New fanart guys, a bit too much hair but otherwise fairly accurate!
holy shit does this guy not know how to talk"My knee is shot, I screwed it up last night. It's a funny story. So, last night, well, yesterday it was my day off, and Kat and I went out and had a nice day together. We went out and did all kinds of things: ran errands, and you know, some shopping we had to do, and all kinds of stuff. We do all this stuff and we got home, and Kat's really tired! She's just completely drained, she's like, 'I kind of want to go to sleep. I know it's a little early, but I'm shot!' I said, 'Okay! Go right ahead! I'm not tired yet! Go ahead! Get to sleep and I'll join you later.' So, she goes to sleep. I'm downstairs, I'm basically getting caught up on my wrestling and stuff for the week. Actually, we had just gotten Hulu, 'cuz Kat got a free trial of Hulu to see how it was. And so, we did this Hulu, I'm watching Smackdown on Hulu and enjoying it. I'm like 'Wow! This is pretty good! I'm probably going to get rid of PSVue, 'cuz it's too expensive.' Which I did, by the way, I got rid of it. Hulu was $45 a month, excuse me, PSVUE was $45 a month! Hulu was, like, $12! And I'm like, 'Hulu has all the shit I watch on, anyway.' So, I dumped PSVue to save money. Okay? So, anyway, I'm watching wrestling, and all of a sudden, I fall asleep! On the couch, okay? I pass out on the couch. And it's the middle of the night, Kat had woken up and realized that I had never come upstairs to bed. She comes down to get me, and so I jump up. 'Cuz, I realize now, oh my God, it's the middle of the night, I had fallen asleep on the couch! So, I jump up off my couch, and I say, 'Oh, man! I screwed up! I fell asleep! Let me get up, let's go quickly together and let's go to sleep!' But, I jumped off the couch too fast, 'cuz I had just woken up. And immediately I got hit with a wave of dizziness, and I fell backwards, back onto the couch, on top of my right knee. And EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN MUSCLE IN MY RIGHT KNEE PULLED SIMULTANEOUSLY AT THE SAME TIME! It just went 'R-I-I-P-P-P-P!' And, I was like, '*Orgasm moan* This sucks! This pain out the ass!' and I was like, 'This really stinks!' So, yes it was a botch! Yes, Coverse, it was a botch. I watch wrestling all night then I have my own botch! So, then I limped upstairs! *hyena laugh* Got to sleep, woke up this morning, okay? And I'm like, '*orgasm moan* My fucking knee! This sucks!' So, anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up, if I'm a little bit on the slower side today, moving around and getting stuff set up. For example, when I move from console to PC and back, with the webcam and the microphone and everything. I'm going to be a little bit on the slower side, I'm hobbling around the house today. My knee is killing me. But I'm hoping that within a couple of days here, my fucking knee will be better! Usually it does! Usually, when I hurt my knee, it hurts real bad for like one day and then it gradually gets better. It takes around 3-4 days. It sucks, 'cuz I have weak knees! I've had things happen to my knees, in my life before. And in this particular case, I literally said, 'R-I-I-I-P!' pulled every muscle in the knee at once! And it's pretty bad. But, it's alright, I'm here streaming everyday for the next four days anyway! Good thing this happened last night, and not like yesterday, when I needed to be out and about all day. This is actually a good timing for it to happen"
181 words compared to 659 words" So, yesterday, Kat and I went out and had a nice day together. ran errands, some shopping, and all kinds of stuff. we got home, and Kat's really tired! she's like, ' I know it's a little early, but I'm shot!' I said, 'Okay! Get to sleep and I'll join you later.' So, she goes. I'm downstairs, getting caught up on wrestling and stuff. I fall asleep On the couch. Kat had woken up and realized that I had never come upstairs to bed. She comes down to get me, and so I jump up. But, I jumped off the couch too fast,And immediately I got dizzy, and I fell backwards, back onto the couch, on top of my right knee. And EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN MUSCLE IN MY RIGHT KNEE PULLED SIMULTANEOUSLY AT THE SAME TIME! and I was like, 'This really stinks!' . I'm going to be a little bit on the slower side, I'm hobbling around the house today. My knee is killing me. But I'm hoping that within a couple of days here, my fucking knee will be better!
Rocksteady is the rhino:I’m half watching the Game Awards and realize just how outmoded Phil is. He looks like a fucking warthog, kind of like an obese Bebop (or is it Rocksteady?). He has nothing interesting to say, and when he does say anything it’s in a nasally voice punctuated by burps and snorts. He refuses to play the popular games (all of the nominated streamers at the VGAs were shown playing Fortnight), and what games he does play is at a low level. Hope he talks shit about Ninja tomorrow.
Whenever Phil says "funny story" it is immediately followed by some mundane description that no one would care about. I think while he may not say it as much as "real talk" it might be more obnoxious.When baited, he will rant and rave about Ninja any chance he gets. He absolutely hates it when people namedrop him, but he can do it to some of the most popular content creators on the fucking planet.
Was Swagginz a mod before he cheered anything?
DSP announced swagginz as a trial mod on March 10. So the PUBG chronicles tell us.He cheered in January 2018, so pretty sure he was modded after that.
"Right behind you, idiot." -WOLFGIRL_666
PUBG - March 10, 2nd stream commentary
"I didn't choose to do this for a living. There was no decision." ???
"I'll be honest with everyone, just making an edited YouTube video is VERY EASY. Doing live improv reactionary commentary is TOUGH."
"People don't realize this because - as I said - I never made charity public, but for those couple years that I actually did make a lot of money on YouTube I actually did do some pretty charitable things but I don't talk about it and I won't." You just talked about it.
The Road to PUBG
It's been 10 days of shenanigans since the last PUBG stream. Since then we've seen:
The salt is going to flow tonight.
- A 24 hour Twitch suspension.
- A direct point of contact made at Twitch.
- The word "fundraiser" stricken from all texts in the realm.
- An 11 year-old who is part wolf. Deal with it.
- A record-setting 30 minute Darkest Dungeon ragequit.
- A not-a-fundraiser with an unreasonable goal of 110+ Twitch subs AND $2,000 in tips.
- A single workday's worth of tax paperwork that left him with a headache, dehydrated, stressed, and nearly blind.
- BOLD ALL CAPS TAX UPDATES added to the gaming schedule and pinned on Twitter.
- Prestream starts with talk of the "Tax Accountant/Attorney." I guess he's multi-classing now.
- 2 new "trial mods"
- @MrSwagginz and @infinite_55
- "Let's see how they do."
- After an under thirty minute prestream we're off to the races.
- This is the longest he's been away from PUBG since he started playing it.
- I daresay he's excited to play this. Cool.
- First cheer is from Derich via proxy.
- Lands at the Prison. Immediately in the same house as someone else. Gets an M16, sprays wildly, and gets a kill.
- Gets killed out of nowhere. It catches me by surprise too, but I'm also 5 beers in.
- Parting shot: "Oh! Wow."
- Place: 52
- Killed by: M4
- Guns at time of death: M16, Mini14, Stun Grenade
- Number of kills: 1
- "Hopefully this time I don't land next to a million people." He landed by one person. And he killed him. With his lover, the M16.
- Chat is talking about Fortnight vs PUBG. He doesn't like it because of how unrealistic it is. Doesn't say he likes PUBG, though. Won't go that far.
- Says people were bored during Heavy Rain. That disappointed him. He is hoping the upcoming influx of new releases at the end of March will bring more people to check out the streams.
- And we're talking about taxes again.
- Runs across the landscape. Takes fire. Takes cover. Reads cheers. Runs and takes fire. Gets away. Reads cheers. Oh fuck! Takes more fire. Runs and successfully flees yet again.
- 36 players left and his controller batteries are low. Will they last the final 15 minutes of laying prone in the grass?
- Spots a guy in the distance and gets a long range kill with the M4.
- Gets in a close range firefight with another guy. Everyone but Phil hears the pin pulled, see the guy throw the grenade, and hears the grenade hit the ground. Phil dies.
- Parting shot: "Oh! Frag Grenade! It just showed up out of nowhere?! It made no noise or nothing!"
- Place: 4
- Killed by: Frag Grenade
- Guns at time of death: M4, AKM, Stun Grenade
- Number of kills: 1
- @infinite_55 gets his green cheer badge for a tithe of 75,000 bits.
- Lands in the wilderness and complains about the lack of guns. This from the guy that shits on Fortnight because it's not realistic yet is unhappy with the gun distribution on the totally realistic PUBG Battle Royal Murder Island.
- Gets killed while trying to loot buildings while reading cheers.
- Parting shot: "Oh. I'm dead. Nothing I could do." Goes back to reading cheers without missing a beat.
- Place: 73
- Killed by: Micro UZI
- Guns at time of death: S686
- Number of kills: 0
- Chat is talking about the average consumer overspending and it elicits this response:"The 'overspending' that I have done honestly was not overspending. It was spending that if I had kept maintaining the amount of revenue that I was making at that time - when I spent that money and incrued that debt - I would be fine.
The problem was I moved across the country in 2014 making a certain amount of money, and then immediately in 2014 YouTube changed the search algorithms so that people who have shorter videos like me, their stuff tanked. So immediately I had a big dip in income in 2014.
Then in 2015, I had the false copyright strikes, I had to delete a bunch of prestreem videos from my channels resulting in millions of views deleted meaning that my-my-my channel was completely obliterated in this YouTube search renderings [???]
So between the years of 2014 and 2016 my income went down by about FIFTY PERCENT, and that's not an exaggeration. It went down about FIFTY FUCKING PERCENT within two years.
I don't know anyone living on a budget making a certain amount of money, and then in two years have half as much and not have a hardship, know what I mean?
Like, it wasn't overspending if I was still making the amount of money I was making when I spent that and incrued [I think he's mixing the words 'accrued' and 'incurred'] that debt. That's the problem. It's that year after year, after year, my income went down, went down, went down, because of all the things that happened on YouTube that were negative. So, you know, it sucks."
- Chat asks something about video editing and we're treated to another word salad that contradicts what he's previously said about edited videos:"I'll be honest with everyone, just making an edited YouTube video is VERY EASY. Doing live improv reactionary commentary is TOUGH.
I've been telling people this for years and years. When people criticize me and said 'Phil, all your videos on YouTube suck because you don't sit there in front of a video editor for hours to edit it and make it look spiffy, and put in effects and transitions, and cut out the dead parts.'
You guys realize that's easy shit? The hard shit is sitting here playing the raw games. That's the hard part. Streaming is WAY harder than editing videos for YouTube, okay? It is! Real Talk™!"
- Gets a car. Flips it up and onto the drivers-side. It eventually falls back onto its tires. The complains about his car being a piece of junk and hanlding like crap.
- We get to see one of my favorite endings, where he drives a smoking, flaming vehicle while taking fire. He's forced out of the vehicle and is immediately sniped.
- Parting shot: "What an amazing game."
- Place: 26
- Killed by: Kar
- Guns at time of death: M16, Mini14
- Number of kills: 0
- Stares at his crotch.
- Parachuting onto Military Island, his hated foe.
- Flips out while landing because he thinks someone else will be landing on the same roof as him. Then they don't so he's cool.
- Walks out of a building and is maybe 20 feet behind another guy. Despite his proximity, he takes a close range shot with the Kar single-shot sniper rifle, which goes wide. The guy turns around and Phil dies with both a revolver and a frag grenade in his possession.
- For all his bitching about the game's lack of good gunplay, it's his decisions that are the cause of the game's percieved poor gunplay. He chose the worst weapon for the situation. The revolver would have worked much better than a sniper rifle at that range AND given him 6 shots. An underhand, cooked grenade would have been beautiful. But no, it's the game's fault.
- Parting shot: "Well! Here's a full automatic SCAR. I have a single shot Kar98. I wonder who is going to win that exchange?"
- Place: 68
- Killed by: SCAR
- Guns at time of death: Kar, R1895 (revolver), Frag Grenade
- Number of kills: 0
- "Already the frame rate's in the toilet." Kat scoff.
- Accidentally sprays with the M16.
- Talking with chat about wrasslin'
- Catches a guy coming out of a house. Sprays all around the guy, who runs behind a building. Phil reloads. "What a great game."
- Phil starts to circle the building and I'm hopefull he's going to find the guy and finish it. Nope. He takes the guy's jeep and runs away. "See you later asshole. I stole your car."
- He goes off on Ronda Rousey and his perspective on her UFC career is uninformed nonsense. This is one of those moments when Phil runs his mouth at something you're knowledge about and you realize just how much of what he says are knee-jerk opinions at best and outright lies at worst.
- While driving the dune buggy a jeep crashes into him. They both stop. They other guy gets out. Phil backs up while the other guy shoots him. Phil gets the other guy to run after him, and once he's too far away from his jeep, Phil guns it and runs the guy over. Credit where credit is due, that was a good move.
- After driving around in circles forever, runs another guy over.
- Tries to run over a third guy but he's hugging a tree and Phil can't get close enough. The guy and the circle are both chipping away at him.
- Parting shot: "What the fuck?! Was that?!"
- Place: 15
- Killed by: Whatever you call this:
- Guns at time of death: M16
- Number of kills: 2
- I notice his two new mods both still tip and cheer to talk to Phil. Maybe that's normal? I can't keep the natural laws of the Chaos Realm straight anymore.
- He misses the fan art that people do for him. He says he hasn't received much of it recently and it's dissapointing. He's hoping that will change with the influx of new games soon.
- Flips a jeep.
- 38 players left. Game crashes.
- Parting shot: "Oh noooooooooo!"
- Place: ?
- Killed by: the game
- Guns at time of death: M16, M4, Frag Grenade
- Number of kills: 0
- Real Talk™: 2
- Wrasslin' discussions: 3
- Asshole Attorney mentions: 3
- Tax explanations: 4
- Kat scoffs: 1
I prefer the narrative where his twig legs were too weak from slumber to support his Mr. Potatohead form.Dark's story about how he hurt his knee is so beyond absurd it's hilarious because it reveals so much about him. He's sleeping on the goddamn couch while his soulmate is alone in bed, which come on nothing even needs to be said. Like a wild animal that's been startled from their hibernation, he immediately jumps up and runs in any random direction to get away from the perceived threat. In his bestial confusion, he manages to fall backwards onto the couch and somehow hurts his knee, to the point where he's hobbling around the house (like it even matters since he walks 100 steps at most in a day). So not only does Dark sleep on the couch like a cuck, he becomes easily frightened, he's uncoordinated and has fragile muscles/bones, his life is so dull that accidentally falling on the couch is a story that he just has to tell his viewers like it's some important life event rather than some mundane shit that you forget about 10 minutes after it happens.
Get a life, Dark. And exercise a little while you're at it, for fuck's sake.