Dove Reviews - Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

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yasscat

yass
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
i almost posted this in the cool cat thread but i didnt want to derail it but it still cracks me up (from there hungry game mockingjay part 2 review)
Mutts aren't mutants in the traditional sense, goddammit

From their review of The Dark Knight:
fucking space chimps is an alternative to TDK said:
Unfortunately, due to the strong level of violence, in addition to very strong language, we are unable to award our Dove “Family-Approved” Seal to this movie. “Journey to the Center of the Earth” in 3-D is a nice alternative option right now, or “Space Chimps”.
eta: finally read the entire thread, saw that the TDK review was already posted. my bad :oops:
 
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Bugaboo

I have to kill fast and bullets too slow
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
http://www.dove.org/review/9004-the-lion-king-3d/
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/lionking_the.htm
Two reviews of the same movie that couldn't be any more different. And for a bonus, Care Bears are as equally inappropriate for kids as Jurassic Park.
http://www.dove.org/review/6532-care-bears-the-movie/
I don't understand because there's magic but it's shown as being a bad thing because it makes the kid evil and the magical being is obviously the bad guys and the good guys win in the end
I guess the care bears also have magic because they use that stomach beam thing a few times but I dunno

I have never ever understood why fundies are so scared of magic and the occupt and shit to the extent where even if it's so much as mentioned as exsisting in a work or if it's there are it's a bad thing, they'll flip their shit. Humans can't do magic, we can't do Harry Potter shit and if we try to nothing will happen because that is purely fiction. Is their super devout belief in things they can't see fucking up their ability to seperate reality and fiction? There was a chick in my class in like 6th grade and we read a book about a girl who tried to make 1000 paper cranes so the Gods would grant her a wish and her mother literally pulled her out of school because of this. Like, you're not exposing your kid to other cultures because they believe different things? That's how you raise a fucking racist little bastard growing up thinking people who think differently are eeeevil.
 
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AnOminous

Really?
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
The King James Version of the Bible has at least eight seperate verses saying witchcraft is bad throughout the Old Testament.
It's important to point that out, because the reason for those references, which are often mistranslations, is because King James himself was obsessed with witches and witchcraft.

I don't think the obsession of some fundie-types with witches and the occult is limited to those who use the King James Version, though.
 

MysticMisty

kiwifarms.net
I don't understand because there's magic but it's shown as being a bad thing because it makes the kid evil and the magical being is obviously the bad guys and the good guys win in the end
I guess the care bears also have magic because they use that stomach beam thing a few times but I dunno

I have never ever understood why fundies are so scared of magic and the occupt and shit to the extent where even if it's so much as mentioned as exsisting in a work or if it's there are it's a bad thing, they'll flip their shit. Humans can't do magic, we can't do Harry Potter shit and if we try to nothing will happen because that is purely fiction. Is their super devout belief in things they can't see fucking up their ability to seperate reality and fiction? There was a chick in my class in like 6th grade and we read a book about a girl who tried to make 1000 paper cranes so the Gods would grant her a wish and her mother literally pulled her out of school because of this. Like, you're not exposing your kid to other cultures because they believe different things? That's how you raise a fucking racist little bastard growing up thinking people who think differently are eeeevil.
Rather then teach from example regarding good and bad fundies would rather stick their kids heads in the sand and under a rock. They think if their kids see it that it will literally influence them to do the same, and beyond.

Regarding magic specifically the CAP dipshit is a total hypocrite because he refuses to acknowledge magic (or anything bad) in Mary Poppins, excusing it away as miracles and other bullshit.
 

Morose_Obesity

Let white people enjoy things
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
There was this giant tärd at the budget theater who was immune to being fired for the most part.
He'd make shitty comments about me seeing movies with magic in them (brainwashed by superchristians or something)
I went to the first YuGiOh movie mainly for the free cards, and let's call him Scottarded, okay? He was vile about YuGiOh.
I happen to enjoy Dan Green shouting stupid shit in an adr booth and it's my right to like that dumbass show for that petty reason.
I got his ass suspended for two weeks because he lunged at me (I called him "lunchbox".
Another time he came in during "Not another teen movie" during Carina Vincent's first topless scene and leered. Doing the usher thing... I guess.
I shoulda said her tits were mystical. They certainly looked magical to me.
He was 7 inches taller than me and outweighed me by at least 90 pounds, he's lucky I didn't mace his ass when he lunged at me.
I decided then it was pretty unfair that the universe makes huge, stupid people.
I don't understand because there's magic but it's shown as being a bad thing because it makes the kid evil and the magical being is obviously the bad guys and the good guys win in the end
I guess the care bears also have magic because they use that stomach beam thing a few times but I dunno

I have never ever understood why fundies are so scared of magic and the occupt and shit to the extent where even if it's so much as mentioned as exsisting in a work or if it's there are it's a bad thing, they'll flip their shit. Humans can't do magic, we can't do Harry Potter shit and if we try to nothing will happen because that is purely fiction. Is their super devout belief in things they can't see fucking up their ability to seperate reality and fiction? There was a chick in my class in like 6th grade and we read a book about a girl who tried to make 1000 paper cranes so the Gods would grant her a wish and her mother literally pulled her out of school because of this. Like, you're not exposing your kid to other cultures because they believe different things? That's how you raise a fucking racist little bastard growing up thinking people who think differently are eeeevil.
 

Cake Farts

niceass
kiwifarms.net

Hiragana

kiwifarms.net
I'll channel my inner euphoric for a bit with a Hitchens quote:

"To whom do you award the right to decide which speech is harmful or who is the harmful speaker?....Isn’t it a famous old story that the man who has to read all the pornography, in order to decide what’s fit to be passed and what’s fit not to be, is the man most likely to be debauched?"

Although in this case they might simply be reasonable and well-adjusted individuals.

From their Geostorm Review
IMG_20171210_055102.png

"Character has a beer"
 

Senior Lexmechanic

Shitposting displeases the Omnissiah
kiwifarms.net
I don't understand because there's magic but it's shown as being a bad thing because it makes the kid evil and the magical being is obviously the bad guys and the good guys win in the end
I guess the care bears also have magic because they use that stomach beam thing a few times but I dunno

I have never ever understood why fundies are so scared of magic and the occupt and shit to the extent where even if it's so much as mentioned as exsisting in a work or if it's there are it's a bad thing, they'll flip their shit. Humans can't do magic, we can't do Harry Potter shit and if we try to nothing will happen because that is purely fiction. Is their super devout belief in things they can't see fucking up their ability to seperate reality and fiction? There was a chick in my class in like 6th grade and we read a book about a girl who tried to make 1000 paper cranes so the Gods would grant her a wish and her mother literally pulled her out of school because of this. Like, you're not exposing your kid to other cultures because they believe different things? That's how you raise a fucking racist little bastard growing up thinking people who think differently are eeeevil.
Many hardcore fundamentalists believe that magic is 100% real and comes from the devil, and all world governments and businesses that aren't run by other insane fundies (and not even then if they have a schism) either have Satanic influences in them, or are outright the puppets of the Adversary. David Copperfield once came to a city near where I lived when I was a kid, and when my parents took me to see him, there were a dozen fundies camped outside shrieking about how he was an actual fucking warlock with powers from Hell, and people were putting their mortal souls at risk of damnation by seeing him. Side note: David Copperfield sucks, a literal 8-year old can see through his shitty plants and tricks.
 

ChurchOfGodBear

He's just this guy, you know?
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
While I completely respect a parent’s need to filter what their child sees in media, it’s a temporary level of control. Sheltering children from seeing STAR WARS until they’re old enough to drive is only going to make them ill-prepared to deal with the world.

People, remember. You’re not raising a child, you’re raising a future adult who happens to be a child right now. What experiences do you want them to be ready for when they reach that point?
 

Senior Lexmechanic

Shitposting displeases the Omnissiah
kiwifarms.net
You’re not raising a child, you’re raising a future adult who happens to be a child right now. What experiences do you want them to be ready for when they reach that point?
You forget that a lot of fundies see the world as the domain of the Devil, and that sheltering their child from its evils is the right thing to do; both so they grow up to be good and moral (by their standards) and to save their immortal souls.
 

Piga Dgrifm

Where are those good old fashioned values?
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I wonder how Dove Reviews would look like if they began to review video games too. All the things they would get traumatized about would be quite the spectacle indeed.
Super Mario
SEX: Princess kisses Mario
LANGUAGE: The term "Mama Mia" is used
VIOLENCE: Turtles are stomped on, a princess is kidnapped
DRUGS: Players are encouraged to eat mushrooms to gain super powers
NUDITY: Bowser wears no pants
OTHER: Features dinosaurs
 
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