Historical Lolcows -

Oskar Dirlewanger

i am the black niggers
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:thinking:

There's some degree of discussion regarding how much of an actual lolcow Caligula was. If I remember correctly the ones writing Roman history in these days were affiliated to the Senate, and Caligula absolutely HATED the Senate and defied them whenever he could. So it's not unlikely that they exaggerated the bad things he did to make him look worse than he actually was.

(There's also how he seemingly started more or less okay but, but few months after his reign began he got severely sick and THEN went loopy. Hm. )

Roland Auguet's biography of Caligula deconstructs the common myths about him. The actual data available points to how he was very popular among the actual Roman people and his policies were reasonable and made with real intent to improve the well-being of the citizens of Rome. However as you said he absolutely hated the Senate, and he kinda had a good reason to do that since thanks to the Senate his beloved mother was made an outcast, viciously beaten, had her eye gouged out, and finally was starved to death. This would probably make most people upset, so it's understandable Caligula took every chance he had to humiliate members of the Senate.

tl;dr Caligula did nothing wrong
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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She's better known, though, for the bizarre bank robbery that ended with this:


The scheme involved what the kablooey dude above believed to be a fake bomb. It wasn't fake. It wasn't supposed to end that way but this nutter's bizarre and overly complicated scheme ended that way after a series of missteps along the way.
If I recall correctly, it actually WAS meant to end with the guy asploding. The bomb was never actually meant to come off. Jury’s still out on whether or not the guy was in on it though. There’s evidence both for and against that.
 

Syaoran Li

Boomer Sympathizer and Self-Hating Late Millennial
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If I recall correctly, it actually WAS meant to end with the guy asploding. The bomb was never actually meant to come off. Jury’s still out on whether or not the guy was in on it though. There’s evidence both for and against that.

It was meant to end with Brian Wells getting blown up, but Wells himself did not know it and was told the bomb would be a fake one. It wasn't until the heist began and immediately went pear-shaped did he realize that it was a real one and by then, it was too late.

I think Brian Wells wasn't really in on it and was just a hapless random dude who was roped into the scheme. If it wasn't him, it would've been someone else. Wells was a nobody for all intents and purposes, and any ties he may have had to Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong prior to the heist seem to be minimal and tangential at best.
 

AnOminous

shalom motherfucker
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
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If I recall correctly, it actually WAS meant to end with the guy asploding. The bomb was never actually meant to come off. Jury’s still out on whether or not the guy was in on it though. There’s evidence both for and against that.

Pretty sure she actually wanted the money, whether or not she intended to blow him up anyway afterwards.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
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Pretty sure she actually wanted the money, whether or not she intended to blow him up anyway afterwards.
Oh yeah she did want the money. I can’t remember but I think the plan was for him to drop off the money. They’d given him a scavenger hunt list, which he’d supposedly have to complete to get the key to the bomb but that was all bullshit and there was no key.
 

AnOminous

shalom motherfucker
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
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Oh yeah she did want the money. I can’t remember but I think the plan was for him to drop off the money. They’d given him a scavenger hunt list, which he’d supposedly have to complete to get the key to the bomb but that was all bullshit and there was no key.

Another idiotic part of a plan by a so-called "evil genius."
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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A new video released by everyone’s favorite Nazi dog owner Count Dankula profiles the depraved horrorcow that was Saddam Hussein’s son Uday.
  • Uday was about as much of a spoiled, narcissistic manchild as you’d expect a dictator’s son to be. He obsessively collected luxury cars, designer clothing, and high-end colognes. If he ever caught someone on his staff with an item of clothing identical to something he owned, that person would be forbidden from ever wearing said item again, regardless of whether or not they were in Uday’s company.
  • He was unpredictably violent, and would do things like randomly firing off ammunition rounds into crowds at parties, and going to nightclubs and whacking people with a metal rod at random. One time he beat an army officer unconscious after the guy refused to let him dance with his wife, and the guy later died of his injuries. Another time he shot and killed a guy for failing to salute him.
  • He raped countless girls, some of them as young as 12. One of his favorite activities was to go around looking for weddings, and upon finding them, he and his bodyguards would kidnap the bride and Uday would rape her. He was supposedly unable to get off unless the girl was screaming.
  • Decided that he wanted a body double, so he had a guy he went to school with named Latif Yahia, who looked kind of like him, brought to his office and offered him the job. When Latif refused, Uday had him imprisoned in a cell that was too small for him to lay down in, with obnoxiously bright walls and a light that was kept on at all times. Latif finally accepted the job after Uday threatened to rape his sisters if he refused. Latif looked like Uday, but didn’t look EXACTLY like him, so without his consent, they gave him plastic surgery to make him identical to Uday.
  • In conjunction with being unpredictably violent, Uday was also prone to random fits of tard rage. When Latif was being trained to replicate Uday’s mannerisms, Uday was there, and he was cracking jokes and generally having a good time. One joke he made caused Latif to laugh. The problem was that he didn’t laugh like Uday would’ve laughed, so Uday flew into a rage and beat him.
  • Tried to force Latif to kill a man who had spat in his face (Uday had raped the man’s daughter and driven her to suicide). Latif, who by this point had had enough of Uday’s shit, tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists. Uday ordered him nursed back to health and forced him to continue being his body double.
  • Had a weird attachment to his mother like any cow worth his salt. When Saddam took a second wife, Uday saw it as an insult to his mother and murdered the guy who’d introduced Saddam to the other woman. This was one of the rare times Saddam actually punished Uday for something he did. He had him imprisoned and initially intended to put him to death, but decided to just exile him from Iraq instead. Uday went to Switzerland, where he’d continue his antics until they just had enough and threw him out, at which point he returned to Iraq.
  • Was put in charge of Iraq’s sports teams for a time, and basically ran the teams like a kid playing rough with his toys.
  • Despite being Saddam’s oldest son, Saddam ended up choosing his younger son as his successor instead. The “official” reason given for this is that after injuries sustained in a failed assassination attempt left Uday with a permanent limp, Saddam didn’t want a leader who would “look weak.” It’s generally accepted that the main reason, however, was because even Saddam realized what an evil, unstable sperg Uday was, and didn’t want to give all that power to someone like that.
  • Would use the internet to look up new ways to torture people, and then try them out on prisoners.
 
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Capsaicin Addict

Dancing on the ashes of history.
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A new video released by everyone’s favorite Nazi dog owner Count Dankula profiles the depraved horrorcow that was Saddam Hussein’s son Uday.
  • Uday was about as much of a spoiled, narcissistic manchild as you’d expect a dictator’s son to be. He obsessively collected luxury cars, designer clothing, and high-end colognes. If he ever caught someone on his staff with an item of clothing identical to something he owned, that person would be forbidden from ever wearing said item again, regardless of whether or not they were in Uday’s company.
  • He was unpredictably violent, and would do things like randomly firing off ammunition rounds into crowds at parties, and going to nightclubs and whacking people with a metal rod at random. One time he beat an army officer unconscious after the guy refused to let him dance with his wife, and the guy later died of his injuries. Another time he shot and killed a guy for failing to salute him.
  • He raped countless girls, some of them as young as 12. One of his favorite activities was to go around looking for weddings, and upon finding them, he and his bodyguards would kidnap the bride and Uday would rape her. He was supposedly unable to get off unless the girl was screaming.
  • Decided that he wanted a body double, so he had a guy he went to school with named Latif Yahia, who looked kind of like him, brought to his office and offered him the job. When Latif refused, Uday had him imprisoned in a cell that was too small for him to lay down in, with obnoxiously bright walls and a light that was kept on at all times. Latif finally accepted the job after Uday threatened to rape his sisters if he refused. Latif looked like Uday, but didn’t look EXACTLY like him, so without his consent, they gave him plastic surgery to make him identical to Uday.
  • In conjunction with being unpredictably violent, Uday was also prone to random fits of tard rage. When Latif was being trained to replicate Uday’s mannerisms, Uday was there, and he was cracking jokes and generally having a good time. One joke he made caused Latif to laugh. The problem was that he didn’t laugh like Uday would’ve laughed, so Uday flew into a rage and beat him.
  • Tried to force Latif to kill a man who had spat in his face (Uday had raped the man’s daughter and driven her to suicide). Latif, who by this point had had enough of Uday’s shit, tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists. Uday ordered him nursed back to health and forced him to continue being his body double.
  • Had a weird attachment to his mother like any cow worth his salt. When Saddam took a second wife, Uday saw it as an insult to his mother and murdered the guy who’d introduced Saddam to the other woman. This was one of the rare times Saddam actually punished Uday for something he did. He had him imprisoned and initially intended to put him to death, but decided to just exile him from Iraq instead. Uday went to Switzerland, where he’d continue his antics until they just had enough and threw him out, at which point he returned to Iraq.
  • Was put in charge of Iraq’s sports teams for a time, and basically ran the teams like a kid playing rough with his toys.
  • Despite being Saddam’s oldest son, Saddam ended up choosing his younger son as his successor instead. The “official” reason given for this is that after injuries sustained in a failed assassination attempt left Uday with a permanent limp, Saddam didn’t want a leader who would “look weak.” It’s generally accepted that the main reason, however, was because even Saddam realized what an evil, unstable sperg Uday was, and didn’t want to give all that power to someone like that.
  • Would use the internet to look up new ways to torture people, and then try them out on prisoners.
His brother, Qusay, was slightly more polished and kept a lower profile, but he was just as awful.

As much as one might argue against the Iraq invasion, having those two whacked was definitely a net positive.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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His brother, Qusay, was slightly more polished and kept a lower profile, but he was just as awful.

As much as one might argue against the Iraq invasion, having those two whacked was definitely a net positive.
It should be noted that his supposed body double Latif may have made all of that stuff up. I don’t think very many people have actually corroborated his story, but it’s difficult to say for sure whether he was lying because for one thing, he claims that his existence as Uday’s double was kept a secret (which DOES make sense; he was basically a bullet catcher for one of the most hated people in the country). Saddam himself denied that Uday had a double, but he also denied having doubles of his own, and he did have them.

Given everything else we know about Uday though, Latif’s claims are totally believable. Uday was an unstable fuck.
 

simulated goat

pleasant goat beauty
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Today I learned troons have been lolcows since at least the 19th century.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Allen_(trans_man)
Oh they go back further. Here's one of my favorites:

Edward Hyde, 3rd earl of Clarendon
This guy was a political appointee that served as governor of New York and New Jersey circa 1701-09. To put it nicely, he was not well liked by his subjects; partially because of his willingness to enforce whatever outrageous tax dujure the british government could dream up, but also for his love of spending huge sums of money on parties and women's clothing. His corruption, ineptitude and unpopularity finally got him recalled. He is currently undergoing a 'reevaluation' as a historic trans icon: When I looked him up for this I found recent articles saying he was a good boi who dindu nuffin and it was just those awful transphobic colonists making shit up.

My favorite trove of historical Lolcows lies in "Wisconsin Death Trip" by Michael Lesy. From old ladies immolating themselves over a slight rash, to Mary Sweeney being repeatedly arrested for busting out shop windows for kicks, it's a pretty good compendium of weirdness.

My favorite 'story' (there is no real narration, just newspaper articles and other memorabilia) concerns a famous opera singer who desired to retire in the town. She arrived in the spring with her son, a set builder. He built her a castle and a stage and she spent the summer performing arias for the townsfolk and entertaining lavishly. Then winter set in as did the reality that the 'castle' was not a castle, but a hollow set- it was all the son knew how to build. She grew increasingly desparate and she and her son began to wear out their welcome in town as they began stealing anything not nailed down. By the time her son was arrested and she was chucked into a looney bin, they had been reduced burning their castle for heat while wearing multiple stage costumes in layers for warmth and eating a gruel made of chicken feed.
 

Clockwork_PurBle

"I have a happiness!"
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Here's Preston Brooks, a pre-Civil War pro-slavery Democrat Representative who is famous for having beaten Senator Charles Sumner with a cane on the floor of the US Senate. Sumner was an abolitionist Republican, and had been making speeches before government bodies denouncing slavery and the Kansas-Nebraska Act. Brooks almost beat Sumner to death and Sumner couldn't return to Senate for three years.

To be "fair", Sumner did attack one of Brooks' relatives during the speech that inspired the assault, which had occurred two days prior. Brooks wanted to challenge Sumner to a duel, but after talking with one of the bois about dueling etiquette, he decided a duel was unnecessary as dueling was supposed to be between gentleman of equal social class, and to him Sumner was basically on the same level as a homeless drunkard. So, he was going to beat the shit out of him publicly.

Before this, Brooks was expelled from college shortly before graduation due to making firearms threats and challenged future Texas Senator Louis Wigfall to a duel in which he was shot in the leg (and therefore carried a cane for the rest of his life).

Probably not a big cow but I think he should get some kind of lol-status. Maybe a lol-donkey, because Democrat?
 

Marceline

And that’s why I don’t like cricket.
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James Joyce? His fart fetish was written in a very lulzy way in love letters he had sent:

It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.
 

Clockwork_PurBle

"I have a happiness!"
kiwifarms.net
The people who held a candlelight vigil outside of the prison while John Wayne Gacy was being euthanized are all lolcows.

Like I understand why a lot people are against the death penalty, but this is IMHO a bit much and I am unable to put myself in that headspace.

Gacy lured in teen boys, raped them, tortured them, and killed them, and then buried their bodies in the home where he kept his family. I'm also fairly certain he molested male children. His last words, instead of apologizing or announcing his regret were, "the state is murdering me it won't bring them back y'all are no better uwu." Classic narc nutcase. While killing him may not bring the victims back, that being your deathbed cry isn't really a good look, and his fate was 100 times more merciful than the fate of his victims. Gacy is being raped by Hitler in hell right now.

Yet people really be out here holding candlelight vigils.
 

Ginger Piglet

Burglar of Jess Phillips MP
True & Honest Fan
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James Joyce? His fart fetish was written in a very lulzy way in love letters he had sent:

It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

My sweet little whorish Nora. I did as you asked me, you naughty girl, and pulled myself off twice upon receiving your letter. I am glad to see that you do like to be fucked arseways.

His non-smut was pretty lulzy as well, what with Finnegan's Wake starting literally mid sentence and Ulysses being almost as impenetrable.
 

Marceline

And that’s why I don’t like cricket.
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My sweet little whorish Nora. I did as you asked me, you naughty girl, and pulled myself off twice upon receiving your letter. I am glad to see that you do like to be fucked arseways.

His non-smut was pretty lulzy as well, what with Finnegan's Wake starting literally mid sentence and Ulysses being almost as impenetrable.
Arseways
 
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