Fun times with food poisoning -

[Grundlejungle]

I've decided to start a thread where us kiwis can talk about our food poisoning experiences. I was inspired to make this thread because my most recent order at wingstop made me throw up all over my dick. I will generally eat anything that is not poisonous. However, because of my "Fuck it, ill give it a try" approach to food, I have experienced food poison more than a few times.

Spoiler: The Apricot Exorcism

It was summer, I was 14. Everything began on a Saturday night.
My mother's weird friend from church (who is a total lolcow) had dropped off a bag of apricots, along with whatever MLM vitamin scam she was shilling that month. Sunday morning rolls around, and I get up at 5:00 Am in order to devote myself to the most important thing in my life at the time: Halo: Reach. I had awoken at that ungodly hour because I was being forced to attend some all day (9am to 9pm) jesus convention that was in town, and I didn't want to miss out on XP from the daily challenges. I snag a couple apricots out of the fridge and ate them as quickly as possible.
After about an hour, I had begun to feel dizzy.
By 7:30 it felt like an adult possum on methamphetamine had decided to peacefully protest inside my fucking stomach.
For some reason, my mother assumed that I was making it up in order to stay home. After much eventually she decided that she would come back during lunch in order to drag me off to christ-con. Five minutes after she left, it started.
I vomited twice in quick succession into the large mixing bowl I was holding. As I as bracing for number 3, I was hit with a case of the "Oh fucks", I had to shit like a hurricane. I dropped the bowl as carefully as I could and began to sprint as fast as goddamn possible in the direction of the bathroom, trying to hold back the torrents of liquid death that were fighting to escape both ends of me.
I was almost there, I could see the toilet. Victory looked certain, Operation: Don't shit your pants was going to be a success. Unfortunately for me (along with my pants and parts of the carpet), I had failed to register an environmental hazard: An errant sock that was laying in my path. As soon as I stepped on that slippery bastard, I knew it was over.
I felt myself fall in slow motion, and as soon as my back hit the ground, I exploded. Projectile vomit erupted out of my nose and mouth, splattering on the wall next to a family photo, transforming it into a horrible homage to Jackson pollock . Whilst I was doing a bang up impression of Regan from the exorcist, I was also exploding from my ass with such force that I had in fact, shit THOUGH my pants and onto the carpet. I picked myself up and staggered into the shower, leaving a human shaped outline made out of bodily fluids in the carpet.
I puked 19 more time ( I kept count) before passing out in the shower. I awoke several hours later (Still covered in vomit) to my mother screaming bloody murder, She barged into the bathroom and demanded answers:
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??"
"I told you, I was sick"

I have a few more if anyone is interested, including:
The time I ruined a $2000 Persian carpet.
"Can you eat it?", the game that defined my childhood.
The Elder Cheese That Sings Dark Hymns.

 

[verygayFrogs]

I accidentally ate expired yogurt as a kid and i didn't even notice.

However, a teacher of mine got food poisoning from the one wendys we had at the time. Like barely even conscious long enough to call in sick. The dude never left for anything unless (in his words) "it was a family emergency or an act of god." I guess he never accounted for wendy's being an act of god.

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

I once accidentally ate severely undercooked (crispy on the very outer surface but completely raw inside) chicken tenders but nothing came of it.

Not food poisoning, but another time we order a huge sheet pizza for a cookout we were having and come to find out everybody who ate the pizza ended up having green poop for a day or so after.

Fucking weird.

 

[Nut-Roaster the 2nd]

Spoiler: "Revenge of the Meatballs" or "Why Kuri will never eat store-made Potato Salad"

My gramps and I got a pound or two of potato salad and meatballs from The Anderson's, because at the time, they had been pretty good. We got them around Easter (or some springtime dinner), and I had a meatball sandwich and a bit of potato salad. Some hours later, in the wee hours of the morning, I get up, feeling like the entire legion of the Abyss was storming my insides.
The rest felt like a blur. All I could feel was pain, cramps, and like God hated my very essence. Moving any part of me felt like it would trigger a fountain of rot to come forth upon the unsuspecting world. I ended up on the couch for most of that day, just shaking, crying, and begging for the end. All I could keep down after that was a glass of 7up.
After my experience, most of my family ended up with food poisoning, despite not all of them eating the same thing, but I still believe it was the potato salad. They'll all say, though, that it was the meatballs.
TL;DR, Tainted Meatballs or Tainted Spuds are equally shitty.

There's also the time I had Cheerios with expired milk, and no one believed me until my mom tried to pour a glass, and it came out chunky and nasty. Fun times.

 

[Pvt. Shitpost]

I get food poisoning every two years or so and I am overdue.

 

[JosephStalin]

Many years ago went to a retirement luncheon for our boss on a Friday afternoon. This was held at the Officers' Club at a major U.S. Air Force base. Taco salad was the dish served. A lot of it was "off". May have been a hundred people at the luncheon, including generals. Boss was a great guy, very popular. About half of us, including at least one of the generals, developed food poisoning. Some ran from one end, some from the other, some from both. Spent a LOT of time on the toilet. Rough night. Wife and kids were out of area visiting relatives, so just me at home. The next day there was a related gathering at one of our group members' house. Topic of discussion...the food poisoning. All affected related their tales of gastric woe. Don't know if a complaint was lodged with the Officers' Club, but personally I eat no Mexican food other than the soft tacos my wife fixes.

 

[Gaius Caesar]

So far so good, to my knowledge I haven't had any notable cases of illness since I got the rotavirus since I was a kid. The only one that got me in recent memory was norovirus and that was actually not transmitted during the event in question (i.e. I shared a beer with Patient Zero).

I am also extremely fastidious about hygiene when cooking so I haven't risked self-poisoning either.

 

[Hylics]

A friend insisted on getting Taco Bell. I had no interest, but I was eventually talked into it. His kind eyes assured me it was safe. I ordered a crunchwrap supreme. I eat it, and I find it to be quite good. I felt a bit silly for being so against my friend's idea. We laugh it off as we head back to his place. We have a few beers, chat about life, then I head off. Back at home, I lay my head down and immediately upon doing so feel something deeply wrong in my stomach. I proceeded to vomit intermittently the entire night and most of the following day.

 

[MoffAlbert]

When I was in college, I went on a date with my girlfriend to a sushi place. We ended up getting a special roll to share. All in all, it tasted great, but the next day came and we both ended up shitting and vomiting most of the day away in between 15-30 minute bouts of sleep.

Surprisingly, this hasn't turned me off of sushi. we just don't go to that particular restaurant anymore. Haven't had food poisoning since, so I think i'm long overdue.

 

[Kari Kamiya]

Years ago I was spending the night at a friend's place and we went to a sushi restaurant. I had this dish with shrimp in it (wasn't sushi, legit can't think of the name of it), and it honestly tasted fine, but there was too much so I had to take it home. We walked to the restaurant, though, so shortly after getting to her house, I could feel it just going through me. It was embarrassing and I felt bad the experience was ruined, but I wonder if the shrimp was that badly cooked or if the exercise gave me the runs. I ended up throwing out the leftovers in the off-chance it was the food. Funny that it was shrimp that did me in (I still love shrimp), but sushi has of yet to make me sick.

A couple years ago, I stopped eating hamburgers for a time because I don't know what Dad was doing with them, he rarely puts them out on the outdoor grill anymore, he uses a tabletop grill instead. Either he wasn't keeping them in long enough, the patties just weren't that good quality to begin with, or he was adding something to it, I don't know, but every time we had burgers for dinner, I ended up stuck in the bathroom well into the night. At one point I was vomiting and was laying in a sweat on the couch for a good half-hour or so, and so I swore off burgers for a good while. It was strange that it was affecting only me, though.

@Grundlejungle what's this "elder cheese that sings dark hymns" about?

 

[Massa's Little Buckie]

I don't remember the last time I got food poisoning, so I'm probably long overdue.

 

[Hylics]

I don't remember the last time I got food poisoning, so I'm probably long overdue.

I hope it never happens to you again.

 

[Neferpitou!]

I got severe food poisoning from some shithole thai restaurant a few years back. Literally was the most painful experience of my life, and all because some cook decided to pick his ass while making my pad thai.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

I've thankfully had very few bouts of food poisoning. My mom and I both got it from Taco Bell when I was a baby, she ordered a chicken taco and was picking through feeding me little bites of chicken when she found a claw inside, like the chicken's foot got mixed in with that batch of meat. We both got very sick after. What's funny is that was actually my favorite Taco Bell for years until it got torn down and replaced with a Buffalo Wild Wings, and its the only Taco Bell I've ever gotten sick from.

The one incident I actually remember came from a creme filled donut of all things. My memory is fuzzy but I remember little me wanting to try a jelly donut, and was mildly disappointed that it turned out to be cream filled. That disappointment didn't last long as I'd not had a cream filled donut either. The disappointment came back when I quickly felt Very Not Good after finishing my treat. I spent several hours in bed feeling like the room was spinning before eventually tossing my cookies (well, donuts). Never went to that donut shop again. There's too many other good ones to risk giving them a chance again.

I kind of think I've got a cast iron stomach considering how I've consumed plenty of expired milk and once ate most of a piece of pie before noticing the mold on the crust. Little-me might not have had as good a constitution as current-me, or that was a seriously fucked up donut I ate.

 

[mindlessobserver]

Remember those Double Downs at KFC? I figured I had to at least give the meme sandwich a try. That night I was getting it out both ends. Vomiting so much I must have tripped a switch in my brain because my vomit response would not stop and it was becoming hard to breath. Literally ended up constantly dry heaving for an hour and started getting tingles in the extremities indicating low blood oxygen.

Went to the ER and they gave me an injection. Stopped the vomiting immediately. Felt like straight ass for two days. Never ate KFC again.

 

[soft kitty]

Remember those Double Downs at KFC? I figured I had to at least give the meme sandwich a try. That night I was getting it out both ends. Vomiting so much I must have tripped a switch in my brain because my vomit response would not stop and it was becoming hard to breath. Literally ended up constantly dry heaving for an hour and started getting tingles in the extremities indicating low blood oxygen.

Went to the ER and they gave me an injection. Stopped the vomiting immediately. Felt like straight ass for two days. Never ate KFC again.

Wow.

 

[soft breathing]

I never had food poisoning and after reading through this thread I hope none of you ever have to experience this again. I honestly didn't even know it's that bad - I always assumed it's 'just' fever and vomiting.

 

[Slimy Time]

Had food poisoning a decade ago that I still remember. Don't recall what it was that I ate, but I do recall that I was also suffering from a cold when I ate the off food. The result was me sat in agony on a chair right next to the toilet for about 2 days because every coughing fit was a risk of me either puking or diarrhea shitting myself. It just wouldn't fucking stop. Sat on this chair for hours drinking water for hydration. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I got off lucky. Other relatives got seafood poisoning and had to be rushed to hospital.

 

[Baby Sister]

Oh man. I had food poisoning once and I hope it never EVER happens again.
A few years ago, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant downtown for New Years Eve that had great craft beer specials ($2 pints!) and cocktails. We had been to this place a bunch of times but something was wrong this time. I ordered a black bean burger for dinner and felt okay for a couple of hours. It’s funny looking back on it now—but my boyfriend and I got into an arguement before I got sick because he finished getting all the characters and tracks in double dash by himself, when we had been working on it together. (Very austistic) partially through the arguement I started to feel lightheaded and needed to sit down, I felt really hot so I instinctively lied my head down on the bathroom floor. My boyfriend thought I was being overly dramatic... until I threw up.

From 11:00 pm to 7:00am I was sitting and shitting while puking in a bucket. To make things worse, we live in an area where everything closes at midnight or before so by the time I realized that the puking and shitting weren’t going to stop, I had no time to get pedalyte or crackers for my stomach.

I haven’t gotten food poisoning since, but I have been sick from lake water, which was a similar experience so now I always keep pedalyte in the fridge and crackers in the cabinet. Just in case

 

[Grundlejungle]

@Grundlejungle what's this "elder cheese that sings dark hymns" about?

It is the story of the single best (and most evil) cheese that I have ever had.

Spoiler: The Elder Cheese That Sings Dark Hymns

First, a little background:
There was a small, family owned market the next town over that we would call "The Food Orphanage". We named it such because they mainly dealt in strange, offbrand, and almost expired food. Cases of surplus frozen school cafeteria food, Christmas m&ms in July, weird promotional flavors of chips, middle eastern canned meat, and everything else in between.
There is normally no rhyme or reason to what they stock, with the exception of the "deli" section having certain seasonal specialty's, with october/november being "German Red Cheese" and it was only $5 for a 4 pound wheel. As bigfoots cousin the deli worker triple wrapped the wheel of cheese, he said just one thing:
"That, is some strong cheese".
This was the biggest understatement in all of cheese related history
We brought it home and when we opened it up, what can only be described as a religious experience began.

The cheese is visually unassuming, its crumbly orange rind and soft white middle hiding its eldritch nature. Upon taking off the first layer of cling wrap, the smell began to seep out. Its a sharp and deeply astringent, permeating with a mix of earth, rot, herbs, fungus, wine, cream, and above all: Death. It is so pungent that it had to be kept in the freezer in the back shed, otherwise it would permeate throughout the entire house.

At this point, I began to have a fair bit of hesitation, but when when playing a game of "Can you eat it?", there is no bitching out.
When you first put the Elder Cheese That Sings Dark Hymns in your mouth, your nose will begin to burn and your eyes are going to water
The closest thing that I can compare the flavor to is Hakarl (fermented shark), but replace the fish flavor with a creamy herbal wine.
Of the over 20 people that I have offered the gift of the cheese, every single one (with the sole exception being my mother) has gone back for a second bite.

There have been cheese overdoses however.
four years ago, I got the strongest wheel of The Cheese yet. I mean this shit not only reeked harder than in years prior, but it tasted stronger too.
Naturally, I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to introduce my friends to the wonders of Our Lord And Savior: Cheesus Christ. We have a few drinks, and I decide that it is time.
After the first round of cheese, everyone is eager for another, when my friend gets a great (and terrible) drunken idea:
"Lets make motherfucking quesadillas with this shit",
So I whip up two large quesadillas and cut them into quarters (There were five of us). One of my friends ( who was the only person who wasn't drunk) ate 4 slices.
My friend is of a darker complexion, but he quickly went from mocha to alabaster after slice 4, that's when the three straight hours of vomiting (interspersed with toilet unclogging) began.
He ended up having to sleep in our shower that night.