Wasn't getting much traffic before so I cleaned up the story a little; so here it is again, in all it's Sonichu-goodness...feel free to leave comments below.
Cwcville: The Crimson Thread of Fate
And here's a more local version for those of you that don't want to click on links.
Cwcville: The Crimson Thread of Fate
And here's a more local version for those of you that don't want to click on links.
CWCville:
The Crimson Thread of Fate
CWCville is anything but a paradise. It’s a hell that none of us know how to escape and we’re forced to live in constant fear of our every thought being used against us. It’s a good thing the asinine mayor finally allowed us to start drinking; it’s a lot easier to suffer through this shit when you’re hammered out of your fucking mind.
I usually wake up to the sound of giant robots fighting or the stuttering of our mayor’s voice pounding through our skulls whenever he decides it’s time to ‘enlighten’ us with another of his horrible speeches about how stressed he is or how important his Lovequest is. Today isn’t any different.
Normally the only way to block out his mind-reading monster is tons of heavy drinking. He watches our dreams, see, just to make sure we don’t we don’t go gay at any point. In order to get any proper rest every night is spent drowning my senses in Long Island Iced Teas, the only alcoholic beverage allowed in CWCville because it’s the mayor’s favorite since all the other ones taste ‘icky’. It sure as shit beats having to drink Orange fucking Fanta all the time.
After I finally crawl out of bed and take a shower it’s time to go to work. It’s a shit job with shit pay but when you’re forced to live in a city with no infrastructure it’s either this or go to a fucking soup motel...and those places are fucking disgusting. CWCville’s homeless outnumber the actual working citizens but considering there's only two types of places to get work it’s no surprise. Either you work at one of the multiple shopping centers for useless coins or you join up with the PVCC...and that’s a death sentence around here. The mayor and his menagerie of monsters are constantly at war with these people and the death toll, well...they really don’t care as long as they win. Rumor has it they’ll take out a whole goddamn building to kill one member. Of course the mayor spins it around as heroism, but what else do you expect living in this shit pit?
Traveling to work is one of the most dangerous things you can do in CWCville. Oh, the traffics fine. You just have to watch out for giant robot battles, speeding, naked freaks flying all over the place and the occasional, spontaneous stage suddenly appearing in the street so the mayor can put on a fucking rock show for no fucking reason. I mean this clown is just fucking singing loudly over already existing songs with his own lyrics...someone once tried to tell him that’s stealing but word has it the mayor has no idea what ‘copyright infringement’ is.
When I finally arrive at the mall, which for some incredibly ignorant reason also houses the mayor’s actual office, my boss is smiling like some sort of well trained drone, so happy to be in this endless nightmare. Honestly coming to this job with a hangover is no different sober; it’s the same thing day in, day out and nothing changes. Sometimes a fight breaks out, or the freaks come here to hang out and go on dates since there’s nothing else for them to do except procreate...don’t even ask about their offspring. No one actually knows where these ‘Sonichu’s’ came from, but the mayor’s strenuous grip on them wavers every day, it seems. At least they had some sort of an agenda in the beginning...now they were far more interested in pairing off for whatever it is they call sex; despite being bare ass naked all the time I’ve never seen genitals or tits, so these fuckers have got to be creative as hell or something.
“Manny Pickell Suitkowski, isn’t it just a beautiful day here in CWCville?” My bosses sleepy, almost dazed voice chirps out. “GodJesus sure has blessed us, hasn’t he?” I roll my eyes as I push past him, unfazed after hearing the same thing everyday when I walk in.
I don’t even get to work in the store, which for some fucking reason only sells items for dating. This mall is full of the worst places...dating supplies, shitty restaurants and plenty of hallways that end with nothing at all. It’s like some sort of retard designed this place and gave up halfway through. I mean the food court is the largest area and even then it’s full of off brand places like Burger Krunch and Saberro, total rip-offs of actual restaurants that I never get to eat at because I get paid in toy money with no value.
My uniform is actually a costume, the cheapest, laziest one my boss could find. For some reason everyone’s work ethic is set to ‘barely competent’ as if the bare minimum is more than enough to cover all the bases instead of giving it your all. When pulling weeds is considered as hard as serving in the military you know there’s something wrong with this world. The zipper tends to stick, too, and there’s been a few times I feel like I might get stuck inside this obnoxious pickle suit.
My indoctrinated boss just keeps mindlessly rambling about how awesome our city and its mayor is while I walk right past him; I’d almost feel sorry for him if he’d just shut up once and awhile. I take up my usual post outside the store, holding up the sign about our fresh, new and totally useless supplies. No one buys anything in this mall that isn’t food, shoes, lego’s or vidya games so most establishments feel more like a placeholder than an actual business.
Did I mention the inordinate amount of females that walk through this place? It’s the only perk of the job when I get to watch all these boyfriend-free girls...until I remember that this particular mall is responsible for the disappearances of over a dozen women who were never seen again. Of course no one calls the police since the mayor and his pets insist they’ve got everything under control despite it happening this many times. The only clue about what happened to them is a crudely cut out and colored heart attached to a red piece of string, like someone took a comment too literally and decided to actually implement such a moronic concept. Still, twelve women were taken in by it so it must have some sort of effect...or they’re as brainwashed as the rest of the idiots around here.
After the first hour of work it’s time for my two hour lunch break...not my choice, of course, but that’s how things work around here. It’s really no surprise if anyone was looking for our grand and mighty leader the last place to look would be in his office...everyone knows that Allison Ambers is the only one working for the sake of the people, even if she has no voice, power or authority. I head to the food court and much to my surprise two of the Sonichu monsters are just sitting there, the pink and yellow one...I don’t know their names, but I think they’re all named after these two. I ignore them as I pick one of the fifteen burger places and use my meaningless coins to purchase what I wish consisted of something fresh, homemade and original...and sadly watch the ‘cook’ throw my food in a microwave and then slap it on my tray. “Man, I need a break after that…” The clerk says in his worst Donald Duck impression, pulling out his Gameboy before crashing into the nearby chair, clearly exhausted after that long haul.
I’m barely two bites into this faux food when I notice something just feels off...I lift up the bun and find my burger lacking in pickles, the one thing I actually enjoy on these shitty sandwiches. “Hey,” I yell over at the clerk, totally immersed in his game “Where the fuck are my pickles?”
“No pickles, sir. Mayor's new orders.” He barely responded, still too busy staring at his screen. So I got up and decided to make my presence a little more...imposing.
“Excuse me? The mayor might run this town but he can’t tell me what I can fucking eat. Now give me some fucking pickles or I’ll take that Gameboy and break it over your fucking head. Then I’ll make you shove the pieces up your ass. You get me?”
I wasn’t sure what was coming over me. Usually I just shrugged this stuff off as just another ‘perk’ of living here but it seemed to have the result I wanted, if not the impact I would have liked. The clerk, stunned that someone stood up to him, ducked under the counter and grabbed a whole jar of pickles, sealed shut with two strips of tape and a handwritten warning that said ‘Keep yer damn dirty mitts off these pickles’, both of which I was happy to rip off. “Good, and next time you better put them on, regardless of what that fatass says.” The look on the clerk's face was almost worth more than the pickles at this point, but I was sure I’d made my point.
Upon closer inspection I noticed that didn’t have pickle chips but actually whole ones...apparently this pickle embargo was so deep only the full versions managed to get through at all before they were shut down and it wasn’t like any of these lazy slobs planned on cutting them up, even if they were fully stocked with CUtco knives in every restaurant. So I popped open the jar and helped myself to the sour, crispy treat right there in front of everyone; I almost laughed when I heard people literally gasp in surprise. You’d think I’d just shit my pants when that reaction. Some of them were even leaving, apparently so upset by my actions that the further away they were, the better.
I half expected to get reprimanded by the yellow freak but he and his ‘spouse’, if that’s the word you’d like, must have already left. That left me with a full jar of pickles and an hour and a half to waste wandering the mall, feeling a bit more light footed than I was used to. Maybe all this acting out was bringing some semblance of happiness back to me, and I wholly intended to milk it for all it was worth.
Eventually my jovial gait brought me to the second floor where the crowning nugget on this massive turd was the Pokemon Center, a two story shop full of overpriced garbage that catered mostly to our mayors habits than the City’s needs. I walked right past it, crunchy goodness still keeping my spirits up when I saw something that made me stop in place. There was a girl staring at the floor, looking as something...and then I felt my heart level sink when I saw the red string attached to it. Holy fucking shit. Did I just stumble onto the next soon to be victim? Every one of my senses were standing on edge, the jar held tight to my chest as I walked closer, creeping, sneaking as if to ensure I didn’t bring attention to myself. The girl was following the string down one of the more useless hallways, leading towards the shops no one bothered running...was she seriously this stupid? I watched her go around the corner as I quickly hugged the wall, a steely grip on my pickles as I inched down it, hearing a stuttering voice and a muffled scream.
I peeked around the corner, clearly forgetting that my costume had a foot on me, the green tip poking out before my line of sight finally came into view; I was pretty sure that if I wasn’t riding this pickle high I’d still know that person's face...and even if not the smell was a dead giveaway. It was the mayor. The fucking mayor. This chubby bitch was the one responsible for all the missing girls and here I was, witness to it all...and that’s when I felt the cold chill run down my spine and I knew that I just fucked up real bad.
“There’s no need to be afraid, ma dear. I’m just lookin for a sweet gal-pal to be friends with. See, Im building a girlfriend from the groundup and it takes a lotta girls for that” I hadn’t noticed it before be he was holding a tiny, pathetic knife to her neck. I mean this thing looked like a dollar store piece of shit and was probably duller than hell but it was still enough to have her scared. I knew that if I didn’t do something chances were she was going to die...and I couldn’t let that happen. I was just about to come out and stop him when he started talking again, this time speaking to the air, or so I thought. “Whats happenin Magi-Chan? What do you mean someones watching me? Where?” By now even I realized I was pretty much in plain sight; thank god the mayor was dumb enough not to notice anything going on around him. This time I didn’t hesitate stepping out, ready to do whatever I had to do to save this poor, if not ignorant, girl.
“Who in the heavy metal rock band are you? Some dang dirty troll tryin to steal my gal-pal away?” I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about but now he was pointing the knife at me, so that was a nice change of direction so far. “I’m your worst nightmare, Mayor, so let the girl go…” reaching into my jar and extruding the only item at my disposal; a pickle. “...and I won’t have to use this on you.”
The look of terror on his face was only matched by the sound of voiding his bowels into his pants. The girl wriggled free, either spurned by his lack of grip or the smell was enough to dare death...running past me as she belted out something about being gay and not interested in guys, I dunno. I was more worried that if the mayor’s freaks were already in contact with him how long did I have until they came running to him like they normally did? “Now look what you did! dont you know that im the MAYOR?” The shitty knife fell from his hand and broke the moment it hit the floor; the mayor taking up some sort of stupid ass stance, balling up his hands as his pointed them away from me. I’ve heard that the mayor has crazy fucking powers and I honestly wondered if this was a good time to fight or flee...and then he started chanting some stupid fucking word that sounded made up. I decided not to test it, reeling my arm back and throwing the pickle straight at his greasy, unwashed face.
I didn’t expect the reaction I got. Sure, a pickle to the mug would be irritating, at best, maybe annoying if you got the juice in your eyes...but he went into a full off fucking temper tantrum, flailing about like a chemical burn was eating through his flesh. This was my chance to run and I took it, listening to him scream about trolls or some other dumb shit...sliding around the corner heading back to the main walkway. I had to fucking get out of this mall and someplace safe and the only thing that came to mind was heading to the PVCC. No promise of safety, sure, but home was no option and I was already in the lions horribly smelling den.
I wasn’t even around the corner when a yellow blur clocked me hard enough to take me clean off my feet, knocking me square on my ass. I could already feel the hot blood gushing out my nose as I looked up to find that yellow son of a bitch staring down at me like I just murdered a fucking baby. “What did you do to my father?” His horrible voice oddly like the mayors for some messed up reason.
“I threw a pickle in his face. You can try to blame the pants-shitting on me, but rumor is he does that daily anyway.” THat comment earned me a blue shoe to the chest; “what a tasteless color scheme” I thought to myself as the sound of my ribs cracking echoed through the empty mall around us. “Why do you sound like you deepthroated a cactus?” I didn’t see the taser but goddamn it felt like I was getting a double dose as he pointed his hands at me and said ‘Thunder’ like he had to say an attack before he could do it.
By now I didn’t think things could get that much worse, but boy, whenever you’re stupid enough to think that fate loves throwing you a curveball, amirite? The mayor, or father, as the yellow rat called him, had finally managed to collect himself enough to show his face again...but whatever blue fucking freak came around that corner was not the guy who crapped himself five minutes ago. “Sonic the hedgehog? What the fuck happened to your tail?” My brain cursed at me for once again speaking what was on my mind, reminding me how much I disliked pain as the mayor dashed toward me and nailed me in the chin, yelling out ‘Sky Uppercut”! as I flew up into the ceiling and came crashing down onto the cold tile floor.
My pickle jar had amazingly survived most of this but the contents were down to just most of the juice and a few pickles. Could I defend myself with such paltry tools or had my hubris finally managed to overwhelm me? Pushing myself up with one arm I looked at my two assailants. If it wasn’t for the fact they looked comically out of place I might have managed to keep my mouth shut just long enough, but no, once again I decided to just blurt out the first thing that came to mind. “Hey, let’s not make a big deal out of this, guys. Look, we can work this out...how about I give you guys a pickle?” My hand generously pointing out my crotch, though the costume didn’t little to show it off. “I bet the both of you could share it.”
What followed next was nothing short of brutality; i’d love to throw in a gag about getting double-teamed, mach punched and mega kicked but by the time they stopped there was more of my blood outside of my body than in it. The mayor snapped my spine at the waist, both my arms were broken and I was pretty sure that I had a few concussions that made thinking not so good. I was propped against one of the glass bannisters near the Pokemon Center, the people going on about their day as if watching a man get beaten to death was the norm...and my battered brain reminding me that in CWCville it was.
I opened my mouth to talk and a few teeth fell out, a puddle of blood pooling on my already scorched, ripped and stained costume, proud that I could still crack a grin. Fleeing wasn’t an option now, so maybe I could appeal to his good graces. After all, everyone mentioned how he was about ‘Joseph’ and ‘Forgiveness’, so why not?
“Look, we all did some things we regret, right?” THe look on both of their faces clearly indicating that ‘regret’ did not register as a word. “How about we we just call it even and I apologize for throwing that pickle at you? What do you say, Mayor?”
“I can never forgive you you damn dirty troll. You done ruined my LOve Quest and set my heart level to zero. your gonna burn in hell for all the horrilbe things you did, you pedofile.” Did this chubby fucker just call me a pedophile? “Alright, nevermind then. You guys still want that pickl-” I should have learned that speed freaks are called that because they happen to be really, really fucking fast. The yellow ones stupid gloved hand was on my face before I even finished saying pickle, shocking me again until all the hair on my head was burned off...though the smell was still better than his fucking breath. “Shall I finish the troll off, father? Joseph will never forgive him.” “No, Sonichu, Ill do it. Its my duty as the mayor of CWCville.”
This time I didn’t have a pickle to throw...or rather, the arm to do it with. There was one left in my jar as it sat just a few precious millimeters away. I wished I could taste that dill flavored delight, my final meal, as it was...but the mayor just stood there for a second, fists balls up as if he was some sort of solemn monk, taking in a deep breath before bringing his hands together. I didn’t want to believe my bruised, swollen eyes as I watch light start to emanate from his palms, watching him draw them back again, just to throw them back at me while yelling out that hilariously stupid name.
“CURSE-YE-HA-ME-HA!”
I knew I was dead before it even hit me. The bright, spiraling blast slamming me clean through the glass, erupting into a glittering rain of shards as time slowed around me; the place where I had been sitting obliterated, metal and glass flying everywhere, the people finally noticing and screaming out in surprise as I plummeted through the store; the abrupt stop only accentuated by the massive pointy Pikachu ear jutting out of my lower abdomen. Despite all the pain I was already in this clearly made itself stand out, my eyes tearing up as I prayed that this would finally be over...and then I saw it; my jar of pickles, teetering on the edge, rocking ever so slightly...and then it slipped, gracing the heavens as it rained it’s briny goodness down onto me, the singular, succulent pickle left lost to the sky. I didn’t have to guess where it was going because my mouth was already open, catching it just in the cheek as I bit down and welcomed the salty flavor. I might be gored on a vidya game icon, beaten, broken and on death's door; but I got my last pickle.
Guy in a pickle suit dies.
Pretty girl lives.
Worth it.
The next time I opened my eyes I half expected to find the pearly gates or at least the fiery depths of hell. What I didn’t anticipate was waking up in a nice, clean hospital room...that, and the blonde haired bitch that looked awfully familiar; I think the tiny red horns on her head kind of served as a dead giveaway. “Hello Manny, nice to see you’re finally awake. In case you don’t recognize me I’m Mary Lee Walsh..and I have a job for you.”
To be continued...question mark?
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