Historical Lolcows -


Child of the 80s (or early 90s at least)
Robert Ivan Nichols, AKA Joseph Newton Chandler III. Seemingly normal middle-aged man who one day in 1965 decides to abandon his family for reasons that were never made clear. 10 years later he steals the identity of a young boy who died in a car accident 30 years earlier. For the remainder of his life his activities including listening to white noise, driving halfway across the country to an LL Bean store only to turn around and go back home because there were no free parking spots, and being admitted to the emergency room after lacerating his penis while attempting to masturbate with a vacuum cleaner. In 2002 he finally committed suicide by gunshot and it took 16 years of DNA testing to find out who he really was.


Mork > Gork
Christian von Braunschweig-Wolfenbüttel. A young duke who wanted to be a mercenary leader during the thirty years war, just like the grown-ups, that resulted with him getting his teeth kicked in everywhere.

His first expedition in Westphalia fighting for the Protestant side were small successes, but the attempt to expand his influence in Rhenish Palatinate got foiled by a Bavarian army in 1621, and a second time at the battle of Höchst in 1622 where he lost all of his artillery.

Later he accomplished to lift the Spanish siege of Bergen-op-Zoom with the help of the Dutch, but lost a hand in the endeavour. After that he returned to the Holy Roman Empire with a plan to conquer regions in the Lower Saxon Circle, but his army was almost completely wiped out at the Battle of Stadtlohn in 1623.

Following that pathetic defeat, he turned to the Netherlands, again, howerever failed to lift the Spanish siege of Breda in 1625 whereupon he fled back to Germany and died of a sickness 1 year later.

He accomplished next to nothing, was a huge disappointment to his backers, and got the nickname "der Tolle" which was German for "the crazed" at that time.

Registered Human

Technically a person
Didn't see any mention of William Elphinstone, so I'll bring him up.


He was a major general in the British army when positions like that were awarded more to people with status than people with skill. He was in command of the British troops in occupied Kabul, Afghanistan and managed to fuck everything up as hard as he possibly could, killing roughly 16,500 people. To sum it up, he:

-Stopped bribing the local tribes around Kabul to not fuck up the British military encampments (although I've heard differing stories as to whether this was done before or after he was in charge)
-Didn't do shit to arrest the Afghans who stormed a British officer's house and killed him, basically signaling to the Afghans that they could revolt without any repercussions
-Didn't do shit AGAIN when the guy sent to negotiate with the Afghans got tortured, killed and had his corpse dragged through the streets, making his soldiers really pissed off at him
-Had to retreat 90 miles to another British-occupied city, but first agreed to hand over all of his gunpowder and shit to the Afghans that already killed two British officials because they said "no dude, we totally won't kill you if you just give us all your weapons lol"
-Decided it was a good idea to leave the sick and the wounded with the friendly Afghans, who promptly massacred them and then started shooting at the retreating soldiers
-Was somehow surprised when the guide and food the Afghan leader who shot at him on the way out didn't show up as promised
-Got tricked again by the same Afghan leader who came out to where they were and said "oops, couldn't get the escort here lol, just wait for three days while I make sure that it's totally safe in these mountains"
-Was surprised again when the Afghans had spent the days setting up a massive ambush complete with a giant wall made of thorns and shit
-While civilians were being massacred all around him, fell for the same trick a fucking third time and went to negotiate with the Afghan leader
-Surprised yet again when he got captured and eventually murdered
-Out of 14,000 civilians and 4,500 soldiers, one British officer and a couple of Indian soldiers made it to the city

Basically he singlehandedly orchestrated one of the biggest military disasters in British history. His soldiers were actually really good and there's a lot of stories about cool shit they did, but they all got fucked because Elphinstone was a retard who kept falling for the same trick from the same guy.

Also he had gout.


John Doe #2, Federal Defendant
True & Honest Fan
William Schnoebelen is a good example of a pre-internet lolcow that is still active today as far as I know.

Seriously, his claims are so off-the wall they're hilarious. He was also notoriously close friends with Jack Chick back in the day.

All of Schnoebelen's books are amazing, especially Lucifer Dethroned. He claims to have been simultaneously a Catholic priest, a druid, a Wiccan High Priest, a Satanic High Priest,and a vampire. Pretty busy schedule. Also, HP Lovecraft was telling the truth and he astral projected to a "Temple of Pain" somewhere in the moons of Saturn. If you ever get a chance to pick it up, it's actually a really fun read. A bonus is that it's actually pretty well-written.


Child of the 80s (or early 90s at least)
Has Richard Sharpe Shaver been mentioned yet? He claimed that he could read people's minds using a welding torch, including the minds of a race of aliens that was supposedly living beneath the Earth's surface.
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Probably been mentioned but Emperor Norton stands out to me.


He re-emerged in September 1859, laying claim to the position of Emperor of the United States.[8]

Norton had no formal political power; nevertheless, he was treated deferentially in San Francisco, and currency issued in his name was honored in the establishments that he frequented. Some considered him insane or eccentric,[9] but citizens of San Francisco celebrated his regal presence and his proclamations, such as his order that the United States Congress be dissolved by force and his numerous decrees calling for a bridge connecting San Francisco to Oakland, California, and that a corresponding tunnel be built under San Francisco Bay.

Ow The Edge

Darko of the Dark

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this particular lolcow/horrorcow yet. Francisco Macías Nguema ruled Equatorial Guinea from 1968 until 1979, but he was hardly your garden variety African dictator. Sure, he did the standard stuff like merging all political parties into his own, declaring himself President for Life, winning election with 99% of the vote, etc, but what makes this guy special is that he was so obviously out of his gourd. Of all humanity he perhaps got the closest to making CWCville real. Among his more notable antics:

Declared private education subversive and had it banned. Also banned the word "intellectual" while he was at it.

Killed around 50,000-80,000 of a population of 300,000-400,000, sending around a third of what was left fleeing for their lives. He solved this problem by banning boats. Also fishing.

Established his credentials as a humble public servant by taking the titles "Unique Miracle" and "Grand Master of Education, Science, and Culture". Then showed his piety by changing the national motto to "There is no other God than Macias Nguema."

As a practicing witch doctor (and divinity), he knew there was no need for such filthy imperialist ideas as modern medicine and had it banned as "un-African". Granted, he might have had a point there.

Banned the wasteful use of lubricants in a capitol power plant, assuring the people his magic powers could keep the place running. Often wondered why the city was so dark.

On Christmas Eve, 1975 he had about 150 of his opponents massacred by soldiers dressed as Santa Claus in a stadium while speakers were looping "Those Were the Days", because why the hell not?

In addition to his accomplishments as a politician, magician, pharmacist, and musician, he was also a highly able accountant. As proven when he killed the governor of the state bank and hid all the money in his jungle house.

Killed quite a few members his own family in 1979. Unfortunately his ungrateful bastard of a nephew wasn't happy with having been left alive when so many others (like his brother) weren't. He organized a coup against his uncle. Nguema's forces soon deserted him and he was captured. The subsequent trial didn't last long.

Despite being sentenced to death "101 times", his people were so scared of his magic powers that the new leadership had to use Moroccan mercenaries as his firing squad. Fortunately his ooga booga proved ineffective this time.

"Ordinary bullets! My one weakness!"
-Last words (probably)
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Claude Rabbit

Here we have the Victorian cos-player/troon/lolcow Henry Cyril Paget the 5th Marquess of Anglesey, who managed to piss away a multi million pound (in actual currency, not adjusted for inflation) fortune on costumes, jewels and converting the castle chapel into a theatre.


Managed to die almost broke and likely a virgin without having had much fun with either sex due to his narcissistic personality. He preferred the attention of a crowd even though he wasn't aware it was only laughing at him.
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Syaoran Li

Sadistic Capitalist and Unabashed Degenerate
True & Honest Fan
Herbert W. Armstrong (1892-1986), founder of the Worldwide Church of God, would definitely qualify as a lolcow in my book, being one of the more fringe religious leaders to gain prominence in the 1960's.

He was so batshit insane that after he died, his own church retroactively excommunicated him as a heretic and renounced nearly all of his theology and doctrines and went in a direction more in line with typical mainline Evangelical Protestant views.

His son Garner Ted Armstrong (1930-2003) was a little more sane and grounded than his father, and he continued the weird theology of his father, forming a break-away church from the Worldwide Church of God in the 1970's, although Garner Ted toned down some of the more overtly insane aspects of Herbert W. Armstrong's theology, most notably an altered stance on British Israelism (the belief that the people of the British Isles were direct descendants of the ancient Lost Tribes of Israel, essentially "We Wuz Kangz" for white people)

Herbert literally and unironically believed in old Victorian-era British Israelism and preached it as part of core church doctrine, while Garner Ted took a more pragmatic approach and said that the people of the British Isles (and by extension, the United States and Canada) were only connected from the Twelve Tribes of Israel in a spiritual sense rather than being literal biological descendants.

Garner Ted Armstrong, while less unhinged than his father, was also a notorious adulterer and borderline sex pest (that's what led to his fallout with Herbert W.) and actually ended up being caught on camera sexually harassing and propositioning a nurse while he was receiving massage therapy from her (turns out that therapeutic massages don't come with happy endings) and Geraldo Rivera most famously made the footage public in 1998.

In fact, the whole communities involved with British Israelism are full of lolcows. There's the white nationalist loons involved in Christian Identity (and the most common adherents to British Israelism) who are basically the reverse of Black Hebrew Israelites/We Wuz Kangz.

Then you've got the Armstrong churches which are generally not explicitly racist (unlike Christian Identity).

Unlike Christian Identity, the Armstrongists generally accept modern Jews as actual Israelites and they usually allow non-whites in their congregations, but are still ignorant of history (again, Garner Ted was slightly better about this by claiming spiritual ties to ancient Israel rather than blood ties). The Armstrong churches explicitly condemn the celebrations of Halloween, Christmas, and even Easter due to their pagan roots and instead observe the Jewish High Holy Days as outlined in the Old Testament (often with a dual Christian message to justify it)

British-Israelism aside, the Arrmstrongs have a lot of their own issues as well, particularly the cult-like abusive behavior of Herbert W. Armstrong when he was in charge of the church, and while Garner Ted did try to distance himself from the cult-like behavior, a cult of personality did form around him in his church in an unintentional manner.

Notably, Garner Ted's son Mark Armstrong was so put off by the cult of personality practiced by the congregation (as well as his grandfather's deliberate cult behavior) that he deliberately avoided becoming a new minister in the church or a religious leader, although he still believes in the Armstrong theology and is involved in the financial and media affairs of his church.

Both my paternal grandmother and great-grandmother were devout Armstrongists until they died and my father was raised in the church traditions of them. I actually got to meet Mark Armstrong in South Carolina once. He's sort of right-wing (in the Bush-era Republican sense of the word), but overall a decent guy despite his unusual beliefs.

While Herbert W. Armstrong definitely qualifies as a lolcow and Garner Ted Armstrong probably does as well, I would not consider Mark Armstrong to be a lolcow.

I'm thinking of making a thread for British Israelism (and by extension, Christian Identity and the Armstrong churches) as a Community Watch thread. We already have a thread for the Black Hebrew Israelites.


Hehe xd
True & Honest Fan
The Jiajing Emperor


-Becomes emperor of an empire of 63 million people
-Decides to go on "strike" and not do most of his duties because people don't respect him enough
-Says screw it and secludes himself in the forbidden city and does no work
-Nobody is allowed to talk to him except for a few ministers.
-Mongols reach Beijing - He bribes them
-Pirates take control of all the seas - He Bribes them
-Government falls apart and rampant corrupt takes hold - He bribes the court
-Decides he wants to live forever
-Alchemist tells him that red lead is the key to immortality
-Forces his concubines to feed him their menstrual blood mixed with lead.
-Concubines try to kill him
- They fail and his wife has them all killed.
-She kills his favorite concubine
-He has his wife burned to death
-Forces 400 young girls to produce menstrual blood for him
-Has them killed and replaced when they get too old.
-Lives a long life

Iceland Heavy


Pavel Grachev, the Russian Defense Minister during the First Chechen War
-Commands a VDV regiment in Afghanistan, doing well enough to be awarded Hero of the Soviet Union and a promotion to Major General
-Involved in the planning of the 1991 coup attempt, ordered to seize Yeltsin and the Parliament but quickly defects
-Becomes the Minister of Defense in the final days of the Soviet Union
-After professing his neutrality, orders his troops to fire on the rebel-occupied Parliament during the 1993 crisis, further ingratiating himself with Yeltsin
-Accused of corruption during the withdrawal of Russian troops from East Germany, embezzling money from funds meant to house the relocated troops to buy himself luxury cars
-Investigation ends after the journalist making most of the accusations mysteriously dies from an exploding briefcase
-Half-hearted attempts at military reform fail utterly with the post-Soviet economy crashing, leading to the Russian Army of the 90s becoming a thoroughly corrupt shadow of its former Soviet self
-Advocates reintegration of Chechnya by force, boasting to Yeltsin that a single airborne regiment could topple the Chechen government in hours
-Russians proceed to flatten Grozny and march into the city with poorly supported armored columns, taking two months to slog their way through the city taking horrific casualties
-States ' These eighteen-year-old youths died for Russia, and they died with a smile' when things had gotten so bad in Grozny that at one point the mothers of captured Russian conscripts had to personally negotiate for their release
-Russians withdraw from Chechnya two years later completely humiliated
-Finally forced from his position and quietly shuffles into obscurity working in the state-owned arms export agency before dying of a stroke in 2012

Yeltsin himself could probably qualify too given his frequent public drunkenness and the absolute state of Russia under his administration.
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Yaoi Huntress Earth

My avatar is problematic.
I’m not old enough to remember Quayle, did he do anything other than correct that one kid wrongly?
When the show Murphy Brown was on, the actress for the title character got pregnant so they decided to work it into the show. Since Murphy is single, they made the pregnancy a result of a one-night stand and since she didn't care much for the babydaddy she decides to raise the baby on her own (since this would be in character for her to do). Quayle raised a stink about this and it backfired on him since this ended up giving the show a huge ratings boost.


True & Honest Fan
The amount of Civil War generals who could fill this list is staggering, but here are a few of the more promising ones:

John Pope: Bloodthirsty asshole who was supposed to replace McClellan, and wound up being worse, because at least the troops respected the former, while Pope made a point of bitching out the troops for not making him successful when it was his job to lead them to success. Such a prick he was that Robert E. Lee called him a piece of shit for his brutality and had a perfectly valid point at the time.

Joseph Hooker: He's where we get the word "hooker" from, and while he gets points for raising the morale of his troops, the fact "hooker" is slang for prostitute should give a big clue why that's not necessarily a good thing. Tended to shit talk his superiors all the damn time and fucked up Chancellorsville hard by being an overconfident SOB.

George McClellan: While later records would reveal his overcautious nature was partially due to getting shitty intelligence reports (that often overinflated the threats he had to face), even when he had clear advantages the man was a master of dragging ass, and the one time Lee fucked up and George got his hands on Lee's operational orders, he still managed to fuck up a chance to give Lee a potentially fatal asskicking because his penchant for dragging ass reared it's ugly head once again. Later tried to run against Lincoln, partially due to the fact Lincoln sacked his sorry ass for dragging it constantly.

Stonewall Jackson: Despite the positive reputation he enjoys in the eyes of some Southerners, he was regarded as an asshat teacher at the Virginia military academy, to the point he was known as "Tom Fool" for being an incredibly unhelpful douche to his own students, though at least his artillery classes were well regarded. The Stonewall name he earned is likely not originally supposed to be a compliment according to some sources, he was apparently regarded as an ass dragger when he got it (as in, he moved like a stone wall). He was also suspected to be an aspie and tended to hold one of his arms up in a weird form of salute often, convinced one arm was longer than the other and believed this helped circulation.
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Francis E. Dec Esc.

True & Honest Fan
There's also Daniel Sickles, a terrible general who nearly cost the Union the Battle of Gettysburg when he violated orders and moved his troops a mile ahead of where they should have been. Most of his solders were wiped out and he himself lost a leg. He donated the bones to what later became the National Museum of Health and Medicine, and visited them regularly.


Before the war, he was also the first person to plead not guilty to murder by reason of temporary insanity after he shot and killed his wife's lover. He was acquitted.