Funny Bible/Quran/Religious book quotes -

[Burgers in the ass]

Self-explanatory
Here's the iconic one from the bible, John 11:35
"Jesus wept"
And also Exodus 4:24-26
“At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it. ‘Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me,’ she said. So the Lord let him alone.”

 

[KM 749]

Ezekiel 23:19-21 (NIV)
Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (NIV)
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

 

[Fiber-Rich Vegetable]

Aw man, is it okay if i cant quote correctly? Im reading about hinduism and just yesterday i came across this in my course literature, and it felt very modern-funny. Ill have to translate it myself so sorry about that. It's from the Upanishads and a reverse version of the Purusha myth.

"(...) the gods said to the Self: 'Make us a place to rest where we can eat.' The Self brought them a cow. The gods said: 'That's not enough for us.' He brought them a horse. The gods said: That's not enough for us.' He brought them Purusha (the person). They said: 'Oh, good.'"

 

[BF 388]

I always thought the badass Israelite Ehud's killing of the Moabit king Eglon is hilarious.

Eglon was an obese land whale and TLDR Ehud was able to infiltrate his palace and shanked him, except Eglon was so fat his sword disappeared into his gut, conveniently disposing of the evidence.

 

[odius]

"Keep my decrees. "'Do not mate different kinds of animals. "'Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. "'Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material."
Leviticus 19:19

Y tho god

 

[Tennis Monkey]

In the Gospels Jesus starts sentences with "Verily, I say unto you..." (in the King James Version) or "Truly, I tell you" or something similar (modern versions) all the time.

I don't know if it's just something all first century AD Jews said or some kind of verbal tic, but it does make him sound like Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother saying "True story" all the time. That's not a good comparison for a Messiah.

 

[Bogs]

In the Gospels Jesus starts sentences with "Verily, I say unto you..." (in the King James Version) or "Truly, I tell you" or something similar (modern versions) all the time.

I don't know if it's just something all first century AD Jews said or some kind of verbal tic, but it does make him sound like Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother saying "True story" all the time. That's not a good comparison for a Messiah.

He starts off his proverbs with verily, it's a mark of dictation. Repetition works well in speeches.

 

[SregginKcuf]

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’

(Jesus in Matthew 7:21-23)

New King James Version (NKJV)

This will concern many false preachers.

 

[Francis E. Dec Esc.]

Mark Twain's commentary on the Book of Mormon in 'Roughing It' is hilarious:

7. And it came to pass that they did gather together all the people, upon all the face of the land, who had not been slain, save it was Ether. And it came to pass that Ether did behold all the doings of the people; and he beheld that the people who were for Coriantumr, were gathered together to the army of Coriantumr; and the people who were for Shiz, were gathered together to the army of Shiz; wherefore they were for the space of four years gathering together the people, that they might get all who were upon the face of the land, and that they might receive all the strength which it was possible that they could receive. And it came to pass that when they were all gathered together, every one to the army which he would, with their wives and their children; both men, women, and children being armed with weapons of war, having shields, and breast-plates, and head-plates, and being clothed after the manner of war, they did march forth one against another, to battle; and they fought all that day, and conquered not. And it came to pass that when it was night they were weary, and retired to their camps; and after they had retired to their camps, they took up a howling and a lamentation for the loss of the slain of their people; and so great were their cries, their howlings and lamentations, that it did rend the air exceedingly. And it came to pass that on the morrow they did go again to battle, and great and terrible was that day; nevertheless they conquered not, and when the night came again, they did rend the air with their cries, and their howlings, and their mournings, for the loss of the slain of their people.

8. And it came to pass that Coriantumr wrote again an epistle unto Shiz, desiring that he would not come again to battle, but that he would take the kingdom, and spare the lives of the people. But behold, the Spirit of the Lord had ceased striving with them, and Satan had full power over the hearts of the people, for they were given up unto the hardness of their hearts, and the blindness of their minds that they might be destroyed; wherefore they went again to battle. And it came to pass that they fought all that day, and when the night came they slept upon their swords; and on the morrow they fought even until the night came; and when the night came they were drunken with anger, even as a man who is drunken with wine; and they slept again upon their swords; and on the morrow they fought again; and when the night came they had all fallen by the sword save it were fifty and two of the people of Coriantumr, and sixty and nine of the people of Shiz. And it came to pass that they slept upon their swords that night, and on the morrow they fought again, and they contended in their mights with their swords, and with their shields, all that day; and when the night came there were thirty and two of the people of Shiz, and twenty and seven of the people of Coriantumr.

9. And it came to pass that they ate and slept, and prepared for death on the morrow. And they were large and mighty men, as to the strength of men. And it came to pass that they fought for the space of three hours, and they fainted with the loss of blood. And it came to pass that when the men of Coriantumr had received sufficient strength, that they could walk, they were about to flee for their lives, but behold, Shiz arose, and also his men, and he swore in his wrath that he would slay Coriantumr, or he would perish by the sword: wherefore he did pursue them, and on the morrow he did overtake them; and they fought again with the sword. And it came to pass that when they had all fallen by the sword, save it were Coriantumr and Shiz, behold Shiz had fainted with loss of blood. And it came to pass that when Coriantumr had leaned upon his sword, that he rested a little, he smote off the head of Shiz. And it came to pass that after he had smote off the head of Shiz, that Shiz raised upon his hands and fell; and after that he had struggled for breath, he died. And it came to pass that Coriantumr fell to the earth, and became as if he had no life. And the Lord spake unto Ether, and said unto him, go forth. And he went forth, and beheld that the words of the Lord had all been fulfilled; and he finished his record; and the hundredth part I have not written.

It seems a pity he did not finish, for after all his dreary former chapters of commonplace, he stopped just as he was in danger of becoming interesting.

 

[Jack Haywood]

Genesis 19:30-33
After leaving Zoar Lot settled in the hill country with his two daughters, for he dared not stay at Zoar. He lived in a cave, he and his two daughters.
The elder said to the younger, 'Our father is an old man, and there is no one here to marry us in the normal way of the world.
Come on, let us ply our father with wine and sleep with him. In this way we can preserve the race by our father.' That night they made their father drunk, and the elder slept with her father though he was unaware of her coming to bed or of her leaving.

 

[Sped Xing]

"Keep my decrees. "'Do not mate different kinds of animals. "'Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. "'Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material."
Leviticus 19:19

Y tho god

God hates farmers?

https://youtu.be/krweT5dy8K0

 

[Meat Target]

In the Book of Tobit (found only in Catholic and Orthodox Bibles), the titular protagonist goes blind after sleeping next to a wall and birds shit in his eyes.

And from Ezekiel 4:12-15:

And the barley cake you eat you must bake on human excrement in the sight of all. The LORD said: Thus the Israelites shall eat their food, unclean, among the nations where I drive them

“Oh no, Lord GOD,” I protested. “Never have I defiled myself nor have I eaten carrion flesh or flesh torn by wild beasts, nor from my youth till now has any unclean meat entered my mouth.”

Very well, he replied, I will let you use cow manure in place of human dung. You can bake your bread on that.

And 2 Kings 2:23-25:

23* From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some little boys came out of the city and jeered at him: “Go away, baldy; go away, baldy!”
24 The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces

That's what you get when you make fun of baldies, you little pricks.

 

[Sped Xing]

B-b-but Ezekiel bread is from the bible! Its HAS to be good!