Favorite vintage cow? -

Sperghetti

#waxmymeatballs
kiwifarms.net
Holy shit, I forgot about her! I ran across one of her websites back in the late 90’s or early 2000’s. I didn’t know she was infamous until later, but I remember a comic called “Pastel Defender Heliotrope” that was obnoxiously preachy.

I didn’t usually follow individual cows back in the day. I was always more into finding weird communities and one-off stories, like the guy on LiveJournal who let his internet friend crash on his couch for a few weeks, and she ended up being this smelly, morbidly obese whale who routinely shat herself and kept her pee in bottles.

The first cow I really got invested in was a short-lived one from FreeJinger around 2009-2010. Her name was Emily, and she ran a blog called “Under 1000 a Month”. She was desperate to be one of those domestic goddess fundie wives, while living on her husband’s income as a Wal-Mart janitor. After a huge meltdown, she disappeared into the ether and as far as I know, hasn’t been seen since.
 

Yaoi Huntress Earth

My avatar is problematic.
kiwifarms.net
Heather Dowdee/Hathor the Cow Goddess is another one that I remember fondly. One of those nutso militant breastfeeders and co-sleepers who did comics and liked to show her tits in them. She was starting to get a little nuttier near the end where she was at first pro-midwife (nothing wrong with that) and then started advocating for women to just deliver their babies out in the woods all alone like they did in the past.

I hear she now writes novels, but I'm curious what has become of her kids.
 

CivilianOfTheFandomWars

Tanith’s Worst and Only
kiwifarms.net
I'm too young for true 'vintage', but my first cow was Animated James. I was there the day he made his depression video crying about ED, saying everything in the article was true, and it was hilarious.
And too many fan fiction authors to name, from before FanFiction.net razed the site of porno. There were deviants and weirdos coming out of the walls, and then they were gone. Most of the best of the worst was lost, because sometimes the only people who read them was the author, me, and three other dudes. From there, it was Laprasking, who is DeviantArt embodied.
I also like the old internet stories. The Final Fantasy House has been brought up in this thread, and for good reason.
 

Nekromantik2

Putting the fun in funeral.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I didn’t usually follow individual cows back in the day. I was always more into finding weird communities and one-off stories, like the guy on LiveJournal who let his internet friend crash on his couch for a few weeks, and she ended up being this smelly, morbidly obese whale who routinely shat herself and kept her pee in bottles.
I remember that story, she ended up dying and the guy had to go identify her because she had no friends or family. She pretended that she was her own son online, she did have a son that died at birth because she was so fat.

The FF7 House. A troon who called himself Jenova gathered a few confused young people in his house and subjected them to his insanity, which involved Jenova, dressed in a doctor's white coat, threatened to inject one of them with an unknown liquid.
If I remember right Jenova isn't a troon it was the one that thought she was Hojo. Jenova is still around and was last seen in the Hannibal fandom.
 
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JambledUpWords

Orange chicken’s #1 fan
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I’d like to say Richard Speck. He was a serial rapist and murderer. He later went to prison and was said to have taken estrogen as a way to survive prison. He ended up pimping himself out.

This is what he ended up looking like in prison:
CD10ADFE-8A9C-49A8-9465-B6B86580FC99.jpeg

He had absolutely no remorse for his murders. It is also believed he had XYY syndrome.

Before he ended up killing those nursing students, he could not hold down a job and was an alcoholic.

Interestingly, he did get married and had one kid. It didn’t last long and he would abuse his wife and cheat on her.

He’s not alive anymore, but if he were, he’d be a horrorcow
 

Anus

Formerly PickleGuy
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
My personal definition of a vintage cow is pre-2007.

Aside from Gonterman and Final Fantasy House, I'm gonna have to go with Alix Henriol. My first exposure to the concept of a lolcow, and oh boy was she a trip.
 

Coelacanth

Your local shitposting living fossil.
kiwifarms.net
I was always a fan of the older cartoon crossover fan spergs - especially the likes of BennytheBeast and Tooner - the butthurt they got from BlackBusterCritic when he turned to point and laugh at them was amazing.
 

Syaoran Li

Branson's Most Wanted
kiwifarms.net
Since we're defining vintage as pre-2007 (presumably due to CWC's discovery and the rise of social media) I suppose I will list my favorite vintage lolcows of the Web 1.0/Web 1.5 era.

For clarity's sake, I consider Web 1.0 to be the internet in the 1990's and the very beginning of the 2000's (2000-2001) with Web 1.5 being the internet from 2001-2008, after 9/11 and the Dot Com bubble bursting but before the Great Recession and Web 2.0.

Basically, if Web 1.0 was the days of Usenet, Geocities, and AOL, then Web 1.5 were the days of Myspace, YTMND, LiveJournal, early YouTube, and the "wild west" era of 4chan.

The best vintage cows in my opinion were Jack Chick, Usagi Kou, David Gonterman, and The Final Fantasy House.

The weirdest part is that Gonterman is the only one who actually mellowed out and truly quit being a lolcow, or at least stopped providing material for the trolls.

Jack Chick is dead but he has a backlog of unpublished tracts similar to the backlog of Tupac songs, plus the guy who succeeded him at Chick Publications is likely to be a lolcow in his own right as well.

Jennifer Cornet may no longer be a Final Fantasy fan, but she's still running her fandom cults somewhere, with the Hannibal Cult and the Tattlecrime debacle being a relatively recent one and the most notable one after the infamous Final Fantasy House.

Usagi Kou was a classic Web 1.5 lolcow of the early 2000's and mid-2000's and then the trail went cold and more prominent lolcows like Chris, Pixyteri, ADF, and many others came along.

But it turns out Usagi was still very much as active and insane as she was back in the day.

Now she's resurfaced in a major way with her anorexia, self-harm, and her battered husband who is a decade younger than she is.

I'm curious about how many Web 1.5 lolcows are still around but have been forgotten, and I'd like to see more people dig up arcbives of old drama for the newer Kiwis and for those interested in lolcow history without having to deal with ED and its unique idiosyncrasies.

There's more remnants and relics of Web 1.5 than Web 1.0 and I think it was more fertile ground for online insanity simply because the Internet back in the 2000's was a lot easier to access than it was in the 90's but was also less consolidated, curated, corporate, and censored like it is in the 2010's.
 
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Smaug's Smokey Hole

Gammalt bröd rostar aldrig.
kiwifarms.net
I'm looking for other people to remember someone.

It was a young crazy chick very much into Sonic with a messed up grill and greasy hair, but she was skinny, autistic, had some curved and took "revealing photos" in quotations marks because THOTs have upped the game. She was open about the DTF thing which she laid out on her homepage where she posted the standard fare of crummy sonic drawings, OC's and fan-fic, things like that. It was peppered between picture or herself in bikinis and such. This would have been in 2004 maybe, so a long time ago, the closest thing to compare it to would be Faye Kayne but that bullshit stunk to high heaven. This was more Ullillilia with a libido.

This 'tism Sonic broad seemed to live on her upper-middle class income, spergin' on the net and looking for dick but not in exchange for anything, just dick.

It was the weirdest thing, I remember it just as I was going to fall asleep and I need to get it out of my head(and into yours) before I go to bed again.
 
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Dom Cruise

kiwifarms.net
Heather Dowdee/Hathor the Cow Goddess is another one that I remember fondly. One of those nutso militant breastfeeders and co-sleepers who did comics and liked to show her tits in them. She was starting to get a little nuttier near the end where she was at first pro-midwife (nothing wrong with that) and then started advocating for women to just deliver their babies out in the woods all alone like they did in the past.

I hear she now writes novels, but I'm curious what has become of her kids.
Oh man, I forgot all about that.
 
J

JM 590

Guest
kiwifarms.net
I'm looking for other people to remember someone.

It was a young crazy chick very much into Sonic with a messed up grill and greasy hair, but she was skinny, autistic, had some curved and took "revealing photos" in quotations marks because THOTs have upped the game. She was open about the DTF thing which she laid out on her homepage where she posted the standard fare of crummy sonic drawings, OC's and fan-fic, things like that. It was peppered between picture or herself in bikinis and such. This would have been in 2004 maybe, so a long time ago, the closest thing to compare it to would be Faye Kayne but that bullshit stunk to high heaven. This was more Ullillilia with a libido.

This 'tism Sonic broad seemed to live on her upper-middle class income, spergin' on the net and looking for dick but not in exchange for anything, just dick.

It was the weirdest thing, I remember it just as I was going to fall asleep and I need to get it out of my head(and into yours) before I go to bed again.
God, that sounds familiar. I've got nothing, though.
 
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Tryphaena

All of which makes me anxious
kiwifarms.net
I'm looking for other people to remember someone.

It was a young crazy chick very much into Sonic with a messed up grill and greasy hair, but she was skinny, autistic, had some curved and took "revealing photos" in quotations marks because THOTs have upped the game. She was open about the DTF thing which she laid out on her homepage where she posted the standard fare of crummy sonic drawings, OC's and fan-fic, things like that. It was peppered between picture or herself in bikinis and such. This would have been in 2004 maybe, so a long time ago, the closest thing to compare it to would be Faye Kayne but that bullshit stunk to high heaven. This was more Ullillilia with a libido.

This 'tism Sonic broad seemed to live on her upper-middle class income, spergin' on the net and looking for dick but not in exchange for anything, just dick.

It was the weirdest thing, I remember it just as I was going to fall asleep and I need to get it out of my head(and into yours) before I go to bed again.

Was it Alix Henriol?
 

queerape

All Kinds of Gorillaz
kiwifarms.net
If Francis E Dec was alive today, he would probably have a thread on here marked "Skitzocow". Van Gogh could be considered a Horrorcow as well, if not an Artcow. Ed Wood would have made a fine Careercow too.
 
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