DSP's scholastic journey from valedictorian to boiling ramen in a keurig and eating it with a spoon - "Look at this. It's empty. There's no brain. Did you lose it somewhere?"

I expected Dante from Clerks to be further along in life by this point. What happened to his brain?

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Monday Michiru

The Washing of Dishes
Questions abound.


I've gotten in contact with someone with the Notre Dame of Fairfield. They cannot get me the records of who the valedictorians for 2000 until the school opens in a couple weeks. How much you want to bet Phil was not valedictorian like he has claimed?
The person doesn't work for the school, they plan reunions and print the alumni newsletter. I emailed them and got a rather quick response telling me that once the school is open they can get the class information and let me know who the valedictorians were.
My source at Dave's old high school says they will be going to the building next week and will get me the names of past valedictorians.
I just got the info.

It took me 2 months to get an answer. They did not want to tell me because I did not go to the school. I had to give them an excuse to get the information.

Sadly, Phillips Burnell is listed as the valedictorian of their class of 2000.
User @Sparkletor has gone above and beyond the call of duty in investigating the claim about DSP's past that has generated the most intrigue -- his status as valedictorian. So it would appear he was indeed valedictorian of Notre Dame High School in Fairfield, Connecticut. I was never quite willing to rule it out... but nice to have confirmation for this ancient, fantastic claim. Hear Phillip himself recall his school days:

I know many you have questions. And I know some of you have explanations ready. This is the place for them. How did the valedictorian of anything grow up to be DarksydePhil? Or, more cynically, How did DarksydePhil sneak the title of valedictorian from anywhere? Someone enlighten us!

"I was blessed with intelligence" -- DSP

http://www.notredame.org ND have more than a bit to say about themselves. Talk of rigor, devotion, faith, and intellect. All qualities essential to the character of our favorite goateed Let's Player. Right? *snort*

From the Mission Statement:
Helping young men and women grow in character, faith and intellect…. that’s Notre Dame’s mission, and it sets the stage for everything we do throughout a student’s four years here.

We encourage our students to develop a thirst for knowledge and truth, and we instill in them the determination to strive for excellence in every endeavor they undertake. Through a challenging and collaborative learning environment, we provide students with the academic foundation, confidence, and discipline needed to excel, both in college and in life.
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it must have been a special autistic school with 45 kids in the class

like wtf the nigga cant even say basic shit. Like calling people who charge back pay pals are guilty of "perjury" and not fraud. or instead of called the median that is in between roads he calls it the "meridean" like the prime meridean" just a bunch of shit like that that he is so off about. Or even not being able to complete easy ass puzzles in games


Elite Illuminati Task Force Agent for Cow Control
True & Honest Fan
Honestly, I think that Phil's state of mediocrity and misery fits in quite well with him being a school Valedictorian.

Most Valedictorians live mediocre and boring lives. A good article on the subject:


Everyone remembers their class valedictorian: perfect grades, perfect test scores and in some cases, perfect hair. They probably went on to professional fame and enormous wealth, right?

Not necessarily.

In his new book "Barking Up the Wrong Tree," Eric Barker explores the maxims we use to discuss success. He finds that, just as nice guys don't always finish last, valedictorians rarely become stand-out successes.

"[Valedictorians] do well," Barker told CNBC, "but they don't actually become billionaires or the people who change the world."

Sandy Huffaker/Corbis | Getty Images
His assessments are based on research by Karen Arnold, a professor at Boston College and the author of "Lives of Promise: What Becomes of High School Valedictorians." She tracked 81 high school valedictorians and salutatorians after graduation.

Barker writes:

There was little debate that high school success predicted college success. Nearly 90 percent are now in professional careers with 40 percent in the highest tier jobs. They are reliable, consistent and well-adjusted, and by all measures the majority have good lives.

But how many of these number-one high school performers go on to change the world, run the world or impress the world?

The answer seems to be clear: zero.

It seems that the traits that set one up for exceptional success in high school and college — "self-discipline, conscientiousness and the ability to comply with rules" — are not the same traits that lead individuals to start disruptive companies or make shocking breakthroughs.

"Valedictorians aren't likely to be the future's visionaries," says Arnold. "They typically settle into the system instead of shaking it up."

Many valedictorians themselves believe that they weren't the smartest student in their class but rather simply the hardest worker. Others confessed a strong preference for giving their teachers what they seemed to want, as opposed to truly absorbing the material.

In fact, Arnold's research demonstrates that students who truly enjoy learning the most often struggle in school, where students must balance attention given to subjects about which they're truly passionate with the demands of their other coursework. While intellectual students struggle with this tension, valedictorians excel.

But, after graduation, that drive only gets them so far.

Meanwhile, lots of mediocre students thrive outside a scholastic environment. A survey of over 700 American millionaires found that their average college GPA was 2.9. "College grades," Barker writes, "aren't any more predictive of subsequent life success than rolling dice."

"School has very clear rules," Barker says, "but life doesn't. Life is messy."
Phil pretty much spent his life in High School working hard and regurgitating information on command. You don't become get there by being inventive or creative. You get there by doing everything you are told on command like a trained monkey. Creativity, intellect, or inventiveness are not even a part of the equation. Compliance, discipline, and hard work are all you need.

It sums up his channel. He just pumps out videos on a timed basis to meet Youtube's standards with no polish, charm or creativity to meet his quota like a good little trained monkey. If anything, Phil being a Valedictorian explains a lot.

Commander Keen


It’s top 300 in “diversity”...but pretty low in other rankings besides sports. I’ll bet you one American dollar that this is one of the Roman Catholic institutions designed to produce athletes. You can find private catholic schools all over the US where all they really care about is sports. Phil getting first isn’t that unbelievable if my hypothesis is true.

What they do is scout the public schools for stud niggers to ball hard for them and give them scholarships. The white alumni pay through the nose in “donations” because of the sports glory. I should look up basketball champions in CT.

Edit: ranking correction

Kosher Dill

Potato Chips
True & Honest Fan
Could it be that his luck stat is so high that he can become valedictorian without even trying despite how stupid he is?
I think the moral we should be taking from this is that Phil isn't inherently a moron - he made himself into one. And the same could happen to any one of us.
:powerlevel: My grandmother spent the last decade or so of her life in retirement and didn't know what to do with herself, so she ended up essentially living the Phil lifestyle - watching TV all day in a huge empty house far away from most of her family (including myself). It really was a strong contributing factor to her mental decline in my opinion. Phil is just getting a few decades' head start on the process.
If you want to stay sharp, stay engaged with the world somehow. Work a respectable job, travel, pick up a hobby, something. Otherwise you may just misplace Italy on the map one day, and there'll be nothing you can do.


Just to put it out there I'm not one for debating unless it's something I really give a shit about, but I don't think it's that hard to keep your mind sharp even if you avoid having intellectual debates like most of the internet these days. I usually do by listening to political podcasts, and I go out and talk to people around where i live. Phil shouldn't be that bad off because he's not totally isolated, but it seems like whatever "girlfriend" he lives with doesn't really provide much intellectual stimulation and the stuff he watches... So wait, is Phil like how Huey ended up on the Boondocks when he tried to watch BET for 24 hours? I really don't think netflix would do that to someone but what do I know?
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Cyber Bowling

I can't speak for Phil's specific high school, but there are some pretty small schools in CT, especially when it comes to private schools. One of my friends graduated from a class of 20ish students. If Phil had a relatively small class size I don't think it's too out there to believe he was top of the class. Phil is super prideful and cares way too much about titles and achievements, so I could see him trying to game the system to get the highest GPA possible. Even with Phil's minimal critical thinking skills, you can get through high school pretty easily based on memorization and following the instructions teachers lay out in their projects. I wouldn't be surprised if Phil's parents also helped him with any type of project outside the classroom.

It's also possible, strange as it may seem, that younger Phil put effort into things. I can think of quite a few people who tried really hard in high school, but then when they got into college and suddenly had freedom and less outside pressure to succeed, became super lazy and complacent. Sometimes it is just living away from home, but other times it is also the lack of praise and recognition, especially if you're coming from a smaller school where it is way easier/common for teachers to acknowledge getting a good grade on something.

Prince Lotor

It's my fucking day off! What?
So I'm remembering how Phil was talking about having to learn all these things about Catholicism and how he learned it all and could regurgitate it but pretty much immediately forgot all of it as soon as he got to college and it has me wondering how much of Phil's high school curriculum was rote memorization of Catholic dogma? I'm not extremely well versed in it, but from what I remember of Catholic schools in the 90's they were less bastions of academic achievement and higher learning and more indoctrination factories that made damn sure you had the bare minimum required knowledge memorized so they could keep the state Education board out of their hair.

Also there is a tendency to think of 'Private Schools' as somehow more prestigious or more academically rigorous, but by definition all Catholic schools have to be private schools. That school is in the bottom 35% for 'Best College Prep' and 'Best Private' High Schools in America, and in the bottom 30% for 'Best Catholic High Schools in America'. Meanwhile it's in the top 3% for 'Most Diverse Private High Schools' and in the top 8% for 'Best High School Sports in America'. It doesn't seem like higher learning is a huge focus there. Ranked in just Fairfield county it comes in second to last in academics out of 15, and ranked in Connecticut it's the 3rd from last out of 22 in 'Best Catholic High Schools' and 6th from last out of 61 in 'Best College Prep Private High Schools' and 'Best Private High Schools'.
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