Funny Tommy Tooter quotes - because clearly there are way too many of them

[BE 911]

Tom has been posting on the internet for decades now and has a million funny quotes to choose from, so let's try to see which ones of his own writings are the funniest.

This is a personal favorite of mine.

 

[Army Burger]

i've actually been talking to authorities about internet crime since january 19, 1999 and haven't gotten a fucking thing done.

 

[BradyBunchFan]

 

[ObeseScreamingBlackMan]

Tommy attempting to play Baker Street on the saxophone is the funniest Tommy quote.

 

[The Crow]

His insults are some pretty funny quotes of his as well.

"Mean Millennial Mental Midgets" and "Fascist Furry Fucktards" are just two that come to mind.

EDIT: I also remember seeing this quoted as a random.txt, got curious to know who said it, and wouldn't you know........

casting spells at me are you? that's risky business doing that to somebody like me. i have spirit guardians. the real kind. not ones that got conjured up in a video game.

 

[BradyBunchFan]

I think this is a quote by him:

”i've actually been talking to authorities about internet crime since january 19, 1999 and haven't gotten a fucking thing done.”

 

[Xanax]

"question of the day: where to buy used sex toys."

- @Mister Thomas Jay Wasserberg

 

[MeganDodgedABullet]

"child woman invited me into her bed..."

 

[BradyBunchFan]

Tommy attempting to play Baker Street on the saxophone is the funniest Tommy quote.

I totally have to agree with you on that one.

 

[BILLY MAYS]

you were a total failure as my mother, refusing to listen to any of my issues. i have very bad hormonal problems because of my intersexed condition and have always had poor bladder and sphincter control because of it, but you mashed my soiled underwear in my face to "toilet train" me instead of listening to me.

https://archive.fo/yxFoP

 

[Xanax]

https://archive.fo/yxFoP

You'd think someone who suffered such abuse would have an aversion to human waste, rather than eating it as a voluntary lifestyle choice.

 

[BILLY MAYS]

 

[EmpireOfTheClouds]

 

[The Crow]

From the video above where Tommy once again gets pranked by a Bob Chandler soundboard:

Tommy: Go ahead uh...chickenshit anonymous caller, what have you got to say?
"Bob Chandler": Hello?
Tommy: Hello.
"Bob Chandler": Who is this?
Tommy: You called me, you tell me. I'm on the air, you know who I am, who are you, and why are you calling?
"Bob Chandler": I didn't call you!
Tommy: You didn't call me?
"Bob Chandler": I didn't call you!
Tommy: Yeah, the fuck you didn't, goodbye. hangs up See, that's called gaslighting.

 

[Army Burger]

"My family's been in electrical and electronic engineering for over a hundred years. And I grew up with shit in my pants"

YouTube

www.youtube.com

 

[4Macie]

Whenever he calls us pedophiles and mental midgets because we say he’s a pedo. And plus 2 when he adds “I’m not attracted to nobody! They’ve got to prove they love me and are trustable before I’m attracted” added bonus when a couple hours later he’s running to the store for lube, condoms, and cucumbers

 

[Fatrick Hamlinson]

"question of the day: where to buy used sex toys."

- @Mister Thomas Jay Wasserberg

Reminds me of the Ernest Hemingway piece of flash fiction ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn"), only instead of sad it's horrifyingly disgusting.

My favorite quote of his is when he referred to dog genitals as "pussy."

 

[EmpireOfTheClouds]

Any time he talks about Sabrina and says it wasn't child molestation.

 

[Sneedlord]

Every variation of "don't call me sir" usually gets a pretty good laugh out of me.

 

[TPDPolice]

"Keyboard Commandos!"