Skitzocow Gluten-Free Girl and The Chef -

[snakesvsplanes]

Meet the Gluten-Free Girl and her husband, The Chef.

CURRENT SITES:
http://www.glutenfreegirl.com
https://www.youtube.com/user/TheChefShowsYou/videos
https://instagram.com/glutenfreechef/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/shaunaforce/

OLD HAUNTS:
http://writingmyheartout.blogspot.co.uk/
http://seymourjoyful.blogspot.co.uk/

Shauna James Ahern and her deranged husband Danny Ahern are an absolute train-wreck of a couple. Now, we all know damn well that Tumblr folks are assholes who run around self-diagnosing, toying with Munchausen by Internet, demanding that their idiotic triggers be adhered to strictly, tossing around suicide comments...

But Tumblrfags are usually just stupid teenagers, right?

This woman is pushing fifty years old, has TWO children (one adopted just months ago), at least two cookbooks under her belt as well as a former writing job at Epicurious, a large and loyal fanbase-- and yet, she has the exact same fucking mentality of a fifteen-year-old girl with a Tumblr account. She is a pathological liar to an absurd degree, contradicting herself within days of having made the original lie. She and her husband have, er, issues with hygiene, and some pretty obvious fetishes and fixations which they feel the need to overshare about to a disgusting degree. And, just like the Tumblr brats, she has her own version of claiming that people need to RESPECT HER KINTYPE, and RAHHHH fuck TRUSCUM, they ruin EVERYTHING.

Except, in her case? Her kintype is gluten-free livin', and the truscum are wheat products.
And, just for a minute, let's talk about her EXTREME deterioration since she got "officially" diagnosed with "celiac", shall we? (There is no way she's telling the truth about this-- she has maybe a MILD intolerance to gluten, I'll buy that, but she claims that her intestines were totally fucked up and-- anyway.)

2006 (or so):

THESE DAYS:

Yeah, . Your gluten-free diet must be doing absolute fucking wonders. Way to go, champ.

Oh, and let's not forget-- THESE are the beautiful, artistic, delicious results of her anti-wheat crusade!

*************

THE DIAGNOSIS:

Then, a friend of mine called me from Maine, to say she had just heard a story on celiac disease, the most under-diagnosed disease in the States. It sounded like me. I googled it, and found myself in the symptoms. Two years before, in an effort to find my energy, I had given up wheat for six weeks. I felt fantastic, but I slipped back into it. Remembering, my body jolted. What else could it be?
And why had I never heard of this before?
My gastroenterologist refused to test me for it, even though it only required a blood test before I could stop eating gluten. He refused. Actually, he had his nurse call me. “Celiac is really rare,” she said on the message. “That’s a long shot. We’ll talk about it during your follow-up in two weeks.”
Heck with that. I knew my body, exhausted as it was. At this point, I was down to eating a jar of baby food a day. I wanted to start living again.
I went to a naturopath, who did the blood test. I stopped eating gluten.
I have never gone back since.
At the end of the first day without gluten, I felt some energy. My stomach didn’t hurt when I ate. On the second day, I didn’t need a five-hour nap. On the third day, my brain fog cleared, as though my contacts had been cleaned for the first time.
When I received the official diagnosis — you have celiac — I clapped my hands and said yes! The naturopath was a little surprised to see my celebration.
The gastroenterologist was even more surprised, the next week, when I showed up for my follow-up appointment in great health, blood test results in hand. He confirmed it — I have celiac. And he left the room, embarrassed.

*************

A NICE FAMILY THANKSGIVING:

http://glutenfreegirl.com/2005/11/a-gluten-free-thanksgiving-well/

Well, my brother made his stuffing, then washed out the skillet for me to make mine. Did he wash out the pan enough? Perhaps. When he put the tinfoil on my glass pan of gluten-free stuffing, did he still have flour on his hands? Maybe. He made his own gravy, then cleared a spot on the stove for me to make mine, with gluten-free flour and Kitchen Basics chicken stock. (By the way, thanks to Suzanne from Indiana for that suggestion. It’s fantastic.) But was there still flour flying in the air from his vigorous whisking? Did I get all the flour off the whisk before I started making mine? I don’t know.
.....
I did notice, when I went into the kitchen to pile my plate with food, that someone had already used the spoon from the regular stuffing in mine, by mistake. There’s my contamination. I looked at it, in horror. I tried to take a spoonful from the other side, with a new spoon, but it probably wasn’t enough.

Why didn’t I just skip the stuffing? Well, I already had to skip the turkey. What? Turkey has gluten in it, you’re thinking? No. Of course not. Except.…My brother and sister-in-law had bought a fresh turkey, and they decided to roast it in a plastic poultry bag. As I was finishing my gravy, I watched my dear brother take the turkey out of the oven. I remarked on how lovely and brown it looked, then stared again at the bag.
“Hey Andy, what’s that white stuff in the bag?” I asked him.
“Oh, it’s flour. The manufacturers suggest you throw a couple of tablespoons of flour in there to make sure the skin doesn’t stick,” he said, with no hint of recognition in his voice.
I stared at him. And stared at him.
And then he looked at me, his eyes growing wide, and said, “Oh shit.”

************


HOWEVER. Whereas her food blog ORIGINALLY took off because she was one of the first bloggers to demonstrate how to make fully gluten-free recipes, she realized that, as time went on, people were starting to head to blogs with better photography, better recipes, and less batshit behavior. Shauna had to DO something, so she decided, fuck it, one allergy isn't enough, guys!


*************

THE IMAGINARY EGG ALLERGY:
http://glutenfreegirl.com/2011/10/a-new-challenge/

The night of our first day of the shoot, Danny and Lu and I went out to dinner at Delancey. Brandon made me great food, gluten-free, that had nothing to do with pizza. (He always treats me well.) As a treat, he brought out a little platter of roasted padron peppers and bacon aioli (that’s aioli with bacon grease instead of oil). I was so focused on the kindness, my exhaustion, my excitement at the company of our friends and bacon aioli that I forgot. Aioli. Eggs. I ate four peppers, slathered with a small spoonful of the aioli.

Within 10 minutes, I had a vicious headache. This was no dull ache. It was bad. Worse, my throat suddenly felt smaller. I found myself gasping for air, just a bit. It’s like I couldn’t reach the bottom of my lungs. I started to wheeze, then cough. I felt like I had instant pneumonia.

Danny looked at me. I looked at him.

“Eggs.”

************

OOPS NEVER MIND, LOL:

She is now back to posting something like four photos of eggs and egg-related products per day. Now, in the above video, you MIGHT have noticed that the so-called Chef himself... Is a pretty fucking shitty excuse for a culinary artist. He puts the egg on before the pan is even hot. He breaks the yolk INSTANTLY. He POKES at it with his disgusting, dirty fingernail to get a piece of SHELL out. Uh... Here, quick, a close-up of his hand!

*SHUDDER*

And to top it all off, when he's through, his dishes turn out like THIS:

Those fucking egg whites are still CLEARLY RAW. This is not okay-- allow me to state very clearly-- this is a guy who GRADUATED from culinary school. He's worked in several professional establishments (although the names escape me ATM, but it's been confirmed by the restaurants and everything).

************

YEAH, BECAUSE THE "HEAD OF THE SCHOOL" WOULD TOTALLY SAY "ALUMNI" INSTEAD OF "ALUMNUS" RIGHT?

The day after our Vermont potluck, we drove to Montpelier to visit the culinary school Danny attended in the early 90s. It made my heart glad to see him there. The head of the school came down to greet him, and then gave him a tour of the campus, some of which has changed. Every time we passed a current student, the head of school said, “I want to introduce you to Dan, who is an alumni. He writes cookbooks for a living now. See what could happen for you?”

Danny was so happy that day.

This seriously never fucking happened. This woman is so full of shit that she should be trying to sell manure rather than simply dried up acorn-oat-whatever oatmeal cookies that TASTE like manure.

And you know what, just while we're on the subject of her relationship with the hubby, well. Uh. I'm just going to cite the following (ABSOLUTELY ICKY DISGUSTING BURN IT WITH FIRE) letter she wrote to her three-year-old nephew (Danny's brother's child).

************

AN APPROPRIATE LETTER FOR A THREE-YEAR-OLD:

http://glutenfreegirl.com/2007/03/the-joys-of-simple-food/

Last week, when your uncle talked to you on the phone, you said your first sentence to him. Your father had stopped at a little Mexican take-out place for dinner, and he had just given you some food before he asked you to step to the phone. Apparently, you said, “I have a quesadilla, and it is good.” While your uncle talked to you, amazed to hear an entire sentence, you munched away, contentedly. All he could hear was the sound of your chewing.

And the first sentence you ever said to him was about food.

He called me just afterwards, to convey the conversation. He was a little misty still, his voice a little ragged. You see, every one of you in his family (and now every person in my family — we’re all one family, joined by the two of us, now) is so deeply important to your uncle. He’s pretty sensitive to life, moved by everything, making jokes about everything else. But his family? And you? You are all, without a doubt, the most important part of his life.

That’s part of why I love him so. He loves his food, he works hard, and he treats people well. But in the end, the only thing that truly matters to him is the people he loves. I feel blessed to be one of those people.

Your uncle is a good man, Cooper. I hope that one day you will be a man as good as him.

All of this is how, last Saturday night, we ended up at a gargantuan grocery store, at nearly midnight, searching out the ingredients for quesadillas. This store was cavernous, with cold fluorescent lights, and almost no one there. But the two of us were laughing hard and discovering food on different aisles. As he walked through the produce section, he walked with his hand on my butt. (You’re going to have to be a lot older before you realize what fun that is.) That’s one part of being with someone you love this dearly — anything can be a joy.
.....
Because you were eating a quesadilla, and told your uncle about it on the phone, we sat in our bedroom, after midnight, eating hot quesadillas just off the skillet. We made jokes about Napoleon Dynamite (“Get your own damned quesadilla!”) and held each other’s hands. Sour cream and avocadoes spilled out both sides of the tortillas, and we both moaned with the messy pleasure.

************

And, well, given that we brought up the topic of Shauna being creepy around young boys, it seems highly appropriate to point out that she is a former high school English teacher... Who has made blog posts like THIS...

************
LUSTING AFTER HER OWN FORMER TEENAGE STUDENTS:

http://glutenfreegirl.com/2006/11/for-clown/

Gabe is my second little brother — if not by birth, then by endless connections and ridiculous laughter. Impossible as it may be to me, we have known each other for fourteen years. He was a pipsqueak sophomore in high school, and I was a brand-new teacher when we met. No, we didn’t have that kind of relationship and we never have. We recognized something in each other.

After grading his papers, shepherding him through graduation, and reading his stories from a tortured time in Paris, I simply became his friend. We both lived in New York at the same time and professed a mutual passion for music, films, writing, love, good chocolate, Paul Auster, photography, late nights of talking, tiny used bookstores in Manhattan, absurdities, expansive friendship, meditation, comfort food, existential dread turned into peace, family stories, unexpected gifts, subway rides with unpredicted kindness, listening in on conversations, Central Park, Keith Jarret, trying to understand our own minds, diners late at night, eerie coincidences, pratfalls, tiny moments of joy, and life.

For years, it seemed that Gabe understood me most in the world, probably because we spoke nearly every night, in telephone conversations that left our ears almost permanently dented from the receiver having grown warm over two or three hours of rapid-fire stories. We rambled through every topic, and we never felt as though we had finished what we wanted to say. We just picked it up the next day.

.....

http://glutenfreegirl.com/2012/08/gluten-free-chocolate-cake/

That student I taught in 1994? Adam. He was singular. He wore Vibram toe-shoes to school every day, lugged a beat-up metal Thermos everywhere he went (clearly, it held more than coffee), and often had grimy hands. (Of course, memory being what it is, I mis-remembered. Those toe-shoes didn’t exist then. Adam wore flip-flops in high school, every day, or went barefoot.) He asked good questions because he really didn’t give a shit about any of the expected behaviors of a model student. He bombed tests because he didn’t feel like studying. He had a fabulous mind, far more curious and tough than any of the girls who groveled for As. He had a deep throaty laugh, ratcheted back in his throat. He was utterly himself.

I particularly love that little dig at the "girls who groveled for As". What a nice fucking teacher!

************

.....I was going to bring up the topic of her ACTUAL children, but, uh, after all of that, I just need a minute.

Has anyone else followed this bizarre and utterly batshit human being? I must hear more. I only just discovered her a couple of days ago.

EDIT: Pretty sure Shauna's reading this, as she took that picture, specifically (you all remember which one-- the TONGUE one), down within the last couple of days. I don't know why else she would have done that. Replaced it with another for the time being.

 

[For The Internet]

I have to admit I don't pay much attention to The Chef but Gluten-Free Girl? Oh my god, the crazy burns. It's intense. Also, in some pics (like the second one), I swear to god she's a dead ringer for Pixy.

Speaking of her ACTUAL children: Lucy. Who 'doesn't know how to breathe yet' (as per the entry about her glorious and empowering birth story).

GFG played a shitton of Beatles songs during her birth because of course she did.
Birth story can be found here: http://glutenfreegirl.com/2008/07/welcome-oh-life-and-learning-how-to-breathe/

I especially like the line about how 'she's a strong little cuss'. Wut.


Then you get deeply navel-gazing bullshit like this:
http://glutenfreegirl.com/2014/01/gathering-shards-light/

Allow me to post an excerpt:

Spoiler: Pontifications on a child's cautious nature

She nodded, then started talking about a friend of hers. She and this other little one have been the dearest of friends, joined at the hip, so madly in love with each other that they told everyone they knew for months that they are getting married someday. But lately, there have been fewer playdates, a bit less time together. They still climb trees and swing and make up imaginary games. But there has been a bit of…lessening. We asked Lu what was wrong.

She talked about her friend’s cautious nature, the way she clings to the side of the pool instead of swimming, the way she admonishes Lu when she’s doing something her friend thinks is risky. We talked for a bit, explained that it’s in her friend’s nature to be more guarded. Could she still love her friend, even though they are so different? Yes, of course, she expressed.

She was a five year old. She picked her nose and dug in her butt. She isn't pontificating about the 'cautious' nature of a friend who is more scared of life than she loves it. Kids lose interest in their friends all the time. Your special little snowflake (she's SUCH a swimmer you guise) isn't some wise-beyond-her-years cosmic traveler, no matter what you think.


Speaking of being such a swimmer:

http://glutenfreegirl.com/2014/01/grain-free-cookies/

Of course, she's not just a mini Socrates. She's also half fish, half olympic swimmer. Lu wasn't just suspended in placenta and amniotic fluid, guys, she swam inside GFG. Unlike her stupid callous friend, Lucy isn't afraid of the water. No, she's fearless because she's super special. I guess being born to the music of the Beatles gives you superpowers. Who knew?


Tl;dr: GFG worships her 8-year-old child, thinks she's a prodigy who is the first child in the world to swim and who loses interest in friends because they fear the world more than they love it.

 

[snakesvsplanes]

I bet you guys ALL want a full album of her fondling her pregnant belly in a really creepy vaguely erotic way with a bonus shot of her freaky husband kissing it, right?

RIGHT!

https://www.flickr.com/photos/shaunaforce/sets/72157604292375429/

Spoiler: TRIGGER: Pregnant gluten-hater.

 

[creamyfanta]

Oh god I have one of her books...

 

[snakesvsplanes]

Oh god I have one of her books...

It's okayyy. I know she was one of the first big gluten-free bloggers to really step into the spotlight. I can definitely understand the need for gluten-free recipes, too, and I'm sure not ALL of the stuff she cooks sucks. (That tater tot casserole, though, jesus.)

...Everything ELSE about her, though...

 

[creamyfanta]

It's okayyy. I know she was one of the first big gluten-free bloggers to really step into the spotlight. I can definitely understand the need for gluten-free recipes, too, and I'm sure not ALL of the stuff she cooks sucks. (That tater tot casserole, though, jesus.)

...Everything ELSE about her, though...

I was gluten free for about two years because of an experiment to see why I felt so nauseous all the time (turns out anxiety is a bigger bitch than gluten).

Anyways, my mom was sweet and bought us both the gluten free girl book. I thought the name was cute and we liked that the author was from seattle.
Of course, I never read it. Oops.

Now I want to burn it...
Cooking gluten free is EASY. I've made cookies, cakes, bread, pancakes, pasta, etc all gluten free and it was awesome.

So fuck her. I'm a way better gluten free girl

 

[chimpburgers]

Holy fuck, talk about failing to live up to your high standards, gluten free bitch. She disgusts me even more than the idiots that run Amy's Baking Company.

I can't believe that's the same woman in that last photo compared to the ones 9 yrs ago.

 

[Vitriol]

from http://writingmyheartout.blogspot.co.uk/

Last night, Kristin and I ate dark chocolate with raspberries. It made our evening. And this, after dinner at the Silverwater Cafe--seared ahi tuna with lavender pepper and gorgonzola rotini. Isn’t it odd how words rarely connote the experience? Not even close. Because gorgonzola rotini really should be: warm sunlight pouring through the window on our shoulders, a loving conversation about experiences about camp passing between us, warm crusty bread already in our bellies, glasses of red wine half drunk on the bar before us, and the rich, stinky cheese, mingled with salty walnuts and wilted broccoli, filling our mouths and making us close our eyes at the same time, confirming once again that we are friends, because we are equally grateful for this experience. And that’s a long sentence. But it’s not long enough. Because all of those sensations, tastes, and emotions are layered upon each other to make up a densely complex experience. But we all agree to speak in shorthand--gorgonzola rotini.

And that’s enough.


And then we went to see Fahrenheit 911, which was playing at the quaint Rose Theatre. Thank goodness we had all that good food in our bellies. Holy shit, that film devastated me. I knew it would. That’s why I have been resisting it for the last month. It’s not that I don’t care about what the film shows. It’s that I care too much. We live in such a miserable time of denial and lies. And it’s all right out in the open, for everyone to ignore. All of the facts Moore presented? I had read them in the Guardian or the Economist or the New York Times, these past few years. Given that I teach a 20th-century Humanities class, and that I’m involved in politics (because I’m fiercely interested in the humanity of this world), I feel a moral responsibility to keep current on the news. But still, there’s only so much that reading can do. And besides, I’ve assiduously avoided listening to W these past few years. When I hear him start to make a speech, I turn off the radio. His voice makes me feel a little nauseous. But there was no avoiding him in this movie. And besides, seeing mothers weep over the loss of their sons teaches far more. As the film proceeded, I just sank farther and farther down in my chair, completely absorbed and horrified. And I cried and covered my eyes at times. When the film finished, I couldn’t say anything for long moments. As Kristin and I walked down the darkened main street of Port Towsend, toward my car, we agreed: we’re done worrying out our own petty concerns, because we’re both so wonderfully spoiled; and we must all do something about this election in November. You guys, we have to DO something.

The purple prose just kills me I can't stop laughing. we need to do some dramatic readings.

To avoid double posting

I never thought I’d have to write this post.

First of all, let me put your concerns at rest. Danny is alive. Lucy is thriving. We all have our health, a home, work we love, and no one is in any real danger. So really, my life is blessed.

This is what I keep telling myself when I get these tiny waves of mourning lapping at my mind.

You see, about three weeks ago, I was told I shouldn’t be eating eggs anymore. Ever.

Danny says that when I came inside the house, after talking with my doctor about my test results on the phone, he knew something was up. “Eggs,” I said. “Eggs?! Eggs.”

Then I stopped talking for awhile.

“Eggs,” she told me, before I could even finish the sentence asking her about the results. “Off the chart. Eggs.”

http://glutenfreegirl.com/2011/10/a-new-challenge/

 

[voiceguy]

As I watched Danny cooking eggs, all I could imagine was Gordon Ramsey breathing down his neck and screaming "NO! NOT LIKE THAT! YOU FUCKING DONKEY!"

As for the daughter's amazing swimming skills:

She taught herself to breathe under water.

Does she have gills? Because kids are going to make fun of that. Oh. well, at least she'll save a fortune on SCUBA gear.

we need to do some dramatic readings.

Ask and ye shall receive.

 

[AnOminous]

Isn't this gluten obsession just more fad hipster bullshit? Unless you have celiac or something.

 

[chimpburgers]

Isn't this gluten obsession just more fad hipster bullshit? Unless you have celiac or something.

It's also more expensive to buy many of these so called gluten free products. Not worth it for most people IMO.

 

[snakesvsplanes]

It's also more expensive to buy many of these so called gluten free products. Not worth it for most people IMO.

Well, I do agree with her approach regarding this, which is to... Simply cook your own shit and make sure not to use gluten. Makes sense. But the way she completely polices everyone ELSE'S diets and habits and so on... Ugh.

 

[ChuckSlaughter]

Isn't this gluten obsession just more fad hipster bullshit? Unless you have celiac or something.

I forget the breakdown but they did some research and some had celiac, some had some genuine but yet unidentified condition, and a large number of people were just getting the placebo effect

But yes there is some unidentified gluten sensitive condition.

 

[voiceguy]

My brother says it's an allergy...but,eh, what does he know? He ate alfalfa sprout sandwiches for years because"they're good for you". My boss always used to say "Your brother doesn't eat -- he grazes."

 

[DrJonesHat]

As someone who actually has celiac disease (I've had the blood test and stomach biopsy to confirm it) and has to stick to a very restricted diet for that and other reasons, all I can say is if you don't have it, eat the damn muffin.

 

[ZehnBoat]

looking for 18-30 gluten-free girl to be girlfriend from the ground up

Isn't this gluten obsession just more fad hipster bullshit? Unless you have celiac or something.

basically people became aware that some people couldn't eat gluten, so suddenly a ton of people decided they couldn't eat it either
and people started to think that gluten is evil and makes you super fat.
i wonder if this will happen to peanuts, dairy, and everything else people are allergic too (like sunlight or water)

 

[waffle]

@snakesvsplanes Don't get me wrong, this woman is wacky as fuck and wired about kids, but I kind of think you might be doing the mean-girl thing where you hate some bitch so you start digging on everything she's ever done. I don't think her gluten free stuff rely rises above the noise as far as the general silliness of the gluten free crowd goes.

 

[Null]

@snakesvsplanes Don't get me wrong, this woman is wacky as fuck and wired about kids, but I kind of think you might be doing the mean-girl thing where you hate some bitch so you start digging on everything she's ever done. I don't think her gluten free stuff rely rises above the noise as far as the general silliness of the gluten free crowd goes.

Were you also the conscientious objector of any other female lolcow that turns into petty nitpicking and fashion drama? Everything I see in OP oozes crazy and is far more interesting than Asha, PixyTeri, OrangeCrush, etc.

I mean, seriously:

Spoiler

 

[snakesvsplanes]

@snakesvsplanes Don't get me wrong, this woman is wacky as fuck and wired about kids, but I kind of think you might be doing the mean-girl thing where you hate some bitch so you start digging on everything she's ever done. I don't think her gluten free stuff rely rises above the noise as far as the general silliness of the gluten free crowd goes.

Uh, okay? Except that I have no problems with anyone who has food allergies at all. I only discovered this woman's existence yesterday and thought she was just batshit crazy. Did you even pay attention to the first post and, you know, read it? Or did you just skim and jump to conclusions?

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

I seriously just yelled "FUCK NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT IS NOT HOW YOU COOK A FUCKING EGG CHRIST" at my computer. I don't know who pisses me off more, GFG or her shitty-excuse-for-a-chef husband.

Also, @voiceguy, you're the fucking best.

EDIT: Also metal spatula on Teflon pan hurts my autism. As does ALL THAT FUCKING OIL ON SOMETHING THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NON-STICK ANYWAY