DELICIOUS DINNER RECIPE | VLOGMAS DAY 1 - 12/01/19 -

C3PBRO

YOUR AND IDIOT
kiwifarms.net
We can regularly see her cups have no structure, doing nothing to hold up her boobs (I guess it's a blessing she has none). Every time we spot a bra strap it is never taut against her skin, but flapping around her shoulders. And it's obvious to me now that her band does nothing, because if it was in any way fitted it would have sliced her ham hocks off at the armpits.

It's stinky, filthy, everyone makes fun of her for wearing it, and it has zero usefulness. Why does she continue to wear this? Why does she steadfastly refuse to get rid of it? Did she commission some witch or hag to banish the undying soul of a mortal enemy to this bra?
 

beanbag in a hurry

good lord!
kiwifarms.net
We can regularly see her cups have no structure, doing nothing to hold up her boobs (I guess it's a blessing she has none). Every time we spot a bra strap it is never taut against her skin, but flapping around her shoulders. And it's obvious to me now that her band does nothing, because if it was in any way fitted it would have sliced her ham hocks off at the armpits.

It's stinky, filthy, everyone makes fun of her for wearing it, and it has zero usefulness. Why does she continue to wear this? Why does she steadfastly refuse to get rid of it? Did she commission some witch or hag to banish the undying soul of a mortal enemy to this bra?
Dude, I just want her to
put on a Bikini cat/Kandy Foxxesque show with her putting on a bra on all her fat rolls at once.
 
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L_I_F_T_E_D

kiwifarms.net
DELICIOUS DINNER RECIPE | VLOGMAS DAY 1 - 12/1/2019 (Welcome to Vlogmas 2019!)
Because I still hate myself and my blood pressure enough to watch these "inscrutiateen" videos so YOU DON'T HAVE TO:

- New intro, with credit in the notes and not in the intro itself. Interesting new "Not for kids under 13". The videos aren't exactly intended for anyone besides herself, really. Really missing the "Lah" jingle, TBH.

- Admits it's November 30th, and that we'll see it on December 1st. Somehow Nov 31 disappeared?

- "I HELPED WITH THE NEW INTRO. I ADDED THE MUSIC."

- Already flashing back to "yesterday". They had a Thanksgiving "situation". *eye rolls* They're off to Beggy's family's house - because Hamber was TOTALLY INVITED.

- Hamber is thankful for her subscribers, because they watch her many many ads. But now she can talk about Christmas "without getting yelled at". As if the reason people yell at Hamber has to do with the holidays, rather than her attitude, abusiveness, and all-around rotten soul?

- Showing off the Torrid Tent - which clearly was meant to go down to the feet of a relatively-normal human as a "dress" and instead goes not-so-far down those leggeens on the LymphaBlob.

- Bonus shot of the curtain tassel eereengs.

- Another mention of the Thanksgiving "situation". She's on a floor mattress because she's so pooped from all that moving around.

- Her throat felt scratchy like she might be getting sick but thought it was allergies from the cat or maybe improperly deep-throating an entire turkey leg wrong, but y'all - SHE MIGHT HAVE A COLD.

- She claims she'll be "calling a doctor" - does that mean she's willing to shell out non-insurance money? Or will she be scamming some emergency/critical care clinic again? Or is she just a BIG FAT LAH like usual? Place yer bets!

- Back to the "present" for an anti-plug for some bullshit makeup from one of her monthly boxes. (I'm honestly in no mood to cross-reference.) Close-up of the jowls while BeautyGuruLynn whines about her failures.

- Hamber is out of breath just standing to film the piles of dishes that exist, and claims she'll be putting on music and cleaning up. Smash cut to her sitting down after "Round 1" instead of proving she can stand and perform a simple household chore.

- "I ONLY HAD ONE PLATE!" (cue the Chris Farley "LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING" gif) "It was a piled-on plate." *rolls eyes*

- Benzy bought a tablecloth ALL BAH HERSELF! ISN'T THAT PRECIOUS??? Somehow she managed to do that without falling asleep at the wheel!

- Upcoming Movie Night: Eloise at Christmastime

- Hamber creepin' on the postal carrier, huffing and waggling a selfie stick.

- Hamber waddles into the rain, which qualifies as the only shower she'll take during Vlogmas. Her waddling is so slow, it required TWO cute of her same royalty-free music she so professionaly edited in.

- HuffeenPuffeenLynn in full effect from a walk to the mailbox and back. (But she's SO BUILDING UP THAT STAMINA YOU GUISE.)

- This unboxing is taking place at 7:48pm, per the clock on the wall? Maybe that clock is broken?

- Her Amazon Haul: "One List A Day (for three years)". How very sad to buy something that both never will get used, and will certainly outlive her.

- She's "done with the dishes". Her makeup has devolved into more of her usual bags-under-eyes nightmare level.

RECIPE:
- onion
- baked potato (think she means baking potato as it's not baked yet)
- some veggie (frozen broccoli/cauliflower/carrots)
- chicken
- salsa
- hot sauce

Cook the chicken and onion in water (because of the calorees). Microwave pretty much everything else.
Dump limp veggies on plate.
Dump microwaved potato on top and cut it in half.
Dump limp chicken and onions on top.
Slather with salsa and hot sauce.
Shovel mushy slop pile into gaping maw (and monetize from feeders).

COMMENTS OF THE DAY! (Fuck, there's going to be 5 minutes of this?)
Comment #1: Heather A - "ham and chicken? gorl where the turkey tho?"
Response: NO TURKEY HAMBER SAD
Comment #2: kt k8 - "Welcome to hater nation! Sign here, here, and here's your name badge xD"
Response: CUTE.
Comment #3: Suspicious Minds - "three laugh-crying emojis"
Response: OKAY.
Comment #4: Agnie K - "I feel so bad for Becky... AL forcing her to make some decoration, go shopping for homeless people, take it to the shelter because SHE wants to... she basically still has to do whatever AL asks her to do"
Response: VERY VERY WRONG. SHE WAS EXCITED. IT WAS FOR HER. WRONG.
Comment #5: XION SHIO - "Walk that also helps with weight loss"
Response: I DO WALK. I WALKED FOR 9 MINUTES ONE TIME. RICKY SAW IT.
Comment #6: BlueGypsyDoll - "I honestly hope the best for everyone here. Happy holidays"
Response: SAME TO YOU
Comment #7: Lisaa a - "Let's touch every single object in Walmart while Becky is having an out of body moment in the background"
Response: BECKY WAS WAITING. EVERYONE TOUCHES EVERYTHING IN WOMMART.
Comment #8: Stephany Brand - "Hashtag.....Wal-Mart is the only store u go to."
Response: IT'S THE ONLY STORE WHERE I LIVE. (BUT ALSO KROGER AND TJ MAXX.)
Comment #9: flower power - "Girl i loveee watching your videos."
Response: THANK YOU.

- "These are going to be super boring!"

TL;DR: MUSHY FOODS AND A WET HAMBER. COME FOR THE LAHS, STAY FOR THE REPEATED ROYALTY-FREE JINGLE LOOP! (BUT DON'T. JUST SKIP!)
 

DefCon Dumb

Confronter of Cryptoid Cuntiness
kiwifarms.net
Yeah - once she gets the tree & house decorated, (2 vlogs), she's out of material. Lipstick ain't making her lips look thin - the billowing pillows of fat around them do. TWO Thanksgiving feasts - no wonder she's chirpy. So... "turns out I wasn't sick at all"; referencing the ER visits but is now. Funny that - after her 2nd ER visit she told us she wasn't going to give us a diagnosis but hopefully 'with medication' it would get better but it could be DEADLY!!! Were you lying then or are you lying now? So Becky "All by her growed up self" bought & paid for a tablecloth. Could she have sounded more condescending? Nobody ever tell her you pull plastic wrappers off spuds before you microwave them? Walking 9 minutes? I'll believe that when I see her do a highly speeded up, visibly timed march around the living room. Not 1 iota of evidence looking at her, that she's dropped any weight.
 

Keyboard Warrior

kiwifarms.net
I don't think her life is even real to her. Shit starts to get really wonky when you hit your thirties. Amber's problems will only compound and I have a feeling the vlogs will stop the moment she's so unwell, she can't even muster the energy to do the only thing that's effortless to her: LYING.

People have eyes, Gorl. So good luck glossing over the sudden appearance of soiled bed pads and oxygen tanks and medicine bottles lying around.

Oh, but look at you walking to the mailbox and dancing in the rain! Living your best 630-ish pound life.

If this is all she wants out of hers, then at least own it completely, you fake fuck. Find a vein and just inject the salt and sugar intravenously so your mouth can take a goddamn vacation. Some parts of you do work hard. Just not the important parts.

I know it's a little MOTI, but that salmon deserved more dignity. Imagine getting murdered twice, and the second time is from being buried in onion powder and inhaled Kirby-style down her throat. RIP Salmon. 🐟 And RIP to the steamed veggies she pretends to like too.
 

beautiful person

kiwifarms.net
Individually wrapped potato that she microwaved with the fucking wrapper on

Is she crazy?
Right? How completely wasteful and pointless.

I can only assume she thinks the plastic wrapper some necessary steaming effect, like the potato is being steam-baked. But you can literally just take a regular ol' potato, sans plastic, and microwave bake it with no extra bs.
 
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Barbarella

Guards! To the Mathmos with this winged fruitcake.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I’m fascinated by the mechanics of obese walking. I’m used to the swaying side to side like a schooner in a hurricane, but watching her waddle down the driveway is mysterious. Ive watched it over and over and I can’t figure it out.

Do her knees bend? Does one leg go past the other leg, or is that impossible? . Does she heave the left leg over right leg, or is right foot step, even up, right foot step, even up. Impossible to tell, even watching closely. I know her fupa is pulling down on her back, causing her to lean back to overcompensate, but I’m just not sure how forward progress is made. Her feet seem to be pointed outward permanently, and I hope to God she has socks on because there is zero color in those feet which doesn’t bode well for what’s left of her circulatory system.
 

DefCon Dumb

Confronter of Cryptoid Cuntiness
kiwifarms.net
Her knees do bend but not as much as they should. She's limited to short steps because of all the extra real estate in her abdominal area. As for her general gait - it's always reminded me of a slightly toned down version of that little "walk & stomp", forward & sideways walk sumo wrestlers do before a match.
 

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