Historical Lolcows -

5t3n0g0ph3r

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King Leopold of Belgium.



In the late 19th century, Belgium was a constitutional monarchy like Britain or Sweden or Holland. Sure, Leopold had some ceremonial powers and duties but no real powers. That belonged to the National Assembly. And Leopold didn't like that. He also didn't like that Belgium had no overseas colonies like the British or French or Portuguese. Needless to say, he identified a solution to both these problems.

He bought the Congo.

As in, he legally obtained a title to a huge swathe of central Africa partly from his own finances and partly from a government loan. This private holding became the Congo Free State, which he mapped with the aid of Henry Morton Stanley, and ran as his own private fiefdom. He then recruited a private army, the Force Publique, partly from Belgian volunteer officers and partly from local tribesmen that he press-ganged into service, and forced all the locals to go out and tap rubber vines for him. Rubber, at this stage, was a seriously hot commodity because vulcanisation had just been invented and with the dawn of motorised transport and bicycles there was a huge demand for tyres. And his private fiefdom in the Congo was full of it. However, he didn't want to spend large amounts of time and money developing plantations or infrastructure, so he literally worked the locals to death. You failed to meet your quota, you were murdered. It got to the point at which his Force Publique started to run out of bullets, so he decreed that all bullets must be counted in and counted out on every patrol, and where a bullet was expended, proof was demanded that a "criminal" had been shot with it, specifically, by chopping off their hand.

Of course, he didn't pay his Force Publique sufficient enough to eat, so they would shoot wild animals to eat and then chop the hand off a living native to show that they had actually shot a bad guy with them. Needless to say, even by other late 19th century Scramble for Africa colonial powers, whose attitude towards the natives rarely got above "white man's burden" at best, the Congo Free State was considered objectionable. One person even wrote to Leopold personally asking that he only execute people for crimes they actually committed.

By 1908 the Belgian government had had enough. Leopold's venture was garnering massive flak from other European powers and hadn't even turned a profit, partly because chopping peoples' hands off isn't exactly an effective way of motivating your workforce, and partly because he spent all the income on his own vanity projects back in Belgium. In fact, it was deeper in debt than when he bought the place. Yes, boys and girls, he failed to extract a single centime of profit from a private holding backed up by a private army of one of the most resource rich areas of Earth, and brutalized the natives in the bargain. So they voted to expropriate him and administer it directly as a colony.

Leopold died in 1909. His funeral was booed. His exploits in the Congo were so embarrassing that Belgian civil society to this day doesn't like to remember it.
I just read a book about him.
The guy is a lolcow, if not a horrorcow for what he did.
 

Slap47

Hehe xd
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The biggest Nazi horrorcow by far was probably Amon Göth. Most people know him as the bad guy from Schindler’s List, and one common criticism of that movie is the inclusion of what they call an over-the-top, unnecessarily evil villain. Thing about that? They toned him down for the movie. In real life, he was worse. Göth was basically a psychotic manchild who ran his camp like a kid burning ants with a magnifying glass. Among other things, he would routinely shoot prisoners for sport, and feed them alive to starving dogs. He was actually too fucked up even for the Nazis; they fired him for mistreatment of prisoners (and embezzlement).

Dunno, Mr. Dirlwanger was pretty nuts. His division was infamous for mass murder and rape to the point where even other SS divisions were kinda grossed out.

The concentration camp system existed because normal people couldn't handle the physiological insanity of murdering millions with bullets, knives and fists. Dirlwanger reveled in it while drinking like a madman.
 
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Ginger Piglet

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Dunno, Mr. Dirlwanger was pretty nuts. His division was infamous for mass murder and rape to the point where even other SS divisions were kinda grossed out.

The concentration camp system existed because normal people couldn't handle the physiological insanity of murdering millions with bullets, knives and fists. Dirlwanger reveled in it while drinking like a madman.
While on the subject of too brutal for the SS, how about Ante Pavelic and his concentration camps at Jasenovac as part of the "Independent" State of Croatia.
 
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Beluga

セックス大好き
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The biggest Nazi horrorcow by far was probably Amon Göth. Most people know him as the bad guy from Schindler’s List, and one common criticism of that movie is the inclusion of what they call an over-the-top, unnecessarily evil villain. Thing about that? They toned him down for the movie. In real life, he was worse. Göth was basically a psychotic manchild who ran his camp like a kid burning ants with a magnifying glass. Among other things, he would routinely shoot prisoners for sport, and feed them alive to starving dogs. He was actually too fucked up even for the Nazis; they fired him for mistreatment of prisoners (and embezzlement).
Found this clip from a documentary called Inheritance. The short Polish woman is Helen Jonas, one of Amon Göth's maids, and the tall German is Monika Hertwig, his daughter. They are visiting his villa and the way Helen Jonas just starts crying almost immediately, particularly when walking on the stairs, is beyond heartbreaking. I can't imagine the absolute hell she went through.

 
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Ginger Piglet

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Oliver Cromwell.



"Lord Protector" of England from 1649 to 1658, he was the leader of the Parliamentary forces in the English Civil War during its latter period. As a military leader, he was excellent. As a statesman, he... wasn't.

Potted history - the Civil War started in 1642 when Charles I, an openly Catholic monarch, with a Catholic wife, and thus unpopular when in living memory Catholic terrorists had tried to bomb the Houses of Parliament and were seen as unreliable by a Protestant elite in Parliament, attempted to rule by decree, claiming that as King he was appointed by God and that the King could do what the fuck he wanted, including levying taxes on Members of Parliament for any or no reason, and dissolving it when they upset him. They locked him out and he saw this as open rebellion, so he called his men to him and made war against Parliament. Him and his followers, the Cavaliers, were successful initially, although they relied too much on Prince Rupert's cavalry regiments and dashing about with vim and brio. Enter Oliver Cromwell. He disbanded the Parliamentarian levies and raised a fully professional army, with officers selected by competence rather than toadying, and discipline. The New Model Army, it was called. Long story short, Charles I sneered at it and referred to it as the "New Noddle," but under Cromwell's leadership, they stomped him and his forces and in 1649, put Charles I on trial and cut his head off.

Cromwell, who, if he were a braidy blonde in a well known television series involving titties and dragons, would have gone on for hours about "breaking the wheel," was thus effectively in charge. But rather than be King Oliver I, he instead declared that Britain was now a Commonwealth, and he was Lord Protector. Here the lolcowdom begins. Actually, no, it begins a little earlier, when he purged Parliament of anyone who he saw as insufficiently loyal to him and he thought might vote against cutting off Charles I's head. The resulting "Rump Parliament" was both executive and legislative in nature and was basically a mob of his fanboys.

Cromwell and his followers, who were all Puritans, then basically banned fun. Theatres? BANNED! Gambling? BANNED! Christmas? BANNED! Pies? BANNED! Music? BANNED! Public displays of affection? BANNED! Meat eating on a Sunday? BANNED! Pubs? BANNED! Catholics? VERY BANNED! Penalties for these things often involved having your possessions expropriated. In fact, church attendance at properly loicensed Church of England churches was not only compulsory (which wasn't new, during Elizabeth I's reign the previous century, not going to church was dangerous to your health), but sermons routinely lasted for several hours and curates would walk the aisles with sticks to poke you with if you fell asleep.

By 1653, however, he was concerned that the Rump Parliament was insufficiently loyal to him, so he disbanded it, drove the Members out the chambers with soldiers, and instead decided that his advisors should be based on the Puritanical religious ideals, because this was allegedly how Cromwell believed that Christ's return to earth should be presaged. The resulting body was known as the Barebones Parliament because one of its foremost members was called Praise-God Barebones.

(No, seriously. Praise-God Barebones also had a son, named Nicholas If-Christ-Hadst-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, who became an economist. That's the sort of people these were.)

He then decided to dissolve the Barebones Parliament because they were too religiously nutty for his own taste and effectively became King Oliver I, ruling by decree, though despite signing his name "Oliver P" (for Protector) and being addressed as Your Highness, and nominating his son Richard as his successor, and not relying upon Parliament, and personally commanding the Army, he still was only Lord Protector of England. Erm, what was that about breaking the wheel again?

Slight aside here - he also is responsible, in part, for the Troubles in Northern Ireland. In 1650 he took his army over the sea to Ireland and "pacified" it, subduing the Catholic majority and installing Protestant landlords and administrators and colonists. By his own admission his aim was to drive the Irish "to Hell or Connaught."

He died in 1658. His son Richard was ineffectual and incompetent, and derided as "Queen Dick," and stepped down in 1660 to allow King Charles II, son of Charles I, to resume the throne. But that is another post on this thread.
 

soy_king

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I agree, Emperor Norton was not a lolcow. Weird, sure, but he had a good heart and wasn't a lolcow.

Emperor Nicholas... I feel bad for him. He was never intended to be Tsar, but his older brother died, and his father also died when Nicholas was in his 20's, he admitted that he was unprepared to be Tsar. If his father had lived longer, then perhaps Nicholas would have fared better. Many of Russia's problems were not his fault, he was just a handy scapegoat. Many rulers who were blamed for shit were actually scapegoats, it's always easier to just blame whoever was ruling at that time.

Many times troubles in a country had been there for a while, before the ruler took the crown (sometimes the troubles were started by previous rulers and gained momentum) Such as Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, France's financial troubles started well before their reign but they got their heads lopped off for it, or in other cases, it was the advisors, ministers, nobles, or bureaucrats in court who were responsible for troubles rather than the royalty itself.

Yes, I'm a history nerd.
If you want to talk about true Romanov Lolcows, you have to talk about Nicholas's wife Alexandra. This woman was entirely unlikeable, absolutely paranoid, made decisions based off of what some quack "holy men" told her, and influenced the Czar to keep incompetent ministers because they kissed her ass. She's basically Angelina Jolie if she was given absolute power over the second largest country in the world.
 

Stoned Alex Jones

Break the wall down! https://youtu.be/V37_CpZ05mQ
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Diogenes the Cynic, Founder of Cynicism.

362538_f520.jpg

(The Bum on the right)

Diogenes was the son of a banker in Sinope and was exiled to Athens after he and his purposely lowered the value local currency. In Athens he modeled himself after the great Greek hero Heracles by choosing to live as a improvised Bum, criticizing the city that took him in as a corrupt confused society and harassing the philosopher Plato. Crashing his lectures

He was eventually sold into slavery. Allegedly before his death met Alexander the Great. Alexander who was a fan of Diogenes was insluted by the bum both in private and public.
 

keyboredsm4shthe2nd

CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES! GRIND THEIR BONES INTO DIRT!
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Diogenes the Cynic, Founder of Cynicism.

View attachment 761570
(The Bum on the right)

Diogenes was the son of a banker in Sinope and was exiled to Athens after he and his purposely lowered the value local currency. In Athens he modeled himself after the great Greek hero Heracles by choosing to live as a improvised Bum, criticizing the city that took him in as a corrupt confused society and harassing the philosopher Plato. Crashing his lectures

He was eventually sold into slavery. Allegedly before his death met Alexander the Great. Alexander who was a fan of Diogenes was insluted by the bum both in private and public.
 

Carnivorous Plant

shut the fuck up about vore
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donatien alphonse françois/marquis de sade

dude was a gigantic sexual deviant to the point where "sadist" and "sadism" are derived from his name. he'd regularly hire servants/prostitutes and sexually abuse them in spectacularly degenerate ways (non-lethally incapacitating them and defiling their unconscious bodies, tying them down and whipping them, etc). he also kidnapped 6 kids for 2 months and abused the fuck out of them. he was such an unabashed degenerate because he believed in "absolute freedom"--and also because he experienced corporal punishment as a kid and got off on it i guess? fortunately, french authorities didn't share his belief and he died in an insane asylum.

sade also wrote swaths of books that were purposefully edgy and pornographic (one of his books was written solely because he wished to create "the most impure tale that has ever been written since the world exists."). dude was a tryhard pedophile rapist but to this day people refer to him as a "philosopher" and portray him in a positive light.
 

MrTickles

Ducking Fegenerate
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Genghis Khan. Slaughtered 1/4 of the global population, people love him and think him bad ass.

Take that Hitler you twink.
 
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donatien alphonse françois/marquis de sade

dude was a gigantic sexual deviant to the point where "sadist" and "sadism" are derived from his name. he'd regularly hire servants/prostitutes and sexually abuse them in spectacularly degenerate ways (non-lethally incapacitating them and defiling their unconscious bodies, tying them down and whipping them, etc). he also kidnapped 6 kids for 2 months and abused the fuck out of them. he was such an unabashed degenerate because he believed in "absolute freedom"--and also because he experienced corporal punishment as a kid and got off on it i guess? fortunately, french authorities didn't share his belief and he died in an insane asylum.

sade also wrote swaths of books that were purposefully edgy and pornographic (one of his books was written solely because he wished to create "the most impure tale that has ever been written since the world exists."). dude was a tryhard pedophile rapist but to this day people refer to him as a "philosopher" and portray him in a positive light.
Marquis de Sade was a brilliant man who had the only solution for the Incel Crisis. He proposed (if I recall correctly) that every citizen should have access to the sexual services of all fellow citizens, for the sake of equality. If Donatien's dream had come true, there would be no Elliot Rodgers. RIP
 

AnOminous

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Marquis de Sade was a brilliant man who had the only solution for the Incel Crisis. He proposed (if I recall correctly) that every citizen should have access to the sexual services of all fellow citizens, for the sake of equality. If Donatien's dream had come true, there would be no Elliot Rodgers. RIP
The Marquis de Sade was a master troll who despite writing hideous books about torturing and raping people, mostly women, and actually irl torturing and raping people, mostly women, still has defenders to this day, including feminists who will read feminist meanings into works like Justine, which is mainly about torturing and raping the title character, a woman.

Of course, the line between a troll and a lolcow is a thin one and de Sade was both.
 

GethN7

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I covered Senator Roscoe Conkling in this thread awhileback, let's now cover his rival, Maine's James G. Blaine.


Blaine initially came off as the more mature of the two Republicans during the Gilded Age of American politics, basically letting Conkling self destruct himself while keeping his mouth shut, but he too had lolcow tendencies that burst into full flower by the time Benjamin Harrison became president.

First off, Blaine had a real problem with the idea of being told "no" on anything, and would often skip town, leaving Benjamin Harrison to do most of Blaine's job as Secretary of State while Blaine retreated to his hugbox town of Bar Harbor in Maine.

Second, Harrison took civil service rules instituted since 1883 seriously, and when Blaine got told twice it would be improper to give relatives government jobs and military promotions simply because Blaine asked for them, and while Blaine took at least one of those refusals maturely, he never forgave at least one of them and did a lot of passive aggressive bitching about Harrison to anyone who would listen for his entire presidency.

Blaine also had a super swelled head over how he deemed himself the kingmaker for Harrison (he stepped out of the running for election of Harrison so Harrison could win) and he expected Harrison to be his stooge, and Harrison refused to play ball on that. Blaine was so pissed over this he got his revenge by firing off all sorts of foreign policy statements without letting Harrison know in advance whenever this particularly rankled him, just to make Harrison's life harder.

His final act of jackassery came when Harrison attempted to get reelected, and Blaine, now wanting one last shot at the throne himself (though he publicly declined nomination), worked his ass off poisoning fellow Republicans against Harrison just to screw Harrison over. He likely would have lost anyway, as the political landscape had shifted in the Democrats favor, but Blaine just had to make the uphill battle even more tedious on Harrison just because he was a petty dickhead.

Blaine never got what he was looking for and died soon afterwards due to declining health.
 

AnOminous

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First off, Blaine had a real problem with the idea of being told "no" on anything, and would often skip town, leaving Benjamin Harrison to do most of Blaine's job as Secretary of State while Blaine retreated to his hugbox town of Bar Harbor in Maine.
Honestly, the only thing I remember about James G. Blaine is a bit of doggerel his political opponents made up about him.

Blaine
Blaine
James G. Blaine
The Continental liar from the state of Maine.

So he was a lolcow in his lifetime too.
 

TowinKarz

Thoroughly Unimpressed
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AT least the corruption was FUN during the Gilded Age, you can't beat it for it's cleverness.

Ma! Ma! Where's My Pa?
Gone to the White House, haw haw haw!


Imagine a Trump in every legislative seat, every Mayor's Office, every Governorship and every party chair, 19th century shitposting the whole time, God it must've been glorious considering only the best material made the history books...
 

GethN7

True & Honest Fan
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AT least the corruption was FUN during the Gilded Age, you can't beat it for it's cleverness.

Ma! Ma! Where's My Pa?
Gone to the White House, haw haw haw!


Imagine a Trump in every legislative seat, every Mayor's Office, every Governorship and every party chair, 19th century shitposting the whole time, God it must've been glorious considering only the best material made the history books...
Reminds me of some crap opponents of James G. Blaine would never let him live down every time he'd try to get elected.

They'd dredge up letters he wrote concerning a railroad scandal where he was accused of taking bribes, and a surefire way to send him into an autistic screeching fit was to say to him "BURN THIS LETTER!"

He ended most of the letters implicating him with demands for the recipients to do this, and despite claiming he simply wanted the correspondence (which he claimed did not implicate him) to be private, it never failed to cause him to tard out whenever he got needled for it.
 
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Overcast

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Reading this thread, I can't help but imagine a secret society from people all over the world gathering to talk and laugh about them way back in the day.

And they all congregate in one of their mom's cellars.
 
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Zaryiu

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The people in charge of the Rape Nanking are horrorcows, John Rabe in comparison was the only Nazi I know that turned into a good guy because the Japanese at Nanking were that pure evil
 
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