Historical Lolcows -

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Luka Magnotta. Before making the leap to horrorcow, he was always completely fucked up in the head. He was narcissistic as fuck, and routinely engaged in fame-seeking antics. An example of this would be how he would make up rumors about himself anonymously only so he could deny them as himself, like a celebrity might. One such rumor was that he was dating Karla Homolka, a high-profile murderer in Canada.
 

GethN7

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Luka Magnotta. Before making the leap to horrorcow, he was always completely fucked up in the head. He was narcissistic as fuck, and routinely engaged in fame-seeking antics. An example of this would be how he would make up rumors about himself anonymously only so he could deny them as himself, like a celebrity might. One such rumor was that he was dating Karla Homolka, a high-profile murderer in Canada.
His ED article is pretty hilarious in how you can practically hear the authors facepalming over how pathetic and creepy his attention whoring stunts were, even the jump to horrorcow was a desperate attempt to get the world to give a shit about him.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
His ED article is pretty hilarious in how you can practically hear the authors facepalming over how pathetic and creepy his attention whoring stunts were, even the jump to horrorcow was a desperate attempt to get the world to give a shit about him.
“Luka Magnotta” wasn’t even his real name. It’s a name he gave himself, presumably because “Eric Clinton Kirk Newman” didn’t sound as interesting.
 

Army Burger

This is the face of sexual harrassment
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
His ED article is pretty hilarious in how you can practically hear the authors facepalming over how pathetic and creepy his attention whoring stunts were, even the jump to horrorcow was a desperate attempt to get the world to give a shit about him.
The greatest part of the whole Magnotta saga was when he mailed the body parts of the guy he dismembered to places in Ottawa and Vancouver.
 

Syaoran Li

Branson's Most Wanted
kiwifarms.net
THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS HATE HIM!!!

This motherfucker right here avenged the mutilated victory of the Great War and restored the Roman Empire using this one simple trick!

Click here to learn his secret!

Seriously though, the Axis Powers in World War II were chock full of historical lolcows.

For every actual genius (Erwin Rommel, Isoroku Yamamoto, Albert Speer) you had a ton more fuckups who were only in power for political convenience (Heinrich Himmler, Heinz Guderian, Herman Goring, Christian Weber, pretty much the entire government of Fascist Italy, etc.) and there were true horrorcows as well such as Josef Mengele and Martin Bormann, the latter of whom would be a fedora-wearing edgelord if he were alive today.

Like Goebbels and Himmler, Bormann also showed contempt for anything remotely Judeo-Christian, but rather than going for State Atheism (like the former wished) or a Nazi revival of Germanic Paganism (like the latter), Martin Bormann was widely rumored to be a theistic Satanist, although he outwardly claimed to be an atheist.

Shiro Ishii and Unit 731 were a weird mix of horrorcows and actual geniuses as their work produced actual medical and scientific breakthroughs despite the cruelty of it all, unlike Mengele's work, which was just exercises in sadism and torture.
 

Ginger Piglet

Fictional Manhunt Survivor
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
King Leopold of Belgium.



In the late 19th century, Belgium was a constitutional monarchy like Britain or Sweden or Holland. Sure, Leopold had some ceremonial powers and duties but no real powers. That belonged to the National Assembly. And Leopold didn't like that. He also didn't like that Belgium had no overseas colonies like the British or French or Portuguese. Needless to say, he identified a solution to both these problems.

He bought the Congo.

As in, he legally obtained a title to a huge swathe of central Africa partly from his own finances and partly from a government loan. This private holding became the Congo Free State, which he mapped with the aid of Henry Morton Stanley, and ran as his own private fiefdom. He then recruited a private army, the Force Publique, partly from Belgian volunteer officers and partly from local tribesmen that he press-ganged into service, and forced all the locals to go out and tap rubber vines for him. Rubber, at this stage, was a seriously hot commodity because vulcanisation had just been invented and with the dawn of motorised transport and bicycles there was a huge demand for tyres. And his private fiefdom in the Congo was full of it. However, he didn't want to spend large amounts of time and money developing plantations or infrastructure, so he literally worked the locals to death. You failed to meet your quota, you were murdered. It got to the point at which his Force Publique started to run out of bullets, so he decreed that all bullets must be counted in and counted out on every patrol, and where a bullet was expended, proof was demanded that a "criminal" had been shot with it, specifically, by chopping off their hand.

Of course, he didn't pay his Force Publique sufficient enough to eat, so they would shoot wild animals to eat and then chop the hand off a living native to show that they had actually shot a bad guy with them. Needless to say, even by other late 19th century Scramble for Africa colonial powers, whose attitude towards the natives rarely got above "white man's burden" at best, the Congo Free State was considered objectionable. One person even wrote to Leopold personally asking that he only execute people for crimes they actually committed.

By 1908 the Belgian government had had enough. Leopold's venture was garnering massive flak from other European powers and hadn't even turned a profit, partly because chopping peoples' hands off isn't exactly an effective way of motivating your workforce, and partly because he spent all the income on his own vanity projects back in Belgium. In fact, it was deeper in debt than when he bought the place. Yes, boys and girls, he failed to extract a single centime of profit from a private holding backed up by a private army of one of the most resource rich areas of Earth, and brutalized the natives in the bargain. So they voted to expropriate him and administer it directly as a colony.

Leopold died in 1909. His funeral was booed. His exploits in the Congo were so embarrassing that Belgian civil society to this day doesn't like to remember it.
 

Syaoran Li

Branson's Most Wanted
kiwifarms.net
When you really think about it, Hugo Boss was the Milo Yiannopolous of the Third Reich, a flamboyant right-wing loudmouth who was barely tolerated by his own party and was "fabulous", although Boss was only rumored to be bisexual while Milo is openly homosexual

The only thing that spared Boss from ending up like Ernst Rohm was his influence in the textile industry in Germany and willingness to design and manufacture uniforms for both the Waffen SS and the Wehrmacht.

Although to his credit, Hugo Boss's descendants were able to recoup their losses after World War II and became very wealthy, whereas Milo will likely die penniless and forgotten the way things are looking.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS HATE HIM!!!

This motherfucker right here avenged the mutilated victory of the Great War and restored the Roman Empire using this one simple trick!

Click here to learn his secret!

Seriously though, the Axis Powers in World War II were chock full of historical lolcows.

For every actual genius (Erwin Rommel, Isoroku Yamamoto, Albert Speer) you had a ton more fuckups who were only in power for political convenience (Heinrich Himmler, Heinz Guderian, Herman Goring, Christian Weber, pretty much the entire government of Fascist Italy, etc.) and there were true horrorcows as well such as Josef Mengele and Martin Bormann, the latter of whom would be a fedora-wearing edgelord if he were alive today.

Like Goebbels and Himmler, Bormann also showed contempt for anything remotely Judeo-Christian, but rather than going for State Atheism (like the former wished) or a Nazi revival of Germanic Paganism (like the latter), Martin Bormann was widely rumored to be a theistic Satanist, although he outwardly claimed to be an atheist.

Shiro Ishii and Unit 731 were a weird mix of horrorcows and actual geniuses as their work produced actual medical and scientific breakthroughs despite the cruelty of it all, unlike Mengele's work, which was just exercises in sadism and torture.
The biggest Nazi horrorcow by far was probably Amon Göth. Most people know him as the bad guy from Schindler’s List, and one common criticism of that movie is the inclusion of what they call an over-the-top, unnecessarily evil villain. Thing about that? They toned him down for the movie. In real life, he was worse. Göth was basically a psychotic manchild who ran his camp like a kid burning ants with a magnifying glass. Among other things, he would routinely shoot prisoners for sport, and feed them alive to starving dogs. He was actually too fucked up even for the Nazis; they fired him for mistreatment of prisoners (and embezzlement).
 

omnihitler

kiwifarms.net
The biggest Nazi horrorcow by far was probably Amon Göth. Most people know him as the bad guy from Schindler’s List, and one common criticism of that movie is the inclusion of what they call an over-the-top, unnecessarily evil villain. Thing about that? They toned him down for the movie. In real life, he was worse. Göth was basically a psychotic manchild who ran his camp like a kid burning ants with a magnifying glass. Among other things, he would routinely shoot prisoners for sport, and feed them alive to starving dogs. He was actually too fucked up even for the Nazis; they fired him for mistreatment of prisoners (and embezzlement).
Ever heard of Oskar Dirlewanger? He was a necrophile and child rapist and commander of an SS penal battalion. Like Göth the SS considered him too fucked up to deal with.

I don’t recommend reading the second link if you don’t want to feel severely depressed. It’s an account of the Warsaw uprising by a belgian that got pressganged into the wehrmacht and assigned to dirlewanger’s command and sent to the eastern front.


 

Basil II

National Opthalmologist of Bulgaria
kiwifarms.net
Muhammad, Islam was literally a scheme to get people to take him seriously, inspired by his encounter with a Nestorian priest, and there are a bunch of inconsistencies in Islam like men can have a maximum of 4 wives but the Prophet is allowed to have 11 wives, The Prophet can marry your wife after you die but you're not allowed to marry his (lmao he was afraid of being cucked), you're not allowed to bother the prophet in his house uninvited.

Eventually after he took over Medina he basically became a local bandit leader and would steal from caravans traveling through Arabia, like any lolcow he was delusional as fuck, he sent a letter to various different rulers (Roman Emperor Heraclius, the Roman governor of Egypt and Shahansah Khosrau II) telling them to become Muslim. Islam gained power by basically snowballing their bandit fuckery until they took over the entire Arabian Peninsula, and after Muhammad died they continued said bandit fuckery except this time they raided everywhere between Tours and Samarkand.

His marriage to Aisha makes him into a full blown Horrorcow, you have a middle aged man marrying a 6 year old, and fucking her when she was 9, though he also thigh fucked (yes) her before then.

Islam is the ultimate lolcow religion as well, for reasons that should be obvious for anyone on Kiwifarms, (or really anyone living on Earth).

See also, Joseph Smith and Mormonism.
 

Crichax

On Indefinite KF Hiatus
kiwifarms.net
Muhammad, Islam was literally a scheme to get people to take him seriously, inspired by his encounter with a Nestorian priest, and there are a bunch of inconsistencies in Islam like men can have a maximum of 4 wives but the Prophet is allowed to have 11 wives, The Prophet can marry your wife after you die but you're not allowed to marry his (lmao he was afraid of being cucked), you're not allowed to bother the prophet in his house uninvited.

Eventually after he took over Medina he basically became a local bandit leader and would steal from caravans traveling through Arabia, like any lolcow he was delusional as fuck, he sent a letter to various different rulers (Roman Emperor Heraclius, the Roman governor of Egypt and Shahansah Khosrau II) telling them to become Muslim. Islam gained power by basically snowballing their bandit fuckery until they took over the entire Arabian Peninsula, and after Muhammad died they continued said bandit fuckery except this time they raided everywhere between Tours and Samarkand.

His marriage to Aisha makes him into a full blown Horrorcow, you have a middle aged man marrying a 6 year old, and fucking her when she was 9, though he also thigh fucked (yes) her before then.

Islam is the ultimate lolcow religion as well, for reasons that should be obvious for anyone on Kiwifarms, (or really anyone living on Earth).

See also, Joseph Smith and Mormonism.
There would have been nothing improper about that marriage for the time. But, if anyone tried to defend Muhammad (as depicted in traditional Islam) as an entirely morally upstanding person now (which I know millions would), they're mega lolcows.

But with 7 billion people on Earth, there's gotta be least one revisionist Muslim out there who sees how BS Muhammad (as depicted in traditional Islam) is and created their own set of beliefs or something. I wouldn't know of such matters, but I hope such a person exists.

EDIT: @Ntwadumela changed my mind about this topic. Real solid guy.
 
Last edited:

Basil II

National Opthalmologist of Bulgaria
kiwifarms.net
There would have been nothing improper about that marriage for the time. But, if anyone tried to defend Muhammad (as depicted in traditional Islam) as an entirely morally upstanding person now (which I know millions would), they're mega lolcows.

But with 7 billion people on Earth, there's gotta be least one revisionist Muslim out there who sees how BS Muhammad (as depicted in traditional Islam) is and created their own set of beliefs or something. I wouldn't know of such matters, but I hope such a person exists.
Marrying someone before puberty has never been widely accepted, outside of Muhammad's cult of followers. You would have a point if she was like 14 though.

tbh Islam is literally just a bastardized version of Christianity, any sane Muslim who still holds faith in God would probably join that, assuming they live somewhere that doesn't lynch people for converting.
 
  • Agree
Reactions: Syaoran Li
Tags
None

About Us

The Kiwi Farms is about eccentric individuals and communities on the Internet. We call them lolcows because they can be milked for amusement or laughs. Our community is bizarrely diverse and spectators are encouraged to join the discussion.

We do not place intrusive ads, host malware, sell data, or run crypto miners with your browser. If you experience these things, you have a virus. If your malware system says otherwise, it is faulty.

Supporting the Forum

How to Help

The Kiwi Farms is constantly attacked by insane people and very expensive to run. It would not be here without community support.

BTC: 1DgS5RfHw7xA82Yxa5BtgZL65ngwSk6bmm
ETH: 0xc1071c60Ae27C8CC3c834E11289205f8F9C78CA5
BAT: 0xc1071c60Ae27C8CC3c834E11289205f8F9C78CA5
LTC: LSZsFCLUreXAZ9oyc9JRUiRwbhkLCsFi4q
XMR: 438fUMciiahbYemDyww6afT1atgqK3tSTX25SEmYknpmenTR6wvXDMeco1ThX2E8gBQgm9eKd1KAtEQvKzNMFrmjJJpiino