Deagle Nation Tarot Readings For Everyone -

[KingofManga420]

Ok so like in this thread or whatever the.. universe has like been telling me that we need a spiritual dude on the forums and shit and I decided I should put it out there and realign my chakras so I can do some tarot readings for you guys.

Now I don't have my cards on me or anything BUT I found us the next best thing*...
http://radiant-brushlands-9324.herokuapp.com/

I tried like, looking for a randomizer so we could go and generate your readings randomly but like the universe man it said it wasn't in the cards. I think, ya dig? Don't worry though its cool man, I gots a different plan. Basically just scroll your browser page up and down like you're a fucking mad man like its nobodies business and when you feel ready go head and land your cursor on one and note it (no cheating or Zebulon doesn't get fed meat for another day).

Basically you're gonna need like, six words and you're gonna jot them down- in order- that's important or something. The first three cards are going to be your reading and uh the other three are your wife er husband in the future or past or present. The universe can be pretty vague sometimes ya dig?

Post your Deagle Nation Tarot Card Substitutes here man and I'll interpret them the way the universe tells me to ya dig? Specify gender/sexuality if you want the partners reading to be accurate otherwise it will be a she.

*Thanks to @MostExcellent for creating us our official Apples to Apples Tarot randomizer app, that was extremely chill of him. Cool dude, 10/10 would smoke green ganja with him

 

[Flowers For Sonichu]

Keanau Reeves
Painting a Fence
Mushrooms
Hot Wheels Cars
Incense
Lions & Tigers

 

[Protoman]

We should do this with Cards Against Humanity.

 

[KingofManga420]

Keanau Reeves
Painting a Fence
Mushrooms
Hot Wheels Cars
Incense
Lions & Tigers

Hmmmm ok like I think... The universe...

You are Keanu Reeves because you are a pained individual with a fucked up backstory. You are currently sad right now? It has likely been sometime since you were ever happy and if I had to guess like it would be back when you filmed the Bill and Ted Movie. Currently however you're sad because you have to go paint a fence because of an agreement you made when you were high on mushrooms.

Your wife... let me just blitz these chakras with some green ganja.

She used to play with hot wheels cars a lot when she was a child and she was made fun of for it because she was always like one of the boys, ya dig? That all changed when she went to highschool and shit and found meditation and she went out and bought like a ton of incense and started meditating. Now she's like, at one with nature and lions and tigers flock to her and do her bidding and shit because of how peaceful she is.

That's what the universe is telling me.

We should do this with Cards Against Humanity.

That's not the joke but maybe for yours?

 

[impossibility]

Goldfish
Yin & Yang
Pennies
Giant Squid
Cleaning Your Room
The Grand Canyon

This is gay Kyle can I go play your x-box now?

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

Bread and water

GI Joe

Lenin’s Tomb

My best friend

Richard Nixon

Teenagers

 

[KingofManga420]

Goldfish
Yin & Yang
Pennies
Giant Squid
Cleaning Your Room
The Grand Canyon

This is gay Kyle can I go play your x-box now?

Someone didn't read the poll...

Hold on brother I got this shit... hmm....

Goldfish mean something deep to you, as a child you probably had a pet one and had to let it die and flush it down the toilet or maybe your cat ate it. That's probably like how they make such shitty pets. Yin and Yang are what you need to focus on finding a balance of in your life or something. They're the ancient Japanese symbols of light and darkness and they represent what ties you to the universe. This may not be 100% accurate, but like, in the future you could (?) find a penny or more than one.

Now for your wife... You're probably like going to find a way to make anime real or something because the universe is telling me that your wife is really used to being covered in tentacles. or she may just be a deep sea marine biologist and is like hunting for the mythical giant squid or some shit when she's not cleaning your room. The grand canyon is symbolism for the chasm in her heart from all of the abuse the tentacles have given her and you will need to like fill that chasm with your love, ya dig?

The universe may not always be accurate but like I do my best to interpret it here.

 

[KingofManga420]

Bread and water

GI Joe

Lenin’s Tomb

My best friend

Richard Nixon

Teenagers

Your cards are pretty interesting man...

You're kinda like jesus you know? He did that thing with the bread and water and in the past you've eaten both of those in the morning while you watched GI Joe growing up. Kinda like Jesus you probably got a great destiny ahead of you as you become a great adventurer and traverse the unmapped regions of Russia to discover Lenin's Tomb but the universe isn't telling me if you like die at 33 or whatever so you may just wanna be careful around any jews you meet while traveling Russia.

Now for your partner...

Best friend is like how she views her relationship with Richard Nixon. She is a very old woman but very powerful, and you're attracted to the Gmilfs apparently. When you meet her she already had a couple of kids who may or may not be the bastard children of Nixon but in time you'll win over her teenagers as their new dad.

Gotta remember the universe is a pretty crazy place man and keep trucking.

 

[A-Stump]

Alien abductions
Cinderella
Gossip
Lemons
My first kiss
Silk

 

[KingofManga420]

New rule, specify gender/sexuality if you want the partners reading to be accurate otherwise it will be a she, ya dig?

 

[Randall Fragg]

Alan Greenspan.

Vietnam, 1968.

Salt n Pepa.

Charging Rhino.

Dennis Rodman

Gall Bladder

 

[KingofManga420]

Alien abductions
Cinderella
Gossip
Lemons
My first kiss
Silk

Man I'm hesitant to even kinda do this for you cause like you're not even human and I'm not sure Apples to Apples readings works on your kind but lemme do my best for you kay?

In the past you flew around with your compatriots in a little like UFO and together you all abducted people and experimented on them. You kept watching them until you heard about some cartoon or some shit called Cinderella and you watched it and decided you wanted to live alongside her people because her story touched you in one of your three alien hearts, but like, people gossip about you all the time because they think something's off man and you don't look quite human.

I'm gonna guess you're a girl and... you met....... near a lemon tree because he's a lemon farmer. He grows tired of this after meeting you and you share first kisses before running away to become silk traders just like Cinderella.

I did the best I can man but I've never done a reading for an alien ya know?

 

[Protoman]

That's not the joke but maybe for yours?

Nah, I was just joking about the fact that CAH is basically apples to apples except for terrible people. Like all of us!

 

[Cute Anime Girl]

Anna & The King

Belt Buckles

Donuts

Terrorist Attack (WOW DISRESPECTFUL TO THE MARINES)\

Buddies

Screaming



This is realistic

 

[Himawari]

Hit & Run
Mount Rushmore
Flags
Hotdogs
Surfing The Net
Walt Disney

 

[KingofManga420]

Alan Greenspan.

Vietnam, 1968.

Salt n Pepa.

Charging Rhino.

Dennis Rodman

Gall Bladder

Hmm.

Your spiritual guardian is like Alan Greenspan after he stepped down as chairman of the federal reserve and passed away. He's an angel now and he protects you in the past and present and future like some sort of time travelling guardian banker. You remember that one time in Nam' where you though Charlie was gonna like get you in the head with that full on guerilla warfare shit? It wasn't your squadmate Ricky who took that bullet for you, it was the future ghost of time traveling Alan Greenspan. You're a pretty strong guy, and the universe is telling me that you're proud of your guns and what ya got... Salt n Pepa are what you will tattoo on your gonads so the ladies know exactly what they're gonna get.

Your future wife is a big girl, not a fatty or shit but BIG, STRONG, she is probably hispanic because she used to be a Luchador by the name of Charging Rhino, or in the local tongue, Rinoceronte de Carga, ya dig? You watch her fight and become deeply in love with her and propose to her on the spot. She is happy but states that there is something in the way of her marriage to you, her ex boyfriend and the only man to ever defeat her in combat, professional athlete Dennis Rodman. You like slay him on the B-Ball court and his game is disgraced and you and Charging Rhino live happily ever after. She later dies of a Gall Bladder diesease several years later.

That's what the universe is telling me.

 

[KillerBob]

Ernest Hemingway

The Beach

Bonbons

The 1920s

Celine Dion

Schindlers List (!)

 

[Da Pickle Monsta]

I'm male, straight, married. My cards are:

Apple Juice
Yo-Yo
Cuba
Pro wrestling
Chinatown
Teletubbies

 

[KingofManga420]

Anna & The King

Belt Buckles

Donuts

Terrorist Attack (WOW DISRESPECTFUL TO THE MARINES)\

Buddies

Screaming



This is realistic

Let's see what the universe gave me to work with here brother.

I'm seeing from your first card that in the past you traveled to a far away land and were romanced by a savage ruler with a lust for white people but he thought you were a girl and was disappointed. Belt buckles are important to your future and you should be very wary of them, and if possible do not make eye contact ANYWHERE else on anyone you talk to but their belt buckle. It may cost you your life... Donuts are your lucky item and you would do well to consume as many as you can at once to absorb their luck, but as soon as you take a fiery shit you'll lose all your protection so like... be careful and shit when you shit or have to shit ya dig?

You and your future wife will like meet in a terrorist attack or some shit by muslims presumably and in the wreckage of the second 9/11 you'll find a lone survivor, a beautiful muslim girl who was shamed because her suicide bomb vest did not like go off properly and they fucked it up. You end up covering for her because it's been like ages since you got any pussy and think by playing the hero you'll get some of that brown peach but she friendzones you kinda and you end up a buddies. You can't really take it man, after a while you kinda give in and while the universe is giving me vague details here but there's a lot of screaming. Not sure what happens but theres apparently a kid looking really, really sad a few years later.

Hope I had all my chakras alligned or else that's probably all just bullshit.

 

[A-Stump]

This experience was a false flag on my gender and my species identity ok can we just play Xbox now