Hispanic History and Traditions -

EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
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I'm sure they'll continue to do their damnedest. As foreigner my view is that there's enough external investment in the nation for the rest of the world to never allow disintegration.

I've read plenty of Spanish and Basque literature. Most recently published was written decades before I was born and I know near nothing about the current landscape of your national literature. If you know who would you say are the predominant voices in fiction writing and poetry today?
TODAY? I'd say fucking pewdiepie. He sure is known by more spaniards than any given currently alive authors.

Jokes aside. Personally my book backlog is fucking filled with foreign stuff, and I know the one of most spaniards I know is too. We have some really good translators so for the most part the most influential authors in spain are the same as internationally. As for spanish authors, I've heard a lot about Perez-Reberte and Aramburu, but to be honest current spanish literature is kinda garbage nowadays, as is most international literature if I'm honest. Most of our good writers either go for songs, comedy, comics or videogames. The book market's just gone to hell as it has in most areas. We are really good at songs, comedy, comics and videogames though, and decent at cinematography (though A3 Media's corruption has fucked that over a tad.)
 

UnimportantFarmer

kiwifarms.net
It is notable that even after govt moved from PP to the Socialists, there was exactly no substantive change for Catalan separatists, going nowhere, insofar as I can see.
 

EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
kiwifarms.net
It is notable that even after govt moved from PP to the Socialists, there was exactly no substantive change for Catalan separatists, going nowhere, insofar as I can see.
Funny thing about Spain. Allowing a territory to leave would involve changing the constitution. Meaning the current government would need to propose the measure in congress, get 70% approval, then resign, have an ellection process, and have the new government corroborate the change with 70% approval rating.

Now, every actually representative referendum in catalonia has shown less than 50% of catalonians want to secede to begin with when shit actually gets serious. So... You think anyone's even gonna try to pull the pin on that grenade? No they fucking ain't. Catalonia sure as shit ain't going.
 

RichardMongler

Causing much mayhem, dropping drama
kiwifarms.net
I love this thread.

Do you have any favorite Spanish bands or musicians?

Me: Ñu, Mägo de Oz, Barón Rojo, Ángeles del Infierno, Santa, Bruque, Banzai, Éxodo, Panzer, Soziedad Alkoholika, Estirpe Imperial, División 250, Decibelios and a few others.
 
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EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
kiwifarms.net
I love this thread.

Do you have any favorite Spanish bands or musicians?

Me: Ñu, Mägo de Oz, Barón Rojo, Ángeles del Infierno, Santa, Bruque, Banzai, Éxodo, Panzer, Soziedad Alkoholika, Estirpe Imperial, División 250, Decibelios and a few others.
I must admit 2 things when it comes to music.
1-I'm one of those hypsters whose favourite groups are old as shit.
2-I'm the most basic of basic bitches when it comes to music.
So feel free to judge me for this but...

I must immediately admit my favourite group would have to be Fito y los Fitipaldis and La Quinta Estación. (Specially with "Soldadito Marinero and El Sol No Regresa respectively being some of my favourite songs by far.) Which is an extreme oldfag normie choice, but you know. I'm a music fudd. Aside from that, of course, just look at Carnaval, and specially Chirigotas, like the one from El Selu and I just listen to that all year long as I admitted on that part of the thread. That done with, I must recomend Alex O'Dogerty, for other comedic songs. And I am definitely not biased because he's from Cadiz! Ejem. No but for real he's amazing. And finally, and not requoting the ones you already mentioned (Mago de Oz ftw!), time to dive head first into "god how can you be so basic", with Melendi, Dani Martín, Morat, Juanes, La Oreja de Van Gogh, Amarat, El Canto del Loco and probably 5 billion other popular artists that will absolutely pop up as soon as you search any top 100 songs in spain for any given year. Yeah I know, depicable. But for real my taste in music can best be summed up as "anything other than Regaetton and the shit from Eurovisión/Operación Triunfo" and most of my favourite songs are a long list of jokes set to a beat so I am definitely not someone that should be trusted with music recommendations.
 

EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
kiwifarms.net
The Battle of Ceriñola, Part 3. The Battle:

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So where did we leave this? Oh yes. The Spanish literally walked into Cerignola and took it without opposition then reinforced the fuck out of the village by building an artificial river and palisade and the French arrived and did not like it. Because it was their village being taken. Or so they thought, I mean Cerignola was Italian but Italy had broken to shit and back by this point and wouldn’t rebuild until some years later so no one cared what they thought.

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And so, as the French looked over the battlefield, I must imagine first question was where the hell their artillery was, seeing as how shelling a fortified position was quite tempting indeed. This must’ve been when they were informed that the artillery, alongside most of their supplies, had gotten their wheels stuck in the mud and would not arrive in time for the battle. Yeah because leaving your cannons behind is a great idea when assaulting an entrenched position! Thankfully the Spanish artillerymen were so kind as to even the playing field on that aspect by blowing themselves up as soon as they saw their enemies. So hey, seems no one gets to dick around with big metal balls today! I still can’t get over the fact that both sides simultaneously started by fucking it up on the artillery front in technically unique but functionally identical ways. Just. Beautiful. And so the Cheese Munchers got to doing an overview of the battle.

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The Spaniards had let their Ginetes loose on the flanks and ordered everyone else to form a battleline on the palisades except for their men-at-arms which waited on the rear for a chance to strike, separated in 2 groups, one for each flank. Also, depending on who you ask the Landsknechts are like fucking Schrodinger’s Cat. Some say they were with the men-at-arms in the rear while others say they formed a block in the middle with both Spanish light infantry contingents at their sides. Documents do say there were 2 light infantry contingents and 1 landsknecht contingent and that the landsknechts carried only melee weapons. So my best guess is they were put as the middle of the pike block, with the Spanish pikes covering the flanks, which due to the size of their formation would put them “at the rear” of the infantry block, which is where the men-at-arms were too, more or less. But that’s just me trying to interpret the conflicting intel and it’s honestly not that important. Either way we know they started near the rear and ended in the middle of the frontline, so that’s all that we need to know. Oh and we can’t forget there was also the smouldering remains of the artillery lying at the left of the heavy cavalry, yeah that helped a lot, ehem. Either way, this was a pretty common defensive strategy, just cover the front line with ranged weapons, second line (even if possibly deformed) with pikes, leave the knights behind ready to act when needed and send out the light cav to be an annoyance at the enemy’s sides. Really nothing fancy, but hey, if it works it works.

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And I can imagine this is exactly when Louis of Ars, second in command of Duke Nemours, looked at his superior and said “hey chief, so-“ wait no I gotta make him more French. “Mon Commandant, je suis avoir flashbacks. Hon, hon.” To which the Duke seemingly answered “Not every battle against a clearly inferior, ranged weapon focused enemy can turn into god damned Agincourt! Hon, hon.” To which Louis answered “Cette cest appelé préfiguration, milord.” Sadly somehow Louis lost that discussion. Btw I’m going to call the Duke Nemours by his title for this whole tale because he was also called Louis. This was medieval France, they were all called Louis. Except the ones that wanted to be fancy by using the German spelling, Ludwig. Seriously they all had the same damned name.

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On the positive side, the French also had Schrodinger’s Cat fighting for them. In this case the Stradiots. You see, most agree they had a big block of Sweedish Pike at the center with French Infantry to their left and Gendarmes to the right. This made generally a good amount of sense, they needed to focus their heavy cav on one flank if they wished to plow through the frontline, and spreading their light infantry in 2 sides wouldn’t have the defensive value it offered the Spanish, so keeping it together added some cohesion. But then we get to the Stradiots. And there are 3 different accounts. Some say they were on the left completely alone, some say they were on the right with the Gendarmes, and some say they were on both sides, having been divided in 2 to protect the flanks. It wasn’t uncommon to add light cav to heavy cav to fill out numbers if needed, so I can’t actually even tell which one is most likely. But I do think the third would make more sense. Since the times of the romans people had used light cav to counter light cav, and as we’ll see that’s the tactic the Stradiots used once the battle started, so it seems most likely they were positioned for it. But that’s just my guess and I am just a nerd with no formal military training so I doubt my battlefield experience on the 41st millennium gives me any authority on this. So it could be that they simply switched to that tactic at the start of the battle. Either way, again, nothing fancy, but it works. Certainly no 4D chess moves involved in this particular battle.

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Either way, the battle started as the light infantry on both sides started exchanging ranged projectiles and the Stradiots utilized one of the most tried and tested light cav strategies since the times of the roman Equites by triggering the Ginetes and then running for it, prompting both side’s light cav to stop mattering for this battle as they spent the rest of the day chasing each other somewhere along the French rear and would only come back to pick off fleeing soldiers once the battle ended. I told you their position wouldn’t matter too much.

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This was of course just the normal start to any battle. (Including the utter failure from the artillery.) And so, Duke Nemours told the Gendarmes to lower their visors, couch their lances, pull up their frilly stockings and charge against the Spanish flank. The plan may have been crude and blatant, but it was sound. Sure, the French had to deal with a moat and palisade. But their armor was reinforced, at this point being able to stand against any projectile they had encountered with little losses. All they needed to do was get into melee and the Spanish would be fucked five ways to Sunday. By any measure they had encountered before this point, the French had just won. The Spanish simply never stood a chance.

Sadly for the French, the new Spanish Espingardas (A type of shotgun. Yes I know the name is also used for a type of light artillery piece, which btw did not even exist by this point, but it got its name from the prior type of shotgun which is what we’re referring to now. Again, welcome to old timey names, they sucked even more than modern names.) had a lot more kick than any weapon the Gendarmes had encountered before. Indeed they had enough kick to reliably pierce even their reinforced plate armour. And thanks to El Gran Capitán’s lobbying they had just been amassed for the occasion. So, the first charge quickly encountered that the return fire was a lot more spicy than they expected and were forced to retreat.

This is what many would call a teaching moment. They had made a mistake and paid dearly, it was time to think about what had happened and reconsider their options. The Duke did so, and seemingly decided it must’ve been luck, ordering a second charge. The result was the same. The Gendarmes, prior glory of Europe, most well trained and geared knights in the realm, were pushed back by a buncha serfs with guns. Having seemingly lost his mind at this realization the Duke then decided to press on by adding the infantry, ordering infantry and cavalry to combine their forces and march into the Spanish flank, hoping the pikemen would offer sufficient cover for what remained of his Gendarmes. They did not, and as the losses piled up Duke Nemours was added to the list, as a Spanish Espingardero hit him in the chest, and killed him instantly.

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At this point the French and now Swiss had endured a terrible toll and the French command chain was nearly nonexistent. So leadership fell upon Colonel Chaudieu, leader of the Swiss Pikemen. This was the one chance they had to free themselves of the folly of the Duke. At this point retreating would mean the battle would come to be remembered in infamy for their defeat at the hands of such seemingly insignificant opponent, but if Chaudieu could only forget his pride an ordered retreat could still salvage most of his men and ensure the French could regroup and think about how this shifted their strategy moving forward. It was the sensible thing to do. It was the right thing to do.

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Sadly, far from learning from his predecessor’s mistake Chaudieu seemingly shared on his insanity, ordering 3 more charges of combined cavalry and infantry, this time directly against the middle of the Spanish frontline, one directly after the other as each failed, deliberately taking away his own army’s capacity to regroup and recover in some deranged attempt to sandwich his men between the enemy and their own damned pride. This lunacy seemingly being fuelled by the hole the Swiss managed to tear into the center of the Spanish palisade on the first assault. Sadly for them however the Landsknechts had been immediately ordered to cover the hole as the Spanish infantry took to the flanks to continue the rain of projectiles, and so, far from managing to tear into the ranged underbelly of the Spanish force, the French were thrown at the meatgrinder of German heavy infantry, a wall of pikes standing beside them and any chance of victory. Instead of managing to open a wound, they merely railroaded themselves into the worst spot they could ever be in.

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If you excuse my bad philosophical wanking. This is for me the biggest fuckup of the whole affair. Nemours lost his marbles, that’s for sure, but to some degree it made sense. He was a lord whose lands had been invaded and he could not predict the Spanish ranged weaponry would be as devastating as it was, even the Spaniards were surprised at just how horrifyingly effective it turned out to be. So the shock could easily have made him loose his sense of strategy. But after 2 failed charges and a repelled march Nemour’s death was the point at which the French needed to hold back, organize, and prepare an organized retreat. Doing so would’ve prevented a significant number of casualties, not just in combat but while fleeing, and while their honour would be tainted greatly by such a turn of events, at least they could prepare to defend the next village, and if they played their cards right stop Spanish advances on their lands for a considerable amount of time while their command tried to adapt to the situation. I mean, the French royalty was definitively unprepared for the technological advances needed to stop Spain, so it wasn’t gonna work, but they couldn’t know that.

And command falling upon a mercenary was the perfect chance for this. Now, don’t get me wrong, Swiss and German mercenaries had reputations to uphold, they weren’t cowardly or turncoats by any measure. Hell even the Almogavars, which were practically glorified Vikings, had a strong sense of loyalty once they gave their word. But mercenaries did tend to have much cooler heads that the nobles. They certainly had standards, but they weren’t fighting for their own lands, and so, they could keep their cool for longer and could be trusted to tell their lords when shit really wasn’t gonna work out for them. Even if they then proceeded to fight anyway if said lord gave the order. They were soldiers through and through, and some of the damned best. But the Colonel, far from protecting his side’s interest to the best of his ability, demonstrated absolutely no sense of tactics.

By the time command got to him his troops’ morale was broken, his best soldiers had been laid to waste without even getting to melee range of the enemy, his heavy pikemen had endured losses while the Landsknecht’s hadn’t even entered combat at all, the Stradiots had seen the situation and fled, giving the Ginetes a chance to start harassing his ranged troops, and his Gendarmes were practically in shock at a situation they could not possibly fight against. The Duke had started with a good advantage at first, yes, but by the time he died his entire army had been beaten and the Spanish handcannons had proven to be gamechanging. The French might’ve still had numerical superiority, but they were losing hard and it didn’t seem like that situation could be amended at that point. And yet, the Colonel simply ordered his troops to form a giant block to protect what was left of the Gendarmes and march directly against the front of the palisade, literally turning his men into meatshields, and pushed them not just once but three times without a break to squeeze against the opening they managed to make in the outer wall under the desperate delusion that maybe, just maybe, if he broke the Germans the rest of the army would fall after them.

And to be fair... It could be that breaking the Landsknecht would turn the tide once more. Although I don’t think so. Do take into account that the Spanish pikes stood by the German’s sides ready to plug any holes and yet didn’t get to see combat at all, and neither did the men-at-arms which were also awaiting orders. So I’d say the Spanish could hold even if the Landsknechts fell. But we’ll never know, because the Germans didn’t even come close to showing weakness. They plugged the hole in the palisades with a wall of pikes and kept their Doppelsöldners at the ready to stomp any Gendarmes and Swiss Halberdiers that might escape the wrath of the handcannoneers. Their line didn’t even move a single bloody inch. They were for all intents and purposes as solid as the literal walls around them, if not more. They simply couldn’t break to begin with, so we’ll never even get any documents narrating the doubts any Spaniard might’ve had, any decision they might’ve taken if the Germans fell. Because they never had to make that question to begin with.

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And so, the Swiss literally marched over the corpses of their comrades straight into a wall of death for hours on end as the Gendarmes got picked out by the Spanish before they could even threaten their frontline, until finally Chaudieu found his demise by the hand of another Espingardero and the army broke. And by that point, an organized retreat was a damned near impossibility. The Swiss admirably managed to execute it, but everybody else just broke and ran for it. Had they kept their pikes at the ready and gone slowly el Gran Capitán would’ve had to consider the possible losses in chasing them.

But instead they basically tore their own lines open and gave the Spanish Celadas and Ginetes the perfect chance to weave in-between them hunting important targets while cutting anyone unlucky enough to be close to their path. And so it was, as El Gran Capitán, seeing this opportunity, decided to ensure the French couldn’t regroup by ordering the men-at-arms and returning Ginetes to hunt down the Gendarmes and cause as much damage as possible at their path. Causing even more losses the cavalry simply weaved amongst the enemy slashing at anyone unfortunate enough to be close to their path while they chased any armoured or otherwise notorious target they could find. Only the Swiss, thanks to their discipline and use of pikes, escaped their wrath, no mercy was shown.

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From the beginning of the assault this wasn’t a fight, it was a fucking slaughter, just a one-sided massacre where one of the sides might as well have counted as unarmed civilians. Had someone been this brutal when crushing their enemies in modern times they would be staring at a war tribunal for it. But back in these days getting captured only got you an even more fucked up execution, so El Gran Capitán was called a hero instead. Some might want to ponder on the ethical implications of this. I’d say when seen in context the Spaniards did what was expected of soldiers at the time. This was common practice in most wars, and the French had no reason to expect anything less. They certainly wouldn’t have shown mercy had the tides turned. But as we’ll see in the last part, it seems El Gran Capitán would be the first to realize just how much more death than normal had been inflicted, and come to lament it, soon enough.

For now, let’s talk about the cold numbers. The battle took nearly 24 hours, from one morning to the next. On that time, reports of the dead on the French side vary in number, with the upper limit in the 5000, but either way most agree the majority of Gendarmes lost their lives, saving only a small contingent led by Louis of Ars which managed to escape, with the lowest casualties coming from the Stradiots that for the most part just legged it as soon as shit turned ugly. On the Spanish side the number is somewhere in the few hundreds, including the self immolating artillerymen. What was supposed to be a one sided victory by the French therefore turned into the exact opposite scenario, something that would be repeated in other battles like Bicoca, as they were forced to learn the hard way that technological advancements had just rendered their ways of combat worthless. War would never be the same, and the political implications of this shift would only become more and more apparent with time.

For now, I will leave this tale here and talk about the aftermath on the next post. The battle is over. Leaving behind a result that left both sides scarred. It is time to tend to the dead, and attempt to understand the implications of such dreadful resolution. See you on the next part.
 
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Pitere pit

Has man gone insane?
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Funny thing about Spain. Allowing a territory to leave would involve changing the constitution. Meaning the current government would need to propose the measure in congress, get 70% approval, then resign, have an ellection process, and have the new government corroborate the change with 70% approval rating.

Now, every actually representative referendum in catalonia has shown less than 50% of catalonians want to secede to begin with when shit actually gets serious. So... You think anyone's even gonna try to pull the pin on that grenade? No they fucking ain't. Catalonia sure as shit ain't going.
Minor powerlever fellow Spaniard, my aunt and uncle lived in Girona, the region with the highest support of independence in Catalonia, my aunt told me that this is just corruption, pure Spaniard tradition at its finest involving the Pujol family and muh Russian mafia.
Moving on. Can I talk about some Madrid's traditions? I hope it doesn't bother you.
One of the biggest parties in Madrid is San Isidro on May 15th. We party a lot on carnivals and we eat barquillos and rosquillas. Here is the recipe of the latter, there are three kinds.
Also, we are proud of our drinking water, so fresh from the tap that we cum when we drink a sip.
Enough Madrid's sperging, here is a video of an Iberian lynx hunting a rabbit. It was near extinction but now its population grew that it is considered an endangered species, is not so much but we are in the right path, I think.
 
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EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
kiwifarms.net
Minor powerlever fellow Spaniard, my aunt and uncle lived in Girona, the region with the highest support of independence in Catalonia, my aunt told me that this is just corruption, pure Spaniard tradition at its finest involving the Pujol family and muh Russian mafia.
Moving on. Can I talk about some Madrid's traditions? I hope it doesn't bother you.
One of the biggest parties in Madrid is San Isidro on May 15th. We party a lot on carnivals and we eat barquillos and rosquillas. Here is the recipe of the latter, there are three kinds.
Also, we are proud of our drinking water, so fresh from the tap that we cum when we drink a sip.
Enough Madrid's sperging, here is a video of an Iberian lynx hunting a rabbit. It was near extinction but now its population grew that it is considered an endangered species, is not so much but we are in the right path, I think.
Of course it doesn't bother me, extra intel from other kiwis is exactly what I was hoping for.

The lynx will be safe enough if we keep on this path, and thankfully at least down south people care about the environment.

Well anyone except the PP cares anyway. No seriously the Andalusian PP just tried to revive Aznar's law labeling ecologically important areas as "Suelos de Oportunidad" and selling them for building shit. Thankfully even Vox got pissed off about that one so it's unlikely to actually manage to pass the vote, but jesus christ on a bicicle that's fucked up.

Either way, I'm hoping we manage to take it a step forward and bring back the Ibex too. And for those that don't get the reference... I'll explain Spain's Frankenstein moment on a future post ;)
 

EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
kiwifarms.net
Hello everyone and excuse my little hiatus there. I will compensate with a bit of a guided route through a very interesting set of villages soon enough, but for now. Let me get back on schedule by ignoring the prior schedule, leaving Ceriñola behind for now, and talking about what really matters to most of you. Some good old Spanish Cuisine! Today we're talking about Chorizo!

Chorizo, The Spiciest Sausage:

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Nowadays if you ever ask a filthy blasted horrid north american or british normie (note the seething vile) where sausages come from, they will immediately say "Germany", and they would be fucking wrong and bad and should be ashamed of themselves. Ejem. Truth is, no one really knows where the fuck our beloved stuffed guts come from. If there's one thing everyone agrees is it's somewhere in the mediterranean, with the greeks and phoenicians being the largest propagators of such culinary arts, but really there is no clear answer. Either way, sausages were one of the most important tools in the expansion of mediterranean civilization in its early stage. And no, I'm not kidding here.
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You may question why phalic foodstuffs would be so important to the early game, but that is because you are looking at it from a post-refrigerator meta, where weiners have become more of a meme food than anything. You see, early on our little tech tree, one of the most important factors for resource node control was, well, actually being able to feed that resource node. This is why coastal towns became so dominant, as fishing and seatrade helped greatly. Sausages however allowed for a new tactic which allowed for civilizations to reach inner land tribes, meat preservation. With this new tech the empires that had previously gotten stuck along the bodies of water could finally trade and interact with forest and mountain civs, greatly expanding commerce. Furthermore, this allowed merchants to sell meat at much larger distances and in much larger quantities, as it didn't rot as quickly. This is why the greeks and specially phoenicians came to fucking love the culinary dick jokes. For their traveling-merchant-based playstyles they were bloody gamechanging!

And this is also why as soon as the Phoenicians introduced them into the Iberian peninsula Spain declared its unconditional love for the bloody things. And we never stopped loving them. As neither has most of god damned europe, as indeed sausages are one of the most common biproducts of butchers and most regions have their own specialties. They are great! And not just because they look like cocks.

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But of course you might be a bit concerned about how would sausages help with preserving meat. After all, they don't seem to last that much longer than regular meat nowadays. With the ever-popular frankfurt so abused in british and USA territories being more of a marketting gimmick to sell literal waste as food to unsuspecting customers. Well that's because as salt stopped being used to preserve meat sausages stopped being that much of a tool of preservation and became more of a traditional foodstuff. Originally however, they were the easiest way to cure meat, and indeed sausages are the first form of meat curation in recorded history. And while many areas now just do regular sausages with no curation Spain never forgot that fact, indeed while we also have a lot of "regular" sausages, in spain the most common form of sausages are cured sausages, or as they are called here, "Embutidos" (which literally translates as "stuffed") and embutidos are indeed one of the most well known and beloved parts of Spanish cuisine. So it was just a matter of time before I had to mention them!

Embutidos all have a few things in common, with one exception. In another post to be done whenever I get around to it I'll talk about Jamón Serrano. Jamón Serrano is cured ham, and as such follows none of the rules of other spanish embutidos as indeed it's not an embutido at all but got lumped into the category mostly because it's used the same way as other embutidos, has similar taste and really there's no other category widely used in spain where we can put it so who gives a shit about technicalities. But point is, every other embutido follows the same pattern:
-They're a sausage.
-They're cured.
-They're spicy.

This last point of course is precisely because of the spices used for curing and to make sure the cured meat doesn't taste like... Well, beef jerky, whod've fucking thunk huh. Salt is technically enough to cure meat. But who the fuck uses only salt to cure meat? Savages that's whom. Savages with no sense of taste, apreciation for good food or love of spices... Or in other words. The British and North Americans. (Note the seething vile again.) And boy do we have a LOT of Spices in Spain. We sure love that shit and thankfully we taught such appreciation for flavor to our south american brothers before the british could get to them. Imagine a world were south americans got their cuisine from the anglicans? Sends shivers down my fucking spine. Such a wealth of flavour wasted pushing bland shit. No seriously I've visited britain multiple times in the past and it's a pretty good place, quite relaxed outside of the big cities, shit weather but no one is perfect. But god damnit. The lack of flavor in the food. It hurt my soul. You brits may be great at surviving. But you don't know how to live!

Session of shitting on bongland over, time to get back on track. As much as Spainish food includes a ton of random herbs, you might be surprised to learn where we get the most important spices from. Peppers! Despite the late inclussion of these veggies originaries of america, peppers quickly and surely became the undisputed kings of Spanish foodstuffs about as soon as columbus made a landing and boy is there a good reason for that. Shit's fine AF. And aside from peppers in general being just a great fucking condiment that everyone should add to everything ever, when dried and crushed they make some of the nicest, most tasty spices around. It's just wonderful. This group of spices is called "Pimentón" in Spain, (with different denominations and methods of classifications being distinguished, most commonly "pimentón picante" vs "pimentón dulce" to separate the spicy stuff from the mild), South Americans refer to it as Pimentón in some countries and Paprika in others, with the USA using Paprika too, as well as poland (for some reason), and then the central europeans and British prove my point about their lack of fucking spices by just using the term "pepper", which they also use for pimienta, and pimientos, and like 30 other different spices with no care for denominations. I swear to god this shit hurts my soul. So little taste. So fucking bland. Every time I come near england I turn into Gordon Ramsay.

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And so, Chorizo is for all intents and purposes just a sausage with salt and paprika. And this simple concoction as such might be the best metaphor for hispanic brotherhood, the perfect union of Mediterranean technique with Iberoamerican ingredients to create a dish as iconic as it is tasty. It's perfect and I love it and if you have any appreciation for good cuisine you will too damnit. Chorizo's origin is messy and disputed, but one thing's for sure, it started somewhere in the caribean when someone decided to add a good amount of taste to their sausages before curing. Yeah that's really about it, no fancy backstory or legend nor any famous inventor behind it, just a buncha bored colonists said "you know what? I'mma see if I can add spice to this shit" and they could. That's how the best cuisine comes about anyway. Look at celebratory dishes linked to legends. Fucking STUFFED TURKEYS is what you get out of following that shit. No thanks, traditions are best enjoyed by throwing tomatoes at each other, not cooking bland shit! People always claiming our traditions make no sense. Well at least they're enjoyable!

And so, let me please illustrate how to make the best Chorizo you've ever fucking tasted in your live within the confines of your own home. And please, don't forget to cook it properly and enjoy eating it. You know what? I don't have enough space here, so I'll do a "how to cook meat like you're supposed to" post later, for those uncultured swines that don't yet know how to do it. Like the British. No I'm still not over that god damnit you can keep Gibraltar for as long as you want but at least get them to teach you some real fucking cooking! Just as a spoiler, if you're cooking meat, and you're either boiling it (broth doesn't count as meat!) or using a microwave, fucking do the world a favor and kill yourself.

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The first thing you need to make good Chorizo is pork meat. What pork meat? I don't fucking care. Only important part here is it's pork (Yes I've seen people make chorizo out of other animals, and they were lunatics so don't copy those god damned savages. What are you, a fucking muslim?! Then use fucking pork damnit! And if you are, well then get a proper religion already and stop fucking goats! Although wild boar chorizo is also acceptable, as indeed a wild boar is just an angry pig. But fuck beef, horse, deer and all that other bullshit, use pig!) Here you gotta take into account that generally, if say you use just pure loin for the meat, which is a very fat-less cut, you'd need a ratio of 2 grams of pure pork fat for every 8 grams of pure loin. If you add very little fat you can still do Lomo Embuchado, which is another kind of Embutido, but then you have to cure it differently and aren't making chorizo. And if you add too little meat you'll just make a spicy tocino sausage, which hey if you wanna make spicy tocino sausages that's ok too but it's not fucking chorizo, and also lasts far less than regular chorizo. Do take into account that the meat will shrink as it is cured, that's why we add so much of it by comparison it ain't got nothing to do with caloric intake. So if you're gonna experiment, do take into account you'll need way more meat than you'll eventually see in the sausage. Either way this ratio can be broken by using fattier cuts like Lagarto or Secreto, and many regions of both Spain and Iberoamerica use specific cuts like carne magra or shit like that, but that shit's more expensive so that depends on how much of a snob you wanna be about your chorizo, and taking into account how much spice we're gonna add you won't notice it on your first times, so leave the better cuts for when you've already gotten accustomed to chorizo and can taste the difference under all that flavor. Your taste will be what determines what the best chorizo is for you, so once you got the gist you can experiment freely until you have the perfect mix, this ain't an exact science here we're doing art, meat art, with pork. Like a white man!

Next up, guts. Yeah we're making a sausage so get some nice guts to fill up. This time it doesn't matter what animal they come from, different guts will give you different widths and slightly different tastes so it's still preferrable you go for pigs and traditional recipes tend to be quite strict about it, but everything goes here really, this time it's more up to what you want to do than wether or not it's technically still chorizo, it will be. Guts are mostly just for casing no need to get pesky with that shit.

Then, we get to the spice! And here is where shit gets odd. Some things are universal when it comes to chorizo. That is of course salt, which is needed for curing, (a spoonfull per 800 grams), paprika (I'm using the english name for your benefit, believe me it hurts to do so, but I know some get weird about accents.) a bit of garlic (generally 2 teeth for every 800 grams), and that's about it. But even at this point I've added the first point of contention, paprika. Every area likes it different. For instance in León, a northern province of spain where they're pansy bastards with no balls, they like to add a bit of mild paprika to an otherwise white sausage, here down south much like our american brothers we go heavy with the spicy stuff. No sense in making chorizo if it doesn't leave your mouth burning damnit! Overall, add to taste, but if it ain't red by the end of it, well the northerners will still call it chorizo. But they'll be wrong! Also if you dare make the chorizo red by adding food coloring instead of paprika I'm going to find you, and I'm going to kill you. You've been warned.

Other than that nearly everywhere adds a glass of white wine to the real thing, but wineless versions are also made for kids. Personally, I must say, wine makes it considerably better and it's not enough alcohol to matter even for kids so I recommend you ignore that Karen shite and go with the real deal. And aside from that, you can add species at your own taste. Again, northern castillian provinces seem to just hate the idea of fun so they like it basic, much like their personalities. But here down south and in best america it is quite common to add comino, pimienta, orégano and/or whatever each region has as its most commonly used spice(s), so go wild with that shit you can't go wrong, it's all tasty as fuck anyway and as I hope I've made apparent, the best chorizo for you will only be the best for you, this is a personal endeavor, so don't let others dictate your taste, even if we'll judge you greatly for it. Even shit that seems not to fit winds up tasting great sometimes, my family likes using a combination of dry garlic, laurel and pimienta as seasoning for rices and I added it to chorizo once, I must say, it still worked fine. Hell there's even onion chorizo out there, and it is damned good if I do say so myself. So add shit freely, worst thing you can be here is bland.

Either way, recipe over, time for the elaboration.

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First up, you gotta make the blend for the chorizo. This is a long and arduous process with very detailed description of complex steps requiring milimetric precission... I can't keep a straight face. Get ready for this shit. Step 1, mince the fucking meat. Step 2, mix everything up and season to taste. Step 3, leave for a day to rest. Step 4, stuff the sausage. Step 5, time to cure the fuck out of it! Yeah, as you can see, this ain't no chemistry. Every recipe comes with cuantities for their preferred chorizo, but don't think they are a hard metric, just make a nice spicy blend of red porky goodness and stuff those guts until they're bursting with flavor. When meat cures it looses size so don't be scared to fill it properly. Length also doesn't matter, some like them smal, specially the ones that make them really spicy (even by southern metrics of spicy) while others like to make "horseshoe" chorizo by literally turning a whole gut into a single gargantuan meatsausage. As Babish said, it's not the amount of meat, it's how you treat it.

Curing meat however really is a long, weird and hard prospect, I will leave the USDA regulations down there because I couldn't possibly explain it all, but generally, curing is just a kind of drying. It requires a cold dry place to hang the meat. If its wet forget about it, same thing if it's warm. Cold+dry+hanging. If you can get fancy in an isolated place like a cabin you can add smoke for some degree of microbial protection, but if you're on the city you'll have to make-do with not having insects around to begin with. Really, good hygiene goes a long way as with everything related to food. Then just leave it to dry. How long? Well that depends on ambiental conditions, even more, it depends on what kind of chorizo you're even making. For tender chorizo, the kind best used for grilling, you need it to still be juicy, so a few days is enough, for dry chorizo, you need to dry until it's lost at least 35% of its weight. At which point it will be safe to consume without cooking, although it can be cooked anyway.

During this period mold will probably grow. If it is any color other than white you fucked it up or the climate was shit, to the bin with it. If it's white it can be furry or dusty. If it's furry, it's also bad, if it's not too expanded you can try to cut it before it penetrates the skin, if it's taken too large an area bin it. If the mold is white and dusty then good job, that's penicilin, it's exactly what we were hoping and it will protect the skin from microbes, you did it, you made chorizo.

If there's no mold at all it can still be good but it will depend on the microbes, so if when cooking it smells weird, or you notice a weird taste, to the bin, but if not it's fine. But this is extremely weird anyway. And so, you just created one of the best ingredients known to man, you can eat it, you can cook it, you can add it to broth, sandwiches, fucking salad I don't care. You finally got your god damned phalic spicy meatstuff, it's great either way. So enjoy!

External links with added info:
USDA regulations on meat curation
The Wikipedia of Embutido
One Recipe
Another Recipe
 
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EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
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I decided to change the OP and title to allow for related territories other than spain itself to get in. Honestly, I don't even know why I restricted it to spain to begin with and the thread seems dead without me anyway so roll the fun!

For the record in case of doubt as to what counts as hispanic. According to spanish inmigration law that's the iberian peninsula, ecuatorial guinea, the philipines, Iberoamerica (From texas/florida to argentina) and the sefradi jews. And Morocco is conspicuously absent from the list because they're assholes and keep having military dick wavings with us. (Moroccans are OK, except for all the drug lords and terrorists. But Morocco is a blasted shithole.) So I'm sticking to that, but if you got any country that can count by virtue of having been a colony or territory at some point and wanna add it, then I'm ok with it. Really I won't bitch much about added fun, no matter where it comes from.
 

Shadfan666xxx000

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So which Latin American country is most favored by Spain? I know they're all your babies but every parent picks favorites and I'm sure a port city would have a strong opinion.
 

EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
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So which Latin American country is most favored by Spain? I know they're all your babies but every parent picks favorites and I'm sure a port city would have a strong opinion.
Well believe it or not we really don't have a favourite. But that's mostly because if there's one constant in Spain it's we can't agree on anything. Every region/political trend got its favourite instead. And with provinces doing their own trade deals at that level, favoritism has been blatant, but it's far from uniform.

Cadiz got a lot of brotherhood with the caribbean, we were twin ports back in the day and share a lot of culture. Republicans got a debt with Mexico, who alongside Canada stood by them before even the europeans realized what was going down. Extreme right wingers fucking worship Argentina... I don't think I need to explain why. Catalonians are always going on about bolivia, ya know 'cause independence. Catalonians are really fucking mono-thematic like that. Murcia is just really into catholithism and traditions but Mexico pissed them off during the civil war so they mostly just flipflop between love and hate for them based on what topic they're talking about. Dominican Republic is favoured by Navarra and Euskadiz (the 2 basque communities), I don't know exactly why I'm not too up to date on basque history. (Though it might just be default. Really there's no one that dislikes the dominicans. Most small countries got no dislike by most... well except vox.) And of course the one thing we all agree on is fuck the current Venezuelan government. Fuck even most commies think it's time someone kicks them out of office and puts some real democracy in place. So hey, at least we agree on something!

Also Vox (the extreme far right party, born in Euskadi although now rejected by its birthplace) seems to be under the impression than Iberoamerica is just 2 countries, Argentina and "Venezuela and things like it", and as such hate everything except Argentina. But don't worry we all know Vox is fucking insane after they started going to congress with photoshopped pics screeching about conspiracy theories, which is why they're getting rejected now. Euskadiz had early elections because electoral law is another thing we can't get our autonomous communities to agree on. So that's why we got early results from them. But galicia also did that and the same thing happened. They're on the way out like the little hitlers they are. Can you believe back on the early days they seemed like the sane alternative to the PP. Oh how the tides turned...
 
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TaimuRadiu

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I decided to change the OP and title to allow for related territories other than spain itself to get in. Honestly, I don't even know why I restricted it to spain to begin with and the thread seems dead without me anyway so roll the fun!

For the record in case of doubt as to what counts as hispanic. According to spanish inmigration law that's the iberian peninsula, ecuatorial guinea, the philipines, Iberoamerica (From texas/florida to argentina) and the sefradi jews. And Morocco is conspicuously absent from the list because they're assholes and keep having military dick wavings with us. (Moroccans are OK, except for all the drug lords and terrorists. But Morocco is a blasted shithole.) So I'm sticking to that, but if you got any country that can count by virtue of having been a colony or territory at some point and wanna add it, then I'm ok with it. Really I won't bitch much about added fun, no matter where it comes from.
Is there anything interesting about Equatorial Guinea? It seems you hardly ever hear about it on the world stage. I guess they had one of those shitty african dictators? The only "interesting" thing I know about it is that when Chinese engineers went thru Africa on a Belt and Road initiative type tour they repaired the national shortwave station.
 
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EmuWarsVeteran

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Is there anything interesting about Equatorial Guinea? It seems you hardly ever hear about it on the world stage. I guess they had one of those shitty african dictators? The only "interesting" thing I know about it is that when Chinese engineers went thru Africa on a Belt and Road initiative type tour they repaired the national shortwave station.
They're basically Afrifan Switzerland. No really. The colonial wars saw some internal infighting but since spain reaffirmed control they just fought the political war with no actual war, and either used Spain's neutrality in conflicts to be neutral too or (as with the spanish civil war) used their distance as excuse to stay neutral from conflicts spain got itself in. This got them their own native "king" earlier than most colonies and in exchange for being "technically spanish" they remained near fully independent. So they mostly just did their thing even under "technically spanish" rule and once they got their full independence thanks to the UN they just proceeded to "technically" join the african union but remain neutral in every fucking thing said union debates, conflict they join, or just everything. The most they did was send volunteers to franco they seriously never gave a shit. And I love them for it. I mean, thanks to that they've managed to remain far more prosperous and peaceful than everyone around them and survive the most fucked up conflicts in human history despite their small size. They basically won by mastering the art of not giving a shit. Even the belt and road. They accepted some help but never more than they could chew and have as such managed to both use china (and not make it look like they directly oppose them) while not actually allying china or ever giving them a real foothold. They seriously just managed to embody the "I have no strong views one way or the other" meme. And it's great.
 
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Gunt.Inc

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Only heard of the city of Cádiz because of the soccer player El mágico gonzáles so I wanted to know is soccer big in the Cádiz province or is there another sport that dominates?
 

EmuWarsVeteran

Cream Pangolin
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Only heard of the city of Cádiz because of the soccer player El mágico gonzáles so I wanted to know is soccer big in the Cádiz province or is there another sport that dominates?
Soccer is the most famous sport by far. Which is hilarious because the Cadiz FC is notorious for being one of the worst teams in every spanish league. But I guess that's Cadiz for you. We are still here just to suffer. Not that I suffer when football fans suffer because they are insufferable assholes so if anything I'd rather they kept loosing every match they play. God knows football victory celebrations suck.
 
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Niggaplease

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True & Honest Fan
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can anyone explain the reason why Mexican men equate brief eye contact with I'm down to fuck?
 

Gunt.Inc

Munch Munch
kiwifarms.net
Soccer is the most famous sport by far. Which is hilarious because the Cadiz FC is notorious for being one of the worst teams in every spanish league. But I guess that's Cadiz for you. We are still here just to suffer. Not that I suffer when football fans suffer because they are insufferable assholes so if anything I'd rather they kept loosing every match they play. God knows football victory celebrations suck.
Yea last I heard about them they where in the lowest divisions of the La Liga. Moving on from that what is the influence of Arabic culture in the province Cádiz considering it so close to morocco I assume it must have been one of the primary places Islamic culture seeped into the Iberian peninsula.
 
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