Funniest Sex Stories - when you had to stop because you were laughing too much

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Monika H.

Your friendly neighborhood gravedigger
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kiwifarms.net
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Jan 12, 2018
Hallo, hallo!
As promised, here's another hot thread, just in time for the 4th of July!
:semperfidelis:

As we all know, sex is beautiful. It's love, it's pleasure, it's fun.
So, let's share the funniest moments, be them outtakes or harmless but laughable incidents.

Feel free to share your stories, but watch the powerlevel and don't dox yourself, please.

and to all Americans in Trumpland, have a rockin' 4th of July!!!
You kicked the brits once, you can do it again!
 

Okkervils

404
Retired Staff
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Jan 10, 2015
...My cat had a kitten, I never knew she was pregnant. In bed there was a dead kitten we found... during. She had just popped it out and left a few hours earlier I guess. Horrifying, but in retrospect it was probably the most eventful thing that has has happened to me during sex.

rip
 

Nekromantik

I was phone!
kiwifarms.net
Joined
May 1, 2017
I once had to hide my now husband in my closet when my mom came home early. I acted like I had just gotten out of the shower. He quietly slipped out while she was making dinner. To this day she doesn't know about it, or maybe she does and just doesn't care anymore.
 

Monika H.

Your friendly neighborhood gravedigger
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Jan 12, 2018
When I finally got a good contract with an accounting firm as assistant auditor, I called my wife to let her know. She was obviously overjoyed and told me that once I came home we would have celebrated.
I came home and she came out of the shower completely naked, still wet and perfumed, and immediately started to put her hands on me.
Sexy, right? Well, I was wearing my best suit and was concerned it could get ruined, so I sperged out and told her to don't touch me.
I realize now how much of a cuck I have been, but still laugh thinking how she had got all huffy and pouty, indignantly crossing her arms while still being naked.
 

OhGoy

i'm out
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Joined
Nov 15, 2017
I realize now how much of a cuck I have been
nigga what

denying an extremely horny lady sex is the most chad thing a man could possibly do

edit:
My girlfriend left a bruise on my booby. It then proceeded to peck her and we had to release it back to the sea, where it truly belongs. I miss it everyday, but I'm getting stronger as more time passes. I'll be ok.
...you had me feeling extremely confused for a little bit, but it's all clear now
 

Prussian Blue

The nicest color
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Aug 25, 2017
When I finally got a good contract with an accounting firm as assistant auditor, I called my wife to let her know. She was obviously overjoyed and told me that once I came home we would have celebrated.
I came home and she came out of the shower completely naked, still wet and perfumed, and immediately started to put her hands on me.
Sexy, right? Well, I was wearing my best suit and was concerned it could get ruined, so I sperged out and told her to don't touch me.
I realize now how much of a cuck I have been, but still laugh thinking how she had got all huffy and pouty, indignantly crossing her arms while still being naked.
I'll argue that's not technically a sex story but more suited for your upcoming, too-hot-to-handle thread "Funniest Times You Blueballed Yourself"
 

Monika H.

Your friendly neighborhood gravedigger
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Jan 12, 2018
nigga what

denying an extremely horny lady sex is the most chad thing a man could possibly do

edit:

...you had me feeling extremely confused for a little bit, but it's all clear now

I'll argue that's not technically a sex story but more suited for your upcoming, too-hot-to-handle thread "Funniest Times You Blueballed Yourself"
But we did it later that evening, don't worry. If she wants to fuck, she fucks.
 

LofaSofa

The Only Thing They Fear, Is Deodorant.
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Jul 15, 2017
>Kiwi Farmer

>Having sex

maxresdefault.jpg
 

Maiden-TieJuan

Your roving Californialand reporter
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Oct 5, 2016
The first time my ex and I had sex after we had our first demonseed was.... Memorable. We had the whole 9 yards, a nice dinner, a movie, mom's was watching the baby for a couple hours, had the place to ourselves. We started getting into it and he was just about to ... Go downtown... When I felt serving warm absolutely begin gushing down my stomach. It was dark so I thought "he wants me so bad he came before he even touched me!".

Nope.

He got so excited he got a massive nosebleed that wouldn't stop. We ended up having to go to the ER to get his nose packed and a vein cauterized.

Great sexy times.
 

Dolphin Lundgren

Picking blueberries with Henry Fonda.
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Nov 15, 2017
When I was a teenager, the boyfriend I had then tried to have sex with me outdoors. He couldn't get it up and me being inexperienced didn't know what to do. We didn't have sex and we parted ways after. Fast forward to about a year later when I end up in the same class as him. He tried to impress some girls by bragging about how he fucked me. They ask me if it was true. I tell them "he couldn't get it up." They laugh at him. I laugh at him.
I had the last laugh.
 

hambeerlyingnreed

Ordering pizza at the Weight Loss Clinic
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Apr 2, 2018
I was fucking my then boyfriend on a futon in the basement of his parents house. When he came, it squirted really hard and landed on the wall behind us.

One of the teachers in my middle school had told me and some other students about the time she was changing her babies diaper and it shat while the diaper was off. It exploded and shit landed on the wall.

Being a young teenager, I somehow thought of this as the most hilarious thing ever. I can't think of any other funny sex stories, so this one is gonna have to be it.
 

GnomeofDoc

What? I like weird old guns.
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Dec 22, 2017
The first time my ex and I had sex after we had our first demonseed was.... Memorable. We had the whole 9 yards, a nice dinner, a movie, mom's was watching the baby for a couple hours, had the place to ourselves. We started getting into it and he was just about to ... Go downtown... When I felt serving warm absolutely begin gushing down my stomach. It was dark so I thought "he wants me so bad he came before he even touched me!".

Nope.

He got so excited he got a massive nosebleed that wouldn't stop. We ended up having to go to the ER to get his nose packed and a vein cauterized.

Great sexy times.

Sorta similar situation.

Had good Italian dinner about 25 min ago on the way back we get back gf made it very clear that she was ready for a bit of royal rumble struggle snuggle sesh. Being a shy individual she wasn’t too keen on having intercourse (I have to use the medical term as I am a fake small person doctor after all) and since we had been dating for about 5 months at the time I was chill with it.
Driving back she goes and says: “Anon I want to try and deep throat yo meat stick”

Being the degenerate couple that we are I go and say let’s go.

Get back to home start pregame warm up stuff. I clearly say “Go slow or you will lose your spinach lasagna”
She assures me that all the research she has done has prepared her for the long shlong.
I know this is going to end badly but fuck it deep throaty time.
Proceeds to attempt said act. Hits gag reflex attempt to push through said reflex. I hear the gaging I attempt to pull her back but, it’s too late now I got 25 min old still warm spinach lasagna all over my dick. To say the mood was ruined was a bit of an understatement. But we still laugh about it to this day since it was a true bonding moment both drunk sleeping in the shower to get the smell off. Good times.