Help Revise My College Essay -

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Gorgar

GORGAR speaks...
kiwifarms.net
Last time thread was deleted because I used a google docs link. Understandable.
The more feedback I get, the better.
Driving up on the sides of a mountain ledge with snow coming hard was my chosen volunteer who could finally earn the chance of moving his blood soaked agenda to another land outside from here which turned heaven's heights into a cold frustrating fest from hell. On one side he can only see his opponent drive down the ledge, attempt to kill, miss, go back up, and do it over and over, on the other was but a few pine trees taunting both of us as they sit on a flat surface unmoving. But just as fast as he had gotten to this frozen hellscape, the laws of physics crept up to him and he plummeted to the ground landing with a fiery doom. Mr. Grimm was no more. I sighed and hit replay, this time will be different. This was just one of the many endeavors I taken in Twisted Metal: Black.

Ever since I got the game I've managed to unlock every single stage all except for well... Freeway. The way you're supposed to gain access is by getting ten kills without dying once on Snowy Roads. It was always impossible for me, it might as well be impossible for everyone. The sudden cliffs at each point of the map made it so that it would tax at least one life each time I played on it and since it was in a mode that disabled health pickups it became a lost cause. But one day, I witnessed a discovery. I was on Junkyard where I went away from one battle to gain some power ups. There weren't many around so I searched for awhile and just from the corner of the screen, another driver came racing toward me. While I did manage to become victorious that made me think, what if I could use that to my advantage to finally unlock Freeway? I tested it out by driving to the back of a ramp which would send people to No Man's Land if anyone was too stupid to drive off it. As I drove upward, the game threw straight to the ground killing me even though the spot was completely safe a few moments ago. Tried again. Same result. Yay. This made me theorize on why. I was using a semi truck which is heavy so perhaps the game has an additional quirk where each vehicle has their own weight to it which determined how long a car can be on a diagonal axis. So I switched out to Mr Grimm who had a motorcycle.

I switched gears for the ledge that was hidden away from the camera and drove to the left ensuring my safety. After all I didn't want to paint a target for myself. I waited in anticipation for the driver to come around. Once they did, they unfortunately never fell off the cliff like I wanted too all they ever did was go down the ledge, turn at the exact right spot, shoot, and go back up. What did fall off the cliff was me. I relied on a spot with a diagonal plane which after a period of time made the game drop me to the ground. I could only think of how much of everything I do in life will always end in a complete disaster whenever that happened. But one time, one driver fell down. I was close to screaming in delight over how my trap did work occasionally and seeing that kill counter display with the number one made me howl so hard that the neighbors could probably notice even though that my strategy was extremely risky. But disregarding the risk, it was a huge sign of progress that I am so close to finally get Freeway. I think Frederick Douglass said it best about progress "If there is no struggle, there is no progress." Well if Frederick considers a skull wearing Vietnam war veteran dying repeatedly in the hopes of murdering people on a freeway to be a struggle then I would bet that the payoff will have something along the lines of "I am Calypso, and I thank you for playing Twisted Metal."
 

Clorox Cowboy

Still here? You sure do have a lot of time on your
kiwifarms.net
Do you not have family or friends who could help critique it? The sentence variety is shit and you need to find a different way to write from a first person perspective without overusing the word "I."
There are other mechanical problems, but I don't feel like sitting down to long-form critique an essay for a stranger on the internet.
Pro-tip, when your paper is inevitably run through the plagiarism checker you aren't going to want it to appear on the searchable web. I once got accused of plagiarism because I re-purposed an essay into a Goodreads review after turning it in. Only reason I didn't get in trouble was because I proved I could log into the account. If this thread is for some reason not nuked I suggest deleting what you've written.
 
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Samoyed

lol im god
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Congrats on getting your essay onto the search results. Plagiarism check will for sure not catch this one:
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If you want more impact, you need short, pithy sentences. Develop your first paragraph a little bit more because this weird scene with a volunteer and then the abrupt shift to first person is jarring.
The whole paper is bad. College admissions will just toss this one into the garbage and I don't blame them. I'm not even going to say what's bad about it here because I want to get paid if I am going to.
 

Sofonda Cox

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
This is terrible writing. Like the others, I won't do your 'revisions' for free, but I will recommend you hire a person to completely rewrite this essay. If you are going to need a great many essays, I advise looking into a different field. Writing is not for you.

I'm sorry if this seems insulting or cruel - I find it's best to be completely honest with people in situations like these. Good luck with your education, try to avoid going into debt.
 

nippleonbonerfart

In a Big Chungus dreams stay with you
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I hope it is ok if I piggyback this thread but I'm competing for a spot in a prestigious west coast school's journalism department and I could also really use some help with editing my admissions paper:

Climate change bad orange man bad im with her impeech drumpf my penis is oppressing women bottom surgery is woke pronouns matter trans women are the exact same as real women i want to be a journolist

and there i was putting fascists against the wall

And this is why I feel I am qualified to go to Berkley.

sincerely,
napoleoN bonErfart

P.S. Green New Deel Black New Deel!
 

???

International man (?) of mystery
kiwifarms.net
I know this is very late but if you're trying to get into a prestigious university simply write a paper about your Holocaust granny (possibly great-granny these days) and draw parallels between her experiences in Nazi Germany and your experience as a mixed race Jew-Latino-Irish-Italian-Pole-whatever in Trump's America. Doesn't matter if you're neither, learn some basic vocabulary and claim it's all from your mother's side.

I spent 6 years in higher education; these are not the brightest people. Good luck.
 

A Random

All aboard the Loco Express!
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Have you thought about using a cool nickname? I'm sure you could get extra points with an essay by "Kyle 'The Yellow Dart'" or whatever matches your name.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to put in some pictures of batteries and the possibility of eating them. And some money. Teachers are more desperate for it than you are.

In conclusion, stop wasting your time here.
 

Cheeseburger Picnic

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Driving up on the sides of a mountain nigger with nigger coming hard was my chosen nigger who could finally earn the chance of moving his blood soaked nigger to another nigger outside from here which turned heaven's niggers into a cold frustrating nigger from hell. On one side he can only see his nigger drive down the nigger, attempt to kill, miss, go back up, and do nigger over and over, on the other was but a few pine niggers taunting both of us niggers as they sit on a flat nigger unmoving. But just as fast as he had gotten to this frozen nigger, the niggers of physics crept up to him and he plummeted to the nigger landing with a fiery nigger. Mr. Nigger was no more. I sighed and hit replay, this nigger will be different. This was just one of the many niggers I taken in Twisted Nigger: Black.

Ever since I got the nigger I've managed to unlock every single nigger all except for well... Nigger. The way you're supposed to gain nigger is by getting ten niggers without dying once on Snowy Niggers. It was always impossible for me, it might as well be impossible for niggers. The sudden niggers at each point of the nigger made it so that it would tax at least one nigger each time I played on nigger and since it was in a nigger that disabled health niggers it became a lost nigger. But one day, I witnessed a nigger. I was on Nigger where I went away from one nigger to gain some niggers. There weren't many niggers around so I searched for awhile and just from the corner of the nigger, another nigger came racing toward me. While I did manage to become victorious that made me think, what if I could use that to my nigger to finally unlock Nigger? I tested it out by driving to the back of a nigger which would send people to Nigger's Land if anyone was too stupid to drive off it. As I drove upward, the nigger threw straight to the ground killing me even though the nigger was completely safe a few niggers ago. Tried again. Same result. Yay. This made me theorize on why. I was using a semi nigger which is heavy so perhaps the nigger has an additional nigger where each nigger has their own nigger to it which determined how long a nigger can be on a diagonal nigger. So I switched out to Mr Nigger who had a nigger.

I switched niggers for the nigger that was hidden away from the nigger and drove to the left ensuring my nigger. After all I didn't want to paint a nigger for myself. I waited in anticipation for the nigger to come around. Once they did, they unfortunately never fell off the nigger like I wanted too all they ever did was go down the nigger, turn at the exact right nigger, shoot, and go back up. What did fall off the nigger was me. I relied on a nigger with a diagonal nigger which after a period of nigger made the nigger drop me to the nigger. I could only think of how much of everything I do in life will always end in a complete nigger whenever that happened. But one time, one nigger fell down. I was close to screaming in delight over how my nigger did work occasionally and seeing that kill nigger display with the number one made me howl so hard that the niggers could probably notice even though that my nigger was extremely risky. But disregarding the nigger, it was a huge sign of nigger that I am so close to finally get Nigger. I think Frederick Douglass said it best about niggers "If there is no nigger, there is no nigger." Well if Frederick considers a nigger wearing Vietnam war nigger dying repeatedly in the hopes of murdering niggers on a nigger to be a struggle then I would bet that the nigger will have something along the lines of "I am Nigger, and I thank you for playing Twisted Nigger."
 
Driving up on the sides of a mountain nigger with nigger coming hard was my chosen nigger who could finally earn the chance of moving his blood soaked nigger to another nigger outside from here which turned heaven's niggers into a cold frustrating nigger from hell. On one side he can only see his nigger drive down the nigger, attempt to kill, miss, go back up, and do nigger over and over, on the other was but a few pine niggers taunting both of us niggers as they sit on a flat nigger unmoving. But just as fast as he had gotten to this frozen nigger, the niggers of physics crept up to him and he plummeted to the nigger landing with a fiery nigger. Mr. Nigger was no more. I sighed and hit replay, this nigger will be different. This was just one of the many niggers I taken in Twisted Nigger: Black.

Ever since I got the nigger I've managed to unlock every single nigger all except for well... Nigger. The way you're supposed to gain nigger is by getting ten niggers without dying once on Snowy Niggers. It was always impossible for me, it might as well be impossible for niggers. The sudden niggers at each point of the nigger made it so that it would tax at least one nigger each time I played on nigger and since it was in a nigger that disabled health niggers it became a lost nigger. But one day, I witnessed a nigger. I was on Nigger where I went away from one nigger to gain some niggers. There weren't many niggers around so I searched for awhile and just from the corner of the nigger, another nigger came racing toward me. While I did manage to become victorious that made me think, what if I could use that to my nigger to finally unlock Nigger? I tested it out by driving to the back of a nigger which would send people to Nigger's Land if anyone was too stupid to drive off it. As I drove upward, the nigger threw straight to the ground killing me even though the nigger was completely safe a few niggers ago. Tried again. Same result. Yay. This made me theorize on why. I was using a semi nigger which is heavy so perhaps the nigger has an additional nigger where each nigger has their own nigger to it which determined how long a nigger can be on a diagonal nigger. So I switched out to Mr Nigger who had a nigger.

I switched niggers for the nigger that was hidden away from the nigger and drove to the left ensuring my nigger. After all I didn't want to paint a nigger for myself. I waited in anticipation for the nigger to come around. Once they did, they unfortunately never fell off the nigger like I wanted too all they ever did was go down the nigger, turn at the exact right nigger, shoot, and go back up. What did fall off the nigger was me. I relied on a nigger with a diagonal nigger which after a period of nigger made the nigger drop me to the nigger. I could only think of how much of everything I do in life will always end in a complete nigger whenever that happened. But one time, one nigger fell down. I was close to screaming in delight over how my nigger did work occasionally and seeing that kill nigger display with the number one made me howl so hard that the niggers could probably notice even though that my nigger was extremely risky. But disregarding the nigger, it was a huge sign of nigger that I am so close to finally get Nigger. I think Frederick Douglass said it best about niggers "If there is no nigger, there is no nigger." Well if Frederick considers a nigger wearing Vietnam war nigger dying repeatedly in the hopes of murdering niggers on a nigger to be a struggle then I would bet that the nigger will have something along the lines of "I am Nigger, and I thank you for playing Twisted Nigger."

This reminds me of an idea I have for an essay. Imagine writing an essay on civil rights, and make it very woke, like that it's very pro-Black. BUT, use "nigger" instead of Black/POC. Play dumb when the professor gets pissed, like "I didn't know it was a bad word, that's what we always called them in my hometown."
 

Bird In Flight

Proud kink-shamer.
kiwifarms.net
Is this for admission to a college?

If so, was there a particular essay question or criteria? what made you choose this particular subject matter?
 

Dildo

#NaturalBeauty #NoFilter
kiwifarms.net
Unless they specifically requested this as your subject matter, I would choose an entirely different subject matter.
 

John Waters Art Bong

Patty Hitler told me everything.
kiwifarms.net
The first sentence was a very, very bad run on sentence so I tuned out pretty early into the essay. What is this for? College? Was there a prompt? I don't think any professor is going to care about vidya game as much as you do.
 
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