of choice - Unforgettable

[JambledUpWords]

The wedding of Amberlynn and Becky (July 2020)

• Theme: unicorn
• Location: barn in Kentucky
• No air conditioning
• Colors are neon orange, pastel pink and chartreuse
• All plastic silverware, plates and tablecloths for decoration, all to be dumped in the local lake after the wedding
• Wedding is officiated by Eric in Naruto cosplay
• All guests have to wear unicorn horns during the wedding
• Amberlynn is wearing a sheer white sparkly wedding dress
• Becky is wearing her favorite graphic T-shirt with matching bondage gear and a cod piece
• Food that is served includes cold orange chicken, over cooked pasta, flat soda and Becky’s Sprite, orange juice and frozen berry drink
• The dance floor is only big enough for four people maximum
• All music is just from Becky’s iPhone
• Rainbow glitter is everywhere, including the food
• Amberlynn does a strip tease after the garter toss
• The bouquet is just McDonald’s french fries
• All flowers at the wedding are stolen from a local cemetery
• The wedding cake is just a bunch of Walmart sheet cakes stacked on top of each other
• The wedding ends with Becky and Al consummating the marriage in front of all the guests, followed by everyone getting food poisoning
• The honeymoon is at a cheap motel

 

[Dolphin Lundgren]

Just give any lolcow a Juggalo wedding. Tackiest wedding ever.

 

[Monolith]

Chris: His ideal wedding as shown in Sonichu/described on Twitter, but with actors in costumes clearly slapped together in 5 minutes and with no exposure to any of Chris's shenanigans beforehand playing all the fictional characters.

 

[Rootbeer]

I can't do better than the real thing.

 

[Nykysnottrans]

Hard to choose... which one shall I do forum, ContraPoints/Nyk marries PhilosophyTube in the UK (needless to say it rains all day on their wedding day) or ContraPoints marries Theryn Meyer in South Africa (meets all her racist family members and friends of the family, "come over here my lovely wife Natalie, I want you to meet the Bothas!")? Or shall I go really wild with ContraPoints marries Jenny Nicholson at Disney World - wedding paid for by Disney as part of their LGBT outreach? How about: ContraPoints goes to the Supreme Court to demand the right to have the first ever LGBT poly-wedding with his 2500 panty sniffers on Tinder? As you can see, the posibilities are endless.

 

[Judge Holden]

Sargon of Swindon marries Anita Sarkeesian

Moviebob is in charge of the decorations

Brianna Wu officiates the ceremony

Paul Joseph Watson sings "dont stop believing" on loop the whole three hour event

Laura Loomer writes the wedding speeches

Amberlyn is on catering duty

Use your imagination to fill in the blanks

 

[A Welsh Cake]

Me and you (you who is reading this right now, don't think I meant any other person, just you bby)
Theme: Sci Fi harry potter
I'll be Non ambiguous, polyproto sapiosemantic Skarrrf (My OC with a super deep backstory that you'll love and is super cool teehee ;P)
You can be the transdisable mechanosexual Saurromantic Zayne from one direction (Harry potter takes place in britain so of course Zayne would be a wizard)
We can be cute flower boys together while all the other uses here on the Kiwi Farms are invited. Though their characters will have to be approved by me, I don't want anyone making any special snowflakes amirite?
Anyway, the tables will be cute dioramas of my favourite parts of the Angry Birds movie, such as the part where the three birds make the german flag colours to symbolise how the movie makers were against the horrible berlin migrant raping spree, or the part where the red bird says some very empowering stuff for all my Black Female POC allies (you go girl person!)
The cake will be a giant pepe stepping on some Jews, because we are naturally both white and thus both not racemixing and taking part in their scheme to overthrow us. Also we use pepe because he's still super funny to this day.
We'll livestream the wedding so that we can get all the donations to be visible and text to speech, which won't be a problem if their full volume because the wedding will be at 4:00 am so everybody asleep won't hear it.
Our Honeymoon will be to Japan, because not only is it the most based and redpilled non-white country, but it's also very progressive with the amount of working transgender women (uwu) down in Kabuki-CHo. And Harijyuku style is just so moood ya'll get me?

Also I will Consumate you. I'm a top and very kinky, I love hardcore stuff like Mild Choking, maybe a bit of dirty talk and occasionally anal. Also you will be inflated.

Hope to see you soon!

 

[Basil II]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGe3ympcGpk
for inspiration

 

[Nykysnottrans]

Use your imagination to fill in the blanks

TJ gets drunk at the wedding reception, then he tries to "grab the bitch's tit" but ends up grabbing Anita, then he and Sargon get into an ugly fist fight because TJ molested Sargon's bride. The fist fight is Livestreamed on Youtube as the Drunken Peasants Revival Stream, which promptly gets both their accounts permanently banned for gratuitous violence.

 

[Disgruntled Pupper]

Lola manages to live to 18. Gwen finds another batshit narc mommy who has a boy potato, and Lola and the male potato begin e-dating. They meet up a couple times, Gwen and other mom eventually decide the two potatos need to get married.

Theme: Gwen
Location: Church in Kansas
Gwen will document every preparation and every moment of the wedding on Instagram
Lola will be in a sparkly princess dress and Gwen will still do her hair in an upknot
Scot will carry Lola down the isle
Cal will be forced to hold both the bride and groom and his picture will be placed on the Wikipedia article to demonstrate a thousand-yard stare
Scot and the male potato mom will force Lola and the male potato to kiss, and both will seize as their faces touch
Gwen will open the reception with a tribute to Claire
Everyone will get shitfaced
Gwen posts an embarrassing blog a few days later about how Lola had nerves and as a result was shitting and projectile vomiting more than usual and even got some poo on her beautiful wedding dress
It will turn out the kiss induced seizure was Lola's last and she's been dead for days

 

[PL 001]

Lindsey.

The theme would be a return/embrace of her dreaded Appalachian roots.

No formal Wear. Everyone, including bride and groom attends in overalls with no shirt underneath, or a wife beater, those skimpy spaghetti strap dresses or sweatpants that have glittery words like "juicy" on the ass. Everyone is barefoot

Catering consists of Budweiser, Steel Reserve, Hormel chili, biscuits and gravy, and McDonald's for the elite attendees.

Goodie bags consist of Skoal chewing tobacco, food stamp cards, the latest Toby Keith album and a MAGA hat

Wedding games consist of a pinata filled with meth

The DJ plays nothing but bluegrass and square dancing

The preacher marrying them is an old-school fire and brimstone good ol boy J. Vernon McGee kind of preacher

Instead of kissing the bride, they celebrate with a good old fashioned hootin'n hollirin

Knowing how much she despises the stereotype she paints her upbringing as, I'd get a kick out of exaggerating the hell out of it.

 

[DrJonesHat]

Russell Greer

The wedding is held in California, in LA, so Russ is forced to fly.
The judge from the TS trial (the first one) is the official.
The bride is a woman with Mobius syndrome, but she takes good care of herself, so she's radiant (but not a 10)
The only beverages are alcoholic, with coffee as a substitute.
The DJ plays only Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, and Katy Perry songs.
During his bachelor party, he goes to a strip club, drops hundreds of dollars and gets thrown out without getting a single lap dance.
Nick Reikata and Greg Skordas crash the reception and are the life of the party.

 

[Sprig of Parsley]

Was going to do MovieBob Chipman but I don't have THAT good an imagination. Sorry.

 

[DrJonesHat]

I was going to do Jonathan Sweet (Iconoclast), but he'd be murdered by the bride to be before the wedding.

 

[PT 522]

If I could go back in time and plan Brianna and Frank Wu's wedding...
Instead of exchanging vows, they have a scream-off.

 

[JambledUpWords]

Riley Dennis and Fiona (August 2021)
Location: Saudi Arabia
Theme: flaming gay
Officiant: Buzzfeed worker in drag
Colors: colors of the new and inclusive pride flag
Decoration: pride flags everywhere and rainbow flowers
Food: includes vegan cheeses, raw vegan pizza and lasagna and a raw vegan cake
Music: call to prayer chants
Clothing: Riley is wearing a latex gown that shows off everything. Fiona is wearing BDSM gear, all the guests are wearing lingerie
Guests: Contrapoints, hbomberguy, Lindsey Ellis, Lindsey Armar (Queer Kid Stuff), Lena Dunham, Tess Holliday, John Green, J.K. Rowling and Kat Blaque

Wedding ends with a massive orgy on a rooftop

 

[Smaug's Smokey Hole]

If I could go back in time and plan Brianna and Frank Wu's wedding...
Instead of exchanging vows, they have a scream-off.

Brianna and Basic Becky, fake-wife and fake-husband in fake-matrimony with fake-incomes.

 

[StyrofoamFridge]

Wingsofredemption and Dana Cain
Match made in heaven

Location: Backyard Patio
Food: Wendy's chili and horrible quality hot dogs
Honeymoon: They speed off in a Red 2014 Ford Mustang to go to the nearest casino, Dana gets arrested promptly

 

[Midlife Sperglord]

Clawshrimpy married a Mamoru inflatable sex doll. Nobody attends. Not even an ableist priest. It’s just the saddest honeymoon ever.