nice copypasta retardAlright assholes. Buckle up. I know many of you have been waiting for this, and after much reflection, deep thought, and consultation with absolutely zero lawyers, I believe the world is ready for my greatness to be thrust upon it.
My fellow autists,
It is with an unsettling mixture of both pride and melancholy that I, Consenticles, announce my 2020 bid for presidency of the internet. This includes all its incorporated territories, real or otherwise.
In fact, as my first official action once I assume this position, I shall be annexing Earth into my realm. Perhaps if I am relected in 2024, I shall expand our reach to the rest of the solar system, but let's stick to what is realistic and not get ahead of ourselves here. Clearly, based solely on my intentions to annex the planet, you know that I mean serious business. This is a campaign with real goals and real expectations. I will not be held back by the pathetic laws which have held my fellow netizens in chains for far, far too long. We shall forge a new path, unimpeded by stupid frivolities such as speed limits and boundaries. For on the information highway, there shall be no speed limit. For on the internet, there is an unending, infinite horizon which cannot be contained.
Now, you may be wondering what my principle stances are on the big issues. You will be glad to know I have always been consistent with these issues, ever since I announced my candidacy for President of the Internet at the very beginning of this post.
On racial demographics, tensions: We are living in an age where, despite the massive influx of wealth provided by technology. Quite frankly, I believe that there is an embarrassing and disgusting knowledge gap between the difference races of netizens everywhere. I know that no one wishes to speak of this, but as your president I shall tackle the tough issues head on, most importantly with the following declaration: yes, Mac users are subhumans. I do not wish to change their ways, I just want to acknowledge their stupidity in the form of clever memes and a massive, billion dollar PR campaign which allows you to upload pictures of pathetic Apple customers to massive billboards next to every major highway. Together, we can all defeat this great fruit menace.
Conversely, we shall promote Linux operating systems by giving every PC user a penguin. It is common knowledge that penguins smell horribly, and are undoubtedly the biggest assholes in the entire animal kingdom. PC users may exchange their penguin for a sexy machine, preinstalled with Linux. Your penguin will be donated to the nearest exotic food restaurant, where no one shall notice its horrible stench.
Racial tensions are high in today's society. So I would like to immediately delete Facebook and other social networking sites, replacing them with anonymous image boards. We shall engage in a new era of assumed anonymity, which will completely solve all race issues - because on the internet, I don't know if you are black, white, or Chinese, and it should remain that way. Now when someone posts "gas the jews," we will not look at this person as a white male, a Russian hacker, or even a philosophical 13 year old. Nay, we shall only see the screen name and their words. Words which cannot be directed at anyone in particular, because we don't know who anyone actually is.
I have but one necessary exception to the rule, and it is limited to the realm of our most esteemed content creators. Pornhub and its many siblings shall still have the right, nay, the privilege, to verify its many esteemed celebrities.
On authority, law and order: I shall have a strict, unyielding policy of having absolutely no responsibility and intention to police the content that may venture into my realm. I don't care, and neither should you. In fact, I absolve all responsibility of every facet of the internet. But I must remind you all at this time that we are not savages, and therefore we shall have some semblance of standards.
The first issue is that of child pornography. I denounce it, and it has no place in our society. But I am not going to be employing any sort of "internet police" - in fact, if there is any such thing, I shall be dissolving such an organization. Instead, all depictions of this despicable act shall be directed to an anonymous and encrypted tip line, which may be handled by local authorities in the physical realm outside of the internet. Removal of such content shall be encouraged to be swift by the sovereignty of your specific website administrator. If not removed completely and discreetly, in an expedient fashion, then that's something that the FBI or whatever is going to have to deal with. Because I don't want anything to do with that shit.
On censorship: The internet shall be a Wild West territory, a free range, unincorporated and unenforceable grey space in which we can all act as we please. If you want to be a complete retard, I say this is your right. If you want to be a big boy, then this too is your right! The internet shall judge you as it sees fit, and only the fragility of your ego and feelings can deter you from expressing this right. Instead of closing our society, we shall open it completely. There are no parameters in which your conversations and jokes must be held. We shall not climb the perilous ladder of censorship, for what is acceptable in one household may be banned in another. But what fun would it be if we let those who demanded censorship dictate the way we live? Nay, I say! We shall arm the populace with an unlimited arsenal, allowing each and every netizen to establish themselves on equal footing. An armed populace is a populace that shall not want for liberties.
The open Wild West internet will act like a pressure valve, in that people may release their hatred uncensored - preventing these feelings from being bottled up and released in the form of actual violence. For generations society has done well without needless censorship, with unfettered access to town halls and town squares to crow about in. A nature of all things was once expressed without impediment. Those who had stupid ideas would be subject to ridicule or ignored, as is the natural order of things. Those who actually made sense, were embraced and their ideas fueled. I wish to continue this legacy, encouraging all manner of ridicule and vitriol to be flung toward ideas you hate, and all manner of compliments and dick pics to be sent to those you love.
On Privacy: As many of you know, there is a great deal of the population which has no fucking idea how to interact online in an anonymous capacity. They are what I like to call "attention whores." The new age of anonymity shall be something of a growing pain for them. They will hate it at first, but with the steady stream of embarrassing "power level" ratings, they shall slowly but surely adjust as mankind has done many a time in our most storied history.
No doubt there will be those who cannot accept this way of life, always trying to chime in as an expert, always trying to relate their personal experiences in unnecessary tirades. Such will be full of identifying details which trolls will no doubt compile onto sketchy websites, slowly building a disturbing psychological profile based on the users' own admissions. Their doxxing is inevitable, but unlike my constituents, I encourage all variety and depth of doxxing, because I don't fucking care. If you should feel the need arise, or if you are simply just bored of your unfulfilling life, then you always have the option to dox them back. Darwinism has a new child, and those fit to use the internet without screaming their personal identities from the rooftops, are now the "fittest".
On compromise: While my opinions are strong, and I am sure many of you may disagree with some of my policies, I am not blind to the current environment, one in which we all desperately need to extend an olive branch across the aisle! For our most sensitive netizens, I propose a beautiful and fully functional clone of the internet. Some may call it a safe space, while others may see it as a virtual concentration camp. But I see it as a compromise. General news and content creators will have the ability to post on both Internets with a single submission. The only difference is that my internet will allow free discussion, while the Space Space Internet shall be full of rainbows and butterflies, and everyone sucking each others' dicks in a circle as they fall over themselves to enthusiastically agree with each other.
For those who cannot manage a peaceful and prosperous life in our new world, they will have yet another option: staying offline. The internet is optional, yet for many it is a scary place where they feel the need to justify their views as the politically correct way. They do not post content for themselves, but instead drown in their undying necessity to be validated by other like-minded individuals. For them, we have an answer: a place where everyone else is worried about their self image, a place where you can be as fake as you want and no one will call you out for it - because they too are addicted to this fake reality. For them, we have Real Life.
They just get to stay offline, or perhaps they may self quarantine into our safe space version of the internet. When they are mature enough to handle the big boy internet, they may come back at any time. But this requires them to be able to handle mean words displayed by pixels on a screen.
In a way, access to these multiple levels of exposure should help cultivate a reality that everyone can be satisfied with. Undesirables who are unfit to handle a world without censorship are not required to expose themselves to such an overwhelming freedom. They will not have to live with the possibility that not everyone agrees with their views. Nay, they may live in their fantasy land, projecting their views in whatever capacity they wish. So long as our realm of the uncensored internet exists, we shall have the freedom to choose our reality without forcing everyone else to conform to it.
A slogan unlike any before: Former political candidates have had slogans like "Yes we can!" or "Make America Great Again," but judging by the sheer enormity of this post, I am clearly not one for such simple statements.
No, my slogan shall be "With enough determination, lube, and forward momentum, anything is possible."