Trainwreck Gloria Tesch -

bradsternum

Won't Call Anyone
kiwifarms.net
Rewrite courtesy of @Feline Darkmage

View attachment 99932

Maradonia Trailer

Movie Clip

Important Links:
http://www.gloriatesch.com
https://www.facebook.com/GloriaTeschOfficial
https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/305d1j/the_strange_story_of_gloria_tesch_the_worlds/
https://twitter.com/gloriatesch
https://www.instagram.com/gloriatesch/?hl=en
https://www.facebook.com/Maradoniathemovie
http://www.maradonia.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIJRwARViG26_mAqUBKjPiA
https://www.youtube.com/user/GloriaTeschVideo
https://www.youtube.com/user/MaradoniaTheMovie
http://conjugalfelicity.com/maradonia/ (a series of reviews on her awful books)
encyclopediadramatica.se/Gloria_Tesch
https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/gloria-tesch

Gloria Tesch has self-published six total books in a series she calls "The Maradonia Saga". She is known as one of the worst child prodigy writers in history, and still somehow got a movie deal, though it has been stalled in production for some time, similar to other lolcow art productions. (ex: Rev 60's PC port, any work from @Connor Bible, Gen Zed) The delusions of this cow are stoked and enabled by coddling from her rich (and lolcow scam artists in their own right) parents that use her as a steady cash stream. Maradonia was a project started at age 10, released by a Vanity Press, which doesn't slow down her claims of being "the youngest novelist ever". The rest of her behaviour can also be described as 'childish'.

She is known to use sock puppets to rate her own books 5-stars on sites such as Amazon (mentioned later on the very first page)

She doesn't understand copyright:

Gloria SUCKS at naming places
Coast-Land
High Plateau and High Plateau of Death
Mountain Peak-Palace
Swamp Oraculus
Gorgonia
Glacier
Pool
Estate
Canyon-River
link: https://kiwifarms.net/threads/gloria-tesch.381/page-15#post-31682

She's also made contact with other lolcows and people of interest, most notably Kengle (who became a fan: https://lolcow.wiki/wiki/Kenneth_Erwin_Engelhardt) and William "Watermelon" Waterman.

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Judge Holden

Corpsefucker
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
bradsternum said:
Come on, where's the love for this child prodigy?

Wouldn't it be fantastic to have a father who was so rich that he could buy you a film crew to further envelope you in your delusional world?
https://www.facebook.com/Maradoniathemovie
..... the movies still happening?

But I concur, we deffinitely need to discuss this abomination as the delusional cow of lols that she is
 

Lucrid

kiwifarms.net
Wow, I didn't know they actually were working on a movie. I know that Gloria Tesch has recently gotten into modeling as well.
 

Judge Holden

Corpsefucker
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
By the way, who else here has had the "privilage" of reading any of the books? If you havent I honestly suggest you find somewhere online to torrent them, because these books are literally, and in every sense of the word, Worse than My Immortal, 50 shades of Grey, Twilight, and every single sonichu issue.

It is genuinely fascinating to read them, because the author manages to fuck EVERYTHING up beyond repair. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, page structure, formatting, characters, story, themes, setting, tone, dialogue.... literally fucking everything.

Heres a choice example from ED

It was a difficult situation but the men in the camp stood closely together as one strong force and were ready to fight for their freedom and for their commanders Joey, Maya and Captain Goran.
'It is wonderful to see when the people in this camp believe in their leaders and commanders but it is more wonderful when the leaders believe in their people,' said Joey and continued, 'maybe the time will come or has already come that we as leaders of this camp will pay a price to carry out our calling!'

'Bravo, Bravo, Bravissimo…' interrupted Gertrude, 'most people think that we are the bad ones but basically we bring peace to the world. My two friends and I have agreed to make you an offer which you cannot reject.'

“And what is this diabolical offer?' asked Maya standing between Joey and General Goran.

'This is not a diabolic offer. It is an honest offer because we are ready, willing, able and we have also agreed that we will let your men go free. They are all free to go home and they can take all their belongings and possessions with them and go back to their families.'

'You will let them go home?' Goran asked.

'Yes, they can go home… all of them. They do not have to fight our army of over ten thousand men which has your camp surrounded.' The army of ten thousand also cheered when they heard that they had not to fight.

'Under one condition, of course, will we let them go free… The condition is that Maya and Joey give their lives freely as human sacrifices in honor of our lord Abbadon the son of the great Apollyon.'
 
O

OR 345

Guest
kiwifarms.net
DykesDykesChina said:
This movie's featuring High School Goth chicks?
Members of "the Gothic Movement," no doubt.

As for reading it? Well, my friend got the first (and maybe second?) book off Amazon super cheap, so when she eventually finishes writing her notes in it, I'm going to read it. Otherwise, I got most of the way through the sporking before forgetting about it.
 

Saney

Slayer of the Love-Shys
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
I read it, here's my favourite line.
Maya said:
I am only a teenager. I don’t have a boyfriend and when I went once to the movie theater and was holding hands with a very nice boy from the neighborhood and Joey told my parents about it, you should have seen my father. He got so angry that he forbid me to set my foot into any movie theater alone and made his final decision that our family will not install the ‘internet’ in our house, if you understand what I mean. We have only local television in our home and I am dreaming about my own cell phone. Everybody in my class has one, except me. I feel that I am cut off from the real world. I am alone! I have nobody! I am sitting here in this dirty swamp and listen to a grasshopper.
Clearly, Gloria Tesch is the best writer ever.
 

Judge Holden

Corpsefucker
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Saney said:
I read it, here's my favourite line.
Maya said:
I am only a teenager. I don’t have a boyfriend and when I went once to the movie theater and was holding MANOS with a very nice boy from the neighborhood and Joey told my parents about it, you should have seen my father. He got so angry that he forbid me to set my foot into any movie theater alone and made his final decision that our family will not install the ‘internet’ in our house, if you understand what I mean. We have only local television in our home and I am dreaming about my own cell phone. Everybody in my class has one, except me. I feel that I am cut off from the real world. I am alone! I have nobody! I am sitting here in this dirty swamp and listen to a grasshopper.
Clearly, Gloria Tesch is the best writer ever.
Personally I just want her to try her hand at something like Lovecraft or Apocalyptic fiction (just imagine "The Road" or "Call of Cthulhu" as rewritten by her). If she ever tries a twilight ripoff though it may actually break reality in terms of unspeakable shiteness
 

Henry Bemis

Irony: Not even once.
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
trombonista said:
God said:
I thought the movie went into development hell until I recently saw an update.

Also this movie's featuring the Observers from MST3K?
That's a painted background. Are they too cheap to film outside?
Well, they are shooting this with just digital cameras.
 
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Reactions: Donatien Argez

Saney

Slayer of the Love-Shys
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
Dark Mirror Hole said:
So did her sock puppet.
The new E-Book version of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges hit my brain and burned a big hole into my soul. I am pretty sure that several people might not agree with me, but I really believe the edited version with its brand new prologue of this book is World Literature. The stories of this teenager author and novelist Gloria Tesch are just overwhelming because of the simplicity and they show from their psychological proportions in the life of the siblings, Maya and Joey, and in their fight between good versus evil a far deeper substance – basically a story behind the story - and this is one of the reasons why I believe that the Maradonia Saga will certainly have a longer life line in the future than the Twilight or the Harry Potter series. But as a doctor with solid psychological background I see also other reasons: The Maradonia Saga is not just entertainment! Maradonia is a life style because it meets our longings to experience the truth of life, love and death. However, this Maradonia Life-Style is in my opinion able to help the reader better to understand life itself and his role in his own family, the nation and in the universe.
I read all six books of the Maradonia Saga and forgive me, but I believe this series can play sooner or later an important role for fans, middle readers and young adults. Again, this series is a must-read for parents, teachers, and librarians that will serve as a bridge to growth in knowledge, faith and in the understanding that there is also tremendous power in positive thinking.
 

GGGBYBYBY

kiwifarms.net
IMHO writers should never have permission to make a movie from their books. Seth Grahame Smith did it with Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter and the result wasn't as good as the book. They know nothing generally about the filming industry and make stupid fuck ups. If Smith managed to make his film a bit rubbish then Gloria fucking Tesch ain't got a chance in hell of making this shit fest a decent film adaptation.
By casting herself as the lead character we've got damming evidence that her character Maya is basically a self insert. I hate it when authors do that because it's really childish. Grow up! Writing isn't about wish fulfilment! It's not about ridiculous power fantasies. Sorry to sperg out but the writer in me is pissed.

I wonder if the next installments in her shitty saga are about a big orgy between all the goths and shit. That'd bump up the series a bit.
Still though, I don't get why the series has to revolve around two derpy teenagers who get MAGICALLY SUCKED INTO ANOTHER WORLD and as soon as they are everybody is licking their ass out about some prophecy. They don't even do anything to recieve this attention.

What parents are delluded enough to fork out for a movie made by some idiot teen?

I've just discovered this idiot and cjehbwsdchfrbed god she pisses me off.
 

captkrisma

kiwifarms.net
Judge Holden said:
^ To be honest, things like the room and birdemic have proven that even the most inept movies can get memetic popularity boosts. Which normally I heartilly applaud, but with this talentless, self worshipping cuntmuffin I resent the possibility that this film might make her the new "Tommy Wiseau".
The problem that I have with that comment is that "The Room" had it's own certain following of people that say it was good. Same with Birdemic, or my personal favorite Megashark vs. Giant Octopus. The Maradoina Saga has nothing but detractors, with the only positive reviews coming from socks or sarcastic Amazon reviews. She is not a good writer...hell, the kid that made Eragon at least studied the creative process before he sat down and wrote!
 

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