Trainwreck Gloria Tesch -

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Ginger Piglet

Fictional Manhunt Survivor
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I call bullshit. No water park ever could possibly be evil. Cthulhu Himself could open up a water park, and it would be awesome.
But he does. And in the books his club of evil all have communal singing of Mother Earth songs.
 

Maradontia

kiwifarms.net
When she was younger, she was fairly attractive. However, the older she gets, the cuter she ain't.


Nope. Her mom looks like an older version of Gloria.


Honestly, the movie is simply unwatchable. I had some friends over for a Bad Movie Night and, after no more than 10 minutes, even the biggest bad movie fan had had more than his fill. The movie can't even reach the level of laughably bad and is instead completely unentertaining and chock-full of the most generic fantasy tropes along with a heapin' helpin' of fundie religious dogma on top. Everything -- the flat acting, the trite musical score, the cheesy special effects, the store-bought costumes, and the "no one's looking so let's film here" settings -- is purely amateurish and contains zero entertainment value.
That's not even what makes it bad. The worst part is probably the editing. The scenes are cut together in a nonlinear way that makes the movie a confusing clusterfuck and destroys any attempt to follow the story if you haven't read the book. At the beginning, there's a narration, then we see Maya and Joey in Maradonia, then a professor talking to children, then some background expostion, then Maya and Joey at school on Earth, then they go to the beach, then they go to Maradonia. But they were already in Maradonia before! There's no explanation for what's happening on screen.

Related to this is the pacing. Uninteresting scenes just drag on and on. There's literally a 10 minute scene of people pretending to writhe in hell at the end.

A close second to the editing is the writing. The movie isn't even a screen version of the book. A lot of scenes were changed or cut out, likely due to budget reasons, to the point where nothing makes any sense. The professor part at the beginning is in the revised version of the book and was added in by Gerry, but it makes everything confusing. Are we listening to this guy tell a fictional story? Is he from the future telling a real story? I don't know. All the classroom scenes with Gloria at the highschool were cut. There's only a quick encounter with the bully in the hallway, then we cut to the next scene with no explanation for why we had to see that. The hoodmen who were hunting Maya and Joey at the beach just vanish when they get to Maradonia. The other soldiers chasing them at the beginning also vanish. The entire concept from the book about Maya and Joey having to complete 7 challenges or "bridges" to become the chosen ones and beat the villain is completely cut out, so they're just sort of wandering around Maradonia encountering stuff at random. The big battle between the teen army and the evil empire was cut, leaving only a small fight between some guy we never met and 3 random mooks. Then we just teleport to Maya and Joey on a wagon. There's no explanation for why the fairies can't kill them. It's also extremely unclear what's happening with general Justin. A guy is banging a drum, then a ghost appears, then Justin eats poison. What purpose does any of this serve to the story?

Related to that, a big problem is the casting. It becomes very evident that they couldn't afford to pay extras, so crowd scenes are extremely sparse and are mostly made up of people Gerry knows. This creates bizarre situations like the class the professor visits having 10 students aged 8 to 17 in it, the highschool having only about 20 students total, Maya and Joey going to the hotel party that only has about 10 elementary school aged boys at it, and the rebel army having about 5 teenagers in it. This completely destroys any sense of immersion for the audience.

Then there's the sound. The dialogue is so poorly recorded it's sometimes hard to hear what's being said, especially since generic music plays constantly and is too loud. I don't think there's a single 5 second period in this movie that doesn't have music playing. The only time the dialogue isn't hard to hear is when it's being SCREAMED into the microphone by overdramatic actors, and can hurt your ears.

Overall, I've honestly seen community theater plays more entertaining and realistic than this. You or I could make a play out of the book better than this movie.
 
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MysticMisty

kiwifarms.net
I wish I could've been a fly on the wall when they finally unveiled this mess to their church. I know that fundie standards are low, but they don't usually attempt to make projects nearly this ambitious, either. Either way I'd like to have been there when they realized how much the Tesch's were lying when they said this would become the next national blockbuster.
 
M

MW 002

Guest
kiwifarms.net
I think they read this board. A lot of the info on Gerry is only posted here as far as I know.
I kind of do wonder if they skimmed through this thread.

Speaking of them, they just reviewed Gold of Ophir:
 

Muscle Bra

I passed high scholl bitch!
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
That was a painful painful video to watch.

First off, it was painful because the Maradonia premiere had such poor attendance. I would have thought Gerry would at least have invited all of the actors and crew to the premiere and would have then used the members of his church to round out attendance/fill in the seats.

Then, it got even more painful when that poor girl drove two hours only to learn that all of her scenes had been edited out. (I was going to write "left on the cutting room floor" but LOL at the idea that the Tesches actually used a professional editor/cutting room.)

And, finally, the sheer amateurishness of that video rounded out the unholy trifecta of pain. Did we really need scene after scene of that girl running around like a ninny in front of the camera?
 

Henry Bemis

Irony: Not even once.
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
that poor girl drove two hours only to learn that all of her scenes had been edited out. (I was going to write "left on the cutting room floor" but LOL at the idea that the Tesches actually used a professional editor/cutting room.)
O, the thought of Maradonia deleted scenes, the parts that made the Good Doctor Tesch say "That's unnecessary."
 

MysticMisty

kiwifarms.net
I thought it was pretty funny that for something that is supposedly for kids and pre-teens, they didn't bother to actually invite any kids to the premiere. It doesn't look like they invited anyone from the church, either, except for maybe one woman. Alcohol is a major no-no for the hyper conservatives the Tesches tried to court with Maradonia, not even wine (to the point where they pretend everybody drank juice in the Bible).
 

Maradontia

kiwifarms.net
That was a painful painful video to watch.

First off, it was painful because the Maradonia premiere had such poor attendance. I would have thought Gerry would at least have invited all of the actors and crew to the premiere and would have then used the members of his church to round out attendance/fill in the seats.

Then, it got even more painful when that poor girl drove two hours only to learn that all of her scenes had been edited out. (I was going to write "left on the cutting room floor" but LOL at the idea that the Tesches actually used a professional editor/cutting room.)

And, finally, the sheer amateurishness of that video rounded out the unholy trifecta of pain. Did we really need scene after scene of that girl running around like a ninny in front of the camera?
It's hard to believe anything was cut out of a movie that features 10 minutes of people writhing.
 

Wilhelm Bittrich

Captain Fatfuck - Leader of men
kiwifarms.net
This girl actually went to the Maradonia premiere. It's so sparse. Also, there were 2 cuts that they showed back to back.

Thank you unknown female, you suffered so we don't have to.