Create Your Own Lolcow -

[Feline Darkmage]

Inspired by an eons old thread I found reading pages in main lolcow, so I thought I would transfer the idea to the more suitable environment of Lolcow General.

Old Thread: https://kiwifarms.net/threads/lets-build-a-lolcow.1911/

Spoiler: example 1

Names / Aliases: The Arby's Master / Arby Solak-Delano
Subtitle: The Dollar Store JoeysWorldTour
Tags: Lolcow (originally Careercow)
Websites: Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram
"Jobs": Youtube Food Reviewer, Fat Italian-Turkish Man, and LOLsuit threatener

Backstory: Originally discovered in cringey food challenge and review videos that generally end up with him puking somehow. Several "youtube commentary" channels mocked him for being like JWT, only severely retarded with an autistic obsession with the restaurant chain Arby's. He made two videos criticizing his "trolls" (read: the commentators) which got made fun of even further and put him on the map of the Kiwis, having a thread made about him by one of his commentators.

Delano was not pleased when he found out about the thread after 4 pages of replies calling him fat and retarded. His thread then got popular after a video calling out "Those Kiwi Farms trolls" for lumping "people just making a living, autistics, and the disabled" with the likes of "Pedophile Nazis" and putting in abuse reports to the server hosts, all recorded on camera as he ranted about getting us blocked from schools so kids "Don't see the cyberbullying" and threatening his prominent "trolls" (mostly youtube commentary channels) with suspension of youtube and twitter accounts.

From his abuse reports it was discovered that his real name was in fact, Arby Solak-Delano, and his thread was updated accordingly, along with his tag changed to 'Lolcow'. Most recently he has chimped out on twitter about KF's "doxing" of his powerword and has gotten into contact with noted lolcows Nora Reed, Colby Claus, Kilgore Sprout, Tommy Tooter and other like them that want to take KF down.

Spoiler: example 2

This one is courtesy of @yawning sneasel

Christian Trainor aka CTRAIN1994
Tag: Artcow
Websites: dA, SoFurry, YouTube (banned from dA)
Jobs: NEET

Christian is moderately functioning and autistic. He expresses himself through his art. Art of interest for Christian include MLP (not FIM; the original), Thomas the Tank Engine recolors he calls "The Christian Train" or "C-Train", and various 1980s characters. Christian reacts to criticism well and will try to change, but fails to do so or will change in ways not intended. An example is when he was asked to do an erotic drawing by his girlfriend. She wanted him to surprise her. He gave her a picture of her as an anthropomorphic rabbit and him as a train with a penis as large as her body with a puddle of urine below her as he fucked her in the ass while gagging her with her rabbit panties. Christian was told that she wouldn't like something so dirty so he made the same drawing but with her over a toilet peeing into the toilet and without a wetspot in the panties gagging her. Christian makes videos where he expresses frustrations with his parents, and commonly mistakes his trolls for being extended family.

So yeah, have fun with this and make your own lolcows, I think this is a fun way to pass the time.

 

[Abethedemon]

Damian Sarms aka Cthulhu's Brood/Spawn of the Black Infinity
Subtitle: deranged Cthulhu Worshiping Hermit
Tag: Careercow with elements of schitzocow
Websites: Youtube, Tempel ov R'lyeh ministries, Facebook
Jobs: High Priest of the Tempel ov R'lyeh, his own religion

Damian Sarms is a 50-something H.P. Lovecraft fan and a lapsed member of the Order of Nine Angles, an organization that supports the destruction of western civilization and human sacrifice. Damian quit the Order because he felt like it was "too dogmatic" and founded his own religion that worships the fictional gods of the Cthulhu Mythos. Most of his time is spent blogging about how the Order of Nine Angles is an evil cult, while simultaneously advocating for war against the mere human mortals and gouging the eyes out of christians. The rest of his time is spent applying for tax-exempt status and posting videos of his outsider meditation music.
Damian lives in a shack in the middle of New Hampshire and does a ton of really fucked up drugs in order to connect him with the Deep Ones. He has cut off all information with his family and is only friends with his group of friends, mainly consisting of naive goths much, much younger than he, called the Cthulhusphere.

 

[Cthulu]

Damian Sarms aka Cthulhu's Brood/Spawn of the Black Infinity
Subtitle: deranged Cthulhu Worshiping Hermit
Tag: Careercow with elements of schitzocow
Websites: Youtube, Tempel ov R'lyeh ministries, Facebook
Jobs: High Priest of the Tempel ov R'lyeh, his own religion

Damian Sarms is a 50-something H.P. Lovecraft fan and a lapsed member of the Order of Nine Angles, an organization that supports the destruction of western civilization and human sacrifice. Damian quit the Order because he felt like it was "too dogmatic" and founded his own religion that worships the fictional gods of the Cthulhu Mythos. Most of his time is spent blogging about how the Order of Nine Angles is an evil cult, while simultaneously advocating for war against the mere human mortals and gouging the eyes out of christians. The rest of his time is spent applying for tax-exempt status and posting videos of his outsider meditation music.
Damian lives in a shack in the middle of New Hampshire and does a ton of really fucked up drugs in order to connect him with the Deep Ones. He has cut off all information with his family and is only friends with his group of friends, mainly consisting of naive goths much, much younger than he, called the Cthulhusphere.

How is he a lolcow?

 

[Andrew Noel Schaefer]

Me

 

[Xarpho]

I originally created two exceptional individuals on the other thread, but the post was lost before being posted.

So I'm recreating one of them (the other one was just a schlub that was less a lolcow and more of a garden-variety neckbeard).

Katy Voss, age 24, of Gilbert, Arizona. She's smart, mildly pretty, and quirky. She's the type of person that guys on the Internet would probably want as a girlfriend...until they find out more about her. She would be considered a NEET despite the fact that she works as a cashier at a local Albertson's. She was discovered when /cow/ discovered her Tumblr is full of her BDSM/furry crap (often both). Despite that, she's not a Tumbrlite/SJW, as she doesn't claim a made-up sexuality and isn't a Steven Universe fan. Basically, imagine a hybrid of CWC and ADF with a dash of Nora Reed, except definitely biologically female and moderately good looking.

Some other facts about her:
- She's really big into animé and lame Sonic OCs (of course)
- There are some unproven yet problematic allegations of her and pedophilia (specifically involving boys half her age)
- Apparently used to be "normal" until animé club in a local community college. This is what more or less started her on her path of darkness.
- She dyes her hair a variety of different colors but doesn't give off "ugly feminist/danger hair" vibes.
- If not her weird fetishes, her bizarre anti-social personality has driven off anyone who's trying to date her IRL. have also appeared as fake boyfriends.
- She DOES have her own made-up country, which is kind of like Phoenix crossed with the anime/otaku vision of Japan (she doesn't get out much).
- There's a concerted effort to see if her "autism papers" really do exist

 

[kagayaki]

Here's my lolcow:

Real name: Rigel Guillermo
Also known as: The Duke of Quingua
Occupation: High school student with SJW and narcissist tendencies and a heavy obsession with The Legend of Korra, UAAP [1] athletes, and pre-colonial Philippine history.
Location: Central Luzon, Philippines
Age: 16
Websites: Facebook, Instagram, Blogger, Twitter, Reddit

Backstory: Rigel identifies himself as a “self-enlightened Protestant Catholic” (yes, both) on his Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter profiles, but actually is raised as a Roman Catholic since his birth. He lives with his parents in a suburban home and goes to a high school which is a few blocks away from the house. He could have at least graduated with a Mass Communication degree, at least cum laude, were it not for his creepy and obnoxious behavior in high school. Also, he thinks that any act that he does is justified as long as he is not called out by anyone in public and said act isn't as depraved as what Nick Bate did.

Notable transgressions that he committed:

• He has posted a picture about a “kontrabida [2] starter pack”, which include pictures of a Credit Suisse building, an Ateneo Blue Eagles T-shirt, and a PlayStation 4 (implying that people who own Swiss bank accounts, students and alumni of UAAP-member universities, and home console gamers are stereotypical villains from Filipino TV dramas). A classmate of his who owns a PlayStation 4 wasn't amused by that and blocked Rigel on Facebook.
• He claims to have bloodbending powers given to him by God. On one occasion, he assumed a weird psychic “stance” towards another classmate who called him out for his talkative behavior in Math class. Even though his family did not have a cable TV subscription, Rigel had read too much of the Avatar Wiki, especially its articles on bloodbending, Amon, and Yakone, to the point that he considers the leader of the Equalists as his “alternate persona”.
• He often blames the United States for the “corruption of Filipino values and culture”.
• He thinks that the Philippines should have sumptuary laws; one of them is that citizens who earn a monthly income of less than ₱100,000 shall not buy luxury products and services (regardless of the price) and cannot live in neighborhoods where rich people usually live.
• He has posted on Facebook that he wants to have a dinner date with a covergirl on the latest issue of Preview Magazine. Said covergirl has already knew of his misbehavior from the friends of his classmates.
• No one has ever bullied him in school. In fact, he is the only bully in the high school that he goes to.

Footnotes:

• [1] UAAP stands for the University Athletic Association of the Philippines, which is a national collegiate sports league in the Philippines just like the American NCAA.
• [2] “Kontrabida” is a Tagalog term for an antagonist in a movie or a television drama. It is derived from the Spanish term contravida (lit. “counter-life”).

 

[Xarpho]

Let's meet another one.

Dennis Sauer, age 22, of Lafayette, Louisiana, aka ArchDX, 15cburger, DennisMCD, or what everyone else calls him, "McSperg". Basically, imagine red3blob, the chubby Twit who talks about politics and pizza and make him less unpleasant but also more socially unacceptable. Sauer is obsessed with most things McDonald's, and talks about the food constantly (and early Kiwis thought talk about Mighty Wings was autistic), posts reviews about their food on his blog (his travels with his family has enabled him to try more unusual entries), and has a collection of just about everything. Those paper things they put on trays (complete with grease spots), old cups (meticulously washed, he may be fat but he's not unhygienic), McDonald's toys (he definitely doesn't get in physical fights with his parents over it), and just about everything else related to the Golden Arches.

Naturally, due to his YouTube freakouts and other notable footprints, he's often mocked and trolled. One of the common reoccurring elements is a huge hatred toward Burger King, he'll criticize the Burger King "Big King" as a shameless ripoff, and criticized the addition of hot dogs to their menu ("Ray Kroc famously NEVER allowed hot dogs!!!!"). Another way he was trolled was someone pretending to be someone from corporate (his gullibility was only stopped by his parents, and he's wised up to things like that, so don't try it), and many other little things that add up to his lolcow-ness. Like any good lolcow, things just happen on their own, no trolling necessary, and in an unusual twist, he's actually surprisingly cool when he's not being trolled or tard raging. No one thinks he's a terrible person, and blatant A-logging is looked down upon even by his own trolls.

Dennis doesn't have a job (yet?) and lives with his parents. He is diagnosed with some form of autism and gets an SSDI check.

 

[Abethedemon]

Artemis Terwilliger: the Gnostic Brony
Tag: Artcow/Schitzocow
Websites: FiMFiction, her blog, Deviantart, various occult forums
Jobs: Vagabond/Ascetic who wanders the streets of Salt Lake City and pawns off of people's WiFi and steals their food
Artemis is a 35 year old grown woman who converted to Gnosticism after watching all of the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and thus lost her job. She believes that the material world is evil and that only fictional shows exist. She gave up her material possessions except for her phone and a shrine of pony dolls in the shape of Abraxas. She became a mendicant by choice, because she thought it would free her of reality more easily and wishes to visit the true realm of Equestria through astral travel. She's friends with many kind people who have taken her into their homes for a short amount of people and gives curses to anyone who doesn't like her. In her spare time, she makes long, 500,000 word novels on MLP characters traveling to different dimensions and creates paranoid fantasies about how the world doesn't want her down. She's a gifted writer, but always seems to misspell and have pointless sex scenes that go on for tens of pages to signify the futility of reality. She has gained sympathy from much of Tumblr for being a homeless person, but in reality, she is more than capable of sustaining herself.
Think Taxman meets ADF.

 

[kagayaki]

Speaking of Rigel Guillermo, he often did that weird psychic stance when his classmates called him out for his rude and awkward mannerisms that they have witnessed. On one occasion, his class adviser (a favorite of all his classmates because she seems to be fed up with his misbehavior) and the principal called for a real hypnotherapist to put the weirdo in his place. The video of the hypnotherapist subduing Rigel (non-lethally) is then uploaded to the Internet by the high school itself (which became viral), to be shown as a warning to children not to make weird mannerisms in public.

 

[c-no]

Name: Jan Bukowski a.k.a EquineLupine9191
Subtitle: Lovers of furry horses and wolves
Tags: Lolcow, Dramacow
Websites: Furaffinity, DeviantArt (banned), Youtube, Furry board of 8Chan.
Jobs: Freeloading young adult in college. On probation due to butting heads with professors poor grades. Formerly a Walmart worker until he scared a child with his creepy fursuit on a Halloween night.

Jan Bukowski is a furry/brony hailing from the west coast of the United States. Born to Polish-American parents who expected a good child, Jan didn't grow up to their expectations after he entered the furry fandom. He squandered the inheritance money from his grandfather by buying two fursuits: a "sexy" mare suit and a edgy wolf suit. A student of the local community college, he has been known for run-ins with administration due to his poor grades and being a nuisance in his fursuits.

He would be put on probation after getting in a heated argument with a biology teacher who told him his sexy mare suit was inappropriate, especially since there was a nearby child development class that had children. His low grades didn't help since he focused more on pointless things than studying and finishing his work. When he entered the art class, his only drawings were furry artwork that was piss-poor and included his favorite furry animals in creepy and sexual poses. The art teacher, aside from getting into an argument with Jan over the drawings, now wished the local weeb took his spot since the weeb only bothered drawing piss-poor Naruto drawings.

Jan thinks the administration is plotting against him and that there is an anti-furry club that wants to crucify him and other furries and bronies.

Trivia: the last words of his grandfather were internal. After seeing the money wasted on fur-suits, Grandfather Bukowski said to himself "o kurwa", known as "oh fuck" in English.

 

[Abethedemon]

I had a dream about a lolcow who was an animation sperg, who loved the Power Puff Girls, but also was a successful middle aged business man who ran a hipster pizza restaurant. I'm pretty sure he was a pedo as well.

 

[Feline Darkmage]

I had a dream about a lolcow who was an animation sperg, who loved the Power Puff Girls, but also was a successful middle aged business man who ran a hipster pizza restaurant. I'm pretty sure he was a pedo as well.

I know this is late af, but do you remember any further details?

 

[Abethedemon]

I know this is late af, but do you remember any further details?

Holy shit, I forgot almost everything about this dream. It sucks when stuff like that happens.

 

[Conrix]

Power word: Pablo

 

[2al]

Here's my lolcow:

Real name: Rigel Guillermo
Also known as: The Duke of Quingua
Occupation: High school student with SJW and narcissist tendencies and a heavy obsession with The Legend of Korra, UAAP [1] athletes, and pre-colonial Philippine history.
Location: Central Luzon, Philippines
Age: 16
Websites: Facebook, Instagram, Blogger, Twitter, Reddit

Backstory: Rigel identifies himself as a “self-enlightened Protestant Catholic” (yes, both) on his Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter profiles, but actually is raised as a Roman Catholic since his birth. He lives with his parents in a suburban home and goes to a high school which is a few blocks away from the house. He could have at least graduated with a Mass Communication degree, at least cum laude, were it not for his creepy and obnoxious behavior in high school. Also, he thinks that any act that he does is justified as long as he is not called out by anyone in public and said act isn't as depraved as what Nick Bate did.

Notable transgressions that he committed:

• He has posted a picture about a “kontrabida [2] starter pack”, which include pictures of a Credit Suisse building, an Ateneo Blue Eagles T-shirt, and a PlayStation 4 (implying that people who own Swiss bank accounts, students and alumni of UAAP-member universities, and home console gamers are stereotypical villains from Filipino TV dramas). A classmate of his who owns a PlayStation 4 wasn't amused by that and blocked Rigel on Facebook.
• He claims to have bloodbending powers given to him by God. On one occasion, he assumed a weird psychic “stance” towards another classmate who called him out for his talkative behavior in Math class. Even though his family did not have a cable TV subscription, Rigel had read too much of the Avatar Wiki, especially its articles on bloodbending, Amon, and Yakone, to the point that he considers the leader of the Equalists as his “alternate persona”.
• He often blames the United States for the “corruption of Filipino values and culture”.
• He thinks that the Philippines should have sumptuary laws; one of them is that citizens who earn a monthly income of less than ₱100,000 shall not buy luxury products and services (regardless of the price) and cannot live in neighborhoods where rich people usually live.
• He has posted on Facebook that he wants to have a dinner date with a covergirl on the latest issue of Preview Magazine. Said covergirl has already knew of his misbehavior from the friends of his classmates.
• No one has ever bullied him in school. In fact, he is the only bully in the high school that he goes to.

Footnotes:

• [1] UAAP stands for the University Athletic Association of the Philippines, which is a national collegiate sports league in the Philippines just like the American NCAA.
• [2] “Kontrabida” is a Tagalog term for an antagonist in a movie or a television drama. It is derived from the Spanish term contravida (lit. “counter-life”).

So, which political party does he support?

 

[Μusk]

Everyone talks about what traits make a lolcow, if lolcows can ever be redeemed, saving lolcows, and what sets the stage for lolcows to exist in the first place.

But no one ever talks about the process of creating a lolcow.
If you wanted to take a normal, regular person, either a part of your social circle, or any random individual, and turn them into a lolcow, how would you do it?

Discuss.

 

[Leonard Helplessness]

Shove his head up his own ass and tell him the internet loves him unconditionally.

 

[SIGSEGV]

I would tell them to make this exact thread.

 

[Wingnut]

Sign them up for Twitter

 

[Salubrious]

Salubrious's First Law of Not Being a Lolcow: 99% of Lolcows don't work 9-5 jobs outside of social media, computer programming, or journalism.

Seriously, how many lolcows on this site actually work a regular 9-5? The only exceptions I've ever seen are those that ironically have learned to code.

I think it's because people that work for a living don't have time to sperg on social media all day.


So to answer your question directly, look for out of work people. Or get them fired if you are being malicious.

Edit: I have included journalism in my first law upon second thought.